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05mommy09
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x
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Message edited 11/24/2006 12:59:58 PM.
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Posted 11/23/06 8:21 PM  |
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04bride
I'm a big sister!!!
Member since 5/05 6707 total posts
Name:
Noel
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Re: Shouldnt I choose the form of discipline?
Im sorry you had a bad thanksgiving.
Yes your inlaws were totally wrong for hitting your son. I am realizing that you have a baby and everyone wants to help you raise them.
Did you say anyting to you dh?
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| Posted 11/23/06 8:32 PM |
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05mommy09
Family of 5!
Member since 5/05 15364 total posts
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Re: Shouldnt I choose the form of discipline?
x
Message edited 11/24/2006 1:00:07 PM.
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| Posted 11/23/06 8:36 PM |
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JTK
my 4 boys!
Member since 6/06 7396 total posts
Name:
Kristi
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Re: Shouldnt I choose the form of discipline?
Posted by Princessmaris
Posted by 04bride
Im sorry you had a bad thanksgiving.
Yes your inlaws were totally wrong for hitting your son. I am realizing that you have a baby and everyone wants to help you raise them.
Did you say anyting to you dh?
No- he didnt even see it- but would prob just say since he didnt hit him hard- whats the big deal ?
It didnt effect my DS in anyway- because trust me if it did- there wouldve been a war....
My son didnt even notice it... I guess its just the point-
A little slap on the hand for a 2 or 3 year old- fine- but my son is still a baby!
forgive me for saying this..but he has some nerve putting his hands on your child!!! i would be ****** and i would definitly say something! who hits a baby? well i guess now you know that whenever you leave him with your fil he will be disciplined in that way.
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| Posted 11/23/06 8:44 PM |
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05mommy09
Family of 5!
Member since 5/05 15364 total posts
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<3 Mommy <3
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Re: Shouldnt I choose the form of discipline?
x
Message edited 11/24/2006 1:00:24 PM.
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| Posted 11/23/06 8:53 PM |
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Melbernai
I am a lucky Momma!
Member since 7/05 15652 total posts
Name:
Melissa
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Re: Shouldnt I choose the form of discipline?
Marissa -- I'd have flipped out right there! I give you a lot of credit for keeping your cool -- but I would definately bring it up at another time since thanksgiving is supposed to be a nice event --- that's unacceptable and I know that your inlaws babysit sometimes and now I'd worry that it is going on when you are not there!
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| Posted 11/23/06 10:23 PM |
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05mommy09
Family of 5!
Member since 5/05 15364 total posts
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<3 Mommy <3
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Re: Shouldnt I choose the form of discipline?
Posted by Melbernai
Marissa -- I'd have flipped out right there! I give you a lot of credit for keeping your cool -- but I would definately bring it up at another time since thanksgiving is supposed to be a nice event --- that's unacceptable and I know that your inlaws babysit sometimes and now I'd worry that it is going on when you are not there!
I KNOW they would never hurt my son- its just the simple point of thats just not how I do things....
I dont want him learning to smack peoples hands- and this is the sure fire way it will happen...
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| Posted 11/23/06 10:24 PM |
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MelToddJulia
Love my Family!
Member since 7/05 29064 total posts
Name:
Mel
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Re: Shouldnt I choose the form of discipline?
Posted by Princessmaris
Posted by Melbernai
Marissa -- I'd have flipped out right there! I give you a lot of credit for keeping your cool -- but I would definately bring it up at another time since thanksgiving is supposed to be a nice event --- that's unacceptable and I know that your inlaws babysit sometimes and now I'd worry that it is going on when you are not there!
I KNOW they would never hurt my son- its just the simple point of thats just not how I do things....
I dont want him learning to smack peoples hands- and this is the sure fire way it will happen...
See I would of said something when it happened! I would of said I dont feel it was necessary to smack him on his hand, I'm his mother and I don't even do that!
That was totally wrong, what happens if Ryan does something worse next time, and your not there to see it and he smacks him again, but this time harder......see that would change my whole view of him. I would be very worried of them taking care of him again. I would tell your DH to talk to his parents again, from these posts about them obviously they aren't getting the point!
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| Posted 11/23/06 11:12 PM |
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BaroqueMama
Chase is one!
Member since 5/05 27530 total posts
Name:
me
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Re: Shouldnt I choose the form of discipline?
That was SO wrong of FIL to hit your child. On so many levels it was wrong.
What the hell was in the air with the inlaws tonight?
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| Posted 11/23/06 11:18 PM |
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CathyB
Member since 5/05 19403 total posts
Name:
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Re: Shouldnt I choose the form of discipline?
