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4monkeys
boys will be boys =)
Member since 9/05 7205 total posts
Name:
:)
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Death and Dying CHAT (Sorry- Not the greatest conversation)
So with 2 deaths very close to the family in one week,
and one family member very very close to that point,(sadly, he's at the point where many of his immediate family would rather he rest in peace  )
Ive been doing a lot of thinking about my parents aging, and how a whole generation is slowly leaving us 
and just thinking about how a sudden, unexpected death can totally turn your world upside down.
I just wanted to discuss the many things that come up when thinking of this sad and terrible (yet inevitable) topic 
Do all of your parents have their things planned out?
I dont even like saying "buried", my mom was never one to talk about her age  or death. Even yesterday, I asked her "well where do you want to go, ITaly ?" (because my grandmother was ADAMANT of going to be right by her hubby. She passed here in the US and was flown back to Italy to rest with her hubby a few weeks after her wake.
So it's a tough subject to even bring up when they dont bring it up, kwim? and I dont wanna think about those things, but thats what makes me think about them even more
For anyone that has had a sudden death in the family, where you had to make the arrangements, what are some other things that you wish you would have had time to plan out.?
What questions/decisions are you faced with (at the funeral home)?
A few months ago, someone posted about becoming an organ donor. Ive been thinking about this myself. I have to dig up that post.
Sorry to have such a morbid post.
would love some feedback, or thoughts.
 thanks 
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Posted 6/5/07 8:26 PM  |
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Long Island Weddings
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MichelleR
my Becks
Member since 5/05 1772 total posts
Name:
tracyg
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Re: Death and Dying CHAT (Sorry- Not the greatest conversation)
I'm sorry for your loss.
My dad and I had to deal with taking care of my aunts affairs when she died suddenly. She was his last living relative (besides me), and we had no idea what her wishes would have been. She had no living will. We tried to get her buried next to her parents, or her sister in Florida, but there wasn't a space next to either. So we decided to cremate her. We may bury some of her ashes with her sister and mother.
We did a closed casket because she was self conscious about herself and figured she wouldn't want people looking at her the way she looked. So we knew that was ONE thing she would want. But it was very tough.
I know my mom wants to be cremated and have no viewing. Not sure what my dad wants.
Message edited 6/5/2007 8:34:19 PM.
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| Posted 6/5/07 8:33 PM |
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MegZee
My bunny
Member since 5/06 8777 total posts
Name:
Meaghan
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Re: Death and Dying CHAT (Sorry- Not the greatest conversation)
my father died suddenly at 45-we all joke if we could talk to him one more time we would ask when the he!! he was goign to start planning. but, since he left us without any life insurance, etc, it has made my mother more aware about how important it is.
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| Posted 6/5/07 8:47 PM |
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DebG
Pick a cause & stand up for it
Member since 5/05 18602 total posts
Name:
The cure IS worse!
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Re: Death and Dying CHAT (Sorry- Not the greatest conversation)
Some things that have been put in front of me to decide:
Make a will
Advanced directives/DNR?
autopsy?
Organ donor? All? some? specific? to research or people?
Buried or Cremated?
If buried, where?
If cremated, where/who ashes?
I am sure there are more, but it's emotinal for me to go back and look at all I had to think/figure/do so those are the basic ones off hte top of my head
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| Posted 6/5/07 8:48 PM |
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tsullivan
LIF Adolescent
Member since 10/06 788 total posts
Name:
T
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Re: Death and Dying CHAT (Sorry- Not the greatest conversation)
I'm sorry for your losses, and all you're going through. 
As my grandfather got older, and showed signs of Alzheimer's, my mom & her sisters got together with him, a financial planner, and whoever else was necessary (not sure of all the specifics) and planned everything. I"m sure it was very hard for all of them, but when he passed away, it was one less thing for them to worry about; all the arrangements were as he wanted. Having been there, my mom & her sisters also planned with their respective immediate families what to do when the time comes.
DH's parents...forget it. Neither he nor they will even discuss it.
It's hard when you realize that you're parents aren't the ones who are supposed to take care of everything anymore, that it's now falling on your shoulders. It makes us all "grow up" a little bit more, I guess.
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| Posted 6/5/07 9:00 PM |
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LightUpOurLife
Totally in love
Member since 8/06 12785 total posts
Name:
Bonnie-Jean
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Re: Death and Dying CHAT (Sorry- Not the greatest conversation)
My family is well aware of my wishes. Otherwise I have declared I will come back and haunt them if I die first.
I want to donate it all, I will not be needing it where I am going.
I have nothing to make a will out for
(at this point in my life anyway).
I want a closed casket because I think seeing a dead body laying there for 2-3 days is just gross. (These are my opinions).
I don't care what they do with me after that.
