ggt08
;)
Member since 5/05 5208 total posts
Name:
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Dear Alcohol...
Dear Alcohol:
>
>First & foremost, let me tell you that I'm a huge fan of yours. My
>friend, you always seem to be there when needed. The perfect post-work
>cocktail, a beer at the game, and you're even around in the holiday's
>hidden inside chocolates as you warm us when we're stuck in the midst
>ofendless family gatherings. However, lately I've been wondering about
>your intentions. While I want to believe that you have my best interests
>
>at heart, I feel that your influence has led to some unwise
>consequences:
>
>1. Phone calls: While I agree with you that communication is important,
>I question the suggestion that any conversation of substance or
>necessity takes place after 2 a.m. Why would you make me call those
>ex-boyfriends/girlfriends when I know for a fact they do not want to
>hear from me during the day, let alone all hours of the night?
>
>2. Eating: Now, you know I love a good meal, but why do you suggest
>thatI eat a taco with chili sauce, along with a big Italian meatball and
>
>some stale chips (washed down with WINE & topped off with a Kit Kat
>after a few cheese curls & chili cheese fries)? I'm an eclectic eater,
>but I think you went too far this time.
>
>3. Clumsiness: Unless you're subtly trying to tell me that I need to do
>more yoga to improve my balance, I see NO need to hammer the issue home
>by causing me to fall down. It's completely unnecessary, and the black &
>
>blue marks that appear on my body mysteriously the next day are beyond
>me. Similarly, it should never take me more than 45 seconds to get the
>front door key into the lock.
>
>4. Furthermore: The hangovers have GOT to stop. This is getting
>ridiculous. I know a little penance for our previous evening's
>debauchery may be in order, but the 3pm hangover immobility is
>completely unacceptable! My entire day is shot. I ask that, if the
>proper precautions are taken (water, vitamin B, bread products,
>aspirin) prior to going to sleep/passing out face down on the kitchen
>floor with a bag of popcorn, the hangover should be minimal & in no way
>interfere with my daily activities.
>
>Alcohol, I have enjoyed our friendship for some years now & would like
>to ensure that we remain on good terms. You've been the invoker of great
>
>stories, the provocation for much laughter, and the needed companion
>when I just don't know what to do with the extra money in my pockets.
>In order to continue this friendship, I ask that you carefully review
>my
>grievances above & address them immediately. I will look for an answer
>no later than Thursday 3pm (pre-happy hour) on your possible solutions
>& hopefully we can continue this fruitful partnership. Thank you, your
>
>biggest fan
>
>P.S. THINGS THAT ARE DIFFICULT TO SAY WHEN DRUNK:
>1. Innovative
>2. Preliminary
>3. Proliferation
>4. Cinnamon
>
>THINGS THAT ARE VERY DIFFICULT TO SAY WHEN DRUNK:
>1. Specificity
>2. British Constitution
>3. Passive-aggressive disorder
>
>THINGS THAT ARE DOWNRIGHT IMPOSSIBLE TO SAY WHEN DRUNK:
>1. Thanks, but I don't want to have sex.
>2. Nope, no more beer for me.
>3. Sorry, but you're not really my type.
>4. Good evening, officer. Isn't it lovely out tonight?
>5. Oh, I couldn't. No one wants to hear me sing
>
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