All I can say is God help the person who lays a hand on my child, regardless of if it hurt or not. 
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| Posted 11/23/06 11:24 PM |
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monkeybride
My Everything
Member since 5/05 20541 total posts
Name:
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Re: Shouldnt I choose the form of discipline?
I would flip out if anyone smacked my daughter anywhere. I don't care who it is. he is way out of line!!!!
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| Posted 11/23/06 11:27 PM |
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BabyAvocado
Happy New Year
Member since 5/05 17334 total posts
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Re: Shouldnt I choose the form of discipline?
Hitting is hitting. I don't care how softly or gently it is done - it is a way of saying hitting is okay. If that's not something you want to teach your child, everyone else should respect that.
I think you did the right thing by not flipping on your FIL right there on the spot. I don't think that would have been the right way to handle it. I would have just said "oh, we aren't teaching Ryan to hit" and left it at that. I think that is enough to get the message across. Just a few words but they say three big things:
1. YOU and your DH are the parents and you will decide what forms of discipline will be used on your child (that's the "we" part)
2. It implies that by doing what he did, your FIL not only crossed a line (HE is not part of the WE in that sentence), he is also teaching your son something that you don't want him learning.
3. It reinforces the fact that what your FIL did is hitting and that all that Ryan is learning from that at this age is the act of hitting. (i.e. by hitting Ryan he is not disciplining him, he is only teaching him - to hit)
This is a sore subject for me so forgive me for going on and on... I've gotten into it with my father with this one. This one could get ugly no matter how you choose to address it but it's one that you have to stand your ground on - whatever your feelings about hitting are - even if you haven't quite figured it out yet.
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| Posted 11/24/06 1:46 AM |
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Annemarie13
LIF Adolescent
Member since 5/05 628 total posts
Name:
Annemarie
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Re: Shouldnt I choose the form of discipline?
If my in-laws did that, I probably would have had a heart attack and strated to scream and yell. So I give you credit!
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| Posted 11/24/06 6:58 AM |
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05mommy09
Family of 5!
Member since 5/05 15364 total posts
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<3 Mommy <3
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Re: Shouldnt I choose the form of discipline?
I just dont know how to address it...
Since she is the email queen- Id love to write something short and sweet- just stating I know he'd never hurt Ryan- but thats not how WE do things therefore we dont want anyone else doing it that way either...
My MIL-or IL's in general are going to make this a full fledge out war
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| Posted 11/24/06 7:31 AM |
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MomofMandB
LIF Infant
Member since 7/06 323 total posts
Name:
Jen
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Re: Shouldnt I choose the form of discipline?
My mother always disciplined us by smacking us (not hard, mind you, but hard enough to "teach us a lesson.") My sister also believes in a "soft" smack on the tush for bad behavior. Her children are older than mine, and she is fine with my mom giving them a soft smack. Well, once when my son was about 3 he was fresh to my mother, and she smacked him. My mom is truly my best friend, so I had a VERY hard time speaking to her about this, but I explained that we don NOT hit Max for any reason. If she is frustrated by that, we will give her some suggestions for discipline. She was NOT pleased at first (of course, thinking she knows better), but has learned that he is OUR son, and WE make the decisions. She hasn't hit him again since, and now she has other strategies that work (more effectively).
I think you need to have DH talk to your FIL, since he is his son, and explain that neither of you believe in hitting in any way for any reason. Offer to give him alternatives that you think are acceptable, so he doesn't feel powerless when your DS misbehaves.
Good luck, this is a very difficult situation!
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| Posted 11/24/06 7:32 AM |
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Stefanie
♥
Member since 5/05 23599 total posts
Name:
Stefanie
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Re: Shouldnt I choose the form of discipline?
I wouldn't have kept my cool Marissa...after all this, you sure do have some patience.
I think he was definitely out of line for smacking RJ's hand.
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| Posted 11/24/06 10:44 AM |
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Maathy317
Grammie's Little Man
Member since 2/06 3235 total posts
Name:
D
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Re: Shouldnt I choose the form of discipline?
I am absolutely appalled that your FIL would put his hands on your child in that fashion. I don't care if it was hard or soft. I don't care if he didn't hurt him. He had no right to touch your child. If he didn't like what was happening, he should have talked to you about his displeasure. He had one h*ll of a nerve! My philosophy has always been, when the parents are there you back off. As a grandparent, I would never even think of disclipining my grandson in any fashion when his parents are present. They know what they are doing and don't need my input. I would, certainly, think twice about leaving my child alone with them. If this is how he reacts to a cup being thrown, I'd hate to think what he would do for something serious.
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| Posted 11/24/06 10:53 AM |
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05mommy09
Family of 5!
