Anyone else find themselves with split personality?

I go from feeling "ok" about everything.. feeling like it will happen for us soon and we have every reason in the world to be optimistic, etc... to then later on feeling sorry for myself and completely reminiscent of my last pregnancy and what I lost.

I've been really trying to keep up the attitude of, whining about this will get me nowhere- but what it comes down to is sometimes I just feel like tossing myself on the ground and throwing kicks and punches in the air .. because I'm not supposed to be trying to have a baby right now. I went down this road before. I was supposed to be 30wks pregnant with my son . Instead staring at a freshly painted nursery with blue walls, its filled with boxes and still used for storage.

I in no way mean for this to be a pity post .. just curious if anyone else can relate to these drastic mood changes where in a moment, everything goes from manageable to completely nostalgic, sad, or hopeless.

I just want to come out of this a success story already and I fear that a bfp won't be enough (tough believe me it will help!!). I just want to make it uneventfully to 17.5wks.. hold my belly ... and wonder HOW I managed to say goodbye to my last one at that point.

Like I said, this really is one of those "tell me if you can relate" posts. I didn't mean for it to be one of those "why me" vents! Though, I guess it kind of turned into that

Re: Anyone else find themselves with split personality?

absolutely... like i said in your post yesterday... every day is different for me... today i feel great... Saturday was awful... for the most part i have been feeling ok, which i am thankful for...

i have too much time to think... i have very little work... and all i do is reserach stuff online and think about why this happened... to top it off... im not so sure it was even ectopic... im mad at myself for not demanding that blood be taken & a sono be done the day i got the shot...

Re: Anyone else find themselves with split personality?

Re: Anyone else find themselves with split personality?

Posted by PennyCat

Posted by AngnShaun

to top it off... im not so sure it was even ectopic... im mad at myself for not demanding that blood be taken & a sono be done the day i got the shot...

feel like at this point you just have to have faith in the doctors that they did the right thing!!

I started feeling like that about my own loss- which was a completely different situation.. but still.. I basically had 3 doctors confirm the horrible complications- yet there's still a part of my mind that wonders WHAT IF .. though for me, I know that's irrational and those complications without a doubt existed. There's just a part of my brain that can't accept it- that's the same part of me that at times touches my belly and imagines it's still August.. and for a moment, it's like none of it had ever happened.

Re: Anyone else find themselves with split personality?

The last two months I have been psychotic. The emotional toll that losses take on you are unreal. Just today, mid-meltdown, a male coworker of mine accidentally walked into my room. I am close with him so I shared what has been going on. He said "Wow, I could tell something was wrong with you. You haven't been yourself for awhile now"

I feel like everyone can tell something is up and that I'm fragile. I can't even count how many people have found me crying at work. Some days are bearable, others I just want to crawl up on the floor and die. It is the worst once DD goes to bed and I'm alone in my misery.

I know it has to get better though. for all of us.

Re: Anyone else find themselves with split personality?

Absolutely!

I go for my beta tomorrow, but I know in my heart of hearts that it's negative. I didn't have a loss, but I just don't know if it'll ever happen. Today I tried to not cry, but as I type this I am. I don't know how to deal with everything. Things were bad enough with the PCOS, but with DH having the CBAVD and literally having a zero sperm count, it's impossible. I just got off the phone with a friend that was dying to tell me her friend was pregnant. She doesn't know we're doing this because at a party a few months ago she basically screamed, "Nicole, one of my patients is a fertility doctor. You should call her" She knows about the PCOS. I was mortified. She thrives off of other's misfortunes. She doesn't mean it, but I've had enough. Of course this friend she was telling me about got pregnant on the first shot and the husband said, "I guess I have some great swimmers." At which point I wanted to scream, that's nice, maybe he can share some with my husband who has NONE. Awesome conversation when you're awoken from a nap because you're not quite ready to deal with the world. DH and I were just discussing this at dinner. If I knew it would take 4 rounds of IVF and I'd be pregnant, I'd wholeheartedly go through those 4 rounds, but I have to realize it may never happen. It may not happen before we run out of insurance coverage. There are way too many unknowns. I know I need to gear up for next cycle and I will, but at this point I just want to know why it didn't work. What else could possibly be wrong with us? To answer the original question, yes. I do feel like two different people. One sane person and one crazy person who can't deal with reality all that well.

I truly wish you the best. I know it'll happen for you and your DH. I know that doesn't really help. It's just a really horrible situation and we have to deal with it and move forward somehow. We are determined women who will have very loved children.

Re: Anyone else find themselves with split personality?

100%. The only way to describe my emotions is a roller coaster with extremely high highs and low lows.

Re: Anyone else find themselves with split personality?

Re: Anyone else find themselves with split personality?

YES YES YES! As much as you want to be positive abs not throw yourself a pity why me party ya know what go ahead! We all go through so much and at this point I feel like I deserve to feel all why me! Could things be worse, sure but this IF thing is tough and if throwing a tantrum, having a pity party and trying to move on is why you need do it! I know I have!

