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Thanks for responding. Guess I need to bite the bullet and be honest with her about what's not acceptable.
Message edited 4/10/2014 6:35:12 PM.
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Posted 4/10/14 3:49 PM  |
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Long Island Weddings
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hopingforbaby
We made a wish & you came true
Member since 2/10 2695 total posts
Name:
Me
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Re: I need help (nicely) putting my MIL in place (long)
The smoking thing would definitely bother me. I would just kindly remind her to not to smoke near DD and if she insists on doing it, she should at least wash her hands or rinse with mouthwash before getting in DDs face and kissing her.
The other stuff is trickier. It wouldn't bother me at all if ILs took DS outside or for a walk but I have a very good relationship with them so I know it's a different story. Hopefully someone else can offer a tactful way to approach that one!
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| Posted 4/10/14 4:39 PM |
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LIRascal
drama. daily.
Member since 3/11 7287 total posts
Name:
Michelle
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I need help (nicely) putting my MIL in place (long)
If you're not personally insulting her, calling her names or telling her she's a bad person, she shouldn't take it personally.
Tell her how you feel and that your preferences for your DD are just that. Your preferences. You. and you're the mother. I know, no one wants to ruffle feathers, but I just think that it takes the assumptions out of things when you spell it out. or DH can do it 
Good luck!
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| Posted 4/10/14 4:50 PM |
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Michelle1110
My family is complete
Member since 1/12 2338 total posts
Name:
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I need help (nicely) putting my MIL in place (long)
I told my in laws if they continue to smoke in their house I will not come over or bring baby when he/she is born. I also added they won't hold the baby if they reek of smoke bc second hand or third hand can be just as dangerous. They took it well bc they realized I was dead serious. So far so good.
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| Posted 4/10/14 4:53 PM |
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jgl
Love my little boys!!!
Member since 8/07 7060 total posts
Name:
g
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Re: I need help (nicely) putting my MIL in place (long)
The smoking would bother me and i would say something
But i think you are being a little ridiculous about the other stuff. My parents and inlaws do that stuff all the time. Its not like she said want to come in my are and go to get pizza, she just took her to the car to get something. You have to be a little less rigid imo
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| Posted 4/10/14 5:32 PM |
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lynnd126
LIF Adult
Member since 3/11 2630 total posts
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Re: I need help (nicely) putting my MIL in place (long)
I have to say, I think your examples are pretty weak. She let your dd walk around a hospital with her and she let her walk to the car with her. I mean, I can't imagine how you're not going to come off as "THAT daughter in law".
Honestly, imo I wouldn't even care about the smoking thing. Not cool to smoke near my kids obviously, but for someone that sees them a few times a month, to tell them not to smoke BEFORE they see them? I would feel crazy saying that.
I know this probably sounds lame but a lot of people don't have parents that want to be involved grandparents. I would really just bite my tongue. Sorry.
Message edited 4/10/2014 6:00:58 PM.
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| Posted 4/10/14 5:58 PM |
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Re: I need help (nicely) putting my MIL in place (long)
Posted by jgl
The smoking would bother me and i would say something
But i think you are being a little ridiculous about the other stuff. My parents and inlaws do that stuff all the time. Its not like she said want to come in my are and go to get pizza, she just took her to the car to get something. You have to be a little less rigid imo
Well, I let my parents, and other ILs (FIL & SMIL) do stuff like that...but they ask us before just assuming they can take DD for a walk. Also, MIL has health issues and carries a cane, and isn't fast enough if my DD decided to run toward the street. So I'm not being rigid, just cautious about the safety of my DD.
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| Posted 4/10/14 6:02 PM |
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Millie3
LIF Adult
Member since 7/13 1280 total posts
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Re: I need help (nicely) putting my MIL in place (long)
I wouldn't want anyone smoking around the kids, not safe. You should def. mention it to them.
The other stuff ? That is grandma, she can do those things if she wants. I'm surprised your DH didn't get annoyed with you TBH.
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| Posted 4/10/14 6:02 PM |
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Re: I need help (nicely) putting my MIL in place (long)