How have you dealt with this situation?

My family is not much into parties, and they don't live around here. DH's family does everything really big!! If somebody wants to throw me a shower, I'd like to have pizza and wings. (They are my favorite food, but I know that's not going to happen.) MIL has expressed interest in throwing a shower.

My mom just told me last night that she doesn't think that she can afford to fly out for the shower and baptism. (My father just got layed-off.) I said if she needs to choose one, then I'd like it to be the baptism. (I come from a religious family.) Now I find out today that MIL wants to split the cost of the shower with my mom. First of all, it'll be 95% DH's side. My mom might not even be there, and I have an aunt that lives about 3 hours away. I don't mind paying for my friends, which is less than 10 out here. I doubt the others will fly out.

What the heck do I do? She wants to throw a shower, out of our price range, and split the cost!!!!! I told DH I just don't want a shower. He said that's just not possible. We're going to be moving the month before the baby is born and there's enough to worry about. Have any of you dealt with something like this? Thanks for reading!

Re: How have you dealt with this situation?

I would be honest with DH about the situation and have him deal with his mom. That's how I do it with my MIL since she can be really pushy.

Re: How have you dealt with this situation?

I haven't dealt with that situation, but I would suggest talking to your MIL about the type of shower that makes you comfortable. It is really sweet that she wants to throw one for you, but if you are going to chip in then you should have a little say about how it's done IMO.

Re: How have you dealt with this situation?

I would sit down and explain the situation to your MIL . Just let her know how you are feeling about the whole situation and how your parents do not have the money to pay for something like this...

IMO as a BTST mom having a shower does make it easier so youdo not have to wait for things after the baby was born. I did not have a shower it is not the Jewish custom to do so and ended up sepnding alot of money out of pocket before hand...

Re: How have you dealt with this situation?

speak with your husband and tell him your concerns, it isn't fair to have your mom pay under the circumstances. if your mil cant afford it, she should have it somewhere else - my 2 cents

Re: How have you dealt with this situation?

Either talk to DH or his mom and put it out there clearly.

- Your dad was laid off
- Your mom and dad can't afford to come to the shower.
- They will come at a later date.
- There are no reasons for them to spilt with your family since they won't be there.

If they insist on a shower, they will have to pay the bill. Nobody else wants it at that scale and price.

Re: How have you dealt with this situation?

I would have your DH talk to your MIL I think it is unreasonable to ask someone who won't be there to contribute as well as someone who cannot afford to help pay.

If it is a party that your MIL needs someone else to help pay then maybe she needs to scale it back a bit. I don't think it is right to ask someone who can't come and just lost their job to help pay for a party.

Re: How have you dealt with this situation?

I agree with everyone...talk to your MIL or have DH talk to her. your MIL needs to know that your mom cant afford to split the party, and maybe something smaller on a less expensive scale would be nice. Then if she decides to conitune with the big expensive one, she has to foot the bill.
Good Luck!!

Re: How have you dealt with this situation?

I would probably either talk to my MIL myself or have DH talk to her. Once you explain everything going on with your family, hopefully she would understand.

Re: How have you dealt with this situation?

THis is a tough one...

Being that this is suppose to be a "surprise" maybe just try and let your DH handle the situation with his mom. Explain to him that your mom cant fly out for both etc and tell him to tell his mom that HE doesnt want HER burdening your parents that way...

As far as his Mom being able to afford the shower then she just needs to make up a budget and throw a party within that budget.

My Mom is having a BBQ Baby Shower for me at my house b/c she cant afford to have it catered..My neighbors are all helping out and preparing some of the food...

Re: How have you dealt with this situation?

I would have DH tell his mom that there just isn't money to "split" the shower and that you'd be happy with not making a big deal about it at all. It would be up to his mother if she still wanted to throw it or not, but at least she'll know that no one can afford half of the big party she wants to plan. IMO, if she wants to throw it, she should be in charge of paying for it (and only accept $$ from those that offer it to her, not request others to chip in)

Re: How have you dealt with this situation?

