UPDATED! Something I observed at DS' daycare - do you think this was handled correctly?

UPDATE:

Just a quick update for everyone. I visited the other daycare location today and was really impressed with what I saw. I think DS will fit in much better there and the teacher for his room is fantastic. EXH and I agreed that we think it's best to switch him given the circumstances. I think next week will be his last week at his current daycare.

I'm really excited but also so scared for him. He's only 2 and I'm worried he's going to be scared that he doesnt know any of the kids and teachers. He has friends at his daycare now. I really think its better for him but I'm worried.




To preface: DS is 2 and generally well-behaved. He shares very well and plays well with other children. Lately, he;s been acting out at home. Yelling "no!" when I take something away or pushing and grabbing. Telling me "gimme that" a lot. I chalked it up to normal 2 year old behavior until today.

Last night he tells me "I got in trouble at school today". I asked him why and he said that one of the girls in his class hit him and that he got in trouble on his mat. I cant make much sense of this so I'm going to talk to the teacher to find out what happened.

Okay, now...in the mornings DS has trouble transitioning. He's clingy so we try to find him a toy at daycare to grab his attention while I leave. This morning he wanted these foam numbers in a puzzle. I get it for him, sit him down at the table and he starts to play. Within seconds 5 kids come over to the table and basically swarm him and start grabbing the puzzle from him. I watched as he said "no, I'm playing" and sort of tried to grab them back. I gently said "CJ, we share our toys with everyone" but I realized that the kids had taken every last number from him and he was left with nothing. He started to cry hysterically so I picked him up and tried to soothe him. The teachers basically ignored it until one finally said "what happened" and DS replied "I playing with the numbers. I want the numbers please". Instead of correcting the other children and explaining to them that we dont take toys away from someone, they just tried to re-direct my son and give him something else to play with...which didnt work at all and he continued to cry.

I spoke with my Ex H who picks him up every other week and he said that last week something similar happened.

I'm starting to feel like the reason DS is acting out at home is because at daycare he is not being listened to and other kids are sort of walking all over him and he feels like he needs to assert himself in order to get what he wants. This is probably also the reason he "got in trouble" at daycare yesterday. It really upset me this morning to see him crying knowing that the teachers werent doing anything to show the other children that their behavior was not okay. I feel like DS is getting the short end of the stick and now his behavior is changing because of it.

Do you think I should talk to the teachers and director or do you think it was handled correctly to begin with and I'm being overly sensitive??

Message edited 10/13/2011 2:18:18 PM.

Re: Something I observed at DS' daycare - do you think this was handled correctly?

i would definitely talk to the teacher first and then director if you don't get the feedback you want. the kids should not have taken all the toys from him. they should have asked if they can play with him. i would be upset too!

Message edited 10/11/2011 4:15:03 PM.

Re: Something I observed at DS' daycare - do you think this was handled correctly?

I would speak with both the teacher and the director. I'm sorry that happened to him. My youngest is 2 1/2 and has a hard time when I drop him off as well.

Re: Something I observed at DS' daycare - do you think this was handled correctly?

You should absolutely talk to the teachers and the director as you now know first hand that the reason your son is acting this way is because he is being treated a certain way. How heartbreaking It makes me so angry that the teacher was so indifferent to that type of behavior...Kids at that age need guidance and patience from teachers and need to be taught appropriately, not ignored. Hope everything works out!

Re: Something I observed at DS' daycare - do you think this was handled correctly?

Thank you both - I was so upset but then I thought maybe I was overreacting and being overly sensitive because it was my child. But it worries me that this happens all the time...it's just not fair to him. I've always taught him to share and to ask before taking a toy but I dont want him being taken advantage of because he's the "nice" boy in the class.

His main teacher leaves at 5 and I usually dotn get there to pick him up until 5:30 so I always miss her. I called and spoke to the director and asked if she and the main teacher could take a few minutes to talk to me today...I'll leave work a little early to get there before they leave.

Re: Something I observed at DS' daycare - do you think this was handled correctly?

I just saw this now, but, wanted to say, you are not overreacting at all.

I'm glad you're going to have a talk with them.

Re: Something I observed at DS' daycare - do you think this was handled correctly?

Please let us know what happens... My heart is breaking for your son... The scene you described is so sad... And I that happened at my dds daycare.. I would totally be talking to the teacher...

Re: Something I observed at DS' daycare - do you think this was handled correctly?

Posted by MST9106

You should absolutely talk to the teachers and the director as you now know first hand that the reason your son is acting this way is because he is being treated a certain way. How heartbreaking It makes me so angry that the teacher was so indifferent to that type of behavior...Kids at that age need guidance and patience from teachers and need to be taught appropriately, not ignored. Hope everything works out!

Re: Something I observed at DS' daycare - do you think this was handled correctly?

awww your poor little guy, if it were me I would definitley speak to the teachers and the director. And it sounds like you have it right, this probably goes on frequently and of course he is going to act out with the "mine" at home now.

Re: Something I observed at DS' daycare - do you think this was handled correctly?

