IL issue, am I over-reacting? Probably. Opinions please.

So, a lot of you know I do not love my ILs. Actually, it's just FIL & his wife.
So, they rarely see DD, dh has to take her to their house (only about 40 mins away) evry few saturday or sunday morning, they NEVER come to our house. I don't go with, bc they've done & said things that have hurt me, so I just keep myself out of the situation, and use that time to clean, cook or grocery shop..
Anyway- we do Christmas at our house. ILs don't come..they say it's a long few days for them with visiting with her family Christmas Eve and the day after Christmas. This year is DD's 1st Christmas. DH asked his dad to come in the morning and see DD open her gifts. He said he can't. He's very busy. DH said ok, come anytime during the day, we want DD to see you on Christmas..he said no, he has a lot to do with his wife's family and we live too far. He wants us to go out to his house on Dec 19th to exchange gifts. Apparently, on Christmas morning his wife wants him home to open gifts with HER sons (who are 17 & 15) and then take her mom to lunch. Then the next day they have to get up really early to drive to her brother's house upstate.
I'm hurt. I know DD will only be 9 months old and won't know..but it's her first christmas. I want pics with her grandpa by our tree. I know it's his wife putting pressure on him to spend time with her family..but he gives in and it just drives home the fact that he doesn't care so much about DH- his only child and DD- his first & only grandchild.
I told Dh I'd rather not schlep her out there on Dec 19th and have to pack up all the toys they're going to give her (that I KNOW she won't be able to use until she's 2), why can't they come to us. FIL said it's easier for us to go out there. He is only 53 and she's in her 40s.
Am I right to be hurt? I know I have to suck itup and deal with it, but everyone is telling me to just let go of it and know that we will be with MY family on Christmas eve & day and DD will have fun with us. She's at that amazing age right now, and I kjnow she's going to love opening the paper and seeing new toys.
IDK..maybe I'm over-reacting ?
Sorry this is so long. WDYT?

Re: IL issue, am I over-reacting? Probably. Opinions please.

I honestly do not think you are overreacting at all. I would be so upset if my FIL did this. We also live 40 minutes away from IL's and we see them ALL THE TIME. We go there, they come here, it is a give and take.

The fact that they say it is easier to bring a 9month old anywhere shows that they are out of touch with reality. I would stand my ground on this. Do not go to them. If he truly wants a relationship with his grandaughter he has to put forth an effort.

Re: IL issue, am I over-reacting? Probably. Opinions please.

I don't think you are overreacting, besides, you are entitled to feel however you feel. It sounds like your FIL is making lots of excuses as to why he can't come to see your DD on christmas day so I would just drop it. It seems like you are the one making most of the effort so I would stop. While it would be great if DD"s grandpa was a big part of her life, you can't make that happen, only he can. If he's not there for her 1st christmas, that's on him. The same holds true for every other event and his participation in her life in general.

As for you guys having to take her gifts over there on the 19th for her to open, that's crazy! WHy would you take your gifts for her there at all? If they want to see her open gifts, it should be whatever they are giving her, nothing else. I think you should consider maybe going on the 19th IF you want DD to see them around the christmas holidays, but it should not involve you changing any of your traditions to accommodate them.

Finally, I noticed that you sort of blame your FIL's wife for FIL's behavior but remember that he's a grown man who makes his own decisions - if seeing your DD was a priority of his, he's make it happen regardless of what his wife needed/wanted.

Re: IL issue, am I over-reacting? Probably. Opinions please.

You are allowed to feel however you feel -

I will say though, that I'm sure your DH is more hurt than you are about his own father refusing to make an effort for his daughter ........so no matter how much it may kill you, if your DH wants to cave to his Dad's wife's whims, I'd just give him and let it be known you will NOT be making a habit of it -
Say your peace, make your point re: your FIL being totally ridiculous and choosing ONLY his wife's family (he's 'too busy' to spend an hour w/ his grandchild????) and then let it go -

Re: IL issue, am I over-reacting? Probably. Opinions please.

Message edited 11/29/2010 9:24:37 AM.

Re: IL issue, am I over-reacting? Probably. Opinions please.

I am so sorry for your DH.

Your DD won't know what she's missing since she will be overloaded with love and family from your side.

You have your side of the family who care.

Poor DH probably feels hurt that he dad won't make any effort to come to you guys.

I hate when people remarry and cast off their kids for their "new family". I can't understand how people do this.

Is it possible they won't come to your house for the same reason you won't go there-they want to see DH and DC without you because of the bad blood?

40 minutes is not a long drive at all IMO and that is just a silly excuse. I could see maybe not Christmas morning since they still have kids in the house, but surely they could come out sometime that day

Re: IL issue, am I over-reacting? Probably. Opinions please.

You are not overreacting at all. I would be devastated for my DD too if that was me. I would put my foot down- it's NOT easier for you to travel with a BABY to go to them, they should come to YOU. don't go out of your way to make it convenient for them when it seems that they really couldn't be bothered. your DD and DH are better off. perhaps it's a wake up call to your DH that his father is who he is.

sorry that you are going through this.

Re: IL issue, am I over-reacting? Probably. Opinions please.

I agree with the PP that maybe take it as a blessing you don't have to deal with these people on the holiday.

But no, you are not overreacting, you are entitled to feel hurt. For the sake of your DH feeling worse, maybe its just best to let it be. Don't let them screw up your holiday for you!