Crashing for some Advice

I am not a parent but I am crashing your board for some advice.

My niece is 8 years old, her mother is Italian and her father is Jamaican. This mix has given her these GORGEOUS curls.

My sister does not really know how to maintain her hair, so it grows OUT instead of down and it just gets bigger and bigger as it gets longer.

The other day my sister found clumps of hair in her daughter's room. Her daughter was cutting off all of her hair! When confronted she broke down into tears and said "I want to look like everyone else - I hate my hair! I want straight blonde hair, nobody looks like me"

Now some family members have suggested getting her hair permanently straightened, but we know nothing about that and I cant imagine putting chemicals into her hair. I suggested to my sister to get her hair blown out once and explain to my niece that she can wear her hair straight for special events if she wants to.

My sister is torn because she feels like she is saying "yes you are right, curls ARE bad and we are going to get rid of them now"

We *try* to expose her to both cultures but it is hard because my italian family is huge and my BIL has NO family, just his parents are in NY

Anyway, my niece is breaking my heart. I hate that she is hurting so much. Does anyone have any suggestions?

Thank you so much for listening

Re: Crashing for some Advice

I think the suggestion of having her blown out for special occasions is a great idea. As far as every day maintenance, maybe she can just slick her hair into a pony tail, and then braid the rest.

Re: Crashing for some Advice

My friend had a similar issue, she was a blonde from Germany and married a black man. She had no idea what to do with her daughter's hair. It was curly, but really big.

She took her to a black hairdresser and found out what products to use. After that, her curls were so nice and cute. Still a lot of hair, but defined curls.

Re: Crashing for some Advice

I know there is a place in the city that caters only to curly hair. Maybe it is overkill for an 8 year old - but everyone that I know that goes there has much more beautiful managable hair then before they started going there...it makes a huge difference.

Re: Crashing for some Advice

Poor baby. That's a tough one.

I don't know if straightening it it the right thing to do.

First thing I would do, is take her to a hairdresser that specializes in textured hair. Maybe a good cut with some layering/razoring will make it a little bit more appealing to her.

But, I would really try to focus on teaching her that everyone is different and special in her own way.. some kids are short, have freckles, have curls,etc.. Each of these differences make us special. Maybe she could go to the library or search online for these types of books.

Also, does she know any other Jamaican children? Maybe your sister could take her to some Jamaican Cultural events, or to join some type of activity where she can see that there are other children in the world- other than blondes.

Good Luck!

Re: Crashing for some Advice

maybe she can get it "relaxed", and that might make it more manageable.

Re: Crashing for some Advice

No real advice - My DD's are 1/2 Indian, so I know that as they get older the same will happen with them.

At 8 years old, I wouldn't chemically treat her hair - She has all of her life to do that.

As a treat I would have her hair blown out.

I would also try to reinforce that her beautiful curls are what make her, her.
Probably easier said then done.

's

Re: Crashing for some Advice

Message edited 10/23/2007 9:29:30 PM.

Re: Crashing for some Advice

thank you so much for all your responses - i appreciate the advice and i am sure my sister will also

i definitely agree we need to find a good salon that specializes in her type of hair . . . right now my uncle cuts her hair ( he is a barber and he cut all of our hair when we were young ) and he is as clueless as us!

We also don't really know what kind of products to use so they will be able to help us out with that

As for exposing her to Jamaican events, that is a GREAT idea. . . my sister's ILs really haven't made an effort to expose her to the culture ( besides the awesome food ) so I guess we will have to make more of an effort to do so ourselves.

Thank you everyone for the quick responses

Re: Crashing for some Advice

Everyone gave great advice.

I agree with trying to make her feel beautiful without any "fixing up". and understanding that everyone is different, but just as beautiful, and that she doesnt have to look like everyone. Im sure there are childrens books that she will be able to relate to, that will make her feel good about herself.

i hope she soon realizes how beautiful she is.

Re: Crashing for some Advice

Best of luck with what you decide
I grew up with curly hair as well so I can somewhat relate to how she is feeling. Allow her to embrace what she has. She has the rest of her life to try to change it. Also, as she goes through puberty, her hair will change. I think by going to a salon like Ouidad, she will only benefit by gaining more self confidence.

Re: Crashing for some Advice

I completely do not agree with straightening her hair. First, it is a denial of her culture and her race. There are many people who feel very strongly about this. For years women of color have been told that long, straight, shiny hair=beautiful by our white dominated media/culture and that is so wrong. Her hair is beautiful and she should be encourage to embrace it as a unique cultural badge of honor but I agree, she just needs to be educated on taking care of it. Poor baby needs a woman of Jamaican culture to teach her. She will feel so much better about herself. I think right now, her wish for straight hair is a wish to fit into a family/neighborhood/society of people who look different than her.