That made me so sad! I don't think you overreacted at all...that would break my heart, too. YOU know your child best. Hope the talk with the teacher went well.

Re: UPDATED Something I observed at DS' daycare - do you think this was handled correctly?

Update:

I left work early yesterday to catch the director and his teachers before they left for the evening. The Director did agree that it was handled poorly however the teachers didnt seem too concerned as if it was normal 2 year old behavior and DS was just overreacting when he got upset. I'm still peeved but I think the Director made it clear to them that they need to work with the kids on sharing instead of redirecting the child that was wronged.

They confirmed that DS has never had a sharing problem and that he plays well with other kids. They did say that the past 2 weeks they too have noticed him acting out at daycare and not listening well. They dont believe it has anything to do with being picked on by other kids or needing to assert himself. They believe it's a combination of 1. the terrible two kicking in, 2. there was a recent change in head teacher in the classroom and they think the adjustment is causing him to act out, and 3. he is very advanced for his age and they think he may be getting bored in the classroom which is causing him to act out.

I'm not really sure I agree, but I asked them to please keep the lines of communication open and write on his daily gram if he has a particularly bad day or he is not listening so that we can work on it at home.

Last thing though....this morning on the way in to daycare DS told me "Miss R. told me I'm a bad boy". Miss R. is not a teacher, she's the woman that prepares the food at daycare, but I know she comes in and plays with the kids on occassion. I asked the director and teachers yesterday if DS has gotten in trouble at all recently and they all said no. I dont like the term "bad boy". I'm really worried that I'm not getting the truth out of the staff...I just dont think DS would be making something like that up. I've NEVER used that term before, so he had to have gotten it from daycare. It just killed me because he looked like he was going to cry when he told me. I just said "no honey, you're not a bad boy. you're a good boy. You just need to listen to your teachers, but you're not a bad boy" ugh...I REALLY hope they are not saying that to him...especially when they're telling me to my face that they love him.

FTR - he's at a chain daycare. The one he goes to is right across from my office and right around the corner from my house, but there is another one (same chain) in the town over from us. It's only a 10 minute difference in travel. Everyone I know raves about the other facility and has said they like it much better than the one DS goes to. I'm almost wondering if I should switch him. The only thing stopping me is that we will be moving houses in2 weeks and I'm worried that the transition to a new house at the same time as trnasitioning to a new daycare will be too much for him. I dont know if I should uproot him from everything he knows. It took him SO long to get adjusted to this place.

Thoughts?

Re: UPDATED Something I observed at DS' daycare - do you think this was handled correctly?

Posted by HomeIsWithU
Last thing though....this morning on the way in to daycare DS told me "Miss R. told me I'm a bad boy". Miss R. is not a teacher, she's the woman that prepares the food at daycare, but I know she comes in and plays with the kids on occassion. I asked the director and teachers yesterday if DS has gotten in trouble at all recently and they all said no. I dont like the term "bad boy". I'm really worried that I'm not getting the truth out of the staff...I just dont think DS would be making something like that up. I've NEVER used that term before, so he had to have gotten it from daycare. It just killed me because he looked like he was going to cry when he told me. I just said "no honey, you're not a bad boy. you're a good boy. You just need to listen to your teachers, but you're not a bad boy" ugh...I REALLY hope they are not saying that to him...especially when they're telling me to my face that they love him.

Re: UPDATED Something I observed at DS' daycare - do you think this was handled correctly?

Posted by ItsaJoya19

Posted by HomeIsWithU

Update:

however the teachers didnt seem too concerned as if it was normal 2 year old behavior and DS was just overreacting when he got upset.

They dont believe it has anything to do with being picked on by other kids or needing to assert himself. They believe it's a combination of 1. the terrible two kicking in, 2. there was a recent change in head teacher in the classroom and they think the adjustment is causing him to act out, and 3. he is very advanced for his age and they think he may be getting bored in the classroom which is causing him to act out.

These parts bother me...

It sounds like the teachers are trying to save face and are making excuses. I'd be pisssed too. How do they know that it doesn't have anything to do with being picked on????? Those kids are clearly bullying your son. How is it ok for a group of kids to come up to your son and take all the toys he was playing with away from him? That's not sharing, that's stealing.

1. Blaming his behavior on the "terrible twos" is just ridiculous. YES two year olds can be difficult, but so can 1, 3, 4, 5, 15, and 33 year olds. Your son is obviously DEFENDING himself because his teachers aren't doing anything to protect him from Sally or little Timmy from stealing what he's playing with.

2. New head teacher....have you talked to your DS about how he feels about the change? Maybe it's a valid point, maybe just more excuses?

3. Your son may very well be advanced for his age. What are they doing about it though? Do they offer him any activities that will keep his attention? Sounds like another excuse.

