Willful Child

How do you handle your willful child? DD is almost 4 1/2 and I'm having a really hard time. She has an attitude, doesn't listen, talks back. I feel like I'm already dealing with a teenager. Last night was awful. Her not listening, me yelling. We both ended up in tears. She told me I'm mean and all I do is yell at her and that she doesn't want to be by daughter any more. Then she told me that a girl's mom in her class is so cool and awesome and she doesn't know any moms like her. Sigh.

What can I do? I don't want to be the mean, constantly yelling mom. How can I get through to her? I'm afraid what our relationships will be like as she gets older if we can't handle things now. I should also mention that we're two peas in a pod, both stubborn, impatient, want our own way, hate being told what to do. Totally my child. I'd appreciate any feedback.

Willful Child

Where are you located? I know a really great behavior therapist that does seminars. Helped me a TON! FM for more info.

Willful Child

Same age and same problem. My dr recommended a behavior specialist. They teach the parent. I have a call out to several.

Re: Willful Child

I’m going to agree with the others and say find a good child therapist. They will work with the both of you.

Re: Willful Child

Right before my DS turned 4 he was the same way (wouldn't listen, talked back, couldn't reason with him, etc.) Just difficult overall. However, over the past 2 weeks I've noticed s.l.o.w.l.y he's starting to be a bit more well behaved.

Is she like this at school? Does her teacher mention anything? I remember reading on here 4 is the worse than the "terrible twos".

Be patient and hang in there mom! This too shall pass.

Re: Willful Child

my DS has been like that since, well, birth.

He's the kind of kid who will not do something just because you said so. he always needs a good reason or explanation for everything.

Whenever we argue, I try to get down to his level and explain to him why something needs to be done. i need to make him see whay HE thinks it's a good idea tyo do what i ask and then he's willing to listen.
there are times when we're both so angry, I send him to his room and go to my own, and wait until we cool off to discuss what happened.
sometimes i let DH handle it.
and as a last resort, i let him have his way to prove him wrong. next time he tries to do the same thing, i remind him of what happened and that usually gets him to change his mind.

Re: Willful Child

I'm pretty sure I posted about by 4 year old sometime last year as well. We went through a VERY difficult time...where we were seriously considering seeing a behavioral therapist. We didnt...but have seen a HUGE improvement over the past couple months now that he's almost 5.

I certainty wouldnt tell you to not see the therapist - that is something only you can decide, I can only tell you that in my experience, giving it time made a difference.

4 is the hardest age IMO - worse than 3.

Re: Willful Child

Ugh,mine is the same way. I try to not have the battle. For example, Fine, go to school in your pajamas and we will pack your toothbrush. It usually works and she’s be mortified to have her friends see her that way. You have to be willing to follow through on your threat though.

I also try to praise as much when she’s doing the right thing, and set her up to do those things. Like I know she loves shutting off the tv with the remote so I will ask her to do me a favor and turn off the tv and then make a big deal over how helpful she is. Basically getting her to associate compliance with feeling good.

Re: Willful Child

Thanks everyone for sharing your own experiences and tips! 4 is no joke. I got some good info here that I plan on using.

Re: Willful Child

Mine has beat to her own drum since the day she was born. The phrase "pick your battles" is what I go by. It's super frustrating at times, but I try not to make big deals about certain things, and give her control (or let her think I am) and choices as much as I can.

Re: Willful Child

I read your post and kind of thought that sounded typical and not something that you'd need a behavior therapist for.

Just be consistent. Give times outs or take away things that she wants (tablet, TV time, etc) when she misbehaves.

Willful Child

Ugh hang in there, I don’t have a 4 year old but I am a behavior analyst. The pick your battles in a sense is a good thing to use. Also, putting yourself in her shoes. It’s easier said than done, as I have my own kids and struggle, but remembering that she is 4 and you are mom is important, and it’s important to each of you to have your role and mom/ child. It’s important to show her you understand she’s frustrated or sad, but of coarse you want her to listens using a phrase like, “I can see you are really mad at me that you have to clean up, why don’t I help you then we can pick out a bedtime story to ready together.” Using phrases that validate your child and encourage them to problem solve while you are still in the drivers seat and giving the direction will help the power struggles! When punishment is warranted, be sure it’s delivered in a timely manner and fits the crime so to speak. For example, you won’t push her behavior at 5pm if the behavior happened at 9am, she will never understand why she is in time out. Reinforcement and consequences should always be immediate as possible. Feel free to message me if you would like any help!

Message edited 1/19/2018 9:22:45 AM.

Re: Willful Child

Willful Child

Behavior chart and follow through on positive behavior as well as consequences. Yelling doesn't help but consistency will.