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mitabtrfly
Member since 12/06 2770 total posts
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How would you feel if your brother/sister in law said this to you? UPDATE
Scenario... you've been in the family for 2-1/2 years - married for 1 and you express to them you are hurt over something and get this response:
" I think you have gone out of your way to offend me and my parents and who you really don't know"
Is there a time frame involved with being allowed to express hurt to the family you married into?
** update***
I actually went to my weekly working mother group to vent and brought this up and was given some clarity on it. I realize I did overstep my boundary and acted like a "daughter" instead of a "daughter in law" and spoke for my DH when he should have been the one to say it. Not easy to swallow..but I will.
Thanks everyone!
Message edited 10/24/2007 2:45:18 PM.
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Posted 10/24/07 10:02 AM  |
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Long Island Weddings
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ladybug78
LIF Adolescent
Member since 1/06 719 total posts
Name:
K
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Re: How would you feel if your brother/sister in law said this to you?
Wow...I would feel very hurt.
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| Posted 10/24/07 10:04 AM |
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4monkeys
boys will be boys =)
Member since 9/05 7205 total posts
Name:
:)
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Re: How would you feel if your brother/sister in law said this to you?
you told them you were hurt, and they respond by telling you they were hurt ?
I cant give advice with such little details. butI can say that there is NO time frame to express how you feel.
of course do it as nicely as possible, stand up for yourself, and be respectful about it..
hopefully its all just nothing to worry about and you can talk it out.
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| Posted 10/24/07 10:05 AM |
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mitabtrfly
Member since 12/06 2770 total posts
Name:
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Re: How would you feel if your brother/sister in law said this to you?
Posted by anna
you told them you were hurt, and they respond by telling you they were hurt ?
I cant give advice with such little details. butI can say that there is NO time frame to express how you feel.
of course do it as nicely as possible, stand up for yourself, and be respectful about it..
hopefully its all just nothing to worry about and you can talk it out.
I sent an email saying WE were hurt because no one called us for our first wedding anniversary. The only person who responded..was my brother in law That was all...i said nothing else.
Message edited 10/24/2007 10:07:50 AM.
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| Posted 10/24/07 10:06 AM |
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MrsPJB2007
MBA at your service!
Member since 7/06 12020 total posts
Name:
MJ
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Re: How would you feel if your brother/sister in law said this to you?
Posted by mitabtrfly
I sent an email saying WE were hurt because no one called us for our first wedding anniversary. The only person who responded..was my brother in law That was all...i said nothing else.
i think someone had posted a similiar thing the other day about being hurt that the family didn't acknowledge the first anniversary---and i understand that you were hurt by this.....BUT i have to say that the other ppl who are required to remember your first anniversary are you and DH. sometimes family just don't think about things like that.....but i wouldn't be hurt that they didn't call...would it have been nice? sure--but its not required.
BUT it sounds like there is a LOT more going on within the family than just a missed anniversary. was this msg from the same family member that you have posted about having issues with before? (i believe your BIL?)
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| Posted 10/24/07 10:12 AM |
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Sassyz75
Turning a new page
Member since 5/05 9731 total posts
Name:
Dina
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Re: How would you feel if your brother/sister in law said this to you?
Posted by mitabtrfly
Posted by anna
you told them you were hurt, and they respond by telling you they were hurt ?
I cant give advice with such little details. butI can say that there is NO time frame to express how you feel.
of course do it as nicely as possible, stand up for yourself, and be respectful about it..
hopefully its all just nothing to worry about and you can talk it out.
I sent an email saying WE were hurt because no one called us for our first wedding anniversary. The only person who responded..was my brother in law That was all...i said nothing else.
Maybe something along the lines about being hurt re: wedding anniversary would have been better accepted coming from your DH and not from you? I know I let my DH deal with all issues on his side of the family and likewise me on my side of the family....
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| Posted 10/24/07 10:13 AM |
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GioiaMia
Let's Go Rangers!
Member since 1/07 14818 total posts
Name:
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Re: How would you feel if your brother/sister in law said this to you?
I have been with my FH for almost ten years at this point and we follow the rule that we each deal with our own families.
While I would NOT be upset if anyone forgot my anniversary ( except of course FH/DH ) if I WERE upset about it I would express that to FH and he would talk to his family and vice versa.
This has worked for us in the past and we will continue to follow this rule. Basically, even though I have been in the family for so long - I just feel that he knows how to deal with them better and he knows what will set them off and how to talk to them.
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| Posted 10/24/07 10:14 AM |
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MrsPJB2007
MBA at your service!
Member since 7/06 12020 total posts
Name:
MJ
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Re: How would you feel if your brother/sister in law said this to you?
Posted by Tilde
I have been with my FH for almost ten years at this point and we follow the rule that we each deal with our own families.
While I would NOT be upset if anyone forgot my anniversary ( except of course FH/DH ) if I WERE upset about it I would express that to FH and he would talk to his family and vice versa.
