A weird question... edited to take out personal info...

I would like to know how you ladies teach your children about privacy, and not letting people EVER touch them. Even people that they do know and should trust.

It's one thing to teach about strangers, but how do you teach them to know when someone they love is doing something to them, and they should speak up?


I work with peolpe with special needs, and when working on a sexuality training presentation, read a lot about teaching kids the correct names of their private parts - so that it is easier to discuss these things with them. what are your ladies thoughts about this?

This is a sick world we live in. We can never be too sure that our children are safe. I look at little Cailen growing up and want him to be as safe as possible. Sexual abuse is the most devastating and destructive abuse imaginable... trust me when I say this....



so, if you are comfortable sharing your thoughts, advice, and suggestions, please do so....TIA

Message edited 8/5/2007 11:25:30 PM.

Re: A weird question... going to get very personal here...

This is a really good question.

I was a rape crisis hotline counselor in college and I remember someone touching on this in my training. They discussed that you should respect a child's wish *not* to kiss/hug someone. If you encourage them against their wishes, it sets a bad precedent.

I guess I will tell Jordana that these are her special places and no one should touch her there. If someone does or tries to , she should always tell mommy or daddy. But I don't know how effective that is for preventing it...

This is a very good question.

Re: A weird question... going to get very personal here...

Well, a close family member of mine was molested by her father, and he is now in jail. We do not hide this fact and we all speak freely of it in my family, as we helped her get through it. He married into the family, so it was kind of easy to disown anything that we have to do with him. Anyway, I will just tell Ava that if anyone, family member, friend, stranger, touches her in any place on her body or speaks to her in a manner that makes her uncomfortable, she is to tell an adult, even if they say not to. I think just keeping the lines of communication open and teaching your child that their body is personal and private is a good way to hopefully ensure that if someone DOES touch them, they can tell you. The more comfortable you are speaking about it, the more comfortable they will be speaking about it. I truly believe that.

Re: A weird question... going to get very personal here...

I am one of those people who think "it can never happen to me" so I guess I wear the rose colored glasses... I do tell Emma that her privates are for her only and that no one is allowed to touch them other than her or mommy. (im sure daddy would be in there too but I figure it should just be the girls). I do have to intervene when Emma and Jeremy are in the tub since they both think it's funny to poke at each others privates but of course I go into the you don't touch each other there they are his and that is yours speech. I never got into the tell mommy if someone does something because we are never apart, other than with my mother, but now that she will be in school I guess those conversations need to begin.

Re: A weird question... going to get very personal here...

Thanks for posting ladies- I appreciate it. I hate to be paranoid, but I want to make sure that Cailen never goes thru what this poor child is going thru. I want to make sure I do it right, so I dont make him overly paranoid.

I agree with never "making" a child hug or kiss someone.

The tough part is that kids are taught to listen to adults, that they are always right, and never to challenge them....

Re: A weird question... going to get very personal here...

But I also think it's important to talk to your kids about that stuff because I have heard about incidents of other KIDS trying to touch someone else's private areas, and they need to know that NO ONE, not an adult, child, teacher, priest, or anyone should be touching there.

Re: A weird question... going to get very personal here...

I would just make sure you have an open relationship with him. They can come to you with any problem and you make sure you tell them if it is something bad that they will not get in trouble. I've btdt with Emma. She kept something from me (spilling something) because she thought I would be mad but I made a point of telling her that I am not angry because she told me the truth. I dont want her thinking if something like that happens that it is bad and mommy will get angry.

Message edited 8/5/2007 11:17:17 PM.

Re: A weird question... going to get very personal here...

Re: A weird question... edited to take out personal info...

We've taught our kids that no one is allowed to touch their privates AND that they should never touch anyone else's privates. They know that only Mommy, Daddy, Grandma and Dr. Cavanaugh (only if Mommy, Daddy or Grandma are in the room) are allowed to touch their privates. We specifically named our pediatrician because I never want someone to be able to say they're a doctor.

We've also discussed "secrets" and how there are good secrets (Mother's Day presents, surprise gifts) & bad secrets. If anyone tells them to keep a secret from Mommy or Daddy, they need to tell us & they won't get in trouble at all. It's hard to be consistent with this because some of the secrets involve your child misbehaving with another child - and we still cannot get angry. It's more important that they don't keep secrets to us.

