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Need some advice - MIL related

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OrganicMama
So in love with my little man!

Member since 6/08

5172 total posts

Name:
Mama

Need some advice - MIL related

This might initially sound crazy, but please read through before making any judgments Chat Icon

We have asked MIL not to kiss DS anywhere except the top of his head (where he has hair), basically she can not come into contact with his skin when she kisses him.

She kissed him on the mouth New Year's Eve and she had a full-blown cold sore a week later Chat Icon Chat Icon Within a few weeks, DS had his lip blow up with a sore like he had a cold sore and I was FURIOUS (luckily turned out it was eczema & acids in fruit irritated it really badly)!!!!! I called her and told her he might have a cold sore, and she kissed him on the mouth New Year's (she didn't remember because she was drinking Chat Icon ). I basically said she is never to kiss him anywhere on his skin, and NEVER, EVER should ANYONE be kissing my son on the mouth except me or DH. We got the cold shoulder for a while, which was fine.

Fast forward to a month ago, she tells me that she & FIL are upset with our "rules" (no kissing on skin, please wash hands & take shoes off when coming over). That basically means she's going to do what she wants anyways as long as I don't find out about it. Well, TWICE yesterday when I had family over for DH's birthday she snuck in a kiss on his ear/cheek when she thought I wasn't looking. DH saw it the last time, but didn't say anything. I didn't want to call her out at the party with everyone there, and when I say something to her sh!t hits the fan and she doesn't speak to us for months. So, my question is, what do I do? This has caused a lot of problems between me & DH, he hates being the go-between & he has a hard time standing up to his parents (his mom has a very forceful personality).

Also, I get flamed for the no kissing thing, I want to say that MIL has a cold sore AT LEAST once a month, usually several a month in the winter. It's not like she gets them once a year or something, so she's pretty contagious. I asked the ped about it and she said with MIL's history of sores she shouldn't be kissing DS at all, especially because he's a baby and he has an immature immune system.

What would you do if you were in this situation?

Posted 5/23/11 9:04 PM
 
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greenybeans
:)

Member since 8/06

6435 total posts

Name:

Re: Need some advice - MIL related

That's a pretty unusual situation. I would probably ask her why she has so many cold sores, and suggest that she seek medical treatment for them.

Just tell her the truth.

Posted 5/23/11 9:18 PM
 

OrganicMama
So in love with my little man!

Member since 6/08

5172 total posts

Name:
Mama

Re: Need some advice - MIL related

Posted by KerriSteve

That's a pretty unusual situation. I would probably ask her why she has so many cold sores, and suggest that she seek medical treatment for them.

Just tell her the truth.




She has a terrible immune system, she's always sick and gets bronchitis at least once a year, sometimes pneumonia. She's never really taken care of herself, but even if she got treatment for the cold sore I still wouldn't let her kiss DS because the medication isn't 100%.

Posted 5/23/11 9:26 PM
 

csorisi
My 2 LOVES

Member since 11/05

1984 total posts

Name:
Corinne

Re: Need some advice - MIL related

I would tell her that you discussed it with your dr as you were concerned and tell her what the dr said--that she shouldn't be kissing him at all and you thought that was harsh so you are limiting it to his hair etc. You aren't doing this for any other reason then the welfare of your child and she should respect that. Also if your DH sees her doing it he should confront her--I am sure it is hard for her but it is a concern of yours and the dr and she should respect that.
good luck

Posted 5/23/11 9:32 PM
 

DBJ808
LIF Adult

Member since 6/09

1039 total posts

Name:
Dana

Re: Need some advice - MIL related

I would be concerned that they are more than cold sores if they are happening that often lol!