This has worked for us in the past and we will continue to follow this rule. Basically, even though I have been in the family for so long - I just feel that he knows how to deal with them better and he knows what will set them off and how to talk to them.
ITA
i think sending the email from you saying you AND DH were upset--(and i'm not being mean -- just giving you the point of view from his side that were mean to you)--it makes YOU seem like you are the overbearing wife sending a msg and speaking for the BOTH of you. this may have been one of those things that DH should have dealt with and not you.
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| Posted 10/24/07 10:16 AM |
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alnem
This is gonna be a good year!
Member since 2/06 9562 total posts
Name:
Emily
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Re: How would you feel if your brother/sister in law said this to you?
Posted by Sassyz75
Posted by mitabtrfly
Posted by anna
you told them you were hurt, and they respond by telling you they were hurt ?
I cant give advice with such little details. butI can say that there is NO time frame to express how you feel.
of course do it as nicely as possible, stand up for yourself, and be respectful about it..
hopefully its all just nothing to worry about and you can talk it out.
I sent an email saying WE were hurt because no one called us for our first wedding anniversary. The only person who responded..was my brother in law That was all...i said nothing else.
Maybe something along the lines about being hurt re: wedding anniversary would have been better accepted coming from your DH and not from you? I know I let my DH deal with all issues on his side of the family and likewise me on my side of the family....
i have to agree. and in all honesty, i dont think i'd really care if they didnt wish us a happy anniversary as long as DH didnt forget, lol. and if something was bugging me about DH's family I would have him address it and vice versa if it were my family.
ETA: to answer your question. yes, it would hurt me immensely to get an email like that from an IL. BUT, i would never let it get to the point where something like that was said. i would let DH deal with it.
Message edited 10/24/2007 10:17:37 AM.
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| Posted 10/24/07 10:16 AM |
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4monkeys
boys will be boys =)
Member since 9/05 7205 total posts
Name:
:)
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Re: How would you feel if your brother/sister in law said this to you?
i agree with the above posters. maybe there are other issues involved.
esp if they said you went out of your way to offend them, in response to that type of email ?
sounds like theyre holding a grudge.
and they could have at least called your hubby to say happy anniv if they did want to show they remembered.
I wouldnt let it get to you. are you close to them?
After three kids, and 8 kids in the family total (incl cousins). we really have so much going on, that if one forgets something and antoher remmbers, we laugh about it.
life is too short. enjoy your hubby and your marriage.
maybe send them pics of what you did on your annivesary.
 
dont sweat it.
Message edited 10/24/2007 10:18:22 AM.
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| Posted 10/24/07 10:17 AM |
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nowanjgirl
LIF Infant
Member since 6/05 143 total posts
Name:
Marlow
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Re: How would you feel if your brother/sister in law said this to you?
I would be hurt but I would not send a email to my family or my husband's family about not calling for our first anniversary.
To keep everything in perspective, I've been married for 4years ( DH and I have been together for 10 years). I've learned that our families are different and I accept that, I love both families. I wouldn't be upset if no one called for our anniversary.
My wedding anniversary is important to DH and I so I really don't care if anyone remembers or calls or sends a card.
Just my opinion...
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| Posted 10/24/07 10:22 AM |
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Porrruss
Nya nya nya
Member since 5/05 11618 total posts
Name:
Amy
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Re: How would you feel if your brother/sister in law said this to you?
I have to agree with the PPS. DH deals with HIS side, I deal with mine.
I also never remember ANYONE'S anniversary.... and I think I would be annoyed if SIL emailed me about being disappointed that I didn't remember. You should have let DH send out the email.....
Sorry it wasn't want what you wanted to hear....
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| Posted 10/24/07 10:26 AM |
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Ginger123
Sooo happy
Member since 8/07 1235 total posts
Name:
dana
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Re: How would you feel if your brother/sister in law said this to you?
I dont want to sound mean or inflict my ways of life on you ... but it seems that you are upset about something (anniversary) that doesnt matter to other people... if that really is the issue sounds like a non issue
Message edited 10/24/2007 12:47:53 PM.
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| Posted 10/24/07 11:22 AM |
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dgirl
LIF Adult
Member since 5/07 1079 total posts
Name:
Danielle
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Re: How would you feel if your brother/sister in law said this to you?
Posted by Tilde
I have been with my FH for almost ten years at this point and we follow the rule that we each deal with our own families.
While I would NOT be upset if anyone forgot my anniversary ( except of course FH/DH ) if I WERE upset about it I would express that to FH and he would talk to his family and vice versa.
This has worked for us in the past and we will continue to follow this rule. Basically, even though I have been in the family for so long - I just feel that he knows how to deal with them better and he knows what will set them off and how to talk to them.
I agree with this. I've been with DH for 8 years, married for 7 months and this is how we do things. Regarding anniversaries, I wouldn't mind if it wasn't acknowledged unless it was DH forgetting.
