One and done moms

How did you know ? I am about 90 percent sure I do not want any more kids. However there is a small part of me that feels guilty not giving my DS a sibling . My DH is pretty laid back and is happy with DS but would go for another if I wanted to . I just hate the constant questioning/pressure from family and friends that we "have" to have another ? How do you moms deal with this ? Any advice would be greatly appreciated

Re: One and done moms

Many of my friends who are one and done either have siblings with kids close in age, or are very outgoing and have a lot of friends who they schedule play dates with all of the time.

One and done moms

I was pretty certain before my dd was born I was only going to have one child. Now I am certain- I just knew--I do not feel any guilt that dd will not have a sibling- my Dh has four siblings and He is not close with any of them-they all live in different states and barely see each other or talk.
When people ask when I am having another child I am very direct and tell them I have no plans to ever have another child. I am nearly 39 and I was very lucky to conceive my daughter naturally after being diagnosed with premature ovarian failure. When people get in their soap box and start preaching I tell them this and it usually shuts them right up.

One and done moms

Well I'm obviously not one and done considering I'm 34 weeks pregnant with number 2. But....it's nobody's business. I would shoot them right down anytime they would make a comment. And not for nothing, just bc you have a sibling does not mean you will be close. In fact we are estranged from dhs sister. It actually causes more sadness and stress. I haven't seen her in 2 years since the hospital when dd was born and she hasn't seen my dd since then either...and she's 23 months!

Only you know what is right for your family. Are these invasive people going to be raising them? Coming over for sleepless nights? Paying formula? College? Noooooooo

Re: One and done moms

One and done moms

We are one and done. Both DH and I just feel like our family is complete. It was a simple decision for us. There are times when I get a feeling that I may want another but its fleeting. My DD has 2 girl cousins (one older and one younger) that she is close with and I hope it stays that way as they get older. Whenever people ask if we're having another, I just answer them honestly that we're happy with our little family and feel complete. So far no one has pushed it by asking further questions.

One and done moms

We are about 90% sure. We are going to wait for another 3 years before Dh gets neutered to determine if we are 100% I get a twinge every once in awhile that last for 5 minutes. Dd is very independent and we are happy with our family. Emotionally and financially one suits us well. We both have siblings, me step Dh biological that neither of us are close to.

One and done moms

We were most likely going to be one and done. It took 2.5 years to have DD and financially it would be hard to have another. Well one oops later, we're having #2 sometime within the next 14 weeks. But after that, DH is getting snipped and we will absolutely be done.

I get asked now, while pregnant, if we'll have more after this and I tell them emphatically that after DD2 is born, the shop is closed.

One and done moms

No matter how many kids you have people will always ask if you are done. I have a 4 yr old, a 2 yr old, and 2.5 month old twins, and people ask me if there will be a # 5. No one has a right to give their opinion on what is best for YOUR family. I hate when people do that. Nobody needs a sibling, my BFF is an only child and she is a very happy, normal, well adjusted adult who does not feel that she missed out on anything. Things get more chaotic with every subsequent child- I would never have another one just to give my first born a sibling. It is about what you & DH want, your DS isn't raising the new baby.

Re: One and done moms

I just have to say that I HATE when people think it's okay to make comments on other people's reproductive choices. WHAT?! I have friends who don't want kids. Who cares? I have one who just gave birth to her 5th. Fine. There are others who are one and done. Why do people think it's any of their business to comment and make judgements?? I remember when I was TTC #1, we were having difficulties. DH's cousin said loudly at a family 4th of july party "When are you going to have kids already?!" What? We'd been married barely a full year and how dare he assume we even wanted kids (or that we COULD). I had been dealing with miscarriages at the time and that comment just killed me. Fastforward to last year, we moved into a new house while I was going through yet another string of miscarriages as we tried for #2. Our new nextdoor neighbor yelled across the street "When are you having another baby?" (DD was 3). I just said "Soon, I hope" but thought it was soooo rude. What if I didn't WANT another child. Meanwhile, I was going through severe depression over the losses I was experiencing and I did not need that added pressure from some random person.

