what would you do/say? Very long UPDATED

Sorry I dont know how to xpost. I need advice tho, me being emotional bc im preggo doesnt help....


So my father and my mother married almost 30 years ago.

Before he met my mom he had an ex-wife and family in Minnestoa. I did not find out about his 3 other children who are much older than myself and my siblings until I was about 13 years old or so. His childrens kids are my age and older/younger.

When I did find out it was by accident, I wasnt told I had to ask. My dad was upset when he told me and he said if I wanted to contact them I could because he always knew where they were.

When I was older I asked my mom about it and why he got divorced etc..She had no idea, how could you not know? How could you not want to know?

Ive always thought about these 3 other siblings I had and if I would want to contact them.

Well I did today, on facebook. I asked if his dad was such and such and he replied yes, but i havent had contact for 35 plus years.

I want to know why? But Im scared to death to ask, I dont want to hear bad things about my dad. I dont know if he paid child support or not I dont know if he abandoned them and I dont know if Im ready to hear it. My dad is an alcholic and has been forever. Im sure that has something to do with it but I am so scared to ask.

I did reply to my half brother :


Yes, he is my father and has been for the past 25 years. He has told my siblings and I about you and your siblings. I am sorry to hear that you have not had contact with him, I was interested in contacting you and your siblings just to know what the rest of my "family" was like. I hope my contacting you did not anger you or anything, if so please let me know. If you have any questions about our father please feel free to ask, if you don't care to know I understand whole heartedly. I hope to hear back from you.


I guess my question is, should I ask what happened, what went wrong? It breaks my heart to know these children were without a dad for sooo long. It angers me that my dad could do that.

Sorry so long...Thanks for hanging in there til the end. Any advice, personal experience anything to stop my heart from hurting please let me know. TIA




update: so he wrote me back. I am crying right now because Im preggo and emotional..lol. i am happy he wants to get to know me and my family and even his/our dad.

No! No anger or "ill feelings" at all. I can't speak for Bob or Deb (my brother and sister - I am sure they have their own perspective, frankly we avoid the subject - I can fill you in more regarding that), but I would love to connect with him, you and your family(s).

I would love to talk more. Here is my email address: *****. If you don't mind, send me a note and we can correspond that way rather than this, more awkward method.

Thank you (very much!) for "braving" the contact. I appreciate you putting yourself out there. You never know what kind of reaction you may have received.

Message edited 1/28/2009 5:00:11 PM.

Re: what would you do/say? Very long

IMO no you should not ask them -
If you want to know, you should ask your father.
But don't ask the kids he hasn't seen or spoken to in 30 + years ........

I mean,you COULD ask, but I don't think your questions would be well received.

Re: what would you do/say? Very long

Should I just leave it at that..if they choose to write back then talk.

Re: what would you do/say? Very long

Re: what would you do/say? Very long

I agree -- I think you should ask your dad first. I'm sure he would like for you to hear his version first, you know?

This is a tough one -- I'm sorry you are dealing with it

Re: what would you do/say? Very long

Don't ask...if they want a relationship with you or you with them...fine- but try to keep your dad and their issues w/ him separate.

Try to focus on you and your life/ them and their life... get to know eachother- Do you know what I mean?

I see you have made alot of friends on facebook... you poor thing... Friends with my MIL huh?

Re: what would you do/say? Very long

I love my dad to death. He is a great person. Although he has not always been the best father or husband. So a lot of the things they may tell me I may understand.

Im scared to ask my father because he is very very emotional. And he gets depressed and drinks because of it.

i wish I could ask my mom but she is clueless and doesnt really seem to want to know anything. I dont get why, but thats her take on it. Unless she knows more than she says and didnt want to hurt me.

Re: what would you do/say? Very long

I would ask questions, but that's just me. I'd need to know, even if the truth (or what they believe to be the truth) hurts.

Are you prepared to hear whatever it is they might say? What are you looking to gain from this? Do you want to maintain a relationship with your half-siblings? Have you talked to your dad about your feelings?

Re: what would you do/say? Very long

Re: what would you do/say? Very long UPDATED

bump

Re: what would you do/say? Very long UPDATED

It is so great that he is so open to the possibilities of getting to know you and your dad. Best wishes on the formation of a relationship with your half-brother!

Re: what would you do/say? Very long UPDATED

I would just build a relationship and see how it goes. There may not be any hard feelings anyway. Maybe your Dad's ex remarried and offered to raise the children so your dad just stayed out of it. Who really knows?

Re: what would you do/say? Very long UPDATED

Im here if you need me....