Oh dear

So I got a few missed calls on my cellphone from an unidentified #. Then FH called me to say his sister was trying to call me to tell me something so I could tell him. Eventually when she couldn't reach me she called him back and told him that his dad's prognosis (he has prostate cancer which has spread to bones) is 1-3 years. Apparently his sister called the oncologist and they told her, but had not told mom and dad (however, dad said he didn't want to know).

FH called me up in a kind of passive upset way to tell me. I reacted very calmly (with the setup he gave me I thought he was going to say someone had died. His dad, grandpa, uncle and cousin are all battling cancer right now). I asked him if he was sure and I said it didn't really add up that his sister could just call the oncologist and they would tell her after not telling the actual patient and his wife. Also, his sister has a tendency to exagerrate and/or make shite up.

He's ****** off with me now because he's reacting very emotionally and I'm trying to tell him "before you get upset, find out if it's true" and he says I'm being cold to him. I feel bad, but I want him to see that it's not that I don't care, I'm just not going to cry over it if it's another of his sister's head games. On top of that, 15 years ago they told FH's grandpa he had 6 months to live..obviously they were wrong. FFIL doesn't want to know his prognosis because he wants to keep fighting. Maybe I'm being insensitive because I have little attachment to FFIL, but I also don't think it's time to panic. When I asked why his parents would put his sister on the HIPA (sp?) he said
"because unlike you, they don't hate her"...and suddenly I'm the enemy, the evil one who hates his dear sweet sister. Ugh. But seriously, if someone has a spouse, do they put the daughter on the form? and does the dr. just give out info he hasn't even given to the patient?

I know he's just really emotional, but my way of being there for him is to be practical. I'm not a "poor baby" kind of person. I guess I need to try to be to be there for him.

I don't know what the point of this post is, I'm just feeling frustrated. Some prayers for FH's family would be appreciated.

ETA: We all knew his dad's cancer was very serious, so this prognosis should not come as a surprise, so I also questioned why she felt the need to call him tonight to tell him this. She really has a flair for the dramatic. In HS she called him up the night before the SAT to tell him his dad had been cheating on his mom for over a decade. Nice timing!

Message edited 12/7/2007 8:36:12 PM.

Re: Oh dear

I totally understand where you are coming from with the whole being practical thing - but maybe he just needs you to be there right now. In a few days, when it all sinks in, you can bring out Miss Practical again and it will probably make him feel better.

He's probably just not ready for that right now.

Re: Oh dear

Re: Oh dear

speaking from my own experience, my FILs oncologist has spoken at length with both my SIL and my husband about FIL's condition and prognosis. They've called the Dr to ask the questions they didn't want to ask in front of FIL/MIL.

Sorry to hear about your FIL's condition. I wouldn't make this about your SIL, just be there for your FH.

Re: Oh dear

i know that you know, deep down, he is lashing out at you because he is upset at his father's prognosis. you are being there for him the way you know how - and he knows that, too.

for now, i would just tell him that you are there for him if he wants to talk. lay aside your practicality for a bit and just be there for him - no need to say "what if" now, that will come later.

i don't know a whole lot about HIPAA laws but this is from a website i found:

"For Notification and Other Purposes. A covered entity also may rely on an
individual’s informal permission to disclose to the individual’s family,
relatives, or friends, or to other persons whom the individual identifies,
protected health information directly relevant to that person’s involvement in
the individual’s care or payment for care. 26 This provision, for example,
allows a pharmacist to dispense filled prescriptions to a person acting on
behalf of the patient. Similarly, a covered entity may rely on an individual’s
informal permission to use or disclose protected health information for the
purpose of notifying (including identifying or locating) family members,
personal representatives, or others responsible for the individual’s care of the
individual’s location, general condition, or death. In addition, protected
health information may be disclosed for notification purposes to public or
private entities authorized by law or charter to assist in disaster relief efforts."

it basically says that yes, if your FFIL told his doctor that he could tell your FSIL, then it's possible she did call to find out his prognosis and was informed.

here is the website (it's a pdf file): HIPAA summary

i hope this helped a little bit.

Message edited 12/7/2007 8:53:59 PM.

Re: Oh dear

If she's his health care proxy or she has his permission, they can share everything. However, I would be extremely shocked if they told her that over the phone.

I understand you think it's bs but even if it is FH got some possibly big news. I would go with the super supportive option and later opt for the little hints of "why don't we ask your parents if we could speak to the doctor directly."

I've seen people get some very important news completely wrong in the past - news that they were waiting so desperately to hear, you'd think they'd have paid close attention. So even if they did something along those lines, she could be hearing someting different.


Also sounds like he's looking for a fight because he's upset.

Re: Oh dear

I know he is upset but I would have questioned why she is called YOU and not him if that was so "important".

Re: Oh dear

Re: Oh dear

Re: Oh dear

Thanks ladies. I am trying to be there for him. He is still really on edge. I still think it was a manipulation tactic by his sister, because we knew the prognosis was not good, and it worked because now all he can think about is going to see them, even though he keeps trying and they keep saying he has to go upstate to see them because they go there EVERY weekend and will not stay in Brooklyn to see him.

And what makes me really upset is that FH called his mom and told her the "news". She said she did not know and thanked him..but I thought it was extremely selfish on his and his sister's part to do that because if his mom wanted the prognosis she could have easily found out for herself, and she's not the kind of person who has an easy time keeping her mouth shut, and as her husband does not want to know, she's put in a difficult position.

I just have to try to be there for him, but it's difficult because I just see a lot of effed up stuff going on.