Hi there...long..so confused?

So I am a semi regular poster on the boards but never on here. I am 32 and all of my friends have babies. I honestly can say I have no real desire for one at all. I always thought someday I would feel it but I just don't. I love my friends kids and my niece & nephews but the thought of doing it all myself too makes me say no way! A lot of my DH husband family is saying OK lets go here and have a baby. DH and I had a serious talk last night...he said he is willing to wait till I am ready but he has wanted one for 2 years now!! Now I am at a loss? I told him I feel like maybe in a couple of years I will want to have a child but for now I have no desire.

Now what? Do I keep stringing DH along in the hopes I will eventually want one? I would hate to hold him back (bc I wouldn't want him to do to me).. I do love him and we have been together for a long time (married almost 7yrs). I can't imagine us not together but how can I ever know if I will want a child in the years to come?

Sorry so long...

Re: Hi there...long..so confused?

I think if you are just honest with him & say that you may never be ready to have a baby...and see if he is OK with that...that is all you can do...Do you have any pets? Sometimes people suggest getting pets as a stepping stone to the idea of kids...just a thought..sorry you are going thru this!!

Re: Hi there...long..so confused?

thanks..I was honest..said I hoped I would want them in the future but couldn't say 100%. Guess we will wait and see. And we do have a cat :)

Re: Hi there...long..so confused?

I think it's responsible of you to have these conversations, and to keep having them over time. I don't really have an answer for you as my husband and I agreed on no children prior to getting married, so that made it much easier.

At some point, I think you should both compromise on an agreement though, no matter how hard it is. Because that could create animosity if you don't and it's unfair to both of you to live that way.

Re: Hi there...long..so confused?

I agree that honesty is the best policy here and that this is going to need to be an on-going conversation. Sometimes people think they want something (or don't want something) at some point in their life and then that changes. Once you are in a marriage though, those decisions impact more then just you so they have to be discussed and explored to see if both people can be happy with that change of heart. Good luck to you as you and DH explore your future!

Re: Hi there...long..so confused?

This is one of those times where you have to be totally honest with each other, DH and I just had this talk the other day, and I had to lay out all my fears and paranoia because he is at the point where he really wants a baby, and I have no idea if I will ever be there.

Really sit down and talk about EVERYTHING with him concerning the idea of a baby, do you think you just aren't sure or are you doing the "should" game? Like "I SHOULD want to have a baby, but I don't feel it now" and that might turn into "I never wanted one at all and I was shoulding myself to death."

Ask yourself and him, could you/he live the rest of your life never having a child? I've come to realize that my DH MUST be a father someday. Now I have to struggle with the decision about whether or not I'm dragging my feet or if I really don't want one. Its a HARD conversation to have with yourself and your loved one, but honesty is the best policy.

Go at it with all angles and figure it out together, my DH suggested that if I have all kinds of fears and such about it, maybe i should talk to a therapist. I'm not sure if I'm ready to do that, but I know he is just concerned and wants to make sure I can talk all this out with someone, even if its not him.

Good luck!

Re: Hi there...long..so confused?

Thanks again for the feedback. We had another long talk last night. I feel like I "Should" want a child but I don't. Not sure if that is just currently or forever. I told DH this and said I understand if he wants to move on, I would hate to hold him back. Luckily he is amazing and said he loves me and maybe we will just get a dog :). I know he was teasing about the dog but I guess I will just keep the communication lines open and see where life brings us. Thanks :)

Re: Hi there...long..so confused?

Re: Hi there...long..so confused?

Posted by KittyKatCopper

Posted by hotelcalie
Thanks again for the feedback. We had another long talk last night. I feel like I "Should" want a child but I don't. Not sure if that is just currently or forever.

I feel the same way...like being a woman i "should" want kids...and i used to want them when i was in my early 20's...i am 36 now and I do not want them, haven't for years...no desire...if there is a baby and a dog in the same room i will go play with the dog...i just have no interest in kids...i always joke that i am missing a gene or something...glad to hear you have a wonderful DH!!

Re: Hi there...long..so confused?

I think that you did the right thing by being totally upfront and honest with your DH

That is all you can do, you can't change how you feel

Re: Hi there...long..so confused?

Crashing here but I think my input is valid. I was never the type of girl that longed for a baby. I saw my friends and family with them and although I was great with babies, never had the desire to have one myself. DH was ready from the day we met. At some point I was no longer completely against the idea of having children. Shortly after I found out I was pregnant with DD. I was no where near ready to have a baby. I honestly do not think I would have ever been. I am glad DD stumbled into my life but it was a HUGE adjustment. Having DD completely changed me, in a great way. I am now pregnant with #2 and this time it was completely planned. Bottom line is do what feels right for you. However, I have learned that in life we sometimes do not know what we want or need. I think you just know what you definitely do not want and take it from there.

Re: Hi there...long..so confused?