I have to vent...

Well, this is a long one...

One of my closest friends is getting married in June and asked me to be a bridesmaid... the wedding is out of town, about 3 hours away, and she told me upfront no babies, but that she would arrange for babysitting at the hotel. At the time I told her we would probably just leave Alex with my mom for the weekend (this is when I was still pregnant).

Fast forward to last week... after leaving Alex with my mom twice DH and I realized that she's totally and completely incompetent with Alex and unable to care for her for an extended period of time (I'll get into that another day!). So I talked to my friend and told her that we'll use the babysitter because my mom won't be able to take Alex for the weekend (DH's family is in Israel and we have literally no one else who can care for her overnight). So she tells me that she's no longer arranging for a babysitter and starts pressuring me to just leave Alex with my mom, but that would require that we leave her with my mom for 4 full days... then she suggested that we just leave her with a babysitter here. I tried to explain to her that I can't leave my baby with a babysitter we hardly know for 4 days/3 nights... so I talked to DH about it and he's so angry about the situation and has decided he's just not going and he'll watch Alex... I emailed her to tell her that DH won't be coming to the wedding and that I'll drive down Friday night for the rehearsal dinner and drive back up Saturday night after the wedding. Now she won't speak to me... and I hear from a mutual friend that she's furious with me.

I feel like I'm compromising enough as it is, but now she won't even speak to me. Am I wrong?? What else can I do???

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I dont think your wrong at all... I dont think I would leave my baby for 3-4 days with "just anyone" let alone someone you felt was not able tot take care of her...

I think Dh staying home with Alex..is a great compromise!!!! I dont know what more you couldve done!!!!

Call her out on it... Ask her "what do you want me to do?" If she's so furious with you, maybe you better off staying home too...

You'd prob. enjoy yourself more home with Alex and Gadi, then at a wedding where the bride isnt even talking to you

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No you are NOT wrong. What she is doing is completely inconsiderate and wrong. If I were the bride I would make an exception for my closest friend and allow you to bring your daughter esp. considering that you live 3 hrs away and have no one to care for her. What I would do is try to talk to her again and explain the situation. If she still doesn't understand and continues to be mad at you, then I would back out. I'd be too ****** off to let this go and act like nothing is wrong on the day of her wedding.

Sorry you are going through this.

Message edited 12/19/2005 12:07:18 PM.

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SHE'S not speaking to YOU because you had to make your DH stay home with the baby in order to be able to attend her wedding? Or is it because now you won't be staying as long?

Either way, it's ridiculous. You are doing what you can to accomodate the situation. You already had to leave DH behind so what right does she have to be angry with you? It's not like you said "well then I'm not going".

You ARE compromising enough as it is. I wouldn't even bother with any further explanation. Sometimes a bride just can't reasoned with. She'll eventually get over it.

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Ok, thank you SOOOO much ladies... I felt like I was going crazy. I really don't know what she wants me to do... she just kept saying that she thinks DH and I need "alone" time and wants us to enjoy ourselves for the weekend. Thing is, there's no way I'll enjoy myself if Alex isn't in good hands. I kept saying "what do you want me to do" - she really thinks I can just leave her with my mom for 4 days and that I'm being stubborn, but I swear, one day I'll get into it on a post, I love her loads, but my mom really can't take care of a baby.

As it is, if I go alone Friday night to Saturday night, hubby is going to be absolutely furious with me. He keeps telling me that my family should come first and I should just back out of the wedding if she can't work with us to find a solution. So, as it is, with the compromise I'm making he won't speak to me for weeks when I get back, I'm sure.... but I feel like I owe her becuase she's such a good friend and was there for me at my wedding. It's a horrible situation I would really hate for our friendship to end because of this, but I have a feeling it will...

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Wow, I totally don't think you are wrong. What you thought would work isn't going to, you found the only work around that works for you (since she doesn't want to help you get a babysitter up there) AND you're giving her 6 months notice that your plans are changing? Seems totally reasonable to me.

