kind of confused

We've been here before, and here we are again. I would like to start trying for #2 in the fall and Dh doesn't think he even wants another child. We had discussed having 2-3 before we even got married and now I"m really sad. We decided to let the issue lie for now and rediscuss it after our family trip to Florida in June. I certainly wouldn't "trick" Dh into having another baby, but why should he get the final say? I'm the one who has to be pregnant, push out a baby, and do the bulk of the child raising. But I also don't want DH to be resentful of me or a new baby. I'm jst feeling lost right now. It's important to me to have another child and I don't think I could be ok with not having one. I know that I would resent DH. Anyone have any pearls of wisdom? At thispoint I'm just hoping our trip is fantastic and DS is really well behaved and that kicks DH into wanting to add to our family.

Re: kind of confused

i'm sorry

maybe just open the lines of communication and see exactly why he has changed his mind?

Maybe he worried about money, space in house, how your marriage will change with another? Juggling two kids?

My 2nd was a surprise and my Dh was actually calming me down, but in the end, he was also worried about all of the above and felt better about the 2nd baby after we got it all out in the open.

Re: kind of confused

I think it is very unfair that prior to marriage you discussed having more than one and now he is changing his mind.

To ME it would be very very important to have more than 1. It would not go over well if DH changed his mind.

I don't know honestly what you can do other than talking to him and making it known just how very much it means to you. Why is he so scared and adamant about no more kids??? Tell him how much you'd love DS to have a sibling, how you picture your little family expanding and how happy it makes you....if your DH isn't able to budge and won't see your point of view, I would seriously think about things. Counseling might help...it's too big of an issue to be pushed off and I do NOT believe that he should get his way.

What if you were to get pregnant by accident? (Not saying to do that..) meaning.....you honestly got pregnant while on the pill, or something happened....what would he do??

Sorry you're going through this. I hope things work out in your favor!

Re: kind of confused

what was discussed before you both wed and started a family was more like a fantasy spoken out loud. now that you and dh have one, i can definitely understand how feelings for having another has changed. of course, this all depends on how well everything turned out.

anyway, you both have to be in agreement in this. this is a huge deal! i totally understand your urge to have another addition. but when your partner is unwilling to do so... just swallow this pain. and who knows.. things may change later on.

Re: kind of confused

Posted by sweetness

i'm sorry

maybe just open the lines of communication and see exactly why he has changed his mind?

Maybe he worried about money, space in house, how your marriage will change with another? Juggling two kids?

My 2nd was a surprise and my Dh was actually calming me down, but in the end, he was also worried about all of the above and felt better about the 2nd baby after we got it all out in the open.

Re: kind of confused

Im so sorry, I know somone else going through this. it's such a tough spot to be in.

I know I couldnt just put this aside (or make the decision based on his thoughts only).
hopefully you can talk about what is making him feel this way.

Re: kind of confused

Message edited 3/3/2008 11:40:49 AM.

Re: kind of confused

Posted by nferrandi

Posted by sweetness

i'm sorry

maybe just open the lines of communication and see exactly why he has changed his mind?

Maybe he worried about money, space in house, how your marriage will change with another? Juggling two kids?

My 2nd was a surprise and my Dh was actually calming me down, but in the end, he was also worried about all of the above and felt better about the 2nd baby after we got it all out in the open.

We have discussed all of these things, and to be honest I think his answers are stupid.
Worried about money- we are certainly not rich, but we are close to comfortable. Another baby would not be too much of a financial strain. I'm very blessed to have a house with no mortgage.
Space in house- we have another bedroom which is currently being used as an office. Dh is upset to lose "his" space. Not that I have any "me" space in the whole house.
How our marriage will change- This is probably the only valid arguement. Our moms watch Ds while I work part time, which is huge. But we don't get a ton of weekend help because we don't want to take advantage. We do have nights out, but not nearly as often as we probably should, and I'm sure it would be even less with another baby.
Juggling two kids- If we tried in the fall there would be about 3 years between the kids. I think this is a good amount of time that Ds will be more manageable. Yes it will be extra work for our moms, but I do think they would rather have an extra grandchild.

Re: kind of confused

Posted by anna

Posted by nferrandi

Yes it will be extra work for our moms, but I do think they would rather have an extra grandchild.

I feel very strongly about this topic, and I feel for you 1,000%. Luckily this was never even remotely an issue for us, or I would have been crushed,
neither of you should go against what you truly want, but this is a sensitive topic that you should hopefully meet in the middle on (maybe regarding when to have the baby, or cutting back on expenses (only because he said money).


baby thoughts to your DH

Re: kind of confused

Re: kind of confused

I am keeping my fingers crossed that the trip is just the right dose of relaxation to help clear his mind and have a really good heart-to-heart with you.

I hope he comes around...

Re: kind of confused

Posted by Ang-Rich

I am keeping my fingers crossed that the trip is just the right dose of relaxation to help clear his mind and have a really good heart-to-heart with you.

I hope he comes around...

Re: kind of confused

Posted by nferrandi

Posted by sweetness

Those do sound like just excuses to me as well. Those things just do work out too.

I think there's GOT to something else he's not letting on about that lead him to change his mind that he's not telling you.

If we discussed family before marriage, and then Dh went and changed his mind, i'd def be upset too.