Re: Anyone else find themselves with split personality?

Absolutely know how you feel! This journey has been a complete rollercoaster. One minute I'd be reading inspirational quotes telling myself not to lose hope and then the next I would be crying and wondering why it's not happening. It's ok to have those low feelings. I think those periods of lows is what gets us to the next high.

Re: Anyone else find themselves with split personality?

Posted by Daisy21

Absolutely!

I go for my beta tomorrow, but I know in my heart of hearts that it's negative. I didn't have a loss, but I just don't know if it'll ever happen. Today I tried to not cry, but as I type this I am. I don't know how to deal with everything. Things wjavascript:FEmote('');ere bad enough with the PCOS, but with DH having the CBAVD and literally having a zero sperm count, it's impossible. I just got off the phone with a friend that was dying to tell me her friend was pregnant. She doesn't know we're doing this because at a party a few months ago she basically screamed, "Nicole, one of my patients is a fertility doctor. You should call her" She knows about the PCOS. I was mortified. She thrives off of other's misfortunes. She doesn't mean it, but I've had enough. Of course this friend she was telling me about got pregnant on the first shot and the husband said, "I guess I have some great swimmers." At which point I wanted to scream, that's nice, maybe he can share some with my husband who has NONE. Awesome conversation when you're awoken from a nap because you're not quite ready to deal with the world. DH and I were just discussing this at dinner. If I knew it would take 4 rounds of IVF and I'd be pregnant, I'd wholeheartedly go through those 4 rounds, but I have to realize it may never happen. It may not happen before we run out of insurance coverage. There are way too many unknowns. I know I need to gear up for next cycle and I will, but at this point I just want to know why it didn't work. What else could possibly be wrong with us? To answer the original question, yes. I do feel like two different people. One sane person and one crazy person who can't deal with reality all that well.

I truly wish you the best. I know it'll happen for you and your DH. I know that doesn't really help. It's just a really horrible situation and we have to deal with it and move forward somehow. We are determined women who will have very loved children.

Re: Anyone else find themselves with split personality?

Re: Anyone else find themselves with split personality?

Posted by PennyCat

I go from feeling "ok" about everything.. feeling like it will happen for us soon and we have every reason in the world to be optimistic, etc... to then later on feeling sorry for myself and completely reminiscent of my last pregnancy and what I lost.

I've been really trying to keep up the attitude of, whining about this will get me nowhere- but what it comes down to is sometimes I just feel like tossing myself on the ground and throwing kicks and punches in the air .. because I'm not supposed to be trying to have a baby right now. I went down this road before. I was supposed to be 30wks pregnant with my son . Instead staring at a freshly painted nursery with blue walls, its filled with boxes and still used for storage.

I in no way mean for this to be a pity post .. just curious if anyone else can relate to these drastic mood changes where in a moment, everything goes from manageable to completely nostalgic, sad, or hopeless.

I just want to come out of this a success story already and I fear that a bfp won't be enough (tough believe me it will help!!). I just want to make it uneventfully to 17.5wks.. hold my belly ... and wonder HOW I managed to say goodbye to my last one at that point.

Like I said, this really is one of those "tell me if you can relate" posts. I didn't mean for it to be one of those "why me" vents! Though, I guess it kind of turned into that

Re: Anyone else find themselves with split personality?

Yes, I tend to think of it as bi-polar. I go from being really excited to not even sure if it is worth it. It is a lot to deal with and we are only human, so how can we not have very emotion possible. Trying to stay positive and hopeful is easier said than done.

Message edited 11/10/2010 1:44:27 PM.

Re: Anyone else find themselves with split personality?

I absolutely do!!

Most days, I hang on by the edge of my seat, just waiting for that call or text or IM.........that someone else is PG. Once that thought comes to mind, my heart falls to my feet, and my heart instantly just falls apart.

It sux! It truly does!

Re: Anyone else find themselves with split personality?

totally relate

90% of the time, i'm positive, feel good that i'll just keep slugging away at everything and one of these days it will definitely happen for us.
5% of the time, i get really down and have a pity party moment (usually the day i get a BFP or AF) but it only lasts a day or so and then i'm back to feeling positive for the future.

But, last night, i had a random total bummer of a night. I lay on the couch wondering what the hell i was doing, is this all even worth it, do i really want to keep doing this, going through all the appointments and meds and stress.. Wondering if i should just give up..

i think it was brought on my a conversation i overheard at work between several women who were all joking about getting pregnant and being super lighthearted about 'when i get pregnant i'm going to do this' and things like that. It made me want to stand up and scream at them to not be so sure that it will be so easy and to stop talking about it so cavalierly because they have no idea what others might be going through. But i didn't of course, i sat there and said nothing.
Then when i got home, there was a bill for $750 for some tests i had done that all came back negative, and i think that pushed me over the edge.
We just spent several thousands of dollars to have specialized tests run, hoping that something would explain WHY we cannot get pregnant. And NOTHING is wrong with us. NOTHING.

