So upset about DD's behavior lately (sorry, long)

I posted about my feisty almost 3 year old a few weeks back but didn't get many responses.

DD will be 3 in Jan. Since she is 7 months old, we've gone to Mommy & Me type classes at least once a week. I'm not heavy on play dates, though this summer we got in a good amount. I work PT from home and most of my friends work FT and their kids attend daycare. The classes and library trips were always her main socialization. She also has cousins (though she is the oldest) and sees them often and it feels like we often have a birthday party or some kid-oriented activity on weekend.

I've noticed for the past year or so that she can be aggressive—hitting or, her favorite, pinching. A lot of the time it's because someone tried taking a toy. But sometimes it's just because she simply felt like the kid (or even adult) is in her personal space. She used to do it to DH and I and other adult family members, but that seems to have stopped. We do time outs at home. At play dates and at classes, I have to hover to make sure it doesn't happen. If it does, I remove her immediately to a quiet spot. Then she must say sorry. I tell her if it happens again, we're leaving and it usually doesn't. On one-on-one play dates, she is usually quite good. She can be very sweet and hug-y with her friends. But in group settings she can get aggressive and unnecessarily defensive. We did a separation class over the summer. After she got over the separation part, the teachers would say she'd pinch kids. But by the end of the session, it seemed to be hardly happening. I thought it was getting better. Now she started a nursery school program two days a week. It's a 2 year old program because she isn't 3 until Jan, so she is among the oldest. For the past 2 weeks, I've been getting bad reports every time I pick her up. She's hitting, kicking, pinching kids. Today she scratched a boy and drew blood. (It seems to be the boys that she goes after more.) She has crazy good language skills, seriously above average, so she has the words, but she seems to lack impulse control. She tells me before class that she's not going to do it. We practice what to do when she gets mad or someone takes her toy. But she just can't apply it in the heat of the moment. She just reacts. She has even hit her teacher.

This is all unacceptable behavior to me. I know she is young, but there are younger kids in the class and it seems like it's mainly her acting this way. The school is being helpful and telling me what they're doing so I can do the same thing at home. But I don't have kids over every day and that's when the attacks seem to happen. At home, she is a typical toddler, testing boundaries in terms of listening, but she is also an incredibly sweet, loving and affectionate child. I just want everyone to see that side of her, but instead I feel like she'll be labeled a problem child and excluded from things. I wouldn't invite the kid who beats the cr*p out of my child to a birthday party.

Is she too young for this program, even though she is one of the oldest? Do I pull her out and hope she grows out of it and does fine next year? DH says she needs to learn how to interact better with other children. I just don't want these kids to be the guinea pigs and get hurt. I called her doctor but the nurse scheduled an appt to come in without even hearing what's going on. I go on Friday. I'm not bringing DD because I don't think it's healthy to keep discussing this in front of her. I feel like we're going to give her a complex. She talks about it A LOT. DH thinks the dr visit is a bit excessive, but I figure it can't hurt. She may tell me this can be typical toddler behavior and she'll most likely grow out of it soon, or she'll send me to a specialist. If DD needs a little extra help, I want to her to get it sooner rather than later.

Any insight/advice, especially with the BTDT crowd or those with child psych background is greatly appreciated.

TIA!

ETA: She seems to love school. She talks about it all the time and can't wait to go. She doesn't get upset when I leave. In fact, she is sometimes upset that she has to go home, so I don't think it's necessarily the separation part that is making her act out.

Message edited 10/8/2013 10:57:22 PM.

Re: So upset about DD's behavior lately (sorry, long)

I don't have any advice, but I think you are doing the right things. It is very hard. Is she an only child? Do you have any changes going on at home? Is there any sort of pattern when she scratches/pinches? Is it to one particular child? Is it when she is doing or not doing something? What does she do directly before scratching/pinching? I would talk to her, but I am also of the philosophy that she might need a taste of her own medicine once to just nip it in the bud. At this age she do you think she realizes she is hurting someone, or do you think she just wants to get what she wants and this is the method she is employing to get it?

Re: So upset about DD's behavior lately (sorry, long)

Ds went through a phase where he was overly aggressive in school around 2 1/2. he is the tallest in his class and was one of the older kids.
as much as my mother and DH did not like it, we had the teacher separate him whenever he got this way. She would take him away from the kids and sit him down to play by himself at a table. She would also sit with him and explain why ti was wrong. we would then talk to him about it at home as well.
seeing the other kids play and not being able to join them seemed to have helped. he has mostly stopped with the behavior.

the only problem i am having now is that the teachers take any little thing he does and put him in time out. he's overly affectionate and give huge bear hugs (which sometimes hurt). anytime he does that, he's in time out.

Re: So upset about DD's behavior lately (sorry, long)

From a BTDT mom, I would take her to the dr just to rule things out. Might be over-zealous but I think its better to run everything down.

DS went through a similar stage a bit holder than your daughter. It was terrible to keep getting bad reports. Made me sick to my stomach actually. But... the good news is that it all changed on the drop of a dime. I didn't think things were ever going to get better. I called the dr a few times, bought books, disciplined, disciplined, disciplined but nothing seemed to be working. And honestly, all of a sudden, one day it just stopped.

Things that I think helped - consistent discipline, lots of talking and explaining, bought a set of books ("Feet are not for kicking", "Teeth are not for biting", etc - reading them each time there was a bad behavior seemed to help connect what he was doing and why it was wrong), and finally reaffirming that we loved him and that we were on his side.

Good luck and fm me if you ever want to talk!

Re: So upset about DD's behavior lately (sorry, long)

Thank you for the responses. It really helps to hear from those who have BTDT. I feel like it's a common assumption that kids that act out like this have parents that don't care or aren't strict enough, but I feel like we're doing everything we can to stop it. We discuss this with her ad nauseam but nothing seems to help. I'm hoping, like pp said, that she just grows out of it one day.

School gives her time outs. She said she doesn't like them and they make her sad. But so far they haven't really deterred her.

As far as change in the household, yup, we have a few things going on. I'm 7 months pregnant for one. DD (currently only child) is excited but will occasionally say things like "I don't want you to have another baby because I want you stay with me." She already understands that her life is going to change and I'm sure that's scary for her. She's been saying it a lot less now because we've played up the "mommy's helper" role and she's really excited to be a "babysitter" (as she says) to the baby. We also moved mid-year--sold our house right after xmas. We had to live with my in-laws over the winter and then moved into our new house in April. She seemed to handle the transitions amazingly well, but who knows, maybe this is a delayed reaction?

That all said, she was doing this pinching stuff before all this, too. Yes, it seems worse right now, but she also wasn't seeing kids 2 days a week for 2.5 hours at a time, so it's hard to say if this is the cause of current behavior.

She used get rough with my nephew (6 months younger than her) but she is really good with him now. They play cute together and are constantly hugging. We just saw him this evening and she got through a couple of hours without one incident. DH and I made a big fuss about it on the ride home. This gives me hope that maybe as she gets to know these kids more, she'll be her loving self.

Thanks for book recs. I'm going to look for those.

Re: So upset about DD's behavior lately (sorry, long)