Estranged Fathers (long - sorry)

Anyone's DH estranged from his father? How do you deal? Do you try and get them to communicate, stay out of it, something else?

DH's biological father left his mother when he was around 6. He went off and started a whole new family with another woman. He "adopted" her children from a previous marriage as his own (and had one bio child with her) and then continued his new life pretending like his 3 biological children with his first wife never existed.

Now that I have son, it's even more inconceivable to me how a man could do this to his only son.

They talk, on occasion. Birthdays, holidays, etc. It's all very cordial and everything, but also very awkward. He came to our wedding, mostly because I encouraged a little communication between him and DH. But he is not really a part of DH's life.

He has yet to meet his grandson. We've "made plans" with him but they always magically fall through or it's "call me in 2 weeks and we'll set a date". Blah blah blah.

It seems that trying to have a relationship only brings hurt to DH. DH has debated cutting him out of his life entirely. At this point, I personally don't even know if I want Jake to know the man that has caused DH so much pain. I don't want Jake to suffer the same rejection.

But I honestly don't know what to do. Do I encourage DH to keep ties with him - however superficial and potentially hurtful they may be? Or do I stay out of it and not even try? I don't want DH to regret cutting him out of his life or not trying hard enough to have a relationship with him. I also don't want him to keep getting rejected.

But I feel like... DH's father is "getting away with it" when we quietly stay out of his life. Because that's probably the way he wants it. That makes me angry. F*** you, ya know? You can't just have 3 kids and pretend they don't exist! I have your last name, so does my son, and so does YOUR ONLY son.

He sent DHs sister (who is currently TTC after 2 miscarriages) pictures of his newborn grandson - from his STEPson in HER BIRTHDAY card. Azzhole. Not that he knew she is TTC or was ever pg...he knows basically nothing about his children.

I'm sending him a birthday card with tons of pictures of Jake.

How can a man do this? If this is how I feel, I can only imagine how DH feels.

This turned into kind of a vent....

Any advice?

Re: Estranged Fathers (long - sorry)

My father left us when I was around 8 or so. I have better things to worry about in my life than dealing with a man who doesn't want to deal with me. Just because DH and his dad share DNA doesn't mean they have to be together. If your DH is always hurt by his father, I say just let the slim bond they have fade away. It's not worth it to you, or DH to have to deal with this man. What possible benefit could be gotten from trying to force a relationship?

Always try to find the silver lining. Now your DH knows what NOT to do as a father.

Re: Estranged Fathers (long - sorry)

I have a similar situation. My DH is estranged from his father. Last time he spoke to him he was 17. When we were planning the wedding, I tried to ask him to reconnect, but it didn't happen. My DH's father is and was a coccaine addict and his mother married because she was preggos when she was 18. Long story short, he wasn't the ideal dad. His mother left him when DH was 10 and moved from Boston to LI to live with her family. My DH's aunt spoke to his father, and the connected slightly when DH was 17 and going off to the army, but a lot of broken promises continued.

Last we heard, he was in a facility in MA with Hep C. He's outlook isn't so great. Its so morbid, but my MIL searches online at the oppitaries all the time.

Re: Estranged Fathers (long - sorry)

I am estranged from my biological father.

he left my mom with me and my youngest sister when I was three. My mom was only 20 years old.

He made some lame attempts early on to stay in touch, but I haven't seen or heard from him in about 25 years.

the people you surround yourself and your family with should be those that love you, care about you, and respect you.

trying to get someone to do any or all of those things will only hurt you in the end.

your husband would be better off if he stopped trying. The hand cannot be burned if you don't extend it to the fire.

Re: Estranged Fathers (long - sorry)

This is quite similar to my Dh's situation with his biological father.

I used to encourage him to keep in touch and stay in touch but it seemed like it was always one-sided (that side being us). He refused to come to our wedding. He says he wasn't told, which was an outright lie. I told him myself but we couldn't send an invitation 'cos he would never give a physical address of his home. He lives in MD and I used to live in MD and everytime DH would come then to visit me and ask to come see him he would say it wasn't the right time.


Anyway after about three years of this nonsense and I saw the emotional wreck my DH was after interaction with his father, I stopped encouraging it and now it's been almost a year since they last spoke. My DH has come to accept that his father would never be a part of his life.

I also came to realize that we were FORCING something that seemed like an inconvenience to him (the dad). My DH is only son from his previous marriage BUT he refuses to acknowledge that at all. DH decided that once we begin having children, he is going to legally change his name so that his children would have nothing to do with his father. I support him.

We've let it go. My advice is that you have to realize that unless he wants to be a part of your lives willingly, you can encourage all you want but it will only always be one way. What's that saying, you can't teach an old dog a new trick. This was going on way before we met our DHs, I doubt it would change now, KWIM?

Here are some
for you and DH and baby.

Re: Estranged Fathers (long - sorry)

"We've let it go. My advice is that you have to realize that unless he wants to be a part of your lives willingly, you can encourage all you want but it will only always be one way. What's that saying, you can't teach an old dog a new trick. This was going on way before we met our DHs, I doubt it would change now, KWIM?"

I agree. Sending you guys

Re: Estranged Fathers (long - sorry)

I can say from experience that having someone in your life that does not want to be there is in no way healthly.

I would never force or ask my husband to stop taking to his father, I always encouraged his to call or go for a visit because after all it is his father. But it comes to a point where enough is enough. The hurt in DH eyes is enough to make me scream.

I hear where you are coming from and totally agree with you!

Re: Estranged Fathers (long - sorry)

you have to do whatever DH wants to do- and be supportive of it- so if he wants to try & have a relationship, you have to try & help him do that....

Message edited 10/30/2007 3:28:33 PM.

