What age for a funeral? UPDATED last post

My grandfather passed away. I'm trying to decide whether or not to take DS to the funeral. He just turned 6. He knows my grandfather had been sick, and visited him in the hospital a few times recently. He's questioned me about death, and some conversations have gone better than others. I think he understands, I just don't want to traumatize him if he doesn't get it as well as I think. I know there's no set age, and it's child - dependent, but I'm hoping for some advice that will bring me to a decision.

ETA: We are Jewish, so no wake, just the funeral.

Message edited 3/16/2015 12:41:58 PM.

Re: What age for a funeral?

I think for a grandfather I would take him to the wake early before other people arrive and then maybe have someone on hand to take him home as it might be too long for him. I am so sorry for your loss

Re: What age for a funeral?

First, I am very sorry for your loss.

To answer your question, I took my DD to a funeral with me when she was around 3.5 yrs old. I really didn't have a choice, I had nobody to look after her that day. She sat very quietly throughout the mass and behaved very nicely. She didn't ask any questions really, she was too young to really understand or even care what was going on around her. She went to a wake as well around the same age.

She's 6 now and I wouldn't think twice about bringing her with me to either a wake or a funeral. It's a part of life and she does have some concept of what it means to die and we've explained why we have wakes and funerals. She's just rolls with, she's never been freaked out or upset by any of it. That being said though, we do keep her in the back of the room at a wake where the body really isn't all that easy for her to see.

I think something like this really depends on the child. I don't by any means think it's wrong to have a young child attend a wake or funeral but only you as the parent knows how they will handle it. If you think he will be okay, then have him attend. If you think it will be a problem them maybe make other arrangements for him.

Re: What age for a funeral?

Thank you for your responses. He actually has been to 2 funerals before - DH's mother and grandmother. But he was under 1 and just 2 for those. He was exceptionally well-behaved, but of course had no idea what was going on. That's what's different about this time. There is no wake, just a funeral

Re: What age for a funeral?

I went to a wake and funeral at that age.

My mom told me it was like Big Nana was sleeping

I'm not recommending you say the same thing.

But I got the whole "death 101" talk from both my dad and my mom - my dad was much better about it. I understood as much as I could at that age. I still remember going - even to this day.

It didn't, even with how my mom handled it, negatively effect me in any way so I think you should bring him. And looking back I was glad I went - she was over 100 and was the matriarch on my father/grandfather's side. It was my grandaddy's mother, so my great grandmother? Right? Yeah. I mean, now when I look on the family tree I'm glad I remember that and her.

Anyway, I'm so very sorry for your loss.

What age for a funeral?

Yes I would have taken AJ if we had had a funeral for my father.

To us it's important we recognize the life and death of our loved ones. We had a memorial get together for him instead. As I am Agnostic I didn't want it in a religious place. Still it was sincere and about him. She was goofing off and running around but you know what? That's what Dad would have wanted. We laughed, we cried but he was in our hearts the entire time.

We cooked his favorites, talked his stories and she realized that the box in the front hall held the remains of her dear grandfather. She understood he wouldn't be there for her in a physical sense anymore.

Just last night, I said grandpa would have loved to come to her school and play guitar (they were asking parents and grandparents to volunteer) she said "but grandpa passed away and is in heaven now" something I chose not to discuss other than to say "yes, he's gone now but as long as we remember him he's always right here with us."

Unfortunately most of her elders have gone already. But we know the day will come my Aunt passes away (she's 74 and very close to AJ) and I know that will be the day she's truly faced with death and pain of loss. Not looking forward to it. At 6 she still thinks death just happens to everyone. We live, we love, we laugh, we teach, we die and we are remembered. Very American Indian if you think about it.

Very sorry for your loss.

Re: What age for a funeral?

Just funeral, I would.
I think the wake is worse.

Re: What age for a funeral?

So sorry for your loss!!!

I think he should go. It might help him to get clarification on some of the questions he has. It's also great for the grieving process.

Seems like he is comfortable enough to ask serious questions as it relates to death. That's a good thing. Just stay close and answer any questions he has.

Re: What age for a funeral?

So sorry for your loss, but if it were me I would try and find someone to watch him and not take him. I just think he is too young to attend, but that is just my opinion.

Re: What age for a funeral?

If it were me I would not bring my child.

Re: What age for a funeral?

I don't think he is too young at all to attend a funeral, and I'm sure your Grandfather would have liked to have his great grandson present.

Re: What age for a funeral?

I'm very sorry for your loss.

My son is 5 and has been to a few funerals. Any questions are answered honestly.

Re: What age for a funeral?

Re: What age for a funeral?

I have been meaning to respond to my post. We decided to take him to the funeral. I did not tell him the night before. I just told him I would be picking him up early from school the next day for an appointment. After DH and I picked him up, we explained that his great-grandfather had died and we were going to the funeral. He asked a few questions, which we answered as honestly as possible. He said he was sad. I let him know that maybe some people would be crying. He asked to see him again, which I said wasn't possible.

Right before the actual funeral began, they gave the immediate family the opportunity to pay their last respects with the open casket. DH and I decided to let DS come in. It was a risky decision, but we're glad we did it. Just earlier I had told DS I had a treat for him, but it was a surprise. (It was gummy candies, which he never has, but I figured he'd need something to keep his mouth busy during the service bc he can be chatty.) after he saw my grandfather that last time he asked if that was his treat

Overall, the experience was sad, but good for him. He did not come to the cemetery, but moreso because of the long ride and the weather.

Sorry for such a long response, but I've been meaning to update.

Re: What age for a funeral? UPDATED last post

Posted by Shelleebean

I have been meaning to respond to my post. We decided to take him to the funeral. I did not tell him the night before. I just told him I would be picking him up early from school the next day for an appointment. After DH and I picked him up, we explained that his great-grandfather had died and we were going to the funeral. He asked a few questions, which we answered as honestly as possible. He said he was sad. I let him know that maybe some people would be crying. He asked to see him again, which I said wasn't possible.

Right before the actual funeral began, they gave the immediate family the opportunity to pay their last respects with the open casket. DH and I decided to let DS come in. It was a risky decision, but we're glad we did it. Just earlier I had told DS I had a treat for him, but it was a surprise. (It was gummy candies, which he never has, but I figured he'd need something to keep his mouth busy during the service bc he can be chatty.) after he saw my grandfather that last time he asked if that was his treat

Overall, the experience was sad, but good for him. He did not come to the cemetery, but moreso because of the long ride and the weather.

Sorry for such a long response, but I've been meaning to update.

Re: What age for a funeral? UPDATED last post

Posted by Shelleebean

I have been meaning to respond to my post. We decided to take him to the funeral. I did not tell him the night before. I just told him I would be picking him up early from school the next day for an appointment. After DH and I picked him up, we explained that his great-grandfather had died and we were going to the funeral. He asked a few questions, which we answered as honestly as possible. He said he was sad. I let him know that maybe some people would be crying. He asked to see him again, which I said wasn't possible.

Right before the actual funeral began, they gave the immediate family the opportunity to pay their last respects with the open casket. DH and I decided to let DS come in. It was a risky decision, but we're glad we did it. Just earlier I had told DS I had a treat for him, but it was a surprise. (It was gummy candies, which he never has, but I figured he'd need something to keep his mouth busy during the service bc he can be chatty.) after he saw my grandfather that last time he asked if that was his treat

Overall, the experience was sad, but good for him. He did not come to the cemetery, but moreso because of the long ride and the weather.

Sorry for such a long response, but I've been meaning to update.