What should I do? (long) UPDATED

I have this ex-friend - she was actually a bridesmaid in my wedding, and was just horrendous - didn't help at all, hardly showed up to anything, and just gave me SO much grief. I tried to offer her an out several times, but she would guilt me me by telling me I was an awful person for thinking she didn't want to be part of my wedding After the wedding I hardly ever heard from her, except 2-3 times when she would email me for a favor (I'm an attorney so she would ask me to handle some legal matters for her).

The last time she emailed me for help, I told her I couldn't help her because I was going through a rough time and to get back to me in a few weeks. So, she did - when she got back to me, I explained to her what was going on (I was going through a miscarriage). Her response, via email, was "I understand. I'm sorry about what happened. Hope you feel
better." And that was it - didn't hear from her again in months. I was REALLY hurt and put off by her response so I just ignored her the couple of times she emailed me in the last few months.

Now I hear she's asking about me, and where I've been. Then yesterday I get a package in the mail from her with some pictures from my wedding - in it a note - "Beth, I found these pictures on an old roll of film from your wedding - Liz".

So, what do I do? Respond? Say Thanks? Say, I haven't talked to you in ages because you really hurt me? Just drop it and keep ignoring her? Unfortunately the jewish guilt is creeping in and I feel bad for just ignoring her, but you think she would have figured it out and maybe made an apology by now??

Message edited 8/4/2005 5:08:28 PM.

Re: What should I do? (long)

this is tough. to me, it would kind of depend on what i was looking for in the friendship.

if you dont want to cut her out completely, you could just respond with an equally brief note, saying thank you for the pics and then move on.

if you want more, then a sit down is on order. you should explain your feelings and what not.

IMO, someone like that is just not worth it to me in the end to put that much work into.

good luck with whatever you do.

Re: What should I do? (long)

Honestly, it's been too long and she hasn't made an effort until now. I don't think it's worth your time or your energies especially now. good luck.

Re: What should I do? (long)

I think you have three options here:

1. accept that this is who she is and take the friendship as is....but not let her self centeredness affect you in anyway. Call her and thank her and go on from there knowing she will never be anything more to you.

2. talk to her about how you have been feeling and try to work through it.

3. Drop the friend and do not bother calling.

I always try talking to a friend first. And if i have done that more than once....and i am still bothered..I would end the friendship

Re: What should I do? (long)

Write a thank you note. Dear So-andSo, Thank you for the pictures from my wedding, it was nice of you to think of us.

Thats it. Or just ignore it.

Re: What should I do? (long)

Oy - well, I think the friendship is simply not salvagable - I'm too hurt. I guess now I'm just mad that she's playing the victim, like, whoa is me, why is Beth ignoring me. She always does that - plays the saintly act, and when you accuse her otherwise, you're a HORRIBLE person for even thinking that way about her. So, now I'm just seething that she was so heartless in the first place, and now, yet again, she's playing the guilt - game. It makes me want to totally unleash on her, but I don't want to sink to that level. But if I stay quiet, she'll keep telling our friends that she has NOOO idea why I won't talk to her, and why I'm being so mean to her

Re: What should I do? (long)

Posted by Bxgell2

Oy - well, I think the friendship is simply not salvagable - I'm too hurt. I guess now I'm just mad that she's playing the victim, like, whoa is me, why is Beth ignoring me. She always does that - plays the saintly act, and when you accuse her otherwise, you're a HORRIBLE person for even thinking that way about her. So, now I'm just seething that she was so heartless in the first place, and now, yet again, she's playing the guilt - game. It makes me want to totally unleash on her, but I don't want to sink to that level. But if I stay quiet, she'll keep telling our friends that she has NOOO idea why I won't talk to her, and why I'm being so mean to her

Re: What should I do? (long)

Posted by Bxgell2

Oy - well, I think the friendship is simply not salvagable - I'm too hurt. I guess now I'm just mad that she's playing the victim, like, whoa is me, why is Beth ignoring me. She always does that - plays the saintly act, and when you accuse her otherwise, you're a HORRIBLE person for even thinking that way about her. So, now I'm just seething that she was so heartless in the first place, and now, yet again, she's playing the guilt - game. It makes me want to totally unleash on her, but I don't want to sink to that level. But if I stay quiet, she'll keep telling our friends that she has NOOO idea why I won't talk to her, and why I'm being so mean to her

Re: What should I do? (long)

Yup, I think I'll take the high ground and ignore it, and if any of our friends come to me and ask why I'm being so mean to her, I'll explain myself...

Re: What should I do? (long)

I think I'm the minority here - I would tell her. You don't need to pick up the friendship again, but let her know what she did. Why you haven't been talking to her. It might help your guilt and then she can't say anything about you ignoring her...

Re: What should I do? (long)

Re: What should I do? (long)

I too would send a cordial thank you note and leave it at that. That way, you aren't really ignoring her. You have things you are working through right now and are doing so.

I had a friend that never put a lot of time into the friendship, but expected me to. I was always the one to call, email, etc. I also realized that while he leaned on me a lot, he wasn't there to offer the support to me in the same way. So I decided to stop all of my efforts and wait until he made the first move to contact me for a change. Needless to say that when I wasn't the one making all the effort, the friendship fizzled out. I only have enough time to stay in touch with the friends who make it easy and meet me halfway. I am too old for that kind of crap.

So if you don't want her talking about you, send the polite thank you and forget about it. And if she ever asks YOU why you haven't called her (which she probably won't...) you can say that the only time you hear from her is when she needs something.

Re: What should I do? (long)

Just send a thank you card for the pics. If she comes back at you with the whole ignoring her thing then tell her how you really feel.

Re: What should I do? (long) UPDATED

Well, ironically enough, I just received a very nasty email from her telling me that she heard through the grapevine that I've "written her off" because of what my bridesmaids told me, which is truly ridiculous, because I wrote her off not because of that, but because she was totally unsupportive during my miscarriage. So, she forced my hand - I unleashed on her, and to be honest, it felt quite good! No more Ms. Mayrtr!

Re: What should I do? (long) UPDATED

Good for you!!!

Re: What should I do? (long) UPDATED

Good for you!

Re: What should I do? (long) UPDATED

She may have disappeared for a little while because she just didn't know what to say to support you. Now, that doesn't mean it's OKAY for her do to this. But, I'd take one more chance, but explain to her what you were hurt by and why it hurt you.

When she has a better understanding of your friendship expectations, she may come around and turn out to be a better friend. If not, then don't give her anymore chances after that.

Re: What should I do? (long) UPDATED

I have/had a friend like that. When I was going thru losing my daughter, she called me in the hospital to tell me to turn on Days of our lives and look at Hope's Lipstick!!!!! When I told her the TV and lipstick was the furthest thing from my mind, she got insulted.

She played the victim well....She didnt show up to my shower and she was suppossed to be in the wedding...two months later she said on the way from getting my shower gift she was in a bad car accident. SHE was in an accident, but it wasnt on the day she lied and said she was.

I tried recently after the death of my uncle to reconcile with her...It lasted all of a few weeks, before I couldnt take it anymore.

Ir ealized that the friendship was taking too much of my time, and I wasnt getting anything or only occasionally getting something back.

It is very hard and I miss the friendship...But I really think you have only two options....accept this is how she is and try not to count on the friendship much , make it more of an "old friend" type of thing so you are not emotionally vested in it........Or write her off, and explain to her exactly how you feel and then say your hurt and why and that you would rather if you went your seperate ways till who knows when, as you just cannot handle it right now.

GOOD LUCK