How do you handle this?

DS and my niece are 4 mos apart - they're both 8 yrs old. BIL & SIL get & give my niece whatever she wants. When DS sees that she has new things (toys, games, etc) he wants them too and says how it's not fair. It really hasn't been a big problem until recently. She has a game that he desperately wants (Minecraft for the PC), while it isn't a matter of us not having the $ for it, it's more the fact that (1) we don't want him to think he asks (whines/begs) for something and gets it and (2) I don't want him to think he can be on the computer at any and every free moment (tho DH & I have devised a plan about that).

The other part that comes into play that DS doesn't "get" is that my niece doesn't follow the rules her parents have, and they don't enforce them. Most times when the kids are together, it's at a family function, and when we are at BIL/SIL's house, the kids just go hang in 1 room & play - BIL/SIL rarely (if at all) check up on them - where as I do, especially after an incident about a year ago (that's a WHOLE other post). Example, we were at their house yesterday and the kids were playing - it was time to leave and DS got upset b/c he didn't get to play Minecraft on the PC b/c niece wouldn't let him - he got SO upset and when we tried to resolve it by involving SIL, she said "She (my niece) isn't even supposed to be ON the laptop"

DS is a good kid, and it breaks my heart that it has to be like this, but I know it's only going to get worse! I don't want to involve BIL/SIL (I feel it's not our place to tell them how to raise their kids - just b/c it's diff't from what we are doing, doesn't mean it's wrong)

How can I get an 8 year old to understand this?

Re: How do you handle this?

Did your neice get mine craft for a holiday or birthday present? Or that she received it as a reward for something? As for the computer use, a party is not the time where I would want my kids or any other kid on the computer. Perhaps your silly told your niece no computer time when we have guests. I know I have said that to my kids and my ds is 8 too. I would tell your son that perhaps mincraft can be a holiday present. Someone else is always going to have a new toy or something else. Focusing on what 9thers have and you don't is just going to lead to misery for you. Focus on what you do have.

My son asked for a cell phone. His friend has one because his parents are divorced. He lives in three homes every week. Mom, dad, and grandma. So in order to reach everyone he has a phone. I had to explain to my son how that must be a difficult time for his friend. We had a lengthy discussion about wants, needs, empathy, and how the grass is not always greener. It cut down and really eliminated the I want discussion .

Re: How do you handle this?

She did not receive it as a gift - they have (since she was little) given her things to "shut her up" or "Keep her quiet" (those are actual things SIL has told me!)

When niece got Minecraft, she used BIL's phone and called me 2x (I was in a dr appt w/ my kids, so didn't answer), then she called me from SIL's phone 2x. This was all within like 5-10min, so I had all these missed calls, when I called back, no one answers - I started to worry that something happened. Then I get a call from SIL's phone, it was my niece asking for my DS - she was calling to brag about getting Minecraft - later that day they FaceTimed and she sat in front of the laptop playing Minecraft so he could see. Meanwhile she is telling him "Ask your mom to get it for you" - at that time I had a talk with him, reminding him that we don't just go out and buy things just to buy them.

PS, I did talk to SIl about her calling, she said "I didn't even know she had my phone"

Re: How do you handle this?

There's nothing you can do about your neice's behavior, or how your BIL/SIL raise their kid ..........You can only talk to your son about how he reacts to her.

I remember plenty of times as a kid where my cousins had things I didn't - and some were HUGE 'braggers' as you said - like you, not b/c my parent's couldn't afford it, but b/c it was just the principle of it ...... My cousin's brand new mustang was hidden in MY parents' garage for a week before Christmas. We were 17 .... Don't think that didn't suck .......but it is what it is ....

It's part of life. At 8 years old, I think your son is old enough to understand it. He doesn't have to LIKE it (who does?) but he's going to have to deal with things like that for his entire life. KWIM?

Re: How do you handle this?

Re: How do you handle this?

At 8 years old, your DS is mature enough to understand that kids have different rules. You have to be sure you get your point across to DS, and that's all you can do. Your SIL and her DH will raise their child how they would like. There is nothing you need to or should say to them. Your DS won't like it, but he'll understand every house does things differently.

Just wondering why when your DS was upset leaving, did you try to involve SIL? My thing would be to just take him (upset or not) and go. Is there a reason you tried to involve her?

Message edited 9/14/2015 9:33:16 AM.

How do you handle this?

This is just typical kid stuff. I don't think you can do anything about it. You can't tell your BIL/SIL how to raise their kids, you can only teach your own children values. Can your son do chores and earn the game? This is the perfect opportunity to teach him the value of hard work. That's what I would do. My son is a big computer gamer, but I just don't buy him the games. I'll have him do yard work, or line up a bunch of chores for a couple of days and he earns it. He doesn't like it, but that's life.

This is only to get worse as kids get older too. Wait until all their friends have an Iphone 6 plus and they're begging for one of those!

Re: How do you handle this?

Re: How do you handle this?

How do you handle this?

Do you speak to your DS before he sees his cousin? Maybe if you said something like" remember, there are different rules for (cousin) and that's what happens in her house. Our house/rules are different - all your friends have different rules too . . . " something along those lines, so he has it fresh in his head when he gets there. And then if/when if complains about not having what she has, remind him of what you discussed on the way there.

Re: How do you handle this?

Re: How do you handle this?

How do you handle this?

Theres probably not really much you can do. My oldest is 6. We have 3 kids. My aister has 1 child. He is 6 as well. They are 2 days apart. He is very spoiled nd literlly gets everything he wants. My husband and i have 3and we live modestly. My children must earn what they get. My nephew is llowed to drink soda, my kids are not. This is one of the things my son gets upset about. I tell him, right in front of my sister that I am his mom and we have different rules. He can have seltzer or water. I explain to him when he asks why he cant just have a toy that his cousin has is becuase he has to work hard to earn it ith good behavior or he can wait for santa. It sucks sometimes. But we roll with the punches.

Re: How do you handle this?

Re: How do you handle this?

How do you handle this?

I think we have all been in that situation, in some form or another. I would handle it by addressing it with your son directly and let him know that he shouldn't compare himself to others. Also, I wouldn't let him away with not going to grandma's house because he was too upset. Both of these are important life lessons that he should learn (although I know it is difficult to see your child's disappointment). You can also consider giving him opportunities to earn money to buy it for himself (i.e. take out the garbage, etc.)

Once he earns it (if he does) or gets it as a present, set up rules for earning time (completes his homework within a certain amount of time, chores, etc.). We do this and keep a chart up to track it.

Message edited 9/14/2015 12:22:37 PM.