Adoption Q

So i was watching Dr.Phil yesterday who was having an episode about adoption and i have a few questions from it.

The first being:

A lot of adoptions today seem to have a stipulation that it is an open adoption. In that the natural mother is still informed and part of the childs life from time to time. No she doesn't take on that "mother role" but she is present in the childs life.

Could you adopt a child with that stipulation?

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My first instinct would be to say no and not sure why. Although I did see Dr Phil yesterday and caught it with the lady who was sort of stalking the son she gave away

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Posted by Wendy

My first instinct would be to say no and not sure why. Although I did see Dr Phil yesterday and caught it with the lady who was sort of stalking the son she gave away

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I don't think I could do it.

What was that movie back in the early nineties that had halle berry in it and after giving up her child for adoption she fought to get him back, ugh whats the name of that movie??

Anyway, that would be my fear.


It was Losing Isaiah

Message edited 7/14/2005 8:48:03 AM.

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Posted by Redhead

Posted by Wendy

My first instinct would be to say no and not sure why. Although I did see Dr Phil yesterday and caught it with the lady who was sort of stalking the son she gave away

that was going to be my next question!

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I think some people are sooo desperate that they agree to any terms a natural mother places, just to be able to adopt.

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My best friend's sister adopted twin boys 2 years ago and it was an open adoption. The natural mother has issues, major ones. But she lives down in the Maryland area and has only seen the boys once since they were born. The couple does keep in touch with her and talks to her often, more like friends though. She doesn't really talk to the boys at all. They do send her pics.

Actually last week they had to call DCS on her. She has a 7 yr old daughter that lives with her and they were living in some trailer in some field without water or bathroom facilities. Not a good place for a little girl! Stupid DCS woman told her who the complaint was from, even though it was supposed to be anonymous.

Anyway after seeing what they go through, I would not want an open adoption. I just wouldn't want the added interference and stress. However, if that was my only option to have a healthy child, then I would concede. I do think that if we take the adoption route we might look outside of the US though. Then you won't have to worry about the 'open' policy.

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Well, I would not be able to adopt a child...I don't think. For some reason I think that I would love my own more than the adopted child and that wouldn't be fair to him/her.

As for having the mother involved, I wouldn't want that, I think she would get in the way of the bond that I would be trying to establish w/the child. JMO

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My friends adopted a child and it's an open adoption. That means they have to send pictures and an update every few months. The baby is only one so I don't know how involved she will be as the baby gets older because other then the letters there has been no involvement.

My friends of course intend to be very open with their daughter about being adopted and I suppose this type of adoption would keep a door open if she should ever want to meet her birth mother.

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I'm adopted and I don't think i would want my birth mother to be involved at all. When people adopt they are accepting a child to be there own, I don't think they should have to have another "parent" in the picture.

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no I would go out of the country before I agreed to an open adoption. I would like the natural mother's name documented somewhere in case my child ever wanted to search as an adult, but I would not want to be in an agreement with the natural mother.

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tricky tricky question.
for ME i would say Nope, cant do it.....
BUT if my child wanted to see his nirth mother when he is of age i owuld like him to be able to.

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Having been adopted myself, I just think this would make things far to complicated for the child. Once the child is a teenager or an adult, contact is fine, but for a child to have this whole birth parents/adoptive parents thing going on. I think it would be far too confusing for the child. If I adopt a child (which I plan to do), I would want there to be no confusion at all that I am the child's "real" mother. I can't imagine how complicated my life would have been having split loyalties and affections over 2 sets of parents. Giving up a child for adoption is a difficult decision, but that's what it is, giving up a child. If you want contact with the child, raise it yourself, or get a relative to "adopt." I'm not saying no one can and should ahve an adoption like this, but I think from my experience I wouldn't want it for myself or my child.

Also with teh mothers trying to get custody back. I think it's so horrible on both sides. My parents had to wait until I was nearl a year old ebfore I was legally theirs 100% and for a year they lived in the horrible fear that my birth mother would just one day decide she wanted me back. I don't think it would be fair for anyone to have to go throguh life with that fear. if there's an adoption where the child has contact with the birth mother, the birth mother could decide she wants the kid back, get desperate and say things like "i'm your real mother, come with me" and manipulate and confuse the child. I think it's better and healthier for all parties involved if the birth parents are out of the child's life at least until the child is a teengaer or an adult.

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I personally do not think the natural mother should EVER try to contact the child whether they are 18, 30, 50

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As someone who was adopted, I see nothing wrong with teh birth parents trying to contact the child once the child is an adult. I would love to meet my birth parents.

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I looked online and I joined websites where B parents try to get in touch with children and vice versa. I got a few people respond. But they were either looking for boys or people born in texas or something LOL. I never got any real leads.
ETA: these were sites liike personals..a child would put where you were born, gender, date, etc, and the aprnets would put the same info about teh child they gave up, and they could find and contact each other at will, so it was all vuluntary

Message edited 7/14/2005 1:03:27 PM.

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Posted by Janice

Posted by marymoon

I looked online and I joined websites where B parents try to get in touch with children and vice versa. I got a few people respond. But they were either looking for boys or people born in texas or something LOL. I never got any real leads.

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I definately could not.

We are in the process of adopting from China and the "open adoption" trend in the US is one of the major reasons we did not adopt domestically.

I am not comfortable having the birth mother be a part of my child's life. If they wanted to be a part of his/her life then the baby shouldn't have been put up for adoption in the first place.

If an adopted child wants to find his or her birthparents when they get older that is their choice and I'm all for it, but it should be the child's choice not the birth mothers.

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I would consider it...

Im a little different with my beliefs though..I think raising a child should be more of a group effort, where you really need a lot of influence besides parents. Family members, friends etc and their relationships with your child shape them, and in a positive way more then likely so I would want my child to know they were adopted to to know the person. I do though agree its a VERY individual decision...there is no right or wrong here.