Member since 5/05 15364 total posts
Name:
<3 Mommy <3
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Re: Shouldnt I choose the form of discipline?
Posted by Maathy317
I am absolutely appalled that your FIL would put his hands on your child in that fashion. I don't care if it was hard or soft. I don't care if he didn't hurt him. He had no right to touch your child. If he didn't like what was happening, he should have talked to you about his displeasure. He had one h*ll of a nerve! My philosophy has always been, when the parents are there you back off. As a grandparent, I would never even think of disclipining my grandson in any fashion when his parents are present. They know what they are doing and don't need my input. I would, certainly, think twice about leaving my child alone with them. If this is how he reacts to a cup being thrown, I'd hate to think what he would do for something serious.
See thats my whole thing- I was sitting right there- my son was on my lap- if I thought or felt he needed to be disciplined (which Im sorry at this age- other than saying no- and removing the object- I dont think there should be any form of discipline) then I wouldve done so- Who the heck are you to take matters into your own hands???
I did write my MIL and email re: this incident- since trying to talk to her just consists of her yelling and making a war...
This is what I wrote: ( edited to hide names)
I was totally on the fence about bringing this up- but since its bothering me and Ryan and I discussed it, I thought maybe it would be best- to at least put my mind at ease...
Yesterday while RJ kept throwing his cup on the floor- FIL came over and tapped Ryan on the hand- I was in complete shock for, that is the last person Id ever think that would do that... It didnt hurt him- I think he kinda looked like "what the heck was that" but it still made me a little uncomfortable. I KNOW you guys would never ever hurt him (and again this was more of a "love tap") but noneless its not how DH and I have choosen to discipline our child... I feel it will only teach RJ that this is ok to do to other adults and or children, and its not...
When he is a little older we may change our view on this... but right now its not the route we want to take,,,
Please reassure me that you guys have never handled a situation like this before...
and Please dont get all huffy about this....Im not accusing, or making this a war- I was sitting right there- holding RJ when this happend- and couldnt believe my own eyes- but rather than "saying something in the situation" (the way your son assures me I should have) I thought I would just ask you to please refrain from this kind of discipline...
And please know- had it been anyone else- I prob. would have said something right then and there- but becasue I KNOW his attentions werent to "hit" him, and you guys would NEVER EVER do anything to hurt my child, I didnt...
(this is simply more because I just dont want to teach him the wrong thing, and since you take care of RJ we need to be on the same page.)
Thanks
Her reply in a bold lettering might I add was this:
I will let FIL read your e-mail.
And to 'reasure you', and 'put your mind at ease', the answer is No..we have never handled a situation like that before and I am sure the both of you know that we would never Hit, Scream, Hurt or Discipline our grandchild in a way that is unsafe or teaches him to do anything wrong. I'm glad you mentioned this.
Not exactly sure how im supposed to take this- is she callling me a liar? Is she denying this incident? The bold lettering and the quotes on my words..smells like sarcasam to me
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| Posted 11/24/06 11:07 AM |
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Stefanie
♥
Member since 5/05 23599 total posts
Name:
Stefanie
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Re: Shouldnt I choose the form of discipline?
I don't think she's calling you a liar...since you were holding your son and you saw your FIL do this. I don't know if I detect some sarcasm...in a way I do...with those quotes....but then she says, I'm glad you mentioned it.
I guess just wait until your FIL replies...
Message edited 11/24/2006 11:18:28 AM.
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| Posted 11/24/06 11:17 AM |
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05mommy09
Family of 5!
Member since 5/05 15364 total posts
Name:
<3 Mommy <3
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Re: Shouldnt I choose the form of discipline?
Posted by Stefanie
I don't know if I detect some sarcasm...in a way I do...with those quotes....but then she says, I'm glad you mentioned it.
I guess just wait until your FIL replies...
Exactly what you just said- is why Im so flipping confused...
Well- my FIL can be silent but deadly- so
a. He is gonna let it roll off his back
b. He is gonna tell me off
Im just confused... she states that they would never do something like this- but never comment on the fact that it was actually done-
What is she saying? That they would never do the above things- but what my FIL did is no big deal?
I just cant cope!
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| Posted 11/24/06 11:24 AM |
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Stefanie
♥
Member since 5/05 23599 total posts
Name:
Stefanie
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Re: Shouldnt I choose the form of discipline?
Whoa....he's going to tell you off?
He better not think he's going to tell you off.
I think from your MIL's letter, it sounds like she's saying she never disciplined RJ like that and that she is assuring you that they would never do that in the future.
So help me...if your FIL tells you off...I'm going down there....
