Need advice re:disipline

I hope this doesn't get too long, but I am at a loss of what to try next, and hope that Im not the only one with 'that' kid who is bad!....

Claire is 12 months old now and for the past month or so her behavior has gotten so aggressive and she is very difficult to handle at times. She seems to have ZERO patience and when she doesn't get her way she immediately tries to hit, bite, pinch or pull hair. At first I would slap her hand or tap her mouth for biting but she is totally unphased by it and I am not comfortable hitting her harder so we have been trying time outs but it seems to make her more angry and she will cry, then crawl over and continue the same behavior.

She seems to do this to all of us, and is constantly hurting her 2 year old cousin when they are together. Her latest thing is throwing her head back or hitting her head against the wall or floor when she is mad.......I feel like this is too crazy for a 12 month old to be doing...and I can tell she knows that she should not do the behavor (such as go through the garbage) but she is testing us and then flips out when she doesnt get her way..I just don't know what to do next.

Don't get me wrong I love her to pieces and she does have her good moments where she is great, but these aggression problems are now daily as well..........any advice is welcome!

Re: Need advice re:disipline

there is this book called 1-2-3 Magic. It's supposed to give good tips on dealing with this sort of behavior, incorporating the whole 1....2....3 countdown, along with time outs, and other discipline tools. a friend of mine SWEARS by it. not sure if it would help, or even if you're interested in 'going by the book'...but thought i would suggest it. good luck!

Re: Need advice re:disipline

Ok I'm going to try to right this quick so if I dont' finish - I'll post more tonight. While I'm not sure if this will work for Claire - it's started to work for Maddie & Joseph. Something the child psychologist had suggested for Joseph after we had him evaluated.

If you've ever watched those nanny shows about positive reinforcement? I've noticed that when I pay attention to their bad behavior, that it increases. When they're behaving, I've been sitting with them reading a book, playing on the floor, wearing crowns at the dinner table. If they misbehave, depending on their age, I handle it differently.

Ignore the behavior. Don't try to stop it (as long as she's not in danger or hurting her cousin). Let her have her tantrum & when she's done - say "Are you finished?"

When Maddie is getting really out of control, we put her in her room (light on, door open) - and let her scream her head off. I go in only when I hear her quiet down. If I go in before, it sets her off again - and the tantrum starts all over again.

When she's calm but just misbehaving, she has to go in the "thinking chair" to get control of herself - 1 min per year -- 2 min. If she gets out of the chair, I dont' say anything to her until the timer goes off and then I tell her she has another minute because she got up.

I would tell her the consequences of hurting her cousin - if you do that, we have to leave the party, etc. and then follow through with whatever you threatened. Yes I've regretted saying things like that - but then I've learned to be really serious about what I'm threatening.

wow that makes me actually think I know what I'm doing...really we're all winging it.

Posted by MrsERod

there is this book called 1-2-3 Magic. It's supposed to give good tips on dealing with this sort of behavior, incorporating the whole 1....2....3 countdown, along with time outs, and other discipline tools. a friend of mine SWEARS by it. not sure if it would help, or even if you're interested in 'going by the book'...but thought i would suggest it. good luck!

Message edited 1/10/2006 4:52:59 PM.

Re: Need advice re:disipline

at this point I would say ignore her as long as she is not hurting anyone. Once she doesn't get attention gor her behavior she won't do it anymore. She will have a hard time understanding active discipline at this age, when she hits 18 months yiu can start punishments. good luck, i know how frustrating it can be.

Re: Need advice re:disipline

1-2-3 Magic ~ A Book Review
by Cheryl Lewis

1-2-3 Magic Effective Discipline for Children 2-12 is an awesome concept. It is deceptively easy. Actually the discipline method is easy and concise, it’s the parents emotions that make it seem more difficult. The concept is based on counting off behavior that you want to stop. Dr. Phelan has two cardinal rules though, no talking and no emotion. This is the part that makes it difficult.

Dr. Phelan explains his concept thoroughly in his book. He writes in a way that you feel more like you are having a conversation with the man rather than reading his book. The language he uses is more like that of a friend sharing a great idea. It’s not full of big difficult to understand psychobabble words. He makes it clear what a parent’s job truly is and leaves no room for guilt to eat at the parent. He tells you up front that when you are done reading his book you will know exactly how to deal with your child. I believe he is correct in his theories as well. I’ve put them into practice with my own kids. Guess what? It’s working.

He also explains in depth how to get kids to start doing the things you want them too. He calls these the “Start Behaviors”. He gives several different methods to use. He also explains very clearly the reactions you are likely to get. In plain words, he tells you up front that your kids are likely to try to manipulate around doing what you want them too. He gives wonderful strategies for dealing with these manipulations as well. Again his theories are on target and methods work. I’ve been able to decipher which child will use which method of manipulation and deal with it.

He states clearly that you should begin using the 1-2-3 approach for “Stop Behaviors” about two weeks before starting the “Start Behaviors”. This is an excellent recommendation. When starting the 1-2-3 methods you are going to encounter some difficulty and you will need time to adjust. More importantly your children will need time to adjust to your new methods.

Beyond any doubt the thing I like best about this book is the fact that Dr. Phelan does not list off all the things that make someone a bad parent. He has written this book in a way that it is enjoyable to read. I actually had trouble putting it down. It’s clear that this man is a real live father as well as an “expert”.

I highly recommend this book. While the concept is for children ages two to twelve I think it would also make an excellent baby shower gift. However, one of my favorite quotes is “It is never to late to become what you might have been” by George Elliot. It certainly applies to this method of discipline for kids too. You just have to remember the two cardinal rules – no talking and no emotion.

Re: Need advice re:disipline

Part of this is just developmental..children at 2 are starting to realize that they can do things without you and they want to explore and see for themselves. It is very normal.
Here is what I do when Molly is just not coorperating at all:
I tell her in a few easy words to stop her behavior..I use a very direct method. "Stop touching that. You can get hurt".
I give her 2 warnings unless it is something she could get really hurt from then there is barely 1 warning.
After the 2 warnings I tell her that she is going to her crib since she can't listen..she HATES that...so she quickly stops...if she doesn't I count 1...2...and if I get to 3 into the crib she goes.
A few times though she counts alone with me..thinking I am playing a counting game with her. She is always so proud to do it that it is hard to punish her.

Time outs, for us, also work really well. I just make her stand against the wall in the room we are in and by stopping the behavior it seems to help.

Message edited 1/10/2006 5:33:22 PM.

Re: Need advice re:disipline

Re: Need advice re:disipline

Thank you for all your responses, we are open to all ideas at this point. I think we will continue with the time outs but we have to be more consistent with them, as well as trying to ignore/distract her from the behavior if it is out of fustration/tiredness.

Thanks for the book suggestion, I will check it out for ideas as well! I expected this type of rebellious behavior just not at 12 months or quite this extreme.

Re: Need advice re:disipline

Sorry you're having a tough time. Andrew (who is 11 months) is exhibiting some of the same behaviors, including hair pulling, banging his head and flipping backwards onto his head (if we don't catch him in time!) when he doesn't get his way.

He seems to be so willful and stubborn if he wants to do something and we don't let him.

If you figure out something that works, please POST it!