Anyhow, just had to vent about that. I think you do what you feel is right and don't let ANYBODY make you feel guilty for it!!! Having 4 or 5 siblings may be right for some families, but being an only child is perfect for others! It's NOBODY'S business but your own.

Re: One and done moms

We were one and done 99% sure (DH wanted 3 I wanted 0 we compromised on 1 before we even got married ).... Ds was born in summer 2012 and at some point we decided hmmm we could see what happens but gave ourselves a deadline I have to deliver by the time I'm 35 (day before 36 counts )... Completely arbitrary but worked for us... Dd will be here 5 months after I'm 35... Just under the wire ...at first I was like crap we did it but as time goes on (24 weeks now) I'm like hmm good move
But it's completely up to you and your DH... I was firm none now I'll have two .. So might not be best to give advice lol... I'm very close to my two siblings ... DH close to 1 of 4 other 3 eh not close but not alienated ... I think it works for us now but if you asked a year ago I'd said you crazy lol

I am getting my tubes tied during delivery with this one so two and done is firm ! (DH will get a vasectomy down the road too )

Two kids two cats and a giant dog enough for us...

Re: One and done moms

Whenever people ask when we're going to have more (which thankfully is pretty rare), I just say 'nope, no more. She is waaaaay more than enough for us'.
My DD happens to have 2 step sisters, buy even if she didn't, I wouldn't feel guilt for not giving her a sibling. My thought always was that she'll have her friends or her spouse to support her when we get old/sick whatever.

Re: One and done moms

I have 2, but it never ends regardless. I have 2 girls and i heard go.for.the boy about 30 times. So frustrating. I don't respond anymore not worth it. People always have something to.say, do what works for.you and your family.

Re: One and done moms

Message edited 7/20/2015 7:32:58 AM.

One and done moms

I find it very rude when people ever ask about having a child or having another child. And I know part of it is just a naiveness about having a child and how hard that can be for some couples. I was naïve about it and now know to never ask that question unless its a close friend and its in a serious way. Not just a ball breaking nosy way.

And like the pp said someone ALWAYS has something to say. Someone ALWAYS knows their way is right. And it always the people who know nothing LOL

I say you do what is best for YOU and not for the people asking or commenting around you, even a parent or family member. Its YOU that has to care for a newborn NOT them. Its you that has to financially, emotionally and physically care for that child NOT them. So its VERY easy to say. AND people have preconceived notions of what they think a family looks like or what a couple HAVE to do. You HAVE to have children. You HAVE to have more than 1.
The truth is you DONT HAVE to do anything. You do what is best for you and your family. If your happy with your dc and do not want another one, then just be happy. IF that ever changes and you feel you want to move forward with it, then go for it. IF that never changes then DONT do anything. ENJOY YOUR CHILD.
I am on the fence. Part of me has felt like you but like others say a sibling does not guarantee anything. We had a hard time having dd and I don't know if I have in me to go through that again AND to go through that being on the fence about it. And doing it for my DH and my DD, but its not something I really want. I don't know that those are the right reasons. Especially when it will all fall on me.

I have 2 brothers. I am close to 1. I never see the other 1 beyond holidays or birthday parties and I am not even sure why. My 2 brothers do not talk to each other at all currently and when they are speaking the brother I barely see/talk to does the same to my brother. He alienates himself. We don't get it.
So a sibling does not mean anything. =/ Sadly.

When people ask me I say my dd is just fine and so are we. Were a very happy family. Thanks for asking. OR I tell them o sure you take care of the 2nd baby then. Or I say Im content but if your not you should have 1.

