LONG- but I'd appreciate your advice/ thoughts

Background: I am not religious at all. My parents are catholic, and we celebrate Xmas and Easter as family holidays. I was not baptized nor have I ever attended church .

DH was raised Catholic , but hasn't been to church since 1983. Really, 1983. He was 13.
My ILs are very religious- well, mostly my MIL. FIL started going back to church b/c he's ' going to die soon, better please the guy upstairs" His words.

DH and I discussed how we would raise Madeline. I said she could decide for herself later on if she wanted to be Catholic. I would support her b/c its her choice. DH said we should give her the foundation, we kind of agreed to disagree and went on with our lives. Its never been a pressing issue.

That is until we see my ILs. We have a trip planned to Florida in June, and ILs asked DH if they could baptise Maddy while we're there. I want to be open minded, really I do, but when I think about her being baptized in a religion separate from me, my stomach turns. DH thinks since it doesn't 'mean anything' to me , its a simple ceremony and I should do it for my ILs b/c they have been good to us.

OK, Number One- I am FUMING that they went behind my back to ask him to talk to me. MIL and I have had many discussions about why she feels they way she does, and why I feel the way I do. They are intelligent , respectful talks and I see why SHE is religious. That is her belief and I get it. Its not for me. I get along with MIL very well, we are quite open with each other-they should have come to Dh and I as a couple, not just to DH.

Two- Just because I don't go to church or am a card carrying member of a religious organization doesn't mean I am not a spiritual person. I am . I have explored different religions and none seem to fit: I believe in a higher power, I pray, I am charitable, and I believe in teaching my child right and wrong. Just because I 'do not have' a religion doesn't mean my daughters spirituality is up or grabs.

Three- I can't get over the fact that Madeline will be a different religion than me. It just doesn't sit well with me. I explained to Dh that it would be like asking him to raise her Hindu or Jewish because my parents wanted to. First of all, our parents should have no say in the matter- DH and I are making the only desicisons about this. If Dh said to me that it mattered to HIM, I'd be more inclined to consider a baptism.

Thank you if you made it so far. I'm not sure what I am asking. I am just so upset- me and Dh spent the last hour yelling at each other about this. He didn't appreciate my " see how religion separates?" crack.
I might add that this 'request' comes on the heels of a very generous check from my ILs for a down payment on a house.
Does anyone think I am being unreasonable? Would you raise your child in a different religion b/c it meant a lot to your ILs??

Re: LONG- but I'd appreciate your advice/ thoughts

its a tough call. I am Catholic, but putting myself in your shoes, MIL and FIL are pentecostal. If they wanted to baptize my baby, I would say no. Its my baby...they are grandparents, they already did for their kids what they thought was best. Time to take a backseat and be the grandparents.

My FIL's mother(Leo's grandmother) is Catholic. Leo's parents are not. When he went to Puerto Rico on vacation during his youth, his grandmother secretly baptized him and his siblings. My MIL flipped.

Re: LONG- but I'd appreciate your advice/ thoughts

I could have written your post, the only difference is my DH and I are on the same page. We have basically, but very nicely, told his parents (and all of his nosey aunts) that the decision is not theirs to make. We will raise our son how we want. I would never ask them to justify their faith and I find it disrespectful for them to expect us to defend our lack of faith.

Re: LONG- but I'd appreciate your advice/ thoughts

Personally, I would only get my child baptized if it was important and meaningful to me, not to please the grandparents. I think that it was very nervy of her to even ask.

Re: LONG- but I'd appreciate your advice/ thoughts

I guess I'm not understanding why you say your daughter will be a different religion than you are, since you say you aren't any religion. I kind of think that you and DH should sit down and decide on something that you can both live with, so that you can give your daughter some sort of guidance/path to follow. If you never offer her any religion, how will she be able to choose one when she gets older, as you say you will let her. I agree that this should be a decision that you and DH are on the same page with. Maybe DH wants to be more religious now and is either afraid, or embarrassed to say so, or maybe he sees giving religion to his daughter as something he should do as a parent?

I agree that you should not do it just to please your ILs, and if the downpayment for the house comes with strings attached, well then that is not very charitable. I do think you and DH need to hash this out. The decision should not just be what you want or what he wants. And doing it for his parents because they've "been so good" is BUNK!

Good luck.