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| Posted 6/5/07 9:05 PM |
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nyteacher13
Three Under Four!!! :-)
Member since 8/06 6405 total posts
Name:
~ THERESA ~
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Re: Death and Dying CHAT (Sorry- Not the greatest conversation)
Posted by BJandDan
My family is well aware of my wishes. Otherwise I have declared I will come back and haunt them if I die first.
I want to donate it all, I will not be needing it where I am going.
I have nothing to make a will out for
(at this point in my life anyway).
I want a closed casket because I think seeing a dead body laying there for 2-3 days is just gross. (These are my opinions).
I don't care what they do with me after that.
My wishes are very similar to yours. I told dh that if I were ever on any type of life support to just let me go - I don't want to live hooked up to a machine. I don't want an open casket because I, too, don't want anyone to remember me like that, nor do I want awkward feelings about "how well I was made up/how much I look like myself (or don't look like myself) while lying there".
I'm also an organ donor - harvest me, baby. I won't need anything where I'm going, either. I don't want to be used for research though. I want to be used for living people who are in need. I don't have a will yet, but as soon as we have a baby I'll get one set up.
I think I covered all bases for now...
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| Posted 6/5/07 10:00 PM |
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BikerGrl
Merry Christmas!
Member since 5/05 2875 total posts
Name:
It's not the destination....it's the journey!
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Re: Death and Dying CHAT (Sorry- Not the greatest conversation)
Posted by BJandDan
I want a closed casket because I think seeing a dead body laying there for 2-3 days is just gross. (These are my opinions).
.
Just a little history lesson about this and why we have wakes with the body there!
Back in the day when there was no embalming, a body would be held so that the family could be sure the person was not going to "wake" up.
Hence the word wake!!
Anyhow, as a funeral director I HAVE to respond to this statement by saying this about closed casket wakes:
Funerals are for the living. They are for allowing people to process what has happened. Know the saying "Seeng is believing"? MOST people feel the need to actually see the person.
This REALLY hit home for me on the funeral director level when 9/11 happened & we had to service so many families who had no body to see.
On a personal level, it home for me when I losty a junior high / high school friend in her 20's whose parents chose cremation with no viewing. My sister should have seen her friend & never got the chance. He rmom should have seen her too. Sometimes I feel liek they both are in this little fantasy world that she is around the corner. I was lucky.....I saw her because I handled the funeral.
SO....what I am saying in that long winded commentary & history lesson is that I feel it IS important especially as a professional in this area!!!
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| Posted 6/5/07 10:37 PM |
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BikerGrl
Merry Christmas!
Member since 5/05 2875 total posts
Name:
It's not the destination....it's the journey!
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Re: Death and Dying CHAT (Sorry- Not the greatest conversation)
Posted by anna
What questions/decisions are you faced with (at the funeral home)?
I can help here
You need to consider the following:
What kind of wake you want (open or closed casket).
What kind of casket
What kind of religious service if any.
What is the disposition: i.e: burial, cremation or entombment.
What cemetery if needed for a burial.
Clothing for the person.
The reason you are asking these questions is the reason I think pre planning has become so important to people. It is very hard to make all these decisions when it is a sudden death or if nothing has been talked about while the person is still able to contribute their thoughts.
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| Posted 6/5/07 10:44 PM |
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Christine
2nd verse same as the 1st
Member since 5/05 15287 total posts
Name:
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Re: Death and Dying CHAT (Sorry- Not the greatest conversation)
Posted by ValR
Anyhow, as a funeral director I HAVE to respond to this statement by saying this about closed casket wakes:
Funerals are for the living. They are for allowing people to process what has happened. Know the saying "Seeng is believing"? MOST people feel the need to actually see the person.
This REALLY hit home for me on the funeral director level when 9/11 happened & we had to service so many families who had no body to see.
On a personal level, it home for me when I losty a junior high / high school friend in her 20's whose parents chose cremation with no viewing. My sister should have seen her friend & never got the chance. He rmom should have seen her too. Sometimes I feel liek they both are in this little fantasy world that she is around the corner. I was lucky.....I saw her because I handled the funeral.
SO....what I am saying in that long winded commentary & history lesson is that I feel it IS important especially as a professional in this area!!!
Val, Thanks for the lesson.
I tend to agree with you on the open casket issue. When my cousin died several years ago, the funeral had to be closed casket because of the way he died. I know he's gone but there's still that part of me that didn't see him which made it even more difficult to accept.
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| Posted 6/5/07 10:45 PM |
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4monkeys
boys will be boys =)
Member since 9/05 7205 total posts
Name:
:)
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Re: Death and Dying CHAT (Sorry- Not the greatest conversation)
Thanks for sharing your thoughts everyone.
a special thanks to Deb for contributing and sharing your thoughts at a difficult time for you and you WONT need any of this info any time soon! 
