Need Advice- 4 Year Old and Social Issues

I apologize in advance, for this may be long. My 4 year old recently is having issues socializing. Some back story-he has been playing with the same group of kids since he was a year old since all of us moms are friends. They are all in the same nursery school. Recently, two of the kids have been running away from him and excluding him. Sometimes I admit it is because he misconstrues the situation-as in they are playing tag and he thinks they are running away. A lot of the times, though, it is because they are legit running away from him. I tell him to find someone else to play with, one of the kid's moms will tell her daughter to include everyone. It is an ongoing process. My son was diagnosed with some sensory issues and has a SEIT at school (basically an aide). She says he just needs more socialization, but when we plan play dates at the park or a local kids' play place, these issues tend to always come up.

Today I went to pick him up at school and he is standing in the playground hysterically crying because the same two kids are running away. My son was doing the right thing and telling the kids that they were hurting his feelings. The grandma of the one kid says "tell him it is a fact of life." Um, really? They are 4. As they leave, the girl tells my son that she was playing with the other kid and shuts the gate in his face.

How would you deal with this? I feel so bad for my son. I am currently almost 9 months pregnant, so I know that I may be overreacting, but watching him be excluded just makes me so sad.

Need Advice- 4 Year Old and Social Issues

i don't have much advice but how sad!!! what makes me most mad is the attitude of the grandmother. WTH?!?!?! they are 4--- its the adults job to teach them kindness, not to encourage the meanness!!! Almost a year ago, near my house a 12 year old girl committed suicide, due to relentless bullying. The morning that she died, her mom had a meeting at the school with the other girls parents.. and the one mom was saying things like " she needs to learn to take a joke" "my daughter was just kidding..." "What do you want my daughter to do, apologize??" i mean really!!!! the "not my kid" attitude drives me nuts!!!! its OUR job as the adults to guide them. They don't need to be best friends with everybody in life, but they have to at least be nice.
if you are close to the other kid's parents, could you maybe try setting up a one-on-one playdate with your son and one of their kids, instead of as a group? These issues tend to get worse when theres a group of kids involved. if you just have 2 kids playing together, its a lot easier to guide them to be nice to each other and for them to kind of find things in common and create a friendship.
of course, i say this as a complete introvert mom whose kids (4 and 7 years old) could definitely use more socialization LOL so take it with a grain of salt....

Re: Need Advice- 4 Year Old and Social Issues

I would speak to the teacher about it.

I will say, my daughter is in 5th grade, and there is STILL drama to this day about playing tag, and kids running away. Some kids don't understand that is part of the game, and get upset, cry, accuse people of being left out etc. Tag should be banned from playgrounds since kids don't seem to grasp how it works.

Re: Need Advice- 4 Year Old and Social Issues

I would talk to the school. Another perspective can help.

Another thing I try with my DD is to help discuss the issue and encourage letting things go. She’s 5 but will get super upset over something trivial. You can’t say, let it go. We have a long chat about how she felt, what the other person could have been feeling, and options to get upset, let it go, etc.

Sometimes you just have to listen and let them process their emotions.

Re: Need Advice- 4 Year Old and Social Issues

He’s so young. It really is the age to experience and figure out that stuff.

I’d touch base with the school and ask them if he stands out this way. An active part of DD’s preschool experience was the playground aspect (when kids don’t want to play with you, etc). It was very helpful when she went to K.

As for play dates: do 1:1 play dates. See if there are kids that are older he can do these with.

Re: Need Advice- 4 Year Old and Social Issues

I would try to find other boys for your son to play with. At this age they sometimes start to gender select and want to play with only boys or only girls.

Need Advice- 4 Year Old and Social Issues

I have been dealing with this for years and it only gets worse as the kids get older. My advice to you is to teach your child to be friendly with everyone and when these kids run away, find someone else to play with. You can't force kids to play together and if you do, it will not turn out well. The dynamic with kids changes so quickly that one week they are running away, the next they are best friends. Teaching coping skills and alternative ways to handle a situation will benefit your son in the long run.

Need Advice- 4 Year Old and Social Issues

One of my twins has social issues too- no diagnosis yet.
He is just finishing 1st grade. When in nursery he was getting services and was working with a social worker. She would play with my son along with some other in class so it would be a small group of 4 and teach them playing,, taking turns etc. I would see if the seit could do this at play time.