Cross post.. being torn on 2nd child

Im TTC child # 2 which after a 2nd failed IUI is proving to be difficult. I have a 5 yr old DS, and 36 yrs olds puts me in the "advanced maternal age" category.

I will have to call the dr. tomorrow and decide if i want to try again (as I believe this last round was timed really poorly). or throw in the towel and start to accept another child might not be in my future.

I do not feel complete. DH does and is happy with one, but knows how much I want another and is invested in this now as well.

On one hand I know how hard it will be with a newborn. Going back to bottles, diapers, coordinating daycare. I work in NJ, live in PA; DH works in Philly. So I'd ideally have to find an in home daycare (for affordability) or have someone stay at my house with a baby to make logistics easier. DS will start catholic school and will no longer be at the daycare on site at my job. (the daycare on site is a small fortune for newborn care so I wouldnt consider that until at least toddler stage).

In one sense I have a happy bright child now. Why do I want to push the envelope. We are in a place now financially where we are saving some money every month, can afford a few vacations and travel easily. A newborn changes all of that.

However, I feel like w/o a sibling I will leave him all alone in this world one day. We do not have cousins his age that he is close with or is growing up with. Now that he's starting a local school Im sure he will make friends over the course of his life, but I just cant shake this feeling that down the road the burden of his parents will be all on him.

I've looked into full out adoption and its just too expensive. I've thought of fostering to adopt but that comes with its own set of challenges as well.

Im not really sure what Im looking for here either by writing all of this out.

Cross post.. being torn on 2nd child

I say go for it if you don't continue to try then you will have the regret of what if. 36 isn't old at all. And a couple failed iuis isn't a reason to quit. All those concerns you mentioned are temporary. But a second child and sibling are gifts forever.

Re: Cross post.. being torn on 2nd child

I was in the same situation as you. When DS turned 2, we tried for #2. I had a biochemical followed by a MC followed by2 or 3 failed IUIs. We took a break. We started again and I had a failed IUI but now I'm pregnant. I'm 37 now and I kind of feel too old to be doing this but it was really important to me that DS have a sibling. I love my brother and I want DS to get to have that kind of relationship. If you don't feel done, don't be. Don't give up.

Re: Cross post.. being torn on 2nd child

Re: Cross post.. being torn on 2nd child

Re: Cross post.. being torn on 2nd child

I dont feel done. But I know I dont want to go the road of IVF. So I may try the IUI one more time.

I do have issues which make it sort of impossible to conceive with out help. My uterus is titled way far back and puts my cervix in a weird spot. and while DH has a high sperm count, he has a lot of mucuous which makes them not travel well. Once the dr. does the wash, then they are fine. So on our own it wasnt working.

Cross post.. being torn on 2nd child

omg! i could have written this post!! down to the NJ part (we live here) LOL
our story is that i was born with a genetic condition and part of it is that basically i have no ovaries. technically i could carry a pregnancy through donor eggs- but they really don't recommend it bc it could cause other heart problems, etc.
SO i knw about this my whole life, and always kind of knew i would adopt, or use a surrogate if whoever i married felt really strongly about having a biological kid.
I met DH and he was on board with adoption. so, almost 3 years ago, we adopted our son from Korea. he is 4.5 now... and is the most amazing little guy!!! such a personality- loving, sweet, smart... i really do think he would make an awesome big brother.
BUT--- as you said, adoption is expensive, time consuming--- and all of our family lives several hours away, so we really have NO help with DS (nobody to take him for a couple hours so we can do yard work on the weekends, or to go do drs apps or whatever....) and its exhausting traveling to see our families or having them come to see us.. i can't imagine doing it with 2 kids!!
BUT at the same time, i have a sister and can't imagine not having her!!! like you said, as we get older DS is going to need somebody on his side to help him. He also have NO cousins his age (my sister doesn't have any kid yet, and my DH is an only child) so he really is all by himself right now. it breaks my heart for him :-/
i'm getting closer and closer to just going for a second adoption. like somebody else said- the fears i have about having 2 are temporary- eventually they'll both be in school full time, they'll get older and be able to do more things on their own- so i won't be chasing 2 kids around to get them dressed, shoes on, etc, etc,etc..... DH is an only child and he's fine with just having one.... but as i told him, i don't want a couple hard years to keep DS from having a sibling for life, ya know??
ANYWAY--- feel free to message me and chat, bc i'm having the exact same feelings!!!

Re: Cross post.. being torn on 2nd child

Re: Cross post.. being torn on 2nd child

I would absolutely go for it. I went through IVF to conceive DD1 and am about to start another cycle at the age of 41 (almost 42). We have gone back and forth about it but I really want DD to have a sibling. If it doesn't work, then so be it. But I feel like I have to at least try. And 36 is young!!

Cross post.. being torn on 2nd child

36 is young!! I am 30 and most of my friends haven't had children yet, most aren't even married!! I think waiting till later in life is becoming more and more normal.
I would say just try. If not you have that "what if" regret.

Re: Cross post.. being torn on 2nd child

It seems obvious to me you aren't done. And 2 failed IUIs (especially if one wasn't well-timed) is not a lot. Nobody gives up after trying after only 2 months! Try again! Did you use stims? IUIs have only ever worked for me when on injectables and when I had multiple follies. Also 36 isn't old! I'm 35 and having my 2nd in 11 days (or less!).

Re: Cross post.. being torn on 2nd child

Re: Cross post.. being torn on 2nd child

As an only child and the daughter of an only child, despite it taking 5 years to get #1 I will go through IVF again if necessary for #2, though being I'm 35 now, and we just had DD, I would probably give myself 6 months naturally and a year tops on fertility.

But I know exactly what you mean about being all alone... I saw how hard it was when my moms parents died, leaving me her only remaining direct blood relative. When my grandma fell down a ravine in NC and was helicoptered to a hospital in Tennessee my mom had to make all the decisions herself and comfort my grandfather. When a year later my grandfather died my mom had to handle everything herself. Luckily I was in college and my dad and her have an amazing marriage. So she had support, but it was still very hard for her. And if something ever happens to my dad I'm all she would have left. Someday I'll go through the same thing, were my only direct blood relative will be my child or children. I hope that they never have to go through that, because they will have each other. My dad's dad died this winter and it was so different and nice to see them handle things together as siblings.

Although there are advantages to being an only child. My parents traveled more and brought me with them because traveling with three isn't hard. ,when they could they let me bring a friend on vacation., I was really good at entertaining myself, I had college paid for because they only had one child to cover and even today my parents can do so much for me because I'm the only one. And sometimes I see what pains DH's siblings can be and I am glad I don't have any.

As a kid I rarely wished for siblings, but as an adult I often wish I had one. But My mom did IVF for #2 back when she had to go to VA to do it, only place in the country.

Re: Cross post.. being torn on 2nd child

There are so many factors here, but please don't let your age stop you!
I had my boys at 35 and 37. I have many friends who had kids after 35 and 40!
Due to people getting married later, and life being so expensive, many people are delaying having kids.