Do you ever feel like DH's priority is not his family?

I've been back at work from maternity leave now for 2 weeks.

Luckily things have been super slow so I've been able to get home by 6/6:30 every day. This leaves me between 1-2 hours to spend with DS before he goes down for the night.

I barely feel that this is sufficient time and I'm so sad about it but I told DH that I was going to make it a point and priority to try to leave work all the time around this time. (I used to work till 8 many nights).

DH usually gets home between 7:30-8:30. This means many nights he doesn't even see DS. I know there are other people in his firm that leave early to be with their families. In fact, he is always complaining that he is the only one in the office and everyone else leaves early.

Now I would take that as the company's lifestyle expectation. Family first as long as you keep up with your work. So I said to him "well, can't you push back and say that everyone else should take on more work bc you are the only one staying late?" and he just rolled his eyes at me.

I just can't understand how he is okay with sometimes not seeing his son at all during the week when he

a) can do a lot of his work from home

b) chooses to go to work later and get home later even though theoretically he could wake up with me and DS and get to work earlier and home earlier.

and c) everyone else at his job leaves early.

In my mind, his job comes first when it should be his son. and it has nothing to do with being the breadwinner bc I make more than him.

I just don't get it. Does anyone else feel like their DH does not make familiy a priority?

Do you think the workplace treats men & women differently in terms of leaving at a reasonable hour?

Re: Do you ever feel like DH's priority is not his family?

I was wondering how old your son is? I know that for many men they do not feel the bond until the children are more responsive? Maybe this is what's going on with your husband - and as your DC gets older he will make it a priority to come home earlier?

I personally don't have experience with this - my husband tries to see Jack as much as he can throughout the week. Jack goes to bed by 6:30 and that's when DH gets out of work so he doesn't see him at night - but he does come home during the day for about an hour at lunch.

I do know that I would speak to him about how you feel. Maybe he can even come home early two nights a week?

Re: Do you ever feel like DH's priority is not his family?

I can imagine how you are feeling.

My DH doesn't see the kids during the week, but hearing all the spouses at the holiday party I know that everyone on the investment team from entry level to the owners are there until at least 7:30pm. My kids are in bed by 8pm so there's no way he'd get home in time. He does spend all his time on the weekends with the kids and they are totally bonded to him and talk about him all day long to me. We call him after the market close every day so they can talk to him. Hopefully that makes you feel better.

Re: Do you ever feel like DH's priority is not his family?

Re: Do you ever feel like DH's priority is not his family?

Posted by CathyB

I can imagine how you are feeling.

My DH doesn't see the kids during the week, but hearing all the spouses at the holiday party I know that everyone on the investment team from entry level to the owners are there until at least 7:30pm. My kids are in bed by 8pm so there's no way he'd get home in time. He does spend all his time on the weekends with the kids and they are totally bonded to him and talk about him all day long to me. We call him after the market close every day so they can talk to him. Hopefully that makes you feel better.

Re: Do you ever feel like DH's priority is not his family?

Re: Do you ever feel like DH's priority is not his family?

Posted by nrthshgrl

Posted by Diana1215

I was wondering how old your son is? I know that for many men they do not feel the bond until the children are more responsive? Maybe this is what's going on with your husband - and as your DC gets older he will make it a priority to come home earlier?

I asgree that it could be the issue. I know my DH wasn't into the baby stage much. He adored them, held them (well, Joseph...Maddie wouldn't go to him if I was in the room), but in general it was not for him.

On the other hand, he loved, loved, loved the 2 year old stage...which imo he could have.

I hope it gets better for you.

Re: Do you ever feel like DH's priority is not his family?

Absolutely. But I knew that when I married him (well had DD first technically). His career has always been a priority. I don't get it but that is ok. At times I blow up at him just to get it out but then I am ok. If it helps any, now that DD is 2, he does interact with her a lot more. Good luck!

Re: Do you ever feel like DH's priority is not his family?

Re: Do you ever feel like DH's priority is not his family?

I think it may be a combination of him not bonding yet, since DC is so young, and the fact that YOU are the "breadwinner" in the family. He may be working more to compensate for the salary difference. Don't try to understand the "logic" of men. Sometimes it just it what it is.... You may need to have a little heart-to-heart with him to find out why.

For me, personally, everyone at work knows that if they need me at 4:31, I'm out the door. If I HAVE to work a little extra, most of the people in the office look at me weird and say "It's 5 o'clock, what are you doing here?". I usually only work late to flex my time to take off another day during the week. I wake up earlier than before kids, just so I can get home sooner.

I think once DS is a little older, DH will find more incentive to come home earlier/on time.

Re: Do you ever feel like DH's priority is not his family?

At times when I don't think it through, it seems that way to me also. But he is the breadwinner now, I am a SAHM. So he sees working hard at his job as taking care of his family, and really, this is a big deal. If he didn't do this, I would be back at work, DS would be in daycare, and neither of us would spend much time at all with DS. He gets home around the same time as your DH, and if I was at my old job, I would be home even later. DH is not in a work situation either where he can work from home much--technically he could do almost his entire job from home, but it is frowned upon.

I also think DH had trouble bonding with DS when he was very small. Now he's about 9 months, and he can play with him a bit more. DS LOVES him too, he goes crazy when he does see him after work, so I think he's more interested.

Re: Do you ever feel like DH's priority is not his family?

I could tell you that at 4 months old DH really wasnt that into DS. I swear I vividly remember when he would come home from work (I was still on maternity leave at this time) and I was bewildered by the fact that he wouldnt be running to kiss DS--I was like "what the hell?"

We talked about it and DS got older and was more responsive (like previous posters said). As time went on DH and DS formed a bond that I dont even have with DS. They are inseparable. DH is enthralled by him!!!

I think you should lay out your feelings and also give it sometime

Message edited 8/28/2008 8:36:54 AM.

Re: Do you ever feel like DH's priority is not his family?

Posted by GoldenRod

I think it may be a combination of him not bonding yet, since DC is so young, and the fact that YOU are the "breadwinner" in the family. He may be working more to compensate for the salary difference. Don't try to understand the "logic" of men. Sometimes it just it what it is.... You may need to have a little heart-to-heart with him to find out why.

Re: Do you ever feel like DH's priority is not his family?

Posted by jambalady

Posted by GoldenRod

I think it may be a combination of him not bonding yet, since DC is so young, and the fact that YOU are the "breadwinner" in the family. He may be working more to compensate for the salary difference. Don't try to understand the "logic" of men. Sometimes it just it what it is.... You may need to have a little heart-to-heart with him to find out why.

I think you are right about this. He does feel guilty that I am not able to be a SAHM and part of it is definitely that he is trying to advance his career faster so that maybe, just maybe for #2, I could consider being a SAHM.

I guess I just need to be more understanding and let DH bond in his own time. He always talks about playing ball with him and fishing with him, so maybe it is just a matter of age.