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Interesting thought with mothers day coming up

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Paramount
Sweet!

Member since 7/12

4287 total posts

Name:

Interesting thought with mothers day coming up

I'm going to be honest.

I don't have kids. probably wont. My DH and I have the approach that if it happens great. if not, great.

So.

I read an article the other day about what a mom REALLY wants for mothers day.

To sleep in, REALLY sleep in.

To have DH do the dishes.

Not let the house chores pile up.

Have 30 min alone to take a shower...read a book.

NOT have the kids make breakfast in bed.

It got me thinking. A wife's role is tough. I have a GREAT DH, but he does not do what I do in the home. And getting him to help is not the easiest thing. But he DOES help when asked, and will sometimes take an initiative.

So I was thinking about being a mom. My load would be triple. A baby is no easy thing. Waking up in the middle of the night, no sleep, (I would NOT breastfeed), but everything that goes with raising a child. So It would be much worse for me as far as workload is concerned.

And I go back to this article. The thought that most moms have to ask or "want" this kind of treatment makes me not want to be a mom. If my DH expects me to do all the work, then ask (beg?) for ONE day to sleep in, how is that right? Shouldn't HE get up with the kids all the time too? Make dinner? Do the laundry? Clean the floor? Vaccum? Why are women expected to do ALL the work?

I know kids bring their own blessings. I love my nieces and nephews. I LOVE kids. However I have never had a burning desire to be a mother. My life is not over, there is no hole. There is no yearning. There is no loss. I am sure I had a miscarriage a few years ago. I think I was pg for about 4 days when it all went south. But I can say that I feel no loss, I got over it the next day.

That's me and I don't judge anyone for how THEY feel

I am not someone to who agonizes over things. I Can't waste my precious energy on the past, but I look to today and the future and how awesome it is...to be alive, to have my DH, to have my great job, to have my family. Life is good. I just don't dwell on the bad because I cant change it.

But seeing everything a mother has to go through it makes me much more confident that I'm VERY ok with no kids.

Posted 5/8/15 10:17 AM
 

hmm
Sweet

Member since 1/14

7911 total posts

Name:

Interesting thought with mothers day coming up

hmmm, glad you found peace :) I wish I could

Posted 5/9/15 8:31 PM
 

Mushesgirl
Too blessed to be stressed

Member since 4/09

6622 total posts

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Re: Interesting thought with mothers day coming up

I have often thought the same things about our life, and how it would be with kids. I don't want them and neither does dh; we often just think, man, our lives are so got dam busy, how the h would we function with kids? Nightmare!

But back to your post, I think it depends on the guy; i know lots of husbands who are johnny on the spot with the kids, share the load equally. I also know guys who will only get off the couch when they have a figurative gun to their head.

Good for you for knowing yourself and your marriage, and that it's all good if kids aren't in the future. I think that's so much healthier than folks who just have kids just because it's "what's expected" then watch their lives fall apart.

Posted 5/10/15 10:45 PM
 

Paramount
Sweet!

Member since 7/12

4287 total posts

Name:

Re: Interesting thought with mothers day coming up

Posted by Mushesgirl

I have often thought the same things about our life, and how it would be with kids. I don't want them and neither does dh; we often just think, man, our lives are so got dam busy, how the h would we function with kids? Nightmare!

But back to your post, I think it depends on the guy; i know lots of husbands who are johnny on the spot with the kids, share the load equally. I also know guys who will only get off the couch when they have a figurative gun to their head.

Good for you for knowing yourself and your marriage, and that it's all good if kids aren't in the future. I think that's so much healthier than folks who just have kids just because it's "what's expected" then watch their lives fall apart.



I would never have kids because "its expected". I do what I want, not what society thinks I should do.

And don't get me wrong. DH would step up....but it would take a bit of time. But I'm pretty sure kids are not in my future.

And I am ok with that.

Posted 5/11/15 2:15 PM
 

Paramount
Sweet!

Member since 7/12

4287 total posts

Name:

Re: Interesting thought with mothers day coming up

Posted by hmm

hmmm, glad you found peace :) I wish I could



I am SO sorry you are hurting. I wish I could take the pain away.

I have a very unique take on life because I have known loss. Not terrible...but is any loss a nice loss?

So when I look at the MC it does not really hurt. To *me* it was a bunch of cells. Yes, it was a promise, but not all promises are kept.

I feel that moving forward is SO much more palatable that staying behind. I was terribly teased and made fun of as a kid. It stayed with me until I was...what 36? Once I realized it was ok to let go, and was taught HOW to let go my WORLD opened.

I did not deserve to hold onto 25 years of bullying. It took too much from my soul. Today if something bad happens (like a miscarriage) I move beyond because I can. I have given myself to permission to let the bad stay in the past and not let ANYTHING hold me back.

I give you strength and love and support. I am so sorry for your loss. Know you are not alone and know that you have inner strength you didn't know you had.

Posted 5/11/15 2:20 PM
 

hmm
Sweet

Member since 1/14

7911 total posts

Name:

Interesting thought with mothers day coming up

Paramount, thank you for your kind words and support.

