What to do when you really don't agree

with DH on important baby things? I'm so upset about this, and we had a very bad night last night.

He does not want to find out the sex. I desperately want to find out so that I can prepare. I have very bad anxiety issues and I feel like finding out will help calm me a bit. I know it's not the biggest deal in the world but I've always wanted to know and vice versa. I thought once I got pregnant we'd be able to compromise, but now I know it will not happen. I even suggested me finding out and not telling him but he refuses.

The bigger issue is if we have a girl. He has always wanted to name a girl after MIL's mother because she died shortly after he was born. He has told me this since the beginning of us being together and I've never been a fan of the name (aka I HATE it), which I have expressed to him. It's something I would compromise on a middle name (grudgingly) which he has come to agree with me on. It also does not help that I have a bad relationship with MIL, and supposedly his grandmother was worse than his mother (according to FIL). In addition to that, this past February my favorite aunt passed away very suddenly at 48. We conceived the same month and I swear she had a hand in it. There is nothing more that I want then to honor my aunt if we have a little girl, using her name or a variation of it, as her middle name. This of course is causing a major issue because we both feel so strongly. Neither of us seems willing to compromise. He said I can name the first name after my aunt, but I think he is only saying that because I've already said I wouldn't want to step on my cousins' toes (her children) by doing that in case they wanted to name after her down the road.

We are at such an impasse and both so angry at each other. This is supposed to be such a happy time and we are both sad and angry. Does anyone have any advice? Thanks for listening, and please don't quote.

Re: What to do when you really don't agree

I think that since you are willing to give in and use his grandmothers name as a middle even though you hate it, he should give in and let you find out the sex so you can prepare. Plus why even bother fighting over a name now, what if it turns out to be a boy? I think thats another reason to find out, so that you guys have time to agree on something you both like rather than fighting about it in the hospital when the baby is laready here.

Is that something he will even consider, or is he not willing to compromise whatsoever?

Re: What to do when you really don't agree

Maybe you can come to the compromise that if you find out that it is a girl, he can name the middle name.

But if you are going to argue over a name, and have a boy, you could easily prevent any more problems by you finding out.

If that fails, just make sure that you are the one to name the baby at the hospital and sign the certificate first. jk...

Message edited 4/29/2008 12:31:53 PM.

Re: What to do when you really don't agree

This is a toughy



Maybe you guys can comprise?
How about a derivative of your aunt’s name for a first name, if you really want to give your cousins a chance to name a girl the same name? My stepmother’s family all have a Julia in their family. Every daughter has a daughter named Julia after they four sisters’ mother. It’s became a tradition practically. I’m named after my aunt as my middle name.

My daughter will have Rose as a middle name to be after my grandfather Rosario.

Just some suggestions. What is your aunt’s name?

As far as finding out the sex.. well I dunno. I have always wanted to know so I found out and my hubby was with me. I am not sure I understand why you can’t know if you don’t tell him. Maybe he just wants to experience it together with you, the surpise?

Re: What to do when you really don't agree

I understand your frustration. It's tough compromising when one party is so adamant about having his way.

I say here's what you may wanna do. Find out the baby's gender and keep it to yourself or share with someone you're close to.

It's your body, you don't have to go to every sonogram appointment with your DH.

As for the name thing, if he's going to be so stubborn, make sure you let the hospital know what name you want. Does your DH even need to agree or sign anything to approve the name?

I get upset hearing things like this 'cus my own DH hinted at naming a baby girl after his mom and I dont like the name at all. There's already 2 people with the same name in my family!

Re: What to do when you really don't agree

Somehow you have to find some way to comprimise - without being resentful of each other for your choices. With the name, since you already agreed to use his Grandmother's name as a middle name, I think it would be wrong to go back now, I do think it is OK to use your Aunts name or a variation of it as a first name, I really don't think that is stepping on your cousins toes unless they asked you not to already.

