I got some very sad news. How do I approach DD about it?

Yesterday I got a phone call that the director of Talia's school (and a friend of mine) passed away. She died a very tragic and sudden death. We are all devistated (she was only in her 30's).

School is closed today and tomorrow and monday - and then who knows what is going to be moving forward. We are not sure if they are staying open for the year - or reopening next year, etc...

The directors 2 children go to the school, and her mother is one of Talia's teachers. the school asked us to tell the kids on our own what happened.

Talia knows something is up...she said there was a problem at school today, but couldn't explain what the problem was. I know I have to tell her,for many reasons, but I am really not sure how to break it to her. (Especially when I am dealing with my own emotions about the event).

ANY advice would be appreciated. I'm at a loss.

Re: I got some very sad news. How do I approach DD about it?

Oy Oy Oy... I'm just so sorry Jen How incredibly awful.

I really do think that they should have someone at the school speak to all the children. When something like this happened at Alex's school, the Rabbi came in for a few days and sat down with the children to talk to them about what happened, to answer their questions, etc. If there's a way that someone can do that, I think it would really help to do something like that as a group.

Otherwise, when my father passed, the way I explained it to Alex was as truthfully as possible. She asked me why I was sad and crying and I told her it was because Grandpa could no longer be with us. I told her that he got very sick and that the doctors couldn't help him anymore. She had a lot of questions and I answered them as truthfully as possible, without scaring her - I don't believe in God so I didn't say anything like he's in heaven with God, but instead I said that he was so sick that he couldn't stay here anymore, and he had to leave, and now he's flying in the sky like a butterfly.

Now, everytime she sees a butterfly, she thinks it's her Grandpa coming to say hi

I also think it would be tremendously helpful for you to explain to her how the Director's children must be really, really, sad right now, and that it would be wonderful if she could play with them to help them forget, or feel better.

I'm just so sorry... there's never an easy way to deal with this kind of thing or explain it to a child

Re: I got some very sad news. How do I approach DD about it?

I'm so sorry, Jenn. I don't have experience with my own kids yet, but I do have experience with grief counseling. I would just tell her the truth. That her teacher died and that you are all very upset and that it's ok to be upset and cry and talk about her - or not want to talk about it right away. I know there are also very good age-appropriate books out there.

Re: I got some very sad news. How do I approach DD about it?

How awful

My nephews mother passed away very suddenly at a young age and he went for grivance counseling for children...

For some reason I had thought my BIL told me that they were not supposed to say that she got "sick" but more along the lines of her body stopped working ...That they did not want children to fear for themselves or others when they became "sick" and I found that interesting...

Maybe I am not remembering it correctly and I would love to hear others feedback of what they have been told, or from PP who is experienced with these issues...

I am very sorry, what a tragedy

Re: I got some very sad news. How do I approach DD about it?

DC's ped (and my former Scoutmaster, and a good friend for 25+ years) died recently, so I had to explain to DS what happened. I was honest with him, but made sure not to generalize things too much. I didn't want him to think that the same thing would happen to me (he had a heart attack) anytime soon. I think the more honest you are (of course, adjusting things for DC's age), the better it is for everyone involved.

Re: I got some very sad news. How do I approach DD about it?

This is from a pamphlet I got at a funeral yesterday . . .

"Even very young children grieve, and, like adults, if they are not allowed to express their feelings they will hide until they come out later, often in debilitating ways. Listen and answer the children's questions. Be honest. Don't tell a child someone who has died is sleeping or has loved away. Be open to whatever questions they have, Never let them feel that something they say about grief is silly. Be present and available. Don't try to force them through grief on your timetable."

There is a bunch more, but I thought that was the most relevant stuff.

Re: I got some very sad news. How do I approach DD about it?

First of all, I am so very sorry for your loss.
We had a lot of loss this summer in our family and DD was very curious. She even caught a glimpse of my grandmother laid out in the funeral home while were saying good-bye so she had lots of questions.

I would just be very honest as others have said. Spare her the gory details but as simply as possible, tell her what happened and that she is now in a better place. My DD now tell lots of people that her Uncle Jack and GiGi are in heaven having a party together. I am not sure she understands but it did help her when she was scared and confused.

Re: I got some very sad news. How do I approach DD about it?

I just went thru this pretty recently with my dd (4 in november) when my mom died in May. My mom and dd were best friends so I was especially worried about explaining it to her.

Unfortunately, she saw her and knew she was sick. When she died, I just did my best to explain it to her in child terms. I dont know what I believe in any more (regarding god, heaven, etc.) but for her sake I told her my mom was in heaven with god. She handled it ok.
But, from then until now, when people got sick she said they were going to die

Definitely dont say she got sick. It may take her a while to fully understand it. My daughter still asks me questions about my mom and why she died and how come she just cant come back to life. It's so hard for them to grasp the concept of death.

Re: I got some very sad news. How do I approach DD about it?

I'm sorry for your loss.

Unfortunately, I have no advice for you.

Good Luck!

Re: I got some very sad news. How do I approach DD about it?

How tragic!!!!!!

Children don't understand death like we do. They don't understand that people do not come back. They do but not like us. Their sense of "time" is different.

I think a Child Grief Cunselor might be the best idea. They understand better how children deal with death.

I personally like to explain things in a short and simple way. Children do not really understand lengthy and complicated explanation.

Message edited 9/24/2009 11:55:33 AM.

Re: I got some very sad news. How do I approach DD about it?

I'm not sure how I would approach it - I guess it depends on the age/maturity of DC. How old is your DC?

Re: I got some very sad news. How do I approach DD about it?

I just went through this when I lost my mom 2 months ago to a freak accident. I just told my 2 kids that grandma had a bad accident and is not with us anymore, she is in heaven. I told them thay she will always be with them in their hearts and she will always be watching over them from heaven.

And I am so sorry for your loss:(

Re: I got some very sad news. How do I approach DD about it?

No advice, I just wanted to say that I am sorry for your loss