Re: One and done moms

I'm having a hard time getting pregnant for the 2nd time, so if things don't work out, I'll be a one and done mom. I haven't told anyone except for my mom and I think DH mentioned it to his parents that we are having some trouble (which they can't grasp at all). I hear all types of dumb comments about not going for it.. little do they know that we are having trouble. I have learned to laugh it off, and when people get persistent, I just ask whether they are channeling their need for another one on me.. and usually the older ladies shut up at that point. Also a sibling is not a guarantee as for a friend for life, as many folks put it. Maybe when they are little but they grow up and have their own personalities and differences... anything can happen.
Do what works for you, and your family.. people will have something to say if you have 2 kids, or 3.. if they are the same gender, or twins, there will always be a sarcastic or naive (I say dumb) comment.

If another child is not meant in the cards for us, I'll grateful for my one and that's it. Don't let anyone make you feel less of a person or a mom because you only have one.

Re: One and done moms

As others have said- it is a RUDE question.
And because it's a rude question you should embarrass them right back.
I used to say- WOW that is a really personal question! How rude!

And walk away

Re: One and done moms

I have a DS and a DSD (who lives with us full time.) So I am "one and done" by birth.

I am fully content with it, and would have been fine with just DS if DSD didn't exist or lived with her mom.

I always imagined myself with 1-2 children which I guess makes it easier to "know" - it fit the mental picture I had in my head.

Other reasons: Space considerations - we'd rather no one have to share a room and #3 would necessitate that. Also, DH and I think it's important to be able to fund 4 years at a SUNY, something that probably wouldn't happen with a third. Plus, DH really does NOT want another one.

The above echos what many others wrote but what I really wanted to add was this: If you are 90% sure your family is complete, you are in a better position than most women I know. I have know so many women who struggled to conceive and are at varying stages of peace with what they have. A good friend is a bit younger than me - approaching 30 - and dreamed of 5 children and is so sad lately because she's not even in a relationship so the chances of that are slim. My BFF is approaching 40 and will most likely never have children (for a few reasons) and is dealing with mixed feelings about that. Etc., etc.

I guess what I am trying to say is that there are so many factors outside of your control that you are lucky if you have the power of "knowing" and making a conscious decision rather than time, biology, money, etc. making the decision for you.

I hope that makes sense. Good luck with your decision!

One and done moms

i would say if you feel "90% sure" you're done... then thats probably your answer
in my case... DS is 4.5- we adopted him from Korea and he's our only child. BUT i have SO SO much guilt about him being an only child, that i think we're going to go for a second one in my case, i feel like constant guilt when i see him just sitting there playing by himself, or just wondering around our yard looking lost, instead of running around chasing after his brother or sister :-/ he also has no cousins at all to play with either--- so its really sad to me.
the other day we were with my friend and her 2 kids... and she said to her little one "hold your sister's hand!" and my DS said " I wish i had a sister like that!" stuff like that breaks my heart!!
i have one sister, and my DH is an only child- so he's fine either way. but, even though i'm not SUPER close to my sister, i can't imagine not having her while i was growing up, or just knowing she's out there if i need her.
and when my grandma passed away recently, it was so nice to see my mom and her 3 brothers have each other through all of that....
ANYWAY.... thats how i know i'm not done.... i just don't feel done, and it eats at me a lot. SOOO if you're not feeling that strongly about it, i would say thats your answer good luck deciding!!!

One and done moms

I though I was one and done with my daughter. I was totally ok with just being the 3 of us and not worried about a sibling. It took almost 2 1/2 years to concieve our DD. So I never in a million years thought I would just get pregnant out of the blue and then I did. I am now 16 weeks and starting to wrap my head around another baby. At first I was like oh no..but now I am happy that my daughter will have a sibling and a playmate. Sometime the plan is bigger than us lol!

One and done moms

My 10 year old nephew is an only. I was asking if he felt like he missed out on a sibling. He laughed and said I have friends and family and when they annoy me they go home. He told me dd will love being an only just as he does and if dd is ever lonely she can come hang out with him.