Workplace harassment - Pls don't move

This will be hard to explain without specifics, but I will try. My husband works in a VERY specialized field. He is second in charge at his workplace. It's the kind of field where you can only get to the top if someone gets fired or retires and there are limited top positions on Long Island. His boss is a nasty, abusive man. The kind that puts up a professional front for most people but says the nastiest of things when no one is around. He's been dealing with him for many years.

Today, he said some terrible things to him that were about my kids. He's about ready to walk off the job. But, if he does, his boss will make it so he will never get another job in this industry again. It's that tight knit an industry. We can't afford for him to be unemployed, I have two high school age kids (one who will be starting college in August) and he holds the benefits. He feels trapped and I don't know how to guide him. What would be your advice if this was your dh?

Re: Workplace harassment - Pls don't move

This is definitely a tough situation. The first thing that came to my mind without knowing specifics is for your husband to maybe try counseling just to learn how to handle him. Also to learn how to cope and not let it affect him outside of work.

Whenever I have had to deal with awful people at work, I just remind myself that something must have brought them to this place, like problems in their childhood or their own misery/insecuritiies. It doesn’t excuse it but it helps to not take it personally when someone is being so horrible.

Re: Workplace harassment - Pls don't move

Does DH's boss have a boss that DH could go to?

NY is a "one party consent" state, so it's legal for DH to record conversations that he's involved in. If I was him, I would record some of the conversations, just so he has them in case it comes to a "he said, he said" issue, or the boss tries to blacklist him, etc.

Re: Workplace harassment - Pls don't move

That's really low to say things about your children.
I don't know if I would have been able to keep my mouth shut.

That being said, is it possible for your DH to speak with HR ? No one should have to put up with such verbal abuse. Of course it is going to be a he said - he said situation, unless others come forward with the same complaints.
And I'm not sure if it is ok to record someone without their knowledge, that would without a doubt prove what the nasty SOB is saying.

Re: Workplace harassment - Pls don't move

This is tough situation because my first reaction is go to HR but I am assuming your DH can’t do that. So then I thought about my DH, he isn’t in a very specialized field but he is a union electrician. There isn’t really an HR to go complain to. It’s like they fight and someone will get laid off if it isn’t resolved.

Unfortunately, can he try to bite his tongue and try to develop coping mechanism to deal with this guy. I know it’s so hard because I would want to punch this a-hole in the Face if he talked about my kids. Is there someone else he can raise this with? Or last scenario is talking to this guy calmly and asking him to refrain from discussing family at work? I mean that is a fair request.

Sorry for your DH, this is a lousy situation.

Workplace harassment - Pls don't move

I understand that there aren't a lot of jobs in his field, but can he start putting feelers out to see if someone might be hiring. Or is there maybe a related field he could look into where his knowledge would translate over?

Workplace harassment - Pls don't move

Thank you. There is no HR head really, there is just a payroll department and I don't think anyone there would be able to help him. There is a GM, which is hired by the Board. But honestly the GM has changed so much in the past few years that I think he may fear rocking the boat to keep his own job. My dh's boss has been there for 30+ years and the Board loves him (this is where his professional front comes in). I don't think anyone under him would be willing to come forward, though they all have witnessed it. It's a terrible situation and I've doing what Jaysee00 said and trying to tell him what a miserable life this guy must have had to do this to him. But I think he's at a breaking point.

Re: Workplace harassment - Pls don't move

Is there a reason he can't look for a new job while he's still employed? Get out of the toxic environment.

Re: Workplace harassment - Pls don't move

Re: Workplace harassment - Pls don't move

Re: Workplace harassment - Pls don't move

He needs time to cool off. I would tell him not to make any rash decisions. Ultimately that sucks that his boss is like that but if it will be super hard for him to get another job I think he just needs to let this stuff go, put his head down and do his job. My husband was in a similar situation for YEARs. 17 to be exact. His boss was a sociopath and was abusive beyond belief. I always told my husband that I would support him no matter what he decided, and I totally would have, but he usually just needed some time to cool off and then he was able to deal with it again. Eventually his boss decided to close the company (mainly because of my husbands urging) and my husband ended up at a start up working with people he loves, but he makes no money now! Hopefully he will make money in the future but that's always the risk that you take. At this point in your lives if he can just suck it up for a few more years, maybe his boss will retire.

Re: Workplace harassment - Pls don't move

Message edited 2/15/2018 12:05:29 PM.

Re: Workplace harassment - Pls don't move

Re: Workplace harassment - Pls don't move

I used to have a boss who was horrible to work for, I dreaded every single day I was there. I ended up leaving for somewhere else but switched industries altogether. I did take a big paycut though. Still it was worth it to me, to not have that stress and toxicity anymore.

I think he needs to start researching other positions outside of his industry if possible that is maybe a bit related to his skills, being that he won't be able to get a job within his own industry.

Re: Workplace harassment - Pls don't move

Workplace harassment - Pls don't move

Thank you all for the advice, it is much appreciated. As hard as change is, it can't be worse than what he is subjected to daily.

Re: Workplace harassment - Pls don't move

What would happen if he confronted this ass, somewhere along the line of "attacking my family is off limits". Is this prick so awful because he's insecure about his own job, sees your DH as a threat because he's next in line ?

Does your DH have a relationship with the Board, someone there he can speak with ?

Workplace harassment - Pls don't move

He doesn't deal with the board directly, though he is familiar with them and who they are. He has confronted him on occasion, but it never goes well and the boss usually either storms out or belittles him in front of the other employees and he backs down out of embarrassment. It really sucks.

Re: Workplace harassment - Pls don't move

https://www.eeoc.gov/
He should check this out.

Re: Workplace harassment - Pls don't move

Re: Workplace harassment - Pls don't move

As someone who works in legal field, my advice is for him to consult an employment law attorney. They would have information on what his alternatives may be.

Re: Workplace harassment - Pls don't move

Re: Workplace harassment - Pls don't move

Re: Workplace harassment - Pls don't move