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Bxgell2
Perfection
Member since 5/05 16438 total posts
Name:
Beth
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The saga continues... need input
Ok, so this is what I plan on writing back to my brother. Any input? Am I being too easy on him? Too harsh? What do you think?
He has a tendency to lash back very quickly - he is VERY defensive and has never in all the time I've known him, conceded that he is wrong. He is always right, and perfect, and is just brilliant at turning things around.
This email will likely erupt in WW3. The last time I pushed back on him, we didn't speak for THREE years. But, at this point, I really don't care. I just want to make sure I'm getting my pont across, without making unnecessary low blows.
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"I am not hiring movers. It doesn't make sense because all he has is boxes of books, stuff and clothes, and I don't see any purpose in wasting thousands of dollars on movers when it can all fit into one small Uhaul truck. The apartment complex doesn't allow people to move in over the weekend, so it will have to be done on a weekday.
It doesn't HAVE to all be done in one day, but Dad is older, prone to tripping, nervous and very anxious about this move. And, while (dh) and I can take one day off work (and by the way, the day I'm taking off is unpaid), we simply cannot take every morning off work that week to accomodate your schedule for this move, only to move him in dribs and drabs. It makes more sense for us to put all our efforts together on one day and get it all done in one shot.
So, that is the schedule. I will be packing Dad on the weekend. We will be moving him into his apartment on Monday, and at the same time, picking up his furniture from Ikea and setting it up. If you can find a way to rearrange your schedule, like you did for your trip to Israel, we would appreciate your help. If not, we will get it done ourselves."
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Posted 8/24/07 8:11 AM  |
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DebG
Pick a cause & stand up for it
Member since 5/05 18602 total posts
Name:
The cure IS worse!
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Re: The saga continues... need input
Most of it sounds good. Explanatory and to the point. The only part I would think twice about is "If you can find a way to rearrange your schedule, like you did for your trip to Israel, we would appreciate your help. If not, we will get it done ourselves." To me it sounds like you are throwing his trip in his face and implying that his trip was more important than his father.
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| Posted 8/24/07 8:17 AM |
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Bxgell2
Perfection
Member since 5/05 16438 total posts
Name:
Beth
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Re: The saga continues... need input
Posted by DebG
Most of it sounds good. Explanatory and to the point. The only part I would think twice about is "If you can find a way to rearrange your schedule, like you did for your trip to Israel, we would appreciate your help. If not, we will get it done ourselves." To me it sounds like you are throwing his trip in his face and implying that his trip was more important than his father.
I am  The fact is, he IS making his vacation, and his students, more important. But, you're right, I'm sure he won't react well to that comment. I'll re-think that one.
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| Posted 8/24/07 8:23 AM |
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DebG
Pick a cause & stand up for it
Member since 5/05 18602 total posts
Name:
The cure IS worse!
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Re: The saga continues... need input
Save it for when you get him to rearrange his schedule, like a last lick!
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| Posted 8/24/07 8:25 AM |
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MsSissy
xoxoxo
Member since 3/07 39159 total posts
Name:
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Re: The saga continues... need input
I think it sounds fine. Straight to the point and you get your all your points across.
The only thing I might take out is "if you can't make it we will get it done without you". It sounds like you are still making it OK for him not to help.
After saying "we would appreciate the help" I would close it with something like "hope to see you there or talk to you soon". . Something like that.
Good Luck! I hope you get the answer you're looking for
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| Posted 8/24/07 8:27 AM |
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JennZ
MY LIFE!!
Member since 8/05 25463 total posts
Name:
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Re: The saga continues... need input
Send it as is. Straight to the point, and IF he gets upset it will only be because he knows he is WRONG. You do a lot.
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| Posted 8/24/07 8:33 AM |
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Karen
Just chillin'!!
Member since 1/06 9690 total posts
Name:
Karen
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Re: The saga continues... need input
IMO, I think it's too nice.
I would also take out the line about doing it yourselves - otherwise, you just gave me an out. I would make it clear that he is expected to be there, period.
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| Posted 8/24/07 8:54 AM |
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Goldi0218
My miracles!
Member since 12/05 23902 total posts
Name:
Leslie
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Re: The saga continues... need input
In a family of multiple siblings it is very diffiicult to coordinate schedules for anything even if all parties are willing to participate in an event. When you are dealing with different personality types, there is always going to be one who takes the lead and one who may fall short of what "should" be done. I know in my family, we have leaders and we have ones that kind of go with the flow. We all have our roles.
I found that it is best to be accountable for myself and not have expectations that others are going to live up to the standards I set for myself. Sometimes, it is perceived that I do not do enough. No matter what, SOMEONE is always going to be unhappy.
I would make them aware that "such and such" is done or needs to be done and if there is a stroke of conscience, they may surprise you and contribute. If they don't then you won't get disappointed.