I would just tell her yourself, that she is very thoughtful, but you don't want a shower....Or tell her the truth...or better yet have your dh tell her.

Message edited 5/3/2007 10:06:32 AM.

Re: How have you dealt with this situation?

I would just explain to her that you appreciate that she wants to throw you something but that your mom isn't even going to come and you wouldn't be inviting alot of family anyway. Split the cost of the guests - she can pay for hers and you for yours.

Tell her you also want a low key type of event. It's your baby shower you can have whatever you want!

Re: How have you dealt with this situation?

I would talk to her yourself, not DH. I would do it in person, of possible, and explain the situation. Tell her you'd rather it be a small one since the costs cannot be split. I'd also thank her tremendously for the thought.

Re: How have you dealt with this situation?

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Message edited 9/29/2007 8:48:08 PM.

Re: How have you dealt with this situation?

I agree - sit down with her and make sure to convey how much you appreciate what she is doing (definitely don't want to hurt her feelings in all of this) but be honest and explain that your mom will not be there - nor any other family and that you know it would be difficult for your mom to swing this financially. Let her know that you just want to avoid any problems and be upfront....tell her how nice it is to be able to come to her and be honest like this. I'm sure she'll be easy to work with as long as she doesn't feel under-appreciated.

Re: How have you dealt with this situation?

Re: How have you dealt with this situation?

I have a slightly similar situation. I'm not from LI, I have no family here. DH is from here, and ALL his family lives here, very close by, so we obviously see them all the time. My family (mom, sister) are from upstate, more laid-back, showers aren't a big deal to them (much less registries) it's just a whole different climate up there. But my MIL and his family and our friends are into the big showers, etc...his mom LOVES planning parties, down to every last little detail. So it puts me in kind of an awkward position, because MIL & the rest want to have a big shower, etc...but my family doesn't really do that (and really can't afford to do a big deal either). For my baby shower, it's going to be at MIL's house (to make it a little less $), and my sister is helping to plan it w/my MIL and SIL. I don't know who's paying for it exactly, but I believe sister & MIL are splitting it probably. My mom, sis & grandmother are coming down for the shower, and that's all I want/need, just for them to be there.

I would definitely make it known to your MIL that your mom can't chip in for the shower (esp. because the concepts of the shower are so vastly different, just like in my case), and if $ is a problem then, they'll have to scale it back...she should also be taking into consideration what you want too. Hopefully she doesn't take offense, she shouldn't, she should be able to see from your/your mom's perspective.

Message edited 5/3/2007 12:12:55 PM.

Re: How have you dealt with this situation?

Thank you soooooo much ladies!!!!! I'm ready to tackle this head-on!!! (Gently of course)

Re: How have you dealt with this situation?

Re: How have you dealt with this situation?

I think to offer to host, then expect to split the cost is rude. if its all his family anyway, she should pay. ask her to cut down the guest list and offer to pay for the few people you will invite.

i can see this happening to me, like it did my bridal shower.

I would set her straight, in a nice way, now, rather than have her mail your mom a bill in a few weeks. kwim?

Re: How have you dealt with this situation?

I think I'm a little different from everyone else.

I'd express your feelings and how grateful you are to your DH and DH only. I wouldn't get involved and let your MIL and Mom or DH handle it. Your DH knows what you want and can convey that to his Mother. He also will know why your mom can't chip in, and why it isn't even necessary since she can't make it. I personally would stay out of it and let them settle it.

My family too, is all out of town except my Mom. DH's family is all here. My Mom is hosting my shower, but isn't asking for any $ from my MIL. If she offers, that's one thing. MIL bought our funtiure for us, so my Mom thought that was extremely generous and the cost of 1/2 the shower anyway. In other words, everyone can and will do what they can for you/DH and the baby.

Re: How have you dealt with this situation?

Right now my mom has completely different ideas about the shower than what I want. I told her thanks for the offer but that is not what I want and that dh will plan a shower than. I know with mil's it is harder but your dh should know how to handle her.