Re: LONG- but I'd appreciate your advice/ thoughts

Dh is not religious , he said to me flat out he wants to do this 'only to please' his parents. Not a good enough reason , IMO.
And just becasue I don't believe in an organized religion doesn't mean I don't have spiritual beliefs. I can giver her guidnace/ a path without taking her to a synagogue, church or mosqe.
I guess its hard to explain, but the bottom line is baptising her does not feel right to me. maddy will get plenty of ideas about the church from my ILs , reading about religion, etc. Religion is very prevelant in our society. If she decides to do it, then I will support her. If she wants to go to church, I will go with her. Its HER choice, not my ILS.

Re: LONG- but I'd appreciate your advice/ thoughts

My husband and I aren't religious either, so I can relate. If having my daughter baptised was something important to my parents or in-laws, I would probably just do it. I don't see the harm in it... it's not like they're asking you to tattoo your baby or something; it's just a little holy water. I don't think it would, by any means, take away her right to choose her beliefs in the future.

Re: LONG- but I'd appreciate your advice/ thoughts

IMO this is a decision for you and dh to make..you shouldnt feel like just because they did a nice thing for you that you have to repay them..(especially against your beliefs).and nor should they EVER use that against you..they should respect you for your decisions you make for YOUR child..they should not love your child any less or think less of you..im sorry you have to go through this.. i guess this is where the tough part gets when you have great in laws...and just different beliefs..i wish you so much luck and honestly i would go with what you believe...i can understand you dh wants to please them because of something nice they did for you..but thats what parents are for..i mean did they give you $$ and say "only if you baptize my grandchild?" i think you should have an adult discussion about this since you are close to them..im sure they would understand in the end..GOOD LUCK

Re: LONG- but I'd appreciate your advice/ thoughts

Re: LONG- but I'd appreciate your advice/ thoughts

i personally would do it... since you believe in a higher power and you are just not sure of the catholic faith, i would give your daughter the opportunity to have the foundation.. i think it is important to teach kids some kind of faith and let them be open minded about what they want.. my Dh and i are by no means very religious but all 4 of the kids were baptised.

Re: LONG- but I'd appreciate your advice/ thoughts

NO way.

I agree with the above poster who said that the grandparents need to take a backseat.

If they want to string that money over your head...then that's just messed up. You're the parents and YOU decide. Don't let them bribe you into baptising your child if you don't want to.

Re: LONG- but I'd appreciate your advice/ thoughts

First of all, it is no one's place to request a baptism other than the parents'. I am not religious at all and have battling with the decision of getting my daughter christened for the last 10.5 months. I almost fell into the trap of doing it because my family keeps telling me I "have to", but the more I think about it, the more I say NO. It has no meaning, and I'm sorry, I cannot allow my daughter to be baptized if I don't even consider myself Catholic. I would be putting her through something that I do not want for her, so what's the point.
On the otherhand, though, I am baptized, I made communion and I am also confirmed and married in a Catholic church. I'm probably the least Catholic person on earth. So part of me feels like, if it becomes a huge issue with my family and they won't leave me alone about it, I'll baptize her and then leave it at that. But they have been pretty good about it lately, so I'm not even considering it anymore.
Sorry, this probably doesn't help you. I definitely wouldn't do it because htey gave you a downpayment for a home. That's just a ridiculous reason

Re: LONG- but I'd appreciate your advice/ thoughts

religion is such a hard thing in a marriage, esp when everyone has different beliefs, i am jewish and my DH is catholic and we have decided to raise the baby jewish as my DH is not that religous (i am more then he is) this was OUR decision together, and yes his family was not happy with it at first, my SIL (his brothers wife) is VERY catholic so you can imagine how she acted, and even my MIL who is not that religous was upset we were not baptising the baby, it finally got to the point where my DH had to put his foot down and say look this is what WE, meaning him and me, want for OUR child. For 3 years i had to hear over and over, even after i would say "no", are you baptising your children when you have them (we werent even married yet and i was getting this They have slowly been coming around now, esp b/c the baby will be here in 2 months, but i know when he has his bris, i am sure we are going to go through this bulls*** again, i am lucky though that my DH is on my side and wants to raise the baby jewish too. my point is dont do something YOU are not comfotable with, honestly i wouldnt be able to raise my baby catholic or get him baptised, also b/c i wouldnt feel right that we were different religions, but thats my opinion, my DH doesnt care or feel it will affect him negatively that he will be a different one from our child

Re: LONG- but I'd appreciate your advice/ thoughts