Re: kind of confused

Posted by sweetness

QUOTE]

I hope he comes around for you. That would be a huge dealbreaker for me.

Sounds to me like he's being selfish and time to grow up a little.

You come to a certain age and its time for family and the partying should end a bit. At least til the kids are out of the house. My IL's have 100x better social life than DH and I do, i am patiently waiting for that day that i can go out on friday and sat nights again.

I'd tell him that theres always others who have it much worse. Hey i can give you some of my stories/sacrafices.

Re: kind of confused

Posted by nferrandi

That's just it- it is kind of a deal breaker for me. But the fact is, I love Dh dearly and can't begin to imagine being without him. But I also have an equally hard time trying to wrap my head around never having another child.

Re: kind of confused

My DH can be the same way sometimes. We "agreed" to 3 children before we even got married--I let him know how important this was to me. He preferred only to have 2--if that

Just yesterday, he and I were lamenting the fact that we hardly go out together like we used to--he said it's only going to get worse with 3 and I saw his viewpoint (but will not let it deter me). Once things start getting more manageable, it's easy to say, "You know what, let's stop here; life is good." But DH and I always say "What would we be doing? Getting drunk at a bar at 35 years old with people 10 years younger???" Life moves on, friends have families, and what have you got? Your children. I truly believe that once a child is born no one's going to say, "Oh, I wish X was never born." Trust me, my DH and I frequenly reminisce--occasionally with a twinge of sadness--that our lives are not the same anymore, but that's what life is all about and we wouldn't change a thing!

Anyway, I've rambled enough...I hope you and your DH come to an agreement that you're both happy with!

Re: kind of confused

Posted by sweetness

Posted by nferrandi

That's exactly where i would be too.
Just to throw this out there... But can you really picture yourself with just one child and can you wake up next to DH everyday knowing he changed his mind without having some kind of resentment towards him?

Re: kind of confused

I agree with the previous posters on opening up the lines of communication more. Just be careful not to talk it to death (something that in the past, I know I've been guilty of). You can only talk so much before both of you have to decide whether or not this is a deal breaker. Unfortunately on your end there could be time constraints. On his end, there are none.

It's a lot of pressure to put on a vacation. I could see being tempted to do everything to make him more amenable toward having another child, but that's not real. If he truly can't handle the child he has & the change that came with it, making it easier for a few days won't help either of you.I understand taking a break from talking about hard issues, but for me I'd want to enjoy that vacation as much as possible. It's one thing to be worried about other people's reaction to your child misbehaving. The last thing you should be worrying about is how DH will react if your child misbehaves.

I would tell him what you said here. You absolutely want another child & are afraid you will resent him for not having one - and on the flip side are worried that he'll resent having one. I would also talk to him before the vacation. June is months away.

I'm so sorry you're in this place. I know it ***** for me when my DH & I aren't in sync.

Message edited 3/3/2008 12:13:59 PM.

Re: kind of confused

Posted by nrthshgrl

I agree with the previous posters on opening up the lines of communication more. Just be careful not to talk it to death (something that in the past, I know I've been guilty of). You can only talk so much before both of you have to decide whether or not this is a deal breaker. Unfortunately on your end there could be time constraints. On his end, there are none.

It's a lot of pressure to put on a vacation. I could see being tempted to do everything to make him more amenable toward having another child, but that's not real. If he truly can't handle the child he has & the change that came with it, making it easier for a few days won't help either of you.I understand taking a break from talking about hard issues, but for me I'd want to enjoy that vacation as much as possible. It's one thing to be worried about other people's reaction to your child misbehaving. The last thing you should be worrying about is how DH will react if your child misbehaves.

I would tell him what you said here. You absolutely want another child & are afraid you will resent him for not having one - and on the flip side are worried that he'll resent having one. I would also talk to him before the vacation. June is months away.

I'm so sorry you're in this place. I know it ***** for me when my DH & I aren't in sync.

Re: kind of confused

Posted by nrthshgrl

I agree with the previous posters on opening up the lines of communication more. Just be careful not to talk it to death (something that in the past, I know I've been guilty of). You can only talk so much before both of you have to decide whether or not this is a deal breaker. Unfortunately on your end there could be time constraints. On his end, there are none.

It's a lot of pressure to put on a vacation. I could see being tempted to do everything to make him more amenable toward having another child, but that's not real. If he truly can't handle the child he has & the change that came with it, making it easier for a few days won't help either of you.I understand taking a break from talking about hard issues, but for me I'd want to enjoy that vacation as much as possible. It's one thing to be worried about other people's reaction to your child misbehaving. The last thing you should be worrying about is how DH will react if your child misbehaves.

I would tell him what you said here. You absolutely want another child & are afraid you will resent him for not having one - and on the flip side are worried that he'll resent having one. I would also talk to him before the vacation. June is months away.

I'm so sorry you're in this place. I know it ***** for me when my DH & I aren't in sync.

Re: kind of confused

I hope you guys are able to come to an agreement and he is able to see how important this is to you. I will be in the same situation in another year or so I'm afraid. It helps my DH alot to see how easier things have gotten since the infant stage. Remind him of that, they aren't young forever and you guys will have time to yourselves again before you know it. I think my DH felt like we were trapped in the infant stage forever, when in reality it has gotten a million times easier (and much more fun!) I hope it all works out for you.