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leighdvm
My golden boys!
Member since 3/06 4419 total posts
Name:
Michele
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Re: Forgive a Cheater?
I can't even imagine how devasting this all is for you....I honestly don't know what I would do....Maybe we would try counseling to see if I could ever forgive him (but NEVER forget), before I end the marriage.
I am so very, very sorry that you have to go through this pain and betrayal 
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Posted 6/1/07 12:02 PM  |
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nrthshgrl
It goes fast. Pay attention.
Member since 7/05 57538 total posts
Name:
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Re: Forgive a Cheater?
Keep in mind that there are many, many people who stay married after an affair. In some cases, it actually makes the marriage stronger - definitely NOT advocating it - but it brings to the surface a lot of issues that the couple wasn't talking about & should be.
It sounds like he's acknowledging how devastating it was to you & to his family -- and it sounds like he truly is sorry. (granted stupid, but sorry nonetheless)
Everyone has an idea of what they would do in a circumstance but until they've walked in your exact shoes (with 10 years & children), I don't think what they would do is the same as what you would (or should) do.
I think you need an unbiased opinion. I think you should absolutely go to a therapist to sort this out.
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| Posted 6/1/07 12:09 PM |
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LAMGAJ28
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Member since 10/05 6039 total posts
Name:
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Re: Forgive a Cheater?
Posted by Boobobunny
I could never forgive a cheater, because I could never forget something like that...and the hurt that it caused.
The thought of him doing it again would always linger in my mind...and if I can't trust someone, I can't have a relationship with them.
Those are exactly my thoughts. And if that trust is not there, for me personally, there cannot be any personal connection or relationship.
But everyone is different and you are the only one who knows if through counseling if your relationship can be saved. The fact that this happened with another family member makes the matters even worst.
Tons of
So Sorry you are going through this.
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| Posted 6/1/07 12:19 PM |
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dgirl
LIF Adult
Member since 5/07 1079 total posts
Name:
Danielle
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Re: Forgive a Cheater?
I am so very sorry that you are going through this.
I do not have kids so I can say I would absolutely not forgive him or her. I'm not the kind of person that forgets easily, it's kind of a character flaw though.
With kids I don't think that I would be able to either....if my brother or family ever found out they would force me to leave no matter what.
I just hope that it's not a self esteem thing that is making you consider staying. I don't think I've ever been cheated on (who really knows, you know?) but I was in a relationship once with a very disrespectful person. My family hated him with a passion, but I was so blinded and down on myself that looking back I am amazed at what I let myself put up with.
I really hope for happiness for you and your daughter.
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| Posted 6/1/07 12:25 PM |
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mtnmama
Member since 5/06 4794 total posts
Name:
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Message edited 6/29/2009 10:36:12 AM.
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| Posted 6/1/07 12:28 PM |
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LAMGAJ28
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Member since 10/05 6039 total posts
Name:
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Re: Forgive a Cheater?
Posted by hailiesmom
her mom, my moms sister, basically told me that she'd be ok w/ her daughter and him to be 2getha if thats what they wanted, and she'd support them, and she wasn't mad, so on.... she really hurt me deep w/ her words and agenda!
I can't never understand stuff like this. When families take sides on issues. Why take sides? Granted this is her daughter....but how about seeing things for what they are and about being fair. Her daughter's behavior were out of line, disrespectful and hurtful. I really respect people when they hear both sides and try to be fair instead of taking sides. I think her mother's behavior only hurts those involved in the situation even more especially those that have been affected unfairly, like you have.
I'm soo sorry you are going through this and definitely seek counseling either way.....
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| Posted 6/1/07 12:48 PM |
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eroxgirl
My Loves
Member since 5/05 15697 total posts
Name:
Rebecca
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Re: Forgive a Cheater?
No, I don't think I could ESPECIALLY if we had children. The way I see it is this.
First of all, he cheated with family. It's bad enough to cheat with a stranger but to bring it that close to home? Cardinal sin number 1 in my eyes (for both of them). I also have a hard time with the notion of forgiving one and not the other. They're equally guilty and should both be stoned IMO.
Secondly, if I had children I wouldn't want them to believe that this was acceptable behavior - that men should treat women in this way (or the other way around, as the case may be). I have family members that have been through this with kids and they worked through it for their family's sake but for me, I look at the cheater differently now.
But that's just my speculation having never been in this situation personally. I'm sorry you have to deal with this.
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| Posted 6/1/07 12:51 PM |
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TheWhiteRabbit
Thru the rabbit hole!
Member since 7/06 4412 total posts
Name:
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Re: Forgive a Cheater?
I think you can only answer it if you've been in the situation. It depends on so many factors. I will say yes, it's possible to forgive a cheater.
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| Posted 6/1/07 1:31 PM |
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hailiesmom
LIF Adolescent
Member since 5/07 527 total posts
Name:
Crissie
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Re: Forgive a Cheater?