Posted by HomeIsWithU
Last thing though....this morning on the way in to daycare DS told me "Miss R. told me I'm a bad boy". Miss R. is not a teacher, she's the woman that prepares the food at daycare, but I know she comes in and plays with the kids on occassion. I asked the director and teachers yesterday if DS has gotten in trouble at all recently and they all said no. I dont like the term "bad boy". I'm really worried that I'm not getting the truth out of the staff...I just dont think DS would be making something like that up. I've NEVER used that term before, so he had to have gotten it from daycare. It just killed me because he looked like he was going to cry when he told me. I just said "no honey, you're not a bad boy. you're a good boy. You just need to listen to your teachers, but you're not a bad boy" ugh...I REALLY hope they are not saying that to him...especially when they're telling me to my face that they love him.

THIS would have me FUMING mad. I'd make a call to the Director and address this. Then I'd absolutely try everything I could to transfer. I'm sorry you're dealing with this and even worse, that your son has to deal with this.

Re: UPDATED Something I observed at DS' daycare - do you think this was handled correctly?

I agree with pp.

Is there a possibility of moving him up to the next class in the current daycare if he's too advanced for the class he is in?

I would definitey discuss the "bad boy" comment. At our daycare, they are told something is "not nice" if someone does something they shouldn't have - not that they are a bad boy or girl.

They also seem to focus on taking turns with things. The past week, I've noticed this because sometimes when I'm using something (like our ipad) DS comes over to me and says "turn?"

DS is almost 2 so I wouldn't blame it on the age (he does have his terrible two moments but, he is still being taught to share and take turns and be nice to his friends).

ETA - I started posting before you replied. I would try the next place - he is in the middle of transition right now with the new teacher and it seems things aren't going well. Kids are pretty resilient.

Message edited 10/12/2011 11:36:07 AM.

Re: UPDATED Something I observed at DS' daycare - do you think this was handled correctly?

Re: UPDATED Something I observed at DS' daycare - do you think this was handled correctly?

You are not being overly sensitive. I would go crazy if this happened often. I know kid can be kids and stuff but this is a big no-no in my book. In our school (even at 2) they are encouraged to play by themselves without interruption. If another child wants that toy or game they must ASK and only if that other child ALLOWS it can they play with them. But they can’t take it away. Otherwise they go to thinking time.

This is why I put AJ in this school. She was always a loner, playing on her own. But she’s a good kid who shares and plays with others. She’ll GIVE AWAY her toys because she thinks its fun to do. When she’s with my cousin and other kids are there they try to take toys from her and instead she gives them up and finds others to give them. Which takes the fun out of it to be sure.

At her school the teachers definitely step in if they are taking toys from her. They do swarm AJ when she walks in. Generally to say hi or give her a hug. While she was transitioning (going crazy crying) we gave her a pill bug (rollie pollie) and the kids would swarm her to see it, touch it, etc. The teachers were good about making them give her space as she walked it outdoors. Its one of the things I love about this school.

What you described would never be allowed (even in the before and after care hours) and yeah, I’d have gone straight to the teachers and directors. I have been late to work to make a point. Thankfully my bosses and my company are very good with that kind of thing. This does need to be addressed. Frankly to me, it falls very close to bullying at a young age.

Its possible tho, I may be over reacting since I do use Montessori so its sometimes a bit different. Still I feel so bad for your son.

ETA: read your update. Seems like the director may be trying to resolve it. Personally, I’d switch him. Transition is transition. They are resilient and will follow our lead. I moved AJ into a new school and home at the same time. Figured it was actually EASIER to do it all at once then to prolong the changes. But that’s me.

As far as the 2yr old being advanced. Yeah, that happened to us. AJ spent a lot of time in thinking time at the end of her last year. She was acting out, running around, not listening and being a clown. She was bored. I couldn’t WAIT to move her out and up! She’s been better since she got in the 3-5yr group. But being a toddler hasn’t changed. She’s still a little rowdy. Ironically, this topic came up (for a different reason) and I was told the discipline for 2yr olds is widely different than 3yr olds. So they couldn’t do as much last year as they can this year.
whatever.

Good Luck!

Message edited 10/12/2011 11:56:09 AM.

Re: UPDATED Something I observed at DS' daycare - do you think this was handled correctly?

Sending you FM

Re: UPDATED Something I observed at DS' daycare - do you think this was handled correctly?

Re: UPDATED Something I observed at DS' daycare - do you think this was handled correctly?

Thanks to everyone for all the replies and FMs It's really helped me feel like my concerns are justified and I'm not blowing this out of proportion.

I scheduled an appointment with the other location for a tour tomorrow and to meet the Director and Lead Teacher for his age group. Even if we dont choose to switch DS, this will give us an idea of the differences in the two facilities and how they both run.

ExH and I are both leaning towards switching him at this point. We're concerned that there is just not enough stability and the teachers are not handling things efficiently. Most importantly, I'm concerned that my DS' voice isn't being heard and things that we believe are big issues are being brushed aside as normal 2 year old behavior. I dont feel I have peace of mind when he is in school.

I'll keep you all updated after I tour the other location tomorrow and when we make a decision.

Thank again

Re: UPDATED! Something I observed at DS' daycare - do you think this was handled correctly?

updated at top.