If you REALLY wanted DH to go and keep the peace with your friend, a lot of hotels have lists of babysitters that they recommend. But to be honest I wouldn't go to all that effort if she isn't willing to help you. I would like for someone I know to meet the babysitter to make sure they are responsible, and not the hotel manager's 14 year old daughter. JMO.

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Pressuring you to leave your baby with someone you say is not up to taking care of an infant is just plain selfish. Since you are one of her closest friends, I would imagine it's just that she's gone bridal crazy and doesn't realize she's saying. I assume she's not normally like this - or you wouldn't be friends with her.

My guess is she's upset because you're going to be driving back & forth. She probably had this idea of how her wedding day would be spent with her friends and now you won't be there.

You have compromised a tremendous amount & shouldn't feel guilty about this. We all know that brides can be unreasonable, their "day", etc. Would you consider having DH stay with you at the hotel, so you're not doing all this driving and you can see your baby easier? Ask her if the entire time is baby-free or if she will allow the baby to go to the rehearsal dinner. Say that you don't want to take away from her day, but that you aren't comfortable sticking your husband in a hotel for 2 days.

I know this is hard for you. On the flip side, I can assure you that having your baby at the wedding isn't any easier. Picture crying baby, only mom can console & the photographer wants pictures. I've done that - it isn't fun.

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I don't think you're wrong at all. She's being a total bridezilla and a very bad friend to make you feel bad & guilty all around. How about bringing Mom with you? She can stay at the hotel with the baby and that way your hubby can go to the wedding? Just a thought if you wanted to keep everyone happy.

Honestly though, I think your friend is being completely unreasonable. And it's definitely not her place to suggest what you and your husband need...that's for you two to decide.

My cousin pulled the same deal on me. She had a destination wedding and expected me to leave the baby with my mother, etc. for five days. Heck no!! What new Mom wants to be away from their babies for extended periods of time??

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Wow I would think that she would b e happy your still willing to be in the bridal party and compromising plenty with leaving your Dh home with Alex. I don 't know w hy she would be annoyed with you. Your also doing her a favor and saving her money since DH won't be coming with you she doesn't have to pay for his plate LOL sorry thought I would try to make you laugh.

I would call her and ask her what is her problem your doing all you can to abide by what she wants

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Message edited 12/19/2005 12:36:55 PM.

Re: I have to vent...

I guess I don't know you very well so I can say that I think both your husband and your friend are being totally selfish and unfair to you. I have never left Molly with anyone other than my husband for more than 2 nights...and she was 20 months old when we did that (for a wedding). If I had a young baby I would not leave her for 4 days with anyone other than her father. Your mother, obviously has a few issues that prevent her from caring for a young infant. It is very hard work! I could NEVER leave for even a hour if I felt Molly was not in safe, capable hands. I would just never do that.

So I suggest that you tell your friend that you love her and want to be with her on this very special day. You will come to the RD and to the wedding and you will leave Sunday morning. I don't suggest driving that distance after a wedding on Sat. night. JMO.
Then I would sit down and speak to your husband. Why is he adding to this stressful situation? If he is not going to speak to you for days because he doesn't like your decision then you have other martial issues than this. Again JMO, but I can't imagine my husband not speaking to me for days let alone because I had to figure out a difficult situation. If he can't understand that this girl is your friend and is obviously just in the throws of wedding planning (which we ALL know is stressful to begin with) and not thinking about the situation clearly then he is being just as unfair and mean as your friend is.

I am really sorry that no one seems to be able to care about how YOU feel and that you are trying to do the best for everyone.

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I can't believe this is STILL an issue for you guys! I still think it's unfair for her to put you in this situation...you're a new mom! I know it's hard to think that this may sever your relationship...but if it does, perhaps she was never a *true* friend. FAmily should be first..and if there isn't another avenue for you to take she should be willing to allow Alex - she shouldn't want to cause a rift just like you don't want to...

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Sometimes people don't understand the responsibility of being a parent and leaving their child with others. I'm sure down the road, when your friend has children, she'll understand.