IN RESPONCE:
" can't never understand stuff like this. When families take sides on issues. Why take sides? Granted this is her daughter....but how about seeing things for what they are and about being fair. Her daughter's behavior were out of line, disrespectful and hurtful. I really respect people when they hear both sides and try to be fair instead of taking sides. I think her mother's behavior only hurts those involved in the situation even more especially those that have been affected unfairly, like you have.
I'm soo sorry you are going through this and definitely seek counseling either way....."
.... I Agree! I say, if it were my daughter being the bad one, and a niece being the hurt one... i'd be mad and dissappointed in my daughter. I'd tell her that too! I'd try to guide her in the right direction. Not encourage it, but to me, it feels like my aunt has her own agenda!
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| Posted 6/1/07 1:51 PM |
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hailiesmom
LIF Adolescent
Member since 5/07 527 total posts
Name:
Crissie
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Re: Forgive a Cheater?
Posted by eroxgirl
No, I don't think I could ESPECIALLY if we had children. The way I see it is this.
First of all, he cheated with family. It's bad enough to cheat with a stranger but to bring it that close to home? Cardinal sin number 1 in my eyes (for both of them). I also have a hard time with the notion of forgiving one and not the other. They're equally guilty and should both be stoned IMO.
Secondly, if I had children I wouldn't want them to believe that this was acceptable behavior - that men should treat women in this way (or the other way around, as the case may be). I have family members that have been through this with kids and they worked through it for their family's sake but for me, I look at the cheater differently now.
But that's just my speculation having never been in this situation personally. I'm sorry you have to deal with this.
Yeah, i used to feal the same exact way... and then i some how got here... not a self esteam problem...
we've run in the same circle since 7. We first started dating at 13, 15, then 18 untill present time, which is 10 plus years later. and a child... We basically grew up together... and have had a chance each hurting eachother years ago when we were still young kids. What gets me the most is now, we're adults... we're a family... we have a child... why pick now to stray? Why the need? i go back and forth, and is hard... but we're a team and have been my entire pre adult andadult life, and is my other half... i feal that alone is enough reason to atleast try to forgive. i'd want and expect the same... atleast the opportunity, no games, there is 3 yr. old on the line. ya know?
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| Posted 6/1/07 1:57 PM |
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Shelly
She's 7!!!
Member since 8/05 14624 total posts
Name:
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Re: Forgive a Cheater?
It really depends on you, him and what each of you want.
If he wants a relationship with your daughter, you have no choice but to forgive him. Whether you stay together or not, he will be a part of your life. If you don't forgive him it will eat you up inside everytime you see him pick up your daughter.
Whether you forgive him enough to stay married to him is a whole other issue. Only you can determine that, and IMO the best way to make a decision about that is after you have been in counseling- together and alone.
As for people saying what she did is worse since she is your cousin- I expect a whole lot more from my DH than I do from my cousins. She may be a whore and a b*tch- but he didn't have to go to bed with her. I think they are equally to blame. Why does everyone assume that the woman is worse than the man. That upsets me.
Posted by hailiesmom
.... I Agree! I say, if it were my daughter being the bad one, and a niece being the hurt one... i'd be mad and dissappointed in my daughter. I'd tell her that too! I'd try to guide her in the right direction. Not encourage it, but to me, it feels like my aunt has her own agenda!
But you have no idea what she is saying behind closed doors. Your cousin may be getting it from her mother at home, but your aunt wants to keep it quiet. I certainly hope so.
Message edited 6/1/2007 1:59:24 PM.
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| Posted 6/1/07 1:58 PM |
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baghag
:P
Member since 5/05 10278 total posts
Name:
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Re: Forgive a Cheater?
Posted by Shelly
I think they are equally to blame. Why does everyone assume that the woman is worse than the man. That upsets me.
I agree.
I have no advice, the previous posters covered all. I'm so sorry this happened to you.
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| Posted 6/1/07 2:01 PM |
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LAMGAJ28
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Member since 10/05 6039 total posts
Name:
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Re: Forgive a Cheater?
Posted by Shelly
Posted by hailiesmom
.... I Agree! I say, if it were my daughter being the bad one, and a niece being the hurt one... i'd be mad and dissappointed in my daughter. I'd tell her that too! I'd try to guide her in the right direction. Not encourage it, but to me, it feels like my aunt has her own agenda!
But you have no idea what she is saying behind closed doors. Your cousin may be getting it from her mother at home, but your aunt wants to keep it quiet. I certainly hope so.