Val - Thanks for the lesson
I do agree that seeing the person again gives you closure and makes you feel like you really said goodbye.
But I can also relate to wanting to have good memories of someone and not be left with that impression of them.
When my grandmother passed away, we had a wake here, and then we went to Italy for a wake/funeral.
The casket was sealed with a steel-type of cover, and nailed shut (under the regular casket cover).. and they didnt plan to reopen it there. My mom is not a very confrontational person so she went with whatever "the norm was".. not sure who told us it would not be reopened. (and this was a good 3 weeks after she had passed)..
well one of my aunts flipped and INSISTED that they reopen it so she can see my grandmother one last time (SHE on the other hand LOVES confrontation  )
I wonder who decided not to reopen and why, especially since she was embalmed.
question- why dont they embalm the body in Europe? (well I can speak for ITaly).. Is it just a cultural thing?
The body is "displayed" in the home of the deceased (yes the home), no embalming, etc. fresh/natural, no makeup, etc. (my grandfather passed away at the hospital in ITaly so the wake was at the hospital's funeral place.)
So much to think about...
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| Posted 6/5/07 11:04 PM |
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itsbabytime
LIF Adult
Member since 11/05 9644 total posts
Name:
Me
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Re: Death and Dying CHAT (Sorry- Not the greatest conversation)
I'm so sorry I myself am right now going through a very very painful situation with a family member dying. What this situation has taught me is to find out what everyone wants re: feeding tubes, intubation, resucitation etc. Because it is the worst thing in the world to wonder what they would have wanted when everyone has their own opinion on such a difficult subject
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| Posted 6/5/07 11:24 PM |
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J9-13
We're gonna be big sisters!
Member since 6/06 14887 total posts
Name:
J9
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Re: Death and Dying CHAT (Sorry- Not the greatest conversation)
Luckily, my parents have their plots already, made out a will and have their advanced directives in order. While it is terrible to think about, I am grateful that they took care of this since it would otherwise be up to me and my brother to handle.
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| Posted 6/6/07 8:54 AM |
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JodiBabe
Married for 9 yrs!!!!!!
Member since 5/05 6672 total posts
Name:
Jodi
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Re: Death and Dying CHAT (Sorry- Not the greatest conversation)
When my BIL passed away & had nothing in order my MIL & FIL made sure to let my DH & I & SIL & BIL know where all of their paperwork was.
My mom I am pretty sure has her paperwork in order because she asked me a few years ago if I would be her executor. I don't know where she has any of it at the moment but I know who her attorney is.
ETA:
My dad I have no idea because they tell me nothing. I believe my brother who is an attorney knows something.
Message edited 6/6/2007 9:13:31 AM.
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| Posted 6/6/07 9:11 AM |
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Blu-ize
Plan B is Now Plan A
Member since 7/05 32475 total posts
Name:
Susan
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Re: Death and Dying CHAT (Sorry- Not the greatest conversation)
This subject hits very close to home right now.
Fred was on life support for 2 months. I kept saying, he would hate it, he would want us to let him go but the doctors told us that he is young and he could make a recovery. As long as there was one doctor to tell us that, we held on.
It looks like Fred will get a chance at a good quality of life. If we would have pulled the plug, yes, we would have grieved and been sad and missed him but we wouldn't have had him around. Even 75% of him is better than none. He told me that he feels lucky to be alive even though he's in a hospital, he has pain and he has lost some independence (we hope he gets that back soon).
I'm just trying to point out that being on life support means different things. Make sure your living will and DNR is specific to include when you wish to be taken off life support.
Fred had no such document so we made the decision.
My parents have everything in order. We have most things although we are working on getting the rest of it together. (I've been busy).
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| Posted 6/6/07 9:56 AM |
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BikerGrl
Merry Christmas!
Member since 5/05 2875 total posts
Name:
It's not the destination....it's the journey!
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Re: Death and Dying CHAT (Sorry- Not the greatest conversation)
Message edited 6/6/2007 7:31:07 PM.
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| Posted 6/6/07 7:30 PM |
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BikerGrl
Merry Christmas!
Member since 5/05 2875 total posts
Name:
It's not the destination....it's the journey!
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Re: Death and Dying CHAT (Sorry- Not the greatest conversation)
Posted by anna
question- why dont they embalm the body in Europe? (well I can speak for ITaly).. Is it just a cultural thing?
The body is "displayed" in the home of the deceased (yes the home), no embalming, etc. fresh/natural, no makeup, etc. (my grandfather passed away at the hospital in ITaly so the wake was at the hospital's funeral place.)
So much to think about...
It is a cultural thing there.
Embalming is popular here in the USA for this reason: (and I learned this fact my very first day of Mortuary Science school almost 12 years ago ):
When Abe Lincoln died, a nine car funeral train that included 300 dignitaries left Washington, D.C. and made a 1,700 mile journey back to Springfield, Illinois. It made several stops along the way for his body to be viewed. He was EMBALMED!!! That's wy people could see him!!
