How much free time do you get vs dh?

We have two girls age 23 months and 6 weeks. DH works 45-50 hours a week.
I work from home running a licensed group daycare. Its really tough to work all day 6am-7pm taking care of 10 other kids plus my own 2.

In the past 6 weeks DH has been out a lot. It was his 30th birthday so he went out with friends 3 sperate times. I didn't complain, even though it was hard on me being alone with the girls 3 seperate weekend nights. Now this weekend he went ahead and purchased movie tickets with his friends and wants go out to dinner with them afterwards. This was after he told me last week he was going to make reservations for us to go out eat by ourselves. Guess he forgot about the reservations or the fact that I never get out.

I have been out once without the girls and that was to run to cvs to pick up medications. I actually drove around for an extra 10 minutes just to feel free for a few minutes.

What really drives me crazy is I get up and get both girls ready and take them with me to daycare (seperate floor of our home) and he sleeps until 9:00 am. He gets up and helps me get them ready and climbs back into bed or lays on the couch watching tv. I am starting resent him and I am so jealous of his free time. This might sound crazy but he gets 3 hours free every morning to get ready, he has a 45 min drive to work and home that he has alone time, and he has an hour lunch everyday. I have nothing, except the few hours a night I sleep, and my shower which is 15 mins tops.

I guess I want to know what its like for all you other moms, especially sahm and wahm?

How much free time do you get vs dh?

When I was a sahm (1st yr of Dds life) I took the most responsibility for her with getting up early, getting her ready, etc. now that we both work I expect him to help me and let him know what I need from him. My husband is best when given directions and I'm bossy so it works well lol. I go out with girlfriends once or twice a month and he plays basketball with his friends every weekend so we both has time to ourselves. Have you spoken with your husband about what you need from him? Even now I get up early with our daughter more than he does but we have discussed it an hell be taking more initiative.

Good luck!

Re: How much free time do you get vs dh?

I think many times the mom does more and gets less free time, even if she works, etc. BUT I do not think it's okay.

I notice that I have to speak up and be specific a lot in order to get my own free time to do whatever- exercise, be with friends, take a breath! LOL

I think my DH has caught on in the past 12 months but I continuously have to speak up and initiate my own time. And say, "I need to do this and I need you to do this".

He plays softball one night a week so I make a point to make some kind of plan once a week with friends.

Re: How much free time do you get vs dh?

DH does a lot of work related outings. He probably goes out at least once a week for dinner. He will play golf or tennis with professional colleagues. There are also conferences, courses, grand rounds, etc. He always claims it is work but he still gets out a lot more than I do.

I probably get about 2-4 hours per week depending on the week.

Dh usually lets me sleep in on weekends and fixes the kids breakfast. I also go to the spa once a week. I rotate weeks and either get a mani/pedi or massage.

We moved last year so I don't have many non-mommy friends to go out with at night.

After we had our DS#2 and still lived in Manhattan, I went out all the time at night pushing the little one around in the stroller. I would meet up with my childless friends. I would drag them to Toys R Us in Times Square to buy pacifiers, we'd buy ice cream and walk around the city. I remember very clearly seeing touristy ppl give me a strange look pushing a stroller around so late at night. It was fun. I can no longer do that since we moved to DC. If we still lived in Manhattan, I probably would still push a sleeping baby around in a stroller at night. I would not bother with the subway, taxis or buses. I was a complete pedestrian with a stroller.

Message edited 7/18/2012 7:48:42 PM.

Re: How much free time do you get vs dh?

i'm a sahm. I also go to school 3 nights a week. DH works 9 to 5 on weekdays.
i must admit we split it pretty even. i have DS all day while he's at work. DH deals with DS at all other times.

i have night time duty, but DS usually calls for daddy so even when i go in to his room DH eventually has to come in. DH wwakes up around 6:30 and deals with DS until he goes to work. I lay around or sleep in until he kisses me good bye. I deal with DS all day. When DH gets home (around 7) we eat dinner and then he'll play with him while i do homework or housework or just go take a bath.
weekends we see both sets of grandparents. DH usually goes to his parents for the whole day saturday (9-9) while i stay home to "clean" and recharge and do hw. Sunday we go to my parents and both of us watch DS.

