This really bothered me.... Long!

Dont quote - I may erase....

We went to a high school graduation party for our close friend's son - they have 2 younger kids as well.... We went with the whole family - me, DH, baby, and 2 stepdaughters- ages 10 and 16. The younger one is friends with their daughter, so they were together all day.

The party began in the afternoon and was tame - typical graduation party, backyard thing, dodging the rain, eating, talking, etc. There was wine and a keg, but not much drinking because kids were swimming, playing volleyball, etc... It was nice...

then, in the early evening, more kids started arriving, and then the beer pong began... some of the kids parents were there with them - drinking along with them. Granted, most of the parents were parents of kids in their 20's, but still - all the others were 17 and 18 yrs old.... Then most of the parents left...

Things were still somewhat under control, but the drinking continued and got louder and rowdier and rowdier... I was inside with Cailen for a while so wasnt really focusing on what was happening

But when I went out, there were just underage kids drinking everywhere...and, the hosts - our friends, the parents were drunk too!!!! I was getting very concerned, and kept asking if the kids would be driving. They told me no, they were watching them, but they werent at all!
Kids were driving off without being checked....

But heres the thing - my 16 yr old stepdaughter is amazing. She is very mature, together, and really anti-drinking. One of the girls there - a
20 something asked DH if she could play beer pong - he was like- uh - NO... So she kept asking me, saying - come on - your the cool stepmom - what do you say? Come on!!! All friggin night. My stepdaughter isn't interested in drinking and felt awkward... then, the mom - a 40-something - starts telling my stepdaughter to have a drink, that it was ok, and blocking me as a joke so I wouldnt see... My stepdaughter was looking to me for help, but she and the 20-something yr old girl saw it as her being afraid of what I would say, so they kept saying - "Dont worry - you can do it when she isnt looking!!!"

I then said, "You know, we were concerned about her being subjected to peer pressure, but its sad that she has to fight against adult pressure!" My stepdaughter laughed, relieved that I called them on it... she stayed with me all night, and with the 20-something and her boyfriend (who seemed much more together than anyone else at the party!!) but still the 20-something girl kept saying that I was such a mom all of a sudden, and I'm so strict and mean...

This was happening all night. In front of the 10 yr olds - watching kids and adults getting drunk and stupid, peeing on the lawn, smoking pot, etc... and theres my friend staggering around when she should be a parent!!!!!

Then, of course, she asks my stepdaughters to sleep over (they have in the past on calm nights, when it was just the family) - DH says no, I say no... of course the 10 yr old asks a hundred times, and our friend keeps asking why our 16 yr old can't stay - meantime - and I'm NOT kidding - someone is setting fire to their lawn!!!! I said as a joke, "Sure Meg - you can sleep over - just steer clear of that fire over there!" and our friend keeps asking and asking... our 16 yr old at that point is begging DH to stay... I whisper to her that it would not be a good idea, that there is no responsible person at the party right now. When I said that, she agreed. But our friend kept harping on it... I finally snapped and said, "Look - when the adults at the party are staggering drunk, I dont feel that its a safe place for them!" at this point, the 10 yr old was getting afraid of the kids and wouldnt leave the house....

Our friend got defensive and then seemed to feel bad. I was so fed up at that point I didnt care....The whole place was a wreck, and to tell you the truth, we all were getting a bit frightened. As we were leaving, one of the kids almost got hit by a car....

when we got home, I talked to my stepdaughter. I told her that it must have been hard dealing with adults pressuring her to drink, and she made erally good decisons that night, and we were proud of her and trust her to do the right thing. She agreed that things were getting out of hand and she felt uncomfortable, and she really thinks that people are stupid when they drink and get stoned (she knows that I was quite the partier in my day!) - she really got to see it first hand before she goes into her senior year and then to college....

But really, I'm so upset, confused, and bothered by this whole experience. It wasnt the fact that high schoolers were being high schoolers - thats a given. Its the fact that adults werent being adults, and thats dangerous!

Message edited 6/10/2007 2:56:47 AM.

Re: This really bothered me.... Long!

It would bother me too to realize that my friend wasn't as responsible as I would hope.

Consider it a gift to you, a lesson learned. I know I would have felt comforted hearing that there was a graduation party with the parents home too. Seeing firsthand that not only does it not make an iota of a difference, but that they can actually make it worse would be an eye opener.

I your stepdaugther for handling the situation well but do it with the possibility that she still could make a decision to drink, etc at any time. We all know the parents who were fooled by thinking "My kid would never...."

Re: This really bothered me.... Long!

I you and your stepdaughter for holding your ground. It seems like she has the utmost respect for you and looks up to you.

As far as the other adults go, for some reason, I'm just not that surprised. It seems to be the "norm" around here more and more.

Re: This really bothered me.... Long!

First off, I think it is very impressive that you have such a great relationship with your stepdaughter, and she should be applauded for her confidence and ability to make good choices at such a confusing time.

Unfortunately there are too many parents out there who are more interested in being "cool" and friends with their kids instead of being parents. It happens all the time. I remember my mom always talking to me about that....parents who want to be friends instead of parents, and by my parents setting parameters for me and being strict when they needed to, it taught me a great deal about respect and the way I want to parent.

Good for you for standing your ground, and for being there for your stepdaughter!

Re: This really bothered me.... Long!

I would be completely upset about this as well.

It really is sad that the so called adults who threw the party saw no reason to have an issue with underage kids drinking at their party. Do they realize what could have happened to them if someone had called the police? Or if God forbid someone had gotten into an accident and gotten seriously hurt or worse?

Good for you, your DH and your stepdaughter for standing up for yourselves and not giving in to the pressure from either the adults or kids.