I find that being honest is far better than to keep things quiet and to help everyone heal faster, or at least come to terms with a situation like this. Let's give her aunt the benefit of the doubt that she's doing this behind close doors. But wouldn't have been better for her aunt to acknowledge to the poster that she does not agree with her daughter's behavior and neither with what happened because it is really out of her control. That her husband was responsible as well for not only being unfaithful but also for bringing friction and tension to the family as a whole. They are both equally responsible and her husband is even to blame more because she's not married to her cousin but she is to her husband. He should have respected the commitment they made but that's another issue. I think it would have helped the poster better if in all honesty her aunt would have said to a certain extent...I can't control my daughter's actions or behaviors..she's her own individual...but she's still my daughter. I acknowledge your pain and feel very sorry for what you are going through. I need to be there for my daughter if the need is there but I want you to know that what has been done to you is unfair and you did not deserve it. I'm certain that regardless if they stay together as a family or not or he wants to pursue a relationship with her cousin, the poster would see and feel differently about her aunt just because she expressed with candor how she felt and how she saw things. I always find that taking sides does not help a situation but rather puts more friction to the problems and issues that are occurring. But that's just me ofcourse. I always said there are two side to a story and it's good to always hear both...not take sides...and try to help the situation. I always say everyone needs to be part of the solution and not the problem...and perhaps that way everyone can heal and find better ways to deal with whatever they need to. JMHO.
Time to catch a train now...
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| Posted 6/1/07 5:18 PM |
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TwoGirls4Me
Treasure what you have
Member since 5/05 1839 total posts
Name:
Marie
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Re: Forgive a Cheater?
never
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| Posted 6/1/07 5:21 PM |
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LBG30
:)
Member since 9/05 3423 total posts
Name:
Noelle
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Re: Forgive a Cheater?
Personally I know its easier to say this but I could never forgive..I would never be able to look at the person the same or would ever trust him ever again!!!
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| Posted 6/1/07 5:25 PM |
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hailiesmom
LIF Adolescent
Member since 5/07 527 total posts
Name:
Crissie
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Re: Forgive a Cheater?
Posted by bklyngirl
i'm sorry you're going through this. what did they say when u confronted them
He fessed all, she still denied...
he said he was glad he was caught, and wanted to fix this,
she said she'd still be w/ him, don't care
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| Posted 6/3/07 9:35 AM |
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Nicole728
My Happy Girl
Member since 7/06 8198 total posts
Name:
Me
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Re: Forgive a Cheater?
It does depend on so many factors...
I feel like if it was a stranger it might be easier to wrap my head around, but the fact that he cheated with somone in your family is different.
I'm so sorry you have to go thru this...do what you feel is best for your family.
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| Posted 6/3/07 10:21 AM |
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JTK
my 4 boys!
Member since 6/06 7396 total posts
Name:
Kristi
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Re: Forgive a Cheater?
i'm trying to put myself in your shoes and this is what my opinion is:
at first i think to myself no way.. the hurt is too great to even think about it.
then i come to my senses.. realize what we had, what he went thru, the realities of life, and my children and i say well.. lots of therapy and LOTS of time might heal.. i think you both should seek therapy and together. I would keep my children out of it right now personally. i would not kick him out of the house personally until i could figure it out but we wouldn't be sleeping together.. and i would wait..
one day, when the hurt is gone, you might be able to forgive and move on. maybe your relationship would be stronger. i don't believe once a cheater always a cheater.. i believe people go thru hard times in thier lives and do stupid things that they regret. and believe me they DO regret.
i was married before and to a man that i loved but was not my soul mate and now i am remarried to a man i feel i would never want to live without.. i pray everyday that he doesn't cheat or lie but in the end i don't know if one night of stupidity could end everything i have for him.
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| Posted 6/3/07 12:46 PM |
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Tumbalina
Better than the news!
Member since 2/06 2840 total posts
Name:
Angela
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Re: Forgive a Cheater?
I am not giving any advice here, just saying, if I were in your shoes, child or not, I would leave.
I would never be able to trust him again, and I couldn't live wondering if everytime he said he was going to the store, if he really was.
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| Posted 6/3/07 2:18 PM |
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MrsT
Enjoying wedded bliss.....
Member since 4/06 1323 total posts
Name:
Katrina
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Re: Forgive a Cheater?
It really depends on you. Nobody on this chat board can help you decide what's best.
I always said I'd leave a cheater but now - years later and married with a stepson - I'm not sure what I'd do. But I do agree that you have to forgive him for the sake of your daughter since he will be around forever. DH always says once his son is 18 then he will be done with his ex but I always remind him that even now my parents still have to see each other because of me - weddings, birthdays & holidays.
As far as staying in the marriage, that is a whole new ball game. I think he and the cousin are equally skanky and that at some point, prior to having sex, they each had to remember that he is married to you
It's just added layers since the family knows about it. They have to all be on your side should you decide to stay in the marriage. The last thing you want is to stay and work it out and then have the family give him crap all the time for the rest of his life. That will do nothing but strain the marriage and make you rethink your decision every time it happens.
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| Posted 6/3/07 2:27 PM |
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nyteacher13
Three Under Four!!! :-)
Member since 8/06 6405 total posts
Name:
~ THERESA ~
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Re: Forgive a Cheater?
Nope, never. As much as I love him, that is a deal-breaker.
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| Posted 6/3/07 2:45 PM |
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FRAPPALICIOUS
sexxxxxy
Member since 10/05 2236 total posts
Name:
Me
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Re: Forgive a Cheater?
I personally would NEVER!
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| Posted 6/3/07 7:54 PM |
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