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| Posted 11/24/06 11:35 AM |
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Maathy317
Grammie's Little Man
Member since 2/06 3235 total posts
Name:
D
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Re: x
Posted by Princessmaris
Posted by Stefanie
I don't know if I detect some sarcasm...in a way I do...with those quotes....but then she says, I'm glad you mentioned it.
I guess just wait until your FIL replies...
Exactly what you just said- is why Im so flipping confused...
Well- my FIL can be silent but deadly- so
a. He is gonna let it roll off his back
b. He is gonna tell me off
Im just confused... she states that they would never do something like this- but never comment on the fact that it was actually done-
What is she saying? That they would never do the above things- but what my FIL did is no big deal?
I just cant cope!
Judging from her answer, she took this as a personal affront. The bold print indicates anger and her quotes are, definitely, sarcasm. She's angry that you would bring up what she considers something minor, and, how dare you question how they treat their grandson. See, that is the problem. They think of RJ as THEIR grandson; not YOUR son. I think your e-mail was very kind and very respectful and if they get their undies in a bunch, so be it. They both need to know boundaries. What comes across as the biggest concern is the fact that she became so defensive. I would, definitely, give pause as to whether or not I would let my son be alone with them. If they would do this with you present and then scream that they never would treat him that way, it makes you think twice about their credibility and their ability to take care of him as you would wish.
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| Posted 11/24/06 2:31 PM |
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05mommy09
Family of 5!
Member since 5/05 15364 total posts
Name:
<3 Mommy <3
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Re: x
Posted by Maathy317
Posted by Princessmaris
Posted by Stefanie
I don't know if I detect some sarcasm...in a way I do...with those quotes....but then she says, I'm glad you mentioned it.
I guess just wait until your FIL replies...
Exactly what you just said- is why Im so flipping confused...
Well- my FIL can be silent but deadly- so
a. He is gonna let it roll off his back
b. He is gonna tell me off
Im just confused... she states that they would never do something like this- but never comment on the fact that it was actually done-
What is she saying? That they would never do the above things- but what my FIL did is no big deal?
I just cant cope!
Judging from her answer, she took this as a personal affront. The bold print indicates anger and her quotes are, definitely, sarcasm. She's angry that you would bring up what she considers something minor, and, how dare you question how they treat their grandson. See, that is the problem. They think of RJ as THEIR grandson; not YOUR son. I think your e-mail was very kind and very respectful and if they get their undies in a bunch, so be it. They both need to know boundaries. What comes across as the biggest concern is the fact that she became so defensive. I would, definitely, give pause as to whether or not I would let my son be alone with them. If they would do this with you present and then scream that they never would treat him that way, it makes you think twice about their credibility and their ability to take care of him as you would wish.
and the "Im glad you mentioned this?
WTH is that?
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| Posted 11/24/06 2:39 PM |
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Maathy317
Grammie's Little Man
Member since 2/06 3235 total posts
Name:
D
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Re: x
Posted by Princessmaris
Posted by Maathy317
Posted by Princessmaris
Posted by Stefanie
I don't know if I detect some sarcasm...in a way I do...with those quotes....but then she says, I'm glad you mentioned it.
I guess just wait until your FIL replies...
Exactly what you just said- is why Im so flipping confused...
Well- my FIL can be silent but deadly- so
a. He is gonna let it roll off his back
b. He is gonna tell me off
Im just confused... she states that they would never do something like this- but never comment on the fact that it was actually done-
What is she saying? That they would never do the above things- but what my FIL did is no big deal?
I just cant cope!
Judging from her answer, she took this as a personal affront. The bold print indicates anger and her quotes are, definitely, sarcasm. She's angry that you would bring up what she considers something minor, and, how dare you question how they treat their grandson. See, that is the problem. They think of RJ as THEIR grandson; not YOUR son. I think your e-mail was very kind and very respectful and if they get their undies in a bunch, so be it. They both need to know boundaries. What comes across as the biggest concern is the fact that she became so defensive. I would, definitely, give pause as to whether or not I would let my son be alone with them. If they would do this with you present and then scream that they never would treat him that way, it makes you think twice about their credibility and their ability to take care of him as you would wish.
and the "Im glad you mentioned this?
WTH is that?
I'm sure you had a reaction to what your FIL did and she noticed it. There was, probably, a look of shock or disgust on your face and you didn't realize it. She is trying to turn this around on you. She is a manipulator and will try to make you feel guilty for speaking up. This is YOUR son and you have made yourself quite clear how you felt about the situation. If they don't like it, too bad. They need to suck it up and respect you and your wishes.
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| Posted 11/24/06 5:09 PM |
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