Learning to let go is such a long hard process, I know. Good for you for allowing yourself permission to move forward. You are a very strong person.
:)

Message edited 5/11/2015 9:06:19 PM.

Posted 5/11/15 9:05 PM
 

LI-Joy

Member since 10/07

2910 total posts

Name:

Re: Interesting thought with mothers day coming up

Posted by hmm

hmmm, glad you found peace :) I wish I could



I wish I could too. It's a life long sadness. Chat Icon

Posted 5/11/15 10:30 PM
 

Paramount
Sweet!

Member since 7/12

4287 total posts

Name:

Re: Interesting thought with mothers day coming up

Posted by LI-Joy

Posted by hmm

hmmm, glad you found peace :) I wish I could



I wish I could too. It's a life long sadness. Chat Icon



I will say that I guess since I have never desired to be a parent that I'm not sad about it. Well, I'm sad, but I wont let it stop me.

I wish I could give super duper words of advice.

What I CAN say is this. Its ok to be sad. Try to find the inner strength in you that makes you awesome. When you are feeling sad, think about one thing about yourself that you love. ALLOW yourself to put it aside. give yourself permission to be able to move on in that moment.

I will be dead honest. All my cards on the table. My biggest fear in life (beside my DH dying) is having kids, not having kids and being in a depressed state because of it.

I don't think I could survive if I focused on not having kids, and the despair it could bring. I see too many women, even on this board, who cant move on with their life. I just cant allow that to happen....I spent almost 35 years holding my childhood, holding onto the teasing and bullying. It crippled me (in a sense) for a very long time....35 years :)

Once I came up from that fog I realized what I was missing. life. Love. happiness. I could SEE what I was, and what I became. I was so damn proud of myself.

I didn't get married until I was 38. And I knew that I may or may not have kids and decided it was ok. because the alternative was not an option.

I cant live in "What if". What if I had not been bullied all those years? What if I had ONE kid that would have stood up for me? What if I had ONE friend? What if my parents didn't get divorced? What if my brother wasn't an a$$hole to me as a kid? What if my sister wasn't a drug addict? What if my sisters husband didn't beat her?

or:
What if I had gotten THAT job, or that contract,.....

The list can go on and on.

Once I had my resurrection (or sorts) I realized life is better with no regrets and little looking back.

We CANT change the past. We CAN influence our future.

I decide every day. To be happy. To face the day. To LIVE. I can either let things bog me down, or I can let it go and face my beautiful life.

Its hard sometimes. VERY hard. But I keep a quote from Shawshank redemption with me. Sounds silly. But its true:

Andy: I guess it comes down to a simple choice, really. Get busy living or get busy dying

Posted 5/12/15 5:33 PM
 

hmm
Sweet

Member since 1/14

7911 total posts

Name:

Re: Interesting thought with mothers day coming up

Posted by Paramount

Posted by LI-Joy

Posted by hmm

hmmm, glad you found peace :) I wish I could



I wish I could too. It's a life long sadness. Chat Icon



I will say that I guess since I have never desired to be a parent that I'm not sad about it. Well, I'm sad, but I wont let it stop me.

I wish I could give super duper words of advice.

What I CAN say is this. Its ok to be sad. Try to find the inner strength in you that makes you awesome. When you are feeling sad, think about one thing about yourself that you love. ALLOW yourself to put it aside. give yourself permission to be able to move on in that moment.

I will be dead honest. All my cards on the table. My biggest fear in life (beside my DH dying) is having kids, not having kids and being in a depressed state because of it.

I don't think I could survive if I focused on not having kids, and the despair it could bring. I see too many women, even on this board, who cant move on with their life. I just cant allow that to happen....I spent almost 35 years holding my childhood, holding onto the teasing and bullying. It crippled me (in a sense) for a very long time....35 years :)

Once I came up from that fog I realized what I was missing. life. Love. happiness. I could SEE what I was, and what I became. I was so damn proud of myself.

I didn't get married until I was 38. And I knew that I may or may not have kids and decided it was ok. because the alternative was not an option.

I cant live in "What if". What if I had not been bullied all those years? What if I had ONE kid that would have stood up for me? What if I had ONE friend? What if my parents didn't get divorced? What if my brother wasn't an a$$hole to me as a kid? What if my sister wasn't a drug addict? What if my sisters husband didn't beat her?

or:
What if I had gotten THAT job, or that contract,.....

The list can go on and on.

Once I had my resurrection (or sorts) I realized life is better with no regrets and little looking back.

We CANT change the past. We CAN influence our future.

I decide every day. To be happy. To face the day. To LIVE. I can either let things bog me down, or I can let it go and face my beautiful life.

Its hard sometimes. VERY hard. But I keep a quote from Shawshank redemption with me. Sounds silly. But its true:

Andy: I guess it comes down to a simple choice, really. Get busy living or get busy dying




Just re read this bc today and this week have been very emotional for me. I have been crying on and off all day.

Posted 5/20/15 10:27 PM
 
 

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