DH does go out with his friends more often than i do, but that's because he's very social and i'm a homebody. when i tell him i need a night out, he encourages it. sometimes i go with my friends, sometimes i go alone. he gets how wild and demanding DS is and really respects what i do.

you should talk to DH and try to get him to understand how hard it is to do what you do. you deserve a break and he should always remember that.

Re: How much free time do you get vs dh?

Have you spoke to your DH? He honestly might not realize but seeing it in print here how you explained, no, that is not fair.

Do I generally do more than DH? yes. But if he were going out with friends often while I was home with only a CVS run to look forward to there would be issues.

As women I think that often we do more, personally I do not mind. I am not currently working and I am home with the baby so it does not bother me to do more but it sounds like it is really not even with you guys AND you are working.

I would talk to your DH. I hope he is understanding and helps out more

How much free time do you get vs dh?

I get some free time on the train to and from work and that's about it.

I've had a rough week this week. DH hasn't been home and really Sony be until Monday. I have two DS - 2 1/2 and 4 mos and wft.

When things get like this I have to point out to dh how much he is doing - although this time he must have realized since I arrived home to flowers.

My friend also recommended getting a babysitter to recharge. It is definitely worth it!

Re: How much free time do you get vs dh?

I'm a ftwm, but I have an hour every week for my weight watchers meeting and try to go out once every other week or get a mani/ pedi.

DH def has more free time than me, but I'm ok with it because I get a little time too. It sounds like you haven't had any free time at all - and that doesn't seem fair. I would talk to DH, he may not realize!

Re: How much free time do you get vs dh?

I am SAHM of VERY active 11 month old twin boys, DH works A LOT. 80hrs a week? But his schedule is flexible (sometimes) I would say I do 80% of the home stuff, including child care. BUT I noticed I started to feel resentment when one day i screamed at him " you are ALONE in your car for an hour each way from work, I would KILL for that much ME time" He looked at me like I was nutso I had to break it down for him. Just because I CAN do it all, doesn't mean I want to. He had no idea I wanted help with bath time, feeding etc. I never complained, so why should he have known!?! I would just seeth from a distance ! ")I had to specifically tell him, this is what you need to do. (u take over bath nights, and changing all diapers when you are home) not just play with them for a few hrs before bed. and he did it.
be specific. do not come at him like a raging bull, he will get defensive and it will not help the situation. THANK him when he does things to help you, it will encourage him to help out more.

He did more for kids, I was happier. When I am happy he is happier


Resentment can rot at a rock solid marriage, talk to him now.



HTH

Re: How much free time do you get vs dh?

DH and I both work full time. He gets more free time without a doubt.

No offense to the men out there, but for a larger percentage of men, their lives dont change the way a womans does when they have children unless the are a SAHD or a single dad. I think that is something that should have changed but didnt. Women are expected to be super heroes and not bat an eyelash about it either.

DH goes to the gym 4 days per week with his buddies and can come and go as he pleases. I have to make special arrangements to have me time.

Re: How much free time do you get vs dh?

I work from home part time (about 25 hours a week) and have a 6 month old. My DH is on the train at 6:30 and home by 7:30. He is VERY hands on, but to be fair, I think he thinks that's the norm. He comes home, eats and gives DS a bath each night. He then feeds him his last bottle and puts him to bed. That is their time together. After that he picks out his clothes for the next day, makes his lunch and then relaxes. I worked at night so as soon as he comes home, he knows its my work time. On the weekends, I get 3 hours and he gets 3 hours. We usually each take a day to have "our" time. I think its only fair. He might work a big job in the city 50 hours per week but I work from home and I am at home with the baby all day. He just went to New Orleans for 3 days with a bachelor party and I was Ok with it because he always helps. He stopped going to the gym when DS was born and instead goes for a run once he is sleeping. He doesn't go out with his friends more then once a month unless its something special.
I would talk to DH, you need some you time!!