This is a VERY tough situation. I am a germ FREAK! I try to bite my lip with most things because I know I am crazy at times. I am not a fan of people kissing my baby on the face.... ESPECIALLY the lips. DH's best friend kissed DS on the lips when he was 1 week old. I almost fell off my chair!!!! It is triple disturbing knowing the amount of girls he has been with! Anyway, I don't make a big stink over people kissing his face (even though it drives me nuts) because i know I am in the minority who feels this way and I am nuts. HAHA I am VERY clear that no one is to kiss him on the mouth though. My mom has gotten offended by the but she respects my wishes. There are so many germs in and around peoples mouths.... it isn't necessary! DS likes to stick his finger up peoples noses and in their mouths now... not loving this stage!!! It totally grosses me out seeing his hand in my moms mouth. He also like to put peoples fingers in his mouth... I don't know what is worse! People don't think it is a big deal but it irks me to no end! With that said, it takes all of my strength to restrain myself from saying anything! As far as your MIL kissing DS.. it bothers you clearly! However, it is also a way she shows her affection towards him. I think the forehead or cheek should be ok IFFFFF she isn't having an outbreak. If she is having an outbreak she shouldn't be putting her face near him at all. I think this is such a tough situation but you don't want to restrict all contact and be so strict that she just disrespects your wishes altogether. In the end, it is her grandchild and she is going to basically say the heck with you in her mind if she thinks you "sound ridiculous" anyway. I can guarantee you my mom is giving my child spitty razz-berries, kissing his lips, and sucking on his fingers EVERY time I close the door. Drives me nuts lol

Posted 5/23/11 9:44 PM
 

springsandra
Baby girl has a baby brother!

Member since 11/09

7155 total posts

Name:
Sandra

Re: Need some advice - MIL related

Posted by csorisi

I would tell her that you discussed it with your dr as you were concerned and tell her what the dr said--that she shouldn't be kissing him at all and you thought that was harsh so you are limiting it to his hair etc. You aren't doing this for any other reason then the welfare of your child and she should respect that. Also if your DH sees her doing it he should confront her--I am sure it is hard for her but it is a concern of yours and the dr and she should respect that.
good luck



ITA with this.

I know it's horribly harsh, but I'd seriously consider cutting her out until he's older or she learns to control herself if she can't follow your "rules." I know, I'm a horrible person with apparently no respect for family, but I would just have to put my child first above that child's grandmother if it comes to his/her health if she's so selfish she's willing to sentence him to a lifetime of herpes because she can't control herself or be reasonable.

I just have to put my nuclear family first. That, or have your son wear a face mask around her so she physically can't put her lips on his.

I'm awful, sorry. I just hate when people don't respect parents wishes when the children could suffer as a result.

Posted 5/23/11 9:50 PM
 

OrganicMama
So in love with my little man!

Member since 6/08

5172 total posts

Name:
Mama

Re: Need some advice - MIL related

Posted by DBJ808

I would be concerned that they are more than cold sores if they are happening that often lol!

This is a VERY tough situation. I am a germ FREAK! I try to bite my lip with most things because I know I am crazy at times. I am not a fan of people kissing my baby on the face.... ESPECIALLY the lips. DH's best friend kissed DS on the lips when he was 1 week old. I almost fell off my chair!!!! It is triple disturbing knowing the amount of girls he has been with! Anyway, I don't make a big stink over people kissing his face (even though it drives me nuts) because i know I am in the minority who feels this way and I am nuts. HAHA I am VERY clear that no one is to kiss him on the mouth though. My mom has gotten offended by the but she respects my wishes. There are so many germs in and around peoples mouths.... it isn't necessary! DS likes to stick his finger up peoples noses and in their mouths now... not loving this stage!!! It totally grosses me out seeing his hand in my moms mouth. He also like to put peoples fingers in his mouth... I don't know what is worse! People don't think it is a big deal but it irks me to no end! With that said, it takes all of my strength to restrain myself from saying anything! As far as your MIL kissing DS.. it bothers you clearly! However, it is also a way she shows her affection towards him. I think the forehead or cheek should be ok IFFFFF she isn't having an outbreak. If she is having an outbreak she shouldn't be putting her face near him at all. I think this is such a tough situation but you don't want to restrict all contact and be so strict that she just disrespects your wishes altogether. In the end, it is her grandchild and she is going to basically say the heck with you in her mind if she thinks you "sound ridiculous" anyway. I can guarantee you my mom is giving my child spitty razz-berries, kissing his lips, and sucking on his fingers EVERY time I close the door. Drives me nuts lol




Here's the thing, anyone can get a cold sore on ANY part of their body. Just because she doesn't have an outbreak doesn't mean she isn't contagious. Cold sores/herpes are contagious before, during and I believe after an outbreak, and also during the "shedding" phase of the virus.