There is a brief period during potty training where wiping is an issue.

Unfortunately I know several people that were molested by their relatives. It is extremely disturbing that these people invite those family members to parties WITH KIDS. It never occurred to me that someone who was molested would even allow the person in their home but I've seen it firsthand when that molester was a close relative.

Re: A weird question... edited to take out personal info...

I was just talking about this on Saturday because when we were at a BBQ, Alex was going up to every stranger and saying HI, and at one point we turned around and she was sitting on some yenta's lap, flirting away. One of the people at the BBQ turned to me and asked if I'm worried about her being so fearless with strangers.

I told him no, I want her to feel comfortable in being as social as she chooses. But, at some point, and I don't know when that point is - preferably sooner than later - I'm going to explain to her that if anyone, whether a stranger, a friend, a loved one, does anything, including touching or speaking in an inappropriate manner, to make her uncomfortable, she should tell them NO and immediately come to me or DH, even if they tell her not to, or that she will get in trouble. And further explain that she won't get in trouble.

It's touchy - I want her to be the social little butterly that she is, but I know I have to have this talk with her, but at the same time, I don't want to make her paranoid. I hate that we live in this kind of world that I have to grapple with these issues.

Re: A weird question... edited to take out personal info...

I don't know if this is what you are looking for, but when Sarah was first born I saw a story on the morning shows that said you should teach your kids that no one other than mommy & daddy should touch them in their bathing suit areas. I liked how easy that was to explain to a young kid and how it would be easy for them to understand.

Re: A weird question... edited to take out personal info...

Message edited 8/6/2007 8:04:48 AM.

Re: A weird question... edited to take out personal info...

double post

Message edited 8/6/2007 8:26:07 AM.

Re: A weird question... edited to take out personal info...

Re: A weird question... edited to take out personal info...

DH knew two people (one male and one female) who were both sexually abused as young children
Neither one of them has had a "normal" life so to speak.

For the female, it lead to sexual promiscuity, alcoholism, lack of ability to hold a job, indecisiveness about career, inability to stay in any type of long term relationship (friendship, family, or romantic), serious overspending issues (not good when you can't hold a job), depression, hoarding of everything... the scars were so deep it prohibited her from fully functioning in every other aspect of life. She's completely unstable despite YEARS and years of therapy and anti-depressants.

The male he knows was sexually abuses by his mother from a very early age. He's in his 40's but is "emotionally retarded" in many ways. He too just can't seem to get any aspect of his life together and suffers from untreated (due to lack of health insurance from inability to hold down a job) bi-polar syndrome.

It is a terrible crime, is largely hidden in families (so many are abused by the people closest to them) and seems, for many, to just ruin their lives.

WE might start talking to them even before we are fully sure they understand and then repeat the conversation periodically. I think Barb had some good points and the bathing suit guideline is excellent as well.

Re: A weird question... edited to take out personal info...

Child molestation is probably the worst crime I can think of and this is affecting both girls and boys.

I will have the "talk" with DS. I believe when he will start "discovering" his little parts. Most likelly at 2 or 3. It's never too early to warn them that they are bad people and that it's OK to tell on them. Not only daycare, sporting activities but YES... family members and family friends. Most child molestation cases are from family members or family friends.

I actually don't like the "secret" game children have. I always discourage my niece (who is going to be 6) from telling me secrets. I told her that there should be no secrets and we dont' hide anything from mom and dad.

We always think it's never going to happen to us. Unfortunatelly, the amount of child molestations cases is well underestimated.

We are spending our energy, love, etc... to protect them and some pervert just RUIN it in the split of a second.

I could go on and on. This is a VERY bad "pet peeve" of mine.

Re: A weird question... edited to take out personal info...

Yes - the bathing suit concept is a very good one to use....

Thanks for all of your input!

Re: A weird question... edited to take out personal info...

Re: A weird question... edited to take out personal info...

Posted by nrthshgrl
If you can stomach watching "The Woodsmen", I found it amazing how the predator truly believed that the children involved were deriving pleasure from it & it was a love thing.

Message edited 8/6/2007 8:54:31 PM.