DH was out and when he came home to see me moping, he immediately knew something was wrong. The sad thing is, he couldn't say much to make me feel better because he's usually the one who feels like that, and i'm the one who's telling him to stay positive. So we talked a bit and i went to bed feeling really

So yes, i can relate. But that's what we're all here for.. To keep each other positive, help our fellow journeyers when they need a hand, and share our stories

hang in there.. it'll get better and you'll be on an upswing soon i'm sure!

Re: Anyone else find themselves with split personality?

The highs and lows are totally normal. even the in betweens.

And all within the same day too. I felt the same exact way.

One moment you are sad it happend, then you are hopeful that things will work out in the end, then you are nostalgic about what you had a lost, then you are strong and "can get through this" and "can get through anything" then you are devistated that this had to happen in the first place.

It's a very messy rollercoaster of emotions. Probably the strongest emotions you've ever felt, and all at once too.

I think it's not only important to let those feeling out by talking about them... but to bond with your SO at this time. Share these emotions with him. I'm sure he is somewhat feeling the same way. It also helps him understand what you are feeling, what's going through your mind and how you are holding up.

After my MC... I was having MAJOR issues with anxiety. I've never had anxiety issues before... def not like what was going on with me. I would have an anxiety attack that would last, seriously for 6 days straight. I couldn't sleep, eat, or do anything but sit there and shake. It was bizzare. I ended up having to go to therapy... I went to a social worker who specializing in mc losses and transistion. She does group work and couples work. I went with DH. The main focus was me.... but it was helpful that DH was there for all of it. He heard what I was feeling... and through it all we really were able to bond and become closer. I really do urge each of you to share these feelings with you guys. Lean on one another... that's what these relationships are all about.

What you went through was TRAGIC and you haver every rigth to feel all the emotions are you feeling over it. It's hard to pay attention to the calendar days turning and turning and remembering where you were and where you should be now. You can't help but do that. I do promise that time is the best medicine. Time is really what helps the most. You will never heal completely, there will always be that scar there; that reminder of what you have been through... but I do promise with time it does get easier. It won't be tomorrow, and probably not the day after... but eventually you will start to have more of the positive moments and less of the sad and negative ones.

I know it's probably hard now.... but spend time doing things and try to keep busy. It does help. I know for me, I didn't care to see people after it all happened. I was fearful that I would break down in public and someone would see my cry over it. So take as much time as you need.

And you will get that BFP. Don't ever lose hope!!!

Re: Anyone else find themselves with split personality?

Absoooofreakingloutely !!!! I think all the ladies here can relate, the EXTREME highs and lows can get exhausting and beyond stressful.

Hang in there hun, your time will come and you WILL have the family of your dreams!

Re: Anyone else find themselves with split personality?

Highs, lows, on a roller coaster, trying to be strong for everyone, I never know what mood Im going to feel. Im going off meds and Im so grouchy and edgy and I feel bad for my husband. I don't cry much, I think Im numb most of the time. I find that I cry when Im in the car alone or with my mom. I try to stay positive and Im trying to convince everyone around me to be positive but inside Im scared to death and I don't want to go there. I have many personalities and I think it is normal.

Re: Anyone else find themselves with split personality?

We all definitely have our ups and downs. There are days where I'm focused on other aspects of my life, and feel confident that one day, I will be a parent. There are other days where a simple email or seemingly innocent comment from someone will bring me to tears in a nanosecond.

It's okay to feel sorry for yourself and about your situation, and to think about what you lost. It's important to let yourself experience those emotions.

Re: Anyone else find themselves with split personality?

Thanks everyone

I'm really trying to not allow myself to get too down about the first cycle back not working. I'm already full invested in this next protocol and moving forward.. I think the best medicine for dealing with all of this is think about it as little as possible... mainly go through the motions and hope that at the end of the protocol, there's the bfp.. and then a heartbeat.. and 9 months later, a baby (I really never thought I would have to specify wanting anything beyond a positive HPT, etc.)

I figured people would relate to the rollercoaster effect of infertility...... I'm so ready for this ride to be over though! Lets finish off 2010 the right way!

Message edited 11/11/2010 9:46:13 AM.

Re: Anyone else find themselves with split personality?

I feel like I am having one of those days today. Confirmed chemical last week. Had a meltdown and afterwards felt much better and positive of the future. Had a great weekend and a great week of not even thinking about TTC. Now today I went for a beta (hopefully at 0) and I feel like the roller coaster is starting again. I am already almost dreading trying again for the sheer fact that it makes me an emotional wreck! I am not myself and I hate that. This is supposed to be fun and it is far from it!

I guess we just need to keep our heads high and be hopeful that one day it will happen!