No relationship with SS

I am new to this site and can't even begin to tell u how happy I was to come across this forum. I have been a stepmom to my SS who is 12 now since he was 5 yrs old. I am also a mom of 3 kids. My SS and my boys are all within 2 yrs of each other. Thankfully they all get along. The problem is that my DH ex has for whatever reason wanted to make my life miserable since I came along. BTW, I had nothing to do with their split, actually met my DH 2 yrs after they divorced. She has evidently badmouthed me to my ss since day one (although we recently only found this out). That is, in my book, the worst thing you could ever do. I have shown nohing but love and warmth to him and he literally wants nothing to do with me. Everytime he is with us, you can cut the tension with a knife. My DH is so clueless and has done practically nothing to fix the situation. I have tried talking to my ss and tell him how I want a closer relationship with him but so much damage has been done by his mother thru the years. My DH and his ex hate each other and dont ever co-parent . It makes me crazy as me and my ex have made it our mission to make sure our boys were ok from the divorce and are amicable for their sake. The irony is that Im a mom, I work with kids, love them so much and this is the only child I have ever had a problem connecting with. Sorry for rambling but I am at my wits end and need advice

Re: No relationship with SS

Welcome

So sorry you are going through this...Its such a shame when children are used as pawns and weapons in divorce situations ....

Unfortunately in your case, you must remember that you can only control "your" feelings , and not his ...The only way to conquer this is to keep doing what you are doing , by keeping an open mind about him and realizing that the thoughts and feelings he has for you are NOT his own and have been perpetuated by someone who is a strong force and has a mental hold over this child...Once he matures and can see the situation for what it is and see you for who you are and how well you have always treated him is when things will hopefully change .

Having said that, I do think he needs to respect you and this is where your DH must put the hammer down on that...He needs to have a sit down and get to the root of his anger...

Its also hard to remember that he is 12 and attitude is an issue even in non-blended families ...makes it even tougher ...Maybe "try" to do something one on one with him ? Its hard when its the opposite gender and the age being a tough one...

I have been in my SD's life since she was 4 months old (DH and BM were never married-thankfully )...The BM did a doozy on my SD and we were alienated from her for almost 2+ years (age 8-10) and now at 13 we have started to rebuild the relationship...Fortunately my relationship with her was always good (aside from then when she stopped seeing us) , but her mother has always tried to fill her head with untruths about both her father and myself....Very sad situation for all involved and so completely unnecessary...

Good luck to you and I hope time heals some of this for you all

Re: No relationship with SS

I think that at his age it will be very hard for you to have anything more with him until he decides he needs you.

First I would have a very simple conversation about your feelings with him and leave it open for him to think about...such as "I would never try to replace your mother, she is your mom and your only mom and I know you love her. I love you as well and I want you to know that I will be here for you whenever you need me and I hope one day you will accept me".
After that let him simmer. He may have ideas in his head that are wrong and if you get the chance to set the record straight please dont point fingers at his mom. Always be honest with him but you dont want to make him feel like he has to choose (maybe even mention that to him).

Good Luck!

Re: No relationship with SS

I have h ad so many talks with him but one thing I didnt mention..he has major issues with anxiety and social skills. He is not a typical 12 yr old which makes it even harder . My oldset son is 12 1/2 so I can relate to the age. I have told him so many times that I love him and as much as I had to bite my tongue, even told him how much I like his mother. He always seems unhappy to be with us and my DH happens to be an amzing dad to him. The main problem is his mother constantly puts us down..no clue why. I have to believe at this point that she is just unhappy in her own life and hates that her ex is now very happy (the irony is that she ended the marriage ). I dont know what the answer is, and yes I hope as he gets older it gets better. Its nice to just be able to vent about it and hear all your opinions.

Re: No relationship with SS

I've been with DH for almost 7 years and have never met SD's mother b/c she always refused yet she badmouths me and my son. She's a horrible person. Give him time to mature, he'll come around and see things for himself.
When my dad remarried (I was 13y/o) I didn't give new wife a chance b/c my mom kept telling all these bad things about her. I gave this woman the worst attitude but as the years went by I would see how good she treated my dad and how happy she made him. They've been married for 17 years now, she and I have become such good friends we speak almost daily and even she and my mom have become good friends. There is hope just keep doing what you're doing

Re: No relationship with SS

That does give me hope..I can relate to how u said you have never met the mother..I have literally never had a conversation with this woman. She hates me and does not know me whatsoever. Like I said, I could understand if I was the cause of their breakup, but I had nothing to do with it. I came along 2 yrs after they split up. I am so nice to my ex's girlfriend. I have no issues with her at all. She does not step on my toes and my boys like her a lot. Why wouldnt I want my kids to like their stepmom? I would have to be an insecure person to feel that way. I know that my boys love me and Im the only mom they have . I dont feel threatened by her. Its all about making sure the kids are ok. They didnt choose for their parents to get divorced. I can only hope things will get better as he gets older.