After this happened, as soldiers died, parents started to insist on embalming so that they too could see their sons when their bodies returned home.
Hence, the start of why embalming & viewing became cultural here in the USA and not elsewhere.
Plus in Europe, space is more limited. I know for sure in some European countries, a body is entombed (ina wall) and not embalmed. After say 10 years maybe, the bones are removed, ground up like as if they were cremated. Then the tomb is reused.
And now ends Val's history lesson for the day!!!
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| Posted 6/6/07 7:31 PM |
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SuchIsLife
LIF Adolescent
Member since 12/05 689 total posts
Name:
no
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Re: Death and Dying CHAT (Sorry- Not the greatest conversation)
This really hits home right now. My dad is fighting Stage IVb esophageal cancer. The docs are doing palliative tx only. My parents had taken care of their cremation arrangements years ago because with six kids with six different opinions they figured they'd nip those arguments in the bud. My dad told my mom a few weeks ago that he wants no memorial service (wakes are rare where I'm from) and a private funeral only. My mom asked me what was she supposed to tell all his friends and co-workers when the time came? She doesn't want to go against his wishes. We'll figure something out. It's a little mind boggling...he was just diagnosed 2 months ago.
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| Posted 6/6/07 9:44 PM |
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Cindy
LIF Infant
Member since 1/06 117 total posts
Name:
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Re: Death and Dying CHAT (Sorry- Not the greatest conversation)
I had a sudden death in my family last week and so much is going through my mind since. I am still getting over the shock and the grief, but so many of these things come to my mind. One of them being how like you said, a whole generation leaving. It is scary and sad.
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| Posted 6/6/07 9:51 PM |
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-Laurie-
Hi!
Member since 5/05 2536 total posts
Name:
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Re: Death and Dying CHAT (Sorry- Not the greatest conversation)
No clue about my parents really but its just my brother and I and we know how traditionally things are done in our family which is small. There isn't a plot. My Mom will handle my Father if he goes first and if my Mother goes well I can honestly say my Dad is the type of man who it wouldn't take long at all for him to follow her just from a broken heart.
Dh and I have ours all figured out due to his career, it isn't pleasent but such a relief. I always read posts on here about families not prepared and sudden deaths of older people and it makes me wonder because we've had everything set since we were 25 and I've had to update some of my paperwork since I will be delievering while he is deployed.
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| Posted 6/6/07 9:57 PM |
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4monkeys
boys will be boys =)
Member since 9/05 7205 total posts
Name:
:)
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Re: Death and Dying CHAT (Sorry- Not the greatest conversation)
Thanks again everyone for sharing such personal stories and thoughts
Laurie - how bittersweet that you will be delivering while he is deployed.
Cindy- so sorry to hear about the sudden death in the family
Buckeyegrl - all the best to your dad
VAL- My husband wouldnt beleive me when I told him graves were dug up to be reused in Italy. I was there when our friends' family member's grave was being dug up. I beleive it was the 100yr mark if I remember correctly.
My grandparents are also not underground, theyre in the wall too. They didnt want to be underground.
Bluize- Im still cheering for Fred
itsbabytime- sorry to hear about your tough family situation
nyteacher13/BJandDan-- God Bless you for being organ donors.
tsullivan-your Dhs parents sound like mine, they wont even discuss it.. well I havent approached my dad about it.
and thanks again everyone for your thoughts. I hope I covered all responses
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| Posted 6/6/07 10:33 PM |
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Cindy
LIF Infant
Member since 1/06 117 total posts
Name:
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Re: Death and Dying CHAT (Sorry- Not the greatest conversation)
Anna - Thank you for your condolences. The same to you! When I read your post the other day of the sudden loss you had, I couldn't believe it happened to someone else. The shock was awful for us. It is very scary!
Cindy
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| Posted 6/7/07 7:49 AM |
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MarathonKnitter
HAPPY
Member since 2/07 17374 total posts
Name:
EMBRACING CHANGE
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Re: Death and Dying CHAT (Sorry- Not the greatest conversation)
Posted by anna
Sorry to have such a morbid post.
this is part of the reason i feel this site is so powerful.
don't apologize. we talk about births, weddings, divorce, health, sickness, and death here. this is what we're here for. to share and to bounce ideas off one another.
ok, with that said. i haven't had to make these decisions, yet. the little i have discussed with my loved ones is: cremation (sp?) vs burial
life support vs dnr
organ donation
my uncle just got a new liver because someone was willing to donate hers.
i'm sorry you're going through this right now. i pray that you find the strength to do what's right for you and your family.
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| Posted 6/7/07 7:52 AM |
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