Hopefully your friend who threw the party will see where they are wrong but for some reason, I doubt it. To be honest, something like this would make me reevaluate how involved in my childs life I would want these people to be and I would NOT let my child stay at their house again. JMHO.

Re: This really bothered me.... Long!

I would be very upset also. And honestly I probably would have left much earlier than you did.

But I applaud your step daughter for standing her ground and resisting the temptations. I applaud you for standing up to them.

I guess it was an eye-opening experience about how people can be.

You friends should be careful because I understand that new laws are in the works about adults that serve underage kids being severly punished.

Re: This really bothered me.... Long!

The 40 year old mom sounds like an azzhole. The individuals who owned the house are just asking for a lawsuit or the cops to come arrest them.

You and your DH are great parents! Don't ever let anyone tell you different. Your stepchildren have a lot of respect for you and your word is law....except when it came to a sleepover. Gee mom,, you won't let them stayover with drunk adults whose lawn was on fire!

Re: This really bothered me.... Long!

Posted by jes81276

First off, I think it is very impressive that you have such a great relationship with your stepdaughter, and she should be applauded for her confidence and ability to make good choices at such a confusing time.

Unfortunately there are too many parents out there who are more interested in being "cool" and friends with their kids instead of being parents. It happens all the time. I remember my mom always talking to me about that....parents who want to be friends instead of parents, and by my parents setting parameters for me and being strict when they needed to, it taught me a great deal about respect and the way I want to parent.

Good for you for standing your ground, and for being there for your stepdaughter!

Re: This really bothered me.... Long!

for your stepdaughter... she seems like an amazing girl!! She could be a good influence on MY stepdaughter.. (they live in the same town!!)

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The funny thing is, is that DH and her are such good friends (I guess I am too!) - his philosophy is that if you are friends with your kids, they will value the relationship and not want to rebel against it. The only difference is that he is not the "cool" friend
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You hit the nail on the head with the "not cool friend" phrase...of course it is important to do things with your children and share some common interests, but you obviously set parameters, and many parents do not. That is what I meant by being friends instead of parents. Again, kudos to you and your step daughter.

Re: This really bothered me.... Long!

To your stepdaughter! That mom really does not know how to act!

Message edited 6/10/2007 9:05:53 AM.

Re: This really bothered me.... Long!

Good for you and your stepdaughter! Those adults should be ashamed of themselves!!!!

Teens are going to drink. But the parents should not condone it! God forbid something happened to one of those kids...any of those kids...it would be on their head. And they weren't even coherent enough GF anything happened.

Re: This really bothered me.... Long!

Wow Liza, seems like your step-daughter has a great head on her shoulder and was taught well...that must give you and your husband a great peace of mind. As far as your friends go, if it was me, I would definitely be a lot more cautious when knowing that the girls will be around their kids...they might seem like cool people, but under the influence they seem questionable...I would also talk to them when a good opportunity comes up and they're sober, not to ever ever pressure your kids to have a drink or better yet, have alcohol around minors.

Re: This really bothered me.... Long!

omg that is really messed up! I cannot believe adults allowed under age drinking. if anything happened to those kids or to someone else b/c they were drunk, your friends could have been arrested and lost everything they own!

STUPID STUPID STUPID!

as for your step-daughter. GOOD FOR HER!

Re: This really bothered me.... Long!

Thanks ladies!



My stepdaughter really seemed to appreciate me telling her how proud I was - again, DH is a great dad, but he doesnt always think of these things - I think he takes it for granted because she's always been a good girl, but its different when you are 16 - being a good girl when your 16 is so hard because people will always want to corrupt that... And she is good not because her parents tell her to be, but because she has so much self-respect and confidence and maturity that she doesnt have the desire to engage in these things (yet - I hope that continues!)

When I told her that, she opened up to me - I think it bothered her more than she let on. She kept saying how stupid they were acting, and how she doesnt like to be a part of that. The thing is - she is a very popular and attractive girl, and her confidence draws people to her - I have never seen a girl so poised - she was like that even at 11.... so its not like she's a geek or a wallflower, so the fact that she can go to a party, and have fun and chat with everyone and not have the desire to drink is amazing - in all honesty - if it were me at this party - even if my parents were there, I would have definitely been trashed and skinny dipping in the pool with some cute boy!!!

Re: This really bothered me.... Long!

To you and your step daughter for being strong and sticking to your guns.

Re: This really bothered me.... Long!

Seeing the "adults" act like that would have bothered me too. So many people let their kids go to parties when the "parents" will be home and thinking that the parents are somewhat responsible.

to you and your step daughter for holding your ground. Those "parents" should be ashamed of themselves. And you just know that when something happens to one of their kids or at one of their parties that they will try to act all innocent

Re: This really bothered me.... Long!

Not only were your friend irresponsible and putting children in danger, risking a huge lawsuit, they were also at risk of losing their own children. As a mandated reporter, I would have left that party when it started getting out of hand since I would be liable as well if something were to happen to anyone. These were children- anyone under 18 is- and the 10 year olds could have ingested anything and no one would have known. Just the thought that anything could happen, really frightens me.

This is so irresponsible of your friend and frankly, I would be worried about letting my 10 year spend any nights their without you in the future. Maybe I am over-reacting but they sound as if they really aren't concerned about their own child's welfare.

You are a wonderful step-mom and cudos for such open and caring conversations with your step-daughter. You are going to be such a great mom when your son is a teenager.

Message edited 6/10/2007 12:51:58 PM.

Re: This really bothered me.... Long!

Re: This really bothered me.... Long!

That situation is appalling. I think you handled it very well.

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Kudos to your stepdaughter.
Somebody's raising that girl right!!