The herpes virus does not stay latent and at some point it will begin to replicate again without causing symptoms which is called shedding. During this stage is when the virus is the most transmissible through bodily fluids and can infect other people. This is the most dangerous stage of all as this is when the virus is undetectable with the high risk of spreading. This stage of herpes accounts for about a third of all HSV-2 infections. Article Source: http://EzineArticles.com/1874132

I know it's herpes is not life-threatening, but if he gets a cold sore and touches it, then touches his eye, it can cause blindness. Also, DS has recently discovered his private parts, so if he were to get a cold sore he could spread it to his genitals. Also, he could spread it to my nipple because I'm BFing!!! Chat Icon Chat Icon Chat Icon

I do not allow ILs to babysit, and MIL specifically is not allowed to be alone with DS because I don't trust her. She's always trying to put her hands in his mouth, and I know she will do everything I ask her NOT to do because she is spiteful.

Posted 5/23/11 9:55 PM
 

OrganicMama
So in love with my little man!

Member since 6/08

5172 total posts

Name:
Mama

Re: Need some advice - MIL related

Posted by springsandra

Posted by csorisi

I would tell her that you discussed it with your dr as you were concerned and tell her what the dr said--that she shouldn't be kissing him at all and you thought that was harsh so you are limiting it to his hair etc. You aren't doing this for any other reason then the welfare of your child and she should respect that. Also if your DH sees her doing it he should confront her--I am sure it is hard for her but it is a concern of yours and the dr and she should respect that.
good luck



ITA with this.

I know it's horribly harsh, but I'd seriously consider cutting her out until he's older or she learns to control herself if she can't follow your "rules." I know, I'm a horrible person with apparently no respect for family, but I would just have to put my child first above that child's grandmother if it comes to his/her health if she's so selfish she's willing to sentence him to a lifetime of herpes because she can't control herself or be reasonable.

I just have to put my nuclear family first. That, or have your son wear a face mask around her so she physically can't put her lips on his.

I'm awful, sorry. I just hate when people don't respect parents wishes when the children could suffer as a result.



That's the word.....SELFISH. She wants to do what she wants, she doesn't care about his health or any of my concerns. She got mad at me when I asked her not to smoke while I was in the car when I was pregnant!!!

Posted 5/23/11 9:57 PM
 

FreeButterfly
hum...

Member since 5/05

6263 total posts

Name:

Re: Need some advice - MIL related

If DH won't stand up to her, then you have to. He should want to protect his child and his mom will have to get treatment or deal with your rules of protection.

Posted 5/23/11 10:08 PM
 

DBJ808
LIF Adult

Member since 6/09

1039 total posts

Name:
Dana

Re: Need some advice - MIL related

Oh wow!

1. I didn't realize this isn't just limited to the mouth (this is why I said I would say no mouth kissing). This is a lot more severe than I thought! I don't think I would allow her to face to even come in contact with DS. (Yikes)

2. It also seems like you have a very "special" MIL you are dealing with! She seems to be very self absorbed. I can't get over the preggo issue! Is she CRAZY????


Chat Icon Hope things get better!

Posted 5/23/11 10:13 PM
 

NextStopBabytown
TTC #2

Member since 11/08

3141 total posts

Name:
Lindsey

Re: Need some advice - MIL related

Yikes!!!!!Chat Icon Chat Icon

Assuming that you and DH are on the same page about no kissing DS on his skin, then I would say you have your answer. No one should be making choices for your child that will affect him for the rest of his life except you and DH and shame on her for putting your DS at risk.