It's a different example, but I can sympathize, I was the only girl growing up in an all male household and very heavily dominated male family... to this day, I can't put on eyeshadow I could have used a close female role-model but never had one. How I learned what I do know was all picked up through friends. Good thing, I hung out with good girls.

Second, relaxers are strong chemicals. I would not expose an 8 year old to such.

Definitely take her to a beauty salon that caters to women of color and explain the situation. I'm sure they would be more than happy to help.

Good luck

Re: Crashing for some Advice

I grew up with really curly and uncontrollable hair. All I ever wanted was pin straight and blonde hair also. Nobody had RED hair!

I did have it relaxed at one time when I was about 11--it was experimental. I loved it!

Once I got into High School, I began to accept my curly red hair, and by the time I was in college, I LOVED it! It is so unique and not like anybody else!

I am almost 30 and have never dyed it--I never will--I LOVE my color now!

Re: Crashing for some Advice

I wouldn't straighten it because that causes so much damage. I use these products on my son's hair from a company Blended Beauty and his curls look great.

If it is too much to handle still, I would probably go have her hair braided or even cornrows.Blended Beauty

Re: Crashing for some Advice

Posted by Tah-wee-ZAH

I completely do not agree with straightening her hair. First, it is a denial of her culture and her race. There are many people who feel very strongly about this. For years women of color have been told that long, straight, shiny hair=beautiful by our white dominated media/culture and that is so wrong. Her hair is beautiful and she should be encourage to embrace it as a unique cultural badge of honor but I agree, she just needs to be educated on taking care of it. Poor baby needs a woman of Jamaican culture to teach her. She will feel so much better about herself. I think right now, her wish for straight hair is a wish to fit into a family/neighborhood/society of people who look different than her.

It's a different example, but I can sympathize, I was the only girl growing up in an all male household and very heavily dominated male family... to this day, I can't put on eyeshadow I could have used a close female role-model but never had one. How I learned what I do know was all picked up through friends. Good thing, I hung out with good girls.

Second, relaxers are strong chemicals. I would not expose an 8 year old to such.

Definitely take her to a beauty salon that caters to women of color and explain the situation. I'm sure they would be more than happy to help.

Good luck

Re: Crashing for some Advice

Re: Crashing for some Advice

Posted by Tah-wee-ZAH

I completely do not agree with straightening her hair. First, it is a denial of her culture and her race. There are many people who feel very strongly about this. For years women of color have been told that long, straight, shiny hair=beautiful by our white dominated media/culture and that is so wrong. Her hair is beautiful and she should be encourage to embrace it as a unique cultural badge of honor but I agree, she just needs to be educated on taking care of it. Poor baby needs a woman of Jamaican culture to teach her. She will feel so much better about herself. I think right now, her wish for straight hair is a wish to fit into a family/neighborhood/society of people who look different than her.

It's a different example, but I can sympathize, I was the only girl growing up in an all male household and very heavily dominated male family... to this day, I can't put on eyeshadow I could have used a close female role-model but never had one. How I learned what I do know was all picked up through friends. Good thing, I hung out with good girls.

Second, relaxers are strong chemicals. I would not expose an 8 year old to such.

Definitely take her to a beauty salon that caters to women of color and explain the situation. I'm sure they would be more than happy to help.

Good luck

Re: Crashing for some Advice

Posted by Tah-wee-ZAH

I completely do not agree with straightening her hair. First, it is a denial of her culture and her race. There are many people who feel very strongly about this. For years women of color have been told that long, straight, shiny hair=beautiful by our white dominated media/culture and that is so wrong. Her hair is beautiful and she should be encourage to embrace it as a unique cultural badge of honor but I agree, she just needs to be educated on taking care of it. Poor baby needs a woman of Jamaican culture to teach her. She will feel so much better about herself. I think right now, her wish for straight hair is a wish to fit into a family/neighborhood/society of people who look different than her.

It's a different example, but I can sympathize, I was the only girl growing up in an all male household and very heavily dominated male family... to this day, I can't put on eyeshadow I could have used a close female role-model but never had one. How I learned what I do know was all picked up through friends. Good thing, I hung out with good girls.

Second, relaxers are strong chemicals. I would not expose an 8 year old to such.

Definitely take her to a beauty salon that caters to women of color and explain the situation. I'm sure they would be more than happy to help.

Good luck