Re: Estranged Fathers (long - sorry)

I am estranged from my father. After years of me trying to keep a relationship going, I realized it wasnt worth the stress and the emotional roller coaster going. Sometimes we have to just let go.

Re: Estranged Fathers (long - sorry)

Im estranged from my mother...I have seen her once in the last 17 years. She left my dad and I when I was about 14 and I never saw her or spoke to her until about 7 years ago when she heard my dad died. Since that one meeting there has been zero contact.

It is hard...not gonna lie to ya. Hard to know this woman has one child in the world who is basically orphaned with no siblings and she still couldnt even try to have a relationship.

It hurts, it stinks and is unfair but I believe things happen for a reason and if she was meant to be in my life she would be.

I would let your DH decide for himself how he wants to handle things. This will be something he will deal with for the rest of his life...but let him deal how he wants...let him talk about it and let him make attempts at reconciliation if thats what he wants. It's such an individual decision and he has to be want to try and be ready once again to be rejected and or possibly hurt.

Re: Estranged Fathers (long - sorry)

Posted by robynfs

I would let your DH decide for himself how he wants to handle things. This will be something he will deal with for the rest of his life...but let him deal how he wants...let him talk about it and let him make attempts at reconciliation if thats what he wants. It's such an individual decision and he has to be want to try and be ready once again to be rejected and or possibly hurt.

Re: Estranged Fathers (long - sorry)

I feel for your DH.

Mine has a compliacted relationship with his dad too. I generally stay out of it, and support DH with what he wants to do and how he feels comfortable handing things.

Re: Estranged Fathers (long - sorry)

I think that this is just one of those things that is SO difficult and hurtful, if you have not experienced it yourself, you can not possibly try to understand or relate -
I would think that every time DH or you gave him the chance to have a relationship and he snubbed you, it would open those same wounds all over again ......... -

I would personally let DH handle any dealings with him and leave it at that - Encourage him to talk to you about how HE feels, but I wouldn't try to give him advice about what he should/should not do
- I wouldn't get involved with that man at all UNLESS my DH specifically asked me to -

As for your own son, I can understand you feel like this man is 'getting away with it' ........but try to think of it this way - Do you really think he DESERVES the privilege of knowing his Grandson?

Re: Estranged Fathers (long - sorry)

My Dh and I both had similar situations with our fathers, but DH TRIED to have a relationship with his and was alwyas there for his dad when no one else was. It angers me beyond belief how selfish his father is and how he has no idea who his son is (and doesn't seem to care all that much). That said, I don't encourage or discourage their relationship. DH either calls or doesnt' call, we usually see them for Xmas and they did come for DS's first b-day, but honestly I'm not interested in forcing DH into anything when it's basically a reminder of the rejection he faced all his life. His interaction will our son has and will continue to be very limited as honestly he is not much of a role model for a young child. I respect that he's DH's father, but I'm not sure he really deserves that title.

Re: Estranged Fathers (long - sorry)

I don't see why you would push DH. It doens't sound like this is a man either of you need in your life and while it would be nice for your son to have a grandpa, he doens't really seem capablke of it, and it's not worth hurting your DH.

My FH would never ever try to encourage me to talk to my dad (I don't and won't). It's sad to think of how I have to explain it to my kids, but it's just reality. I can't change it.

Re: Estranged Fathers (long - sorry)

Re: Estranged Fathers (long - sorry)

Message edited 11/14/2011 8:27:03 PM.

Re: Estranged Fathers (long - sorry)

Re: Estranged Fathers (long - sorry)

I haven't seen my father since I was about 13 or 14. Technically, he and my mother are still "married". We have no idea why he left.

My sister and I still get Christmas and B'day cards with the obligatory check.

My sister wants nothing to do with him. When she got married, my mom walked her down the aisle.

I've tried numerous times to get in contact with him. I only had a PO Box for where he was in California. All letters were sent back because they were sitting in there for so long.

DH and I have talked about it numerous times, and I always say I don't care anymore, but there's something inside me that still does. I sent him a letter and picture after I got engaged. No repsonse.

A few months ago, DH Googled him and paid some $ to get the phone number and actually called. (DH told me this after the fact). DH said my father had just come back from a business trip and literally walked thru the door. DH mentioned his name and there was no recognition on my father's side (which means he never got or read about my engagement). So DH said "I'm Donna's husband, and she misses you very much." I"m pretty sure DH gave him our phone number, but there has been no contact since then. I haven't even told my mother about this!! I really don't know how she would react.

For me, that was the last straw. It's too hard to keep hoping for something and then get disappointed. I'm almost 40, and it's time for me to realize that there won't be a reconciliation. Dh and I have a great life, families that love us and hopefully children.

Good luck to you and DH.

Re: Estranged Fathers (long - sorry)

I have the horrid relationship with my "father" DH just finally met him like 2 months before our wedding and HATED him. I HATE him. We dont speak, he knows nothing about my life and I like it that way. He missed out on it, he will have to live with it. DH would never try and mend that bridge, it just wont happen. I think it is something your DH is just going to have to do on his own time. GL

Re: Estranged Fathers (long - sorry)

Dh hasn't spoken to his father in many, many years.

Similar to everyone else, he was an alcoholic who left his wife, mentally retarded daughter and son when DH was about 5. He had contact with him as a teenager (his father moved to Texas, remarried, and had a daughter) but once DH became an adult he cut the ties with him.

I did insist on inviting him to the wedding but he wrote us back saying he didn't have any money to send us a gift so he sent a newspaper with the new baseball stadium.

My MIL got a call from him about 2 years ago saying he was going to drive a bus for a company in Iraq. No one has heard from him since.

I sometimes forget that I have a FIL. I don't push it...if DH doesn't want to talk to him that's fine. One less stress to have to deal with in our lives.