There are times though, when he's been upset with someone in his own family or hurt by them and I've said something, but I do it as a completely neutral party. Like if it was his sister, I'd say something like "DH has been a little stressed out lately and was kind of hurt by xyz. I'm sure you didn't mean it, but if he was acting a little strange or distant, this is probably why". And then the person will usually either talk to him or me about it.
It would have to be something pretty major though for me to get involved like that and it's only happened once or twice in 8 years. I also think these things are better addressed when you are calm so as not to put the other person on the defensive, and also in person so that they can hear your tone of voice and see your facial expression.
Good luck!
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| Posted 10/24/07 11:47 AM |
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CookiePuss
Cake from Outer Space!
Member since 5/05 14007 total posts
Name:
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Re: How would you feel if your brother/sister in law said this to you?
Posted by mitabtrfly
Posted by anna
you told them you were hurt, and they respond by telling you they were hurt ?
I cant give advice with such little details. butI can say that there is NO time frame to express how you feel.
of course do it as nicely as possible, stand up for yourself, and be respectful about it..
hopefully its all just nothing to worry about and you can talk it out.
I sent an email saying WE were hurt because no one called us for our first wedding anniversary. The only person who responded..was my brother in law That was all...i said nothing else.
If I were to get an email saying that my SIL was hurt because I forgot her anniversary, I would offended.
I honestly don't expect anyone to care about my anniversary. It's a special day for my DH and I to remember and honor the love and commitment we made to each other. I don't think it involves anyone else.
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| Posted 10/24/07 11:57 AM |
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munchkinbugs
My little loves!
Member since 1/06 8093 total posts
Name:
Lisa
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Re: How would you feel if your brother/sister in law said this to you?
Posted by Tilde
I have been with my FH for almost ten years at this point and we follow the rule that we each deal with our own families.
While I would NOT be upset if anyone forgot my anniversary ( except of course FH/DH ) if I WERE upset about it I would express that to FH and he would talk to his family and vice versa.
This has worked for us in the past and we will continue to follow this rule. Basically, even though I have been in the family for so long - I just feel that he knows how to deal with them better and he knows what will set them off and how to talk to them.
ITA
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| Posted 10/24/07 12:04 PM |
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EmmaNick
*
Member since 12/06 16001 total posts
Name:
*
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Re: How would you feel if your brother/sister in law said this to you?
Posted by Ginger123
I dont want to sound mean or inflict my ways of life on you ... but it seems that you are upset about something (anniversary) that doesnt matter to other people... if that really is the issue sound slike a non issue
I agree
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| Posted 10/24/07 12:29 PM |
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MarisaK
HELLO Manolo !!
Member since 5/06 14562 total posts
Name:
Marisa
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Re: How would you feel if your brother/sister in law said this to you?
Just take it as a learning experience as to how to deal w/ your ILs .....I don't know why they'd be 'offended' that you were upset, or expressed being upset -
I could maybe understand them thinking you were being petty or something, but that's they way they feel vs. the way you feel ..........-
In the future, let your DH deal w/ his side of the family - He will know how to deal with them and when it's a good fight, or when it's one to just squash and let roll off your back -
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| Posted 10/24/07 12:29 PM |
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mitabtrfly
Member since 12/06 2770 total posts
Name:
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Re: How would you feel if your brother/sister in law said this to you?
Posted by MarisaK
Just take it as a learning experience as to how to deal w/ your ILs .....I don't know why they'd be 'offended' that you were upset, or expressed being upset -
I could maybe understand them thinking you were being petty or something, but that's they way they feel vs. the way you feel ..........-
In the future, let your DH deal w/ his side of the family - He will know how to deal with them and when it's a good fight, or when it's one to just squash and let roll off your back -
Thanks..I actually went to my weekly working mother group to vent and brought this up and was given some clarity on it. I realize I did overstep my boundary and acted like a "daughter" instead of a "daughter in law" and spoke for my DH when he should have been the one to say it. Not easy to swallow..but I will.
Thanks everyone!
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| Posted 10/24/07 2:44 PM |
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Kara
Now Zagat Rated!
Member since 3/07 13217 total posts
Name:
They call me "Tater Salad"
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Re: How would you feel if your brother/sister in law said this to you? UPDATE
Posted by Tilde
I have been with my FH for almost ten years at this point and we follow the rule that we each deal with our own families.
While I would NOT be upset if anyone forgot my anniversary ( except of course FH/DH ) if I WERE upset about it I would express that to FH and he would talk to his family and vice versa.
This has worked for us in the past and we will continue to follow this rule. Basically, even though I have been in the family for so long - I just feel that he knows how to deal with them better and he knows what will set them off and how to talk to them.
I agree with this completely.
I have a SIL that has overstepped the boundaries so many times ans way too much drama in our family over things that aren't reallythat important. It causes a LOT of resentment. Things like birthays and anniversaries are NOT worth causing this kind of drama. I understand that you may feel like it's a big deal at the time - but it's NOT a big deal to everyone. It's not worth creating drama over... honestly.
IMHO, no one but my husband has to remember our anniversary... but that's a whole other thread. 
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| Posted 10/24/07 3:11 PM |
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