Re: I have to vent...

You are not wrong at all.. I think you really need to talk to your friend and explain to her that this is her special day..and you really wantt to be there, being a mom and tkaing care of another person is not a part time job that you can just leave for 4 days.. Even if you workl full time being a parent is still a 24 hour a day 7 days a week 365 days a year job. I have left Jillian only with family members..we left her for 2 days with my inlaws.. they are totally comitant to take care of her. I only once have left her with my parents.... I hope it all works out.. you really need to have a talk to her and really knock her out of bridzilla mode and show her that you good friends and you care about her but you are totally in two different places in your life...and she really need to understand

Good luck

Re: I have to vent...

sorry hit sumit twice

Message edited 12/19/2005 2:05:57 PM.

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Re: I have to vent...

Posted by michele31

"I guess I don't know you very well so I can say.....

If he is not going to speak to you for days because he doesn't like your decision then you have other martial issues than this."

Wow, nice sentiment Michele. You don't know the girl but you're ready to go there and make all sorts of generalizations about her husband and the status of their marriage???
Since you don't know her or her situation, I would think that would be more of a reason to maybe be a little more considerate when choosing your words

Re: I have to vent...

I think you are completely, 100% right in this. Your friend is being very unfair. I would sit down and talk to your DH, tell him that although you are disappointed in the way your friend is acting, it is important to you that you go to the wedding.
Maybe he can go to DC with you (I think that's where you said the wedding was), you can go to the wedding while he stays with your daughter, and make the rest of your time there a family trip. Maybe do a day or 2 of sightseeing, just you, DH and your daughter.

Good luck. It $ucks to be put in that situation

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I am getting married in March. I am also having an adult only reception but my sisters babies and any other BMs kids are most definitely allowed to come. They are my only exceptions!!

You should let her know that you being in the bridal party should allow you special privledges. The other guests wont care.

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Message edited 2/8/2007 11:04:27 AM.

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I was commenting on HER words about her husband not speaking to her for a few days. I was not making that up. I find that unfair.
She has clarified what she meant by that so now I see why she wrote that. I will still say that I don't agree with not being spoken to for days on end about something like this.

In the end I think that a lot of people are putting this women in an impossible situation. Seems like no matter what she does someone will be mad at her. That always $ucks.

I did not allow babies at my wedding or children other than our niece and 2 nephews. If this bride allows one baby she could end up with 10 other moms wanting to bring their babies. So if you do make that rule a bride needs to know that some people will not be able to attend since their children, should come first.

Message edited 12/19/2005 3:18:42 PM.

Re: I have to vent...

WOW.....

My only suggestion would be to start interviewing/using a babysitter now and maybe take them with you and let them stay in the hotel room while you go to the wedding.

I did it many years ago for a coworker--they paid for my hotel room, I got to ride in the limo with them, etc. They took the baby to the wedding for a bit (me too) and then when she got cranky--off I went back to their room with her to go to bed.

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Oh Beth I am so sorry this is such a headache for you still. I was hoping by the time it rolled around things would have worked themselves out.
I totally understand how frustrating it is to realize you mom can't care for your child. I am realizing this about my mom. Her health issues just make me too nervous and while I know she loves Miranda to death I would never have a good time leaving her with my mom let alone for 4 days.
I do feel that your friend unfortunately is being totally unreasonable about this but I know that until I became a mother myself I never understood how difficult so many things about being a mom are. At this point I think I would have issues about being in her wedding only because I would be so upset that she's not willing to meet in the middle at all.
I don't know if I have any suggestions other than what you have already come up with and this is your DH staying home and you going. I hope he doesn't stay upset with you for this. While I am sure you and him would love some alone time it's certainly not your friends place to dictate when that should be.
Good Luck, I hope everything works out. DH just loves you and his daughter and I'm sure in his mind he is defending his family.

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You are Totally NOT WRONG..

I can't believe how selfish people can be.. it just pisses me off.