IMO if DH is not able to stand up to his mother then you need to speak up immediately. We're not talking about a condescending MIL or something like that...we're talking about giving a child herpes.

If I were you I would sit MIL and FIL down and be very calm, articulate, and matter of fact that MIL gets cold sores and that she can pass them along to DS and NO ONE is to kiss DS, period. End of story. If they do not wish to help protect DS then you will have to limit the amount of time that they spend with DS. As a parent it is your/our job to protect our children and as DS's grandparents they should want to do the same.

IMO there is no need for an argument or negotiation; this is the way that it will be from here on out. No need to discuss the cold sores or the frequency, I'm sure MIL is well aware of her condition.

Good luck Chat Icon

Posted 5/24/11 9:29 AM
 

Waste06
Waste not, want not

Member since 6/06

7219 total posts

Name:
Lois Mom Mommy Mama Ma

Re: Need some advice - MIL related

If I'm reading this correctly, I have a feeling your son's pediatrician himself could tell your MIL not to kiss your son on the mouth, and she still would roll her eyes and do what she wanted when no one was looking.

Your DH has to know you mean business when you say you will cut her out temporarily if she doesn't follow your (you and your DH's) rules, and he has to be the one to tell her.

There is nothing more important to me than the health, safety and well-being of my child. I can be really intense when it comes to that.

Posted 5/24/11 9:51 AM
 

katiebug
I'll love you for always

Member since 2/08

4624 total posts

Name:
Katie

Re: Need some advice - MIL related

You already know pretty much how I feel about this topic.

But if MIL constantly has sores she should NOT be kissing DS. And your DH should understand and back you up on this topic. It really shouldn't be up for discussion.

Now if she is being treated, and has no outbreak, I can totally understand where she and your DH are coming from on the no kissing rule.

Like I said to you before 80% of the population is exposed to the Herpes simplex virus. And your DS has probably already has been since it can transfer via touch, and since he has already been kissed. First outbreaks usually do not occur until around the age of 7, which is why most people can't remember when/where they contract the virus.

The fact is, you can't cut out his grandmother, so I would personally sit her down or take her to the doctor with you and have them explain how contagious the virus is. If she still does not go on a treatment for it, or keeps kissing him where she kisses him then I would call her out EVERY SINGLE TIME you see her in the act. Maybe the embarrassment will get the point across.

Posted 5/24/11 9:58 AM
 

Cpt2007
A new love!

Member since 1/08

5946 total posts

Name:
Liz

Re: Need some advice - MIL related

Would your ped be willing to put something in writing that you can show her? Has you DH been at the ped when they have talked about this with you? Sounds like he needs some reinforcement as well.

Posted 5/24/11 10:12 AM
 

summerBaby10
let's be nice

Member since 9/07

10208 total posts

Name:
Wifey

Re: Need some advice - MIL related

no! no! no! why are some people so clueless & inconsiderate?

I love that you were spoken to about your rules for your child. If DH does not want to be the bad guy, then you have to be it. Continue to reiterate it & stop her in her tracks, if possible. I'm not a fan of others kissing my kid on the mouth or sharing drinks & utensils with him at all. DH's family loves kissing eachother on the lips & at the start of our relationship, I told DH that if he wants to continue kissing them, he wll not be kissing me. His parents have had affairs & who knows where they put their mouths, they share drinks & food with everyone- I don't know where they've been & with who so better safe than sorry.

Posted 5/24/11 1:56 PM
 

MrsW2010
Mommy of two!

Member since 5/10

2202 total posts

Name:
Jill

Re: Need some advice - MIL related

ur 100% entitled to ur rules. I am with u 100%. No one should ever kiss ur dc on lips but you and ur hubby... why are mother in laws so nuts.

I caught mine with her finger in my sons mouth...I flipped!!

Posted 5/24/11 2:33 PM
 
 

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