It is very tough, DH and I had a similar argument this weekend - he did not want to find out the sex, or even pick out names until we meet the baby! I was the opposite, I have already been looking through every baby name site/book I can find.

After alot of discussion we agreed to not find out the sex but to pick out names before the birth. Waiting on the sex will be tough, but it also gives you that exciting moment at birth when you get to find out.

Good Luck

Re: What to do when you really don't agree

Re: What to do when you really don't agree

Re: What to do when you really don't agree

Re: What to do when you really don't agree

oh katie i am so sorry to hear this...

i agree that you have to come to a compromise on the name, because the baby will have it for the rest of his or her life.

however, in terms of finding out what sex the baby is, i am a STRONG believer in what mommy says, goes. when he can carry a baby for 9 loooong months then he can choose whether or not to find out.

this would be non-negotiable for me if my DH disagreed. i really think your DH needs to bend on this one. he has NO idea what it's like to be anxious every second during pregnancy - and if finding out the sex will help alleviate some of that anxiety, so be it.

good luck sweetie - let me know if you need anything

Re: What to do when you really don't agree

Um...you are the one carrying this baby for nine months, with all of the morning sickness, stretch marks, ginourmis darkening nipples, squirts of pee coming out when you cough and sneeze, cankles, swollen flinstone feet, inability to sleep normally, strange food craving, and squeezing out something the size of a watermelon out of the hole the size of a lemon, etc. To me, what he wants, is a Moot point.

Re: What to do when you really don't agree

I'm not advocating that the OP be deceitful about registering the name BEFORE she tries to compromiise with the DH.

However, if the DH is very adamant and refuse to compromise at all, you have to think about other alternatives.

What's the hospital rule with regard to names? Do both parents need to sign papers stating they approve the baby's name?

I'm thinking since the baby already has the father's last name, the woman carrying the child for 9 months should get preferential treatment over naming the child.

Re: What to do when you really don't agree

I think there is a compromise here. For one, not all babies 'let" you find out their gender during your sono so be prepared that despite your desiree to know it might not happen anyway.
What if you both find out but do NOT tell any else that you know? It would be a secret just for you both. I mean, NO pink, NO blue in the house. You cannot register based on gender.
Maybe that would work?


I would NEVER sign a birth certificate that had a name on it that was not agreed to by me and my husband. That is really awful IMO.Personally, since you know that he has always wanted to name a child after his grandmother and he has agreed to change that to a middle name I think it is only right that you honor that agreement. it does not matter if she was a wonderful women or not.
What if you just take the first initial of your Aunt names and use that to choice the name?

Re: What to do when you really don't agree

Re: What to do when you really don't agree

This is hard because you both have strong feelings. As far as finding out the baby's sex, does one of you feel at all more strongly than the other? Personally, I have always always wanted know and couldn't imagine not finding out. People have very different opinions, but for me, it's a way of bonding even more with the life growing inside of me, being able to refer to him or her instead of "it" or "the baby" and just a true pleasure I've always looked forward to. The reason for waiting is often to be surprised. To me, I think there are so many wonders and surprises that will come at birth that the baby's sex won't be as big a deal or something separate to celebrate. And I'm looking for as many special things to celebrate and enjoy throughout the pregnancy as possible. Is there a way to make finding out early special enough for DH? Maybe the techinician could write it down for you on a piece of paper and instead of finding out in the doctor's office you could set up a special/romantic evening where you open the paper? Maybe keep it a secret between the two of you?

For the name, it seems like a very sensitive issue. My BF has had a name for his son picked out his whole life. The middle name is after his grandfather. The first name I am not crazy about. Not because it's a bad name, but because it's a very common name and I have always wanted to use unique names. But he has had this name in his mind for his whole life and I couldn't take it away from him. Is there a way to honor your aunt without taking away his name choice for the middle name? How would you feel about 2 middle names?

Good luck to you. This is supposed to be a wonderful time so please try to enjoy. It will all work out in the end!