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| Posted 8/24/07 8:55 AM |
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Bxgell2
Perfection
Member since 5/05 16438 total posts
Name:
Beth
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Re: The saga continues... need input
Posted by Goldi0218
In a family of multiple siblings it is very diffiicult to coordinate schedules for anything even if all parties are willing to participate in an event. When you are dealing with different personality types, there is always going to be one who takes the lead and one who may fall short of what "should" be done. I know in my family, we have leaders and we have ones that kind of go with the flow. We all have our roles.
I found that it is best to be accountable for myself and not have expectations that others are going to live up to the standards I set for myself. Sometimes, it is perceived that I do not do enough. No matter what, SOMEONE is always going to be unhappy.
I would make them aware that "such and such" is done or needs to be done and if there is a stroke of conscience, they may surprise you and contribute. If they don't then you won't get disappointed.
Rationally, and intellectually, I know this. I know I should come to expect nothing and that way I won't be let down each and every time.
Emotionally, it's a different story. We aren't just talking about different styles, and different schedules here. We are talking about two siblings who have no qualm in the world about allowing their sister to shoulder 99.9% the burden of caring for an elderly, sick parent, who, coincidentally enough, is the only one of the three who has a young daughter to tend to at the same time. It angers me, and saddens me that they can be so callous and uncaring, and as much as I can rationalize it in my mind to not let it bother me, to just not expect anything and accept that this is the way they are, my heart just doesn't seem to want to follow.
Message edited 8/24/2007 9:03:00 AM.
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| Posted 8/24/07 9:02 AM |
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Goldi0218
My miracles!
Member since 12/05 23902 total posts
Name:
Leslie
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Re: The saga continues... need input
Im sorry you have to go through this. I do know what it is like to have to tend to elderly parents and its hard when people are not on the same page.
You have every right to be angry. I certainly did not mean to invalidate what you are feeling. I just offered my own methods and skills of survival. It took me a long time to make peace with how to deal with disappointing situations. I tend to be a "glass half empty" person.
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| Posted 8/24/07 9:19 AM |
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JessieQ
Rest in Peace baby Rogan
Member since 6/07 1122 total posts
Name:
Jessica
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Re: The saga continues... need input
Posted by DebG
Most of it sounds good. Explanatory and to the point. The only part I would think twice about is "If you can find a way to rearrange your schedule, like you did for your trip to Israel, we would appreciate your help. If not, we will get it done ourselves." To me it sounds like you are throwing his trip in his face and implying that his trip was more important than his father.
I agree, on one hand you want him to see how ridiculous it is that he can't cancel his lessons for his own father but he can for a vacation. But be careful how you word it, and you should probably keep out the last sentence so he doesn't have an out (oh, she said she'd do it so why bother).
Other than that it looks good, and even though I have a feeling he'll probably just get mad, we'll cross our fingers that his guilt will rule out and he'll come help!
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| Posted 8/24/07 9:31 AM |
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Shelly
She's 7!!!
Member since 8/05 14624 total posts
Name:
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Re: The saga continues... need input
I think it is great!
I would add a little bit more about WHY your day off is unpaid- since I believe you took all your paid days off caring for your dad after his surgery.
If you want to leave the line- we will do it with or without you, I would put something else in there about how if he doesn't do it, he is not only letting down his father but also his sister.
Frankly, if it were me and if he doesn't do it- I woudl just close the book on him.  so sorry you are going through this!
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| Posted 8/24/07 9:43 AM |
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Bxgell2
Perfection
Member since 5/05 16438 total posts
Name:
Beth
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Re: The saga continues... need input
How about that line about his trip to Israel, I say instead something like,
"you were able to arrange your schedule to take a month off, I'm sure you can find a way to do the same for one day"
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| Posted 8/24/07 9:47 AM |
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Shelly
She's 7!!!
Member since 8/05 14624 total posts
Name:
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Re: The saga continues... need input
Posted by Bxgell2
How about that line about his trip to Israel, I say instead something like,
"you were able to arrange your schedule to take a month off, I'm sure you can find a way to do the same for one day"
This is a very nice way of putting it.
Honestly, from the way you desribe your brother- my guess is that anything referencing this issue will pisss him off- no matter how nice you say it.
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| Posted 8/24/07 9:48 AM |
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Bxgell2
Perfection
Member since 5/05 16438 total posts
Name:
Beth
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Re: The saga continues... need input
Posted by Shelly
Posted by Bxgell2
How about that line about his trip to Israel, I say instead something like,
"you were able to arrange your schedule to take a month off, I'm sure you can find a way to do the same for one day"
This is a very nice way of putting it.
Honestly, from the way you desribe your brother- my guess is that anything referencing this issue will pisss him off- no matter how nice you say it.
Yup, that's very true. I guess there's no sense in wracking my brain to edit and re-write when anything I say will have the same end-result. 
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| Posted 8/24/07 9:50 AM |
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JessieQ
Rest in Peace baby Rogan
Member since 6/07 1122 total posts
Name:
Jessica
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Re: The saga continues... need input
Posted by Bxgell2
How about that line about his trip to Israel, I say instead something like,
"you were able to arrange your schedule to take a month off, I'm sure you can find a way to do the same for one day"
I think this sounds good. Let's hope against hope that it works.
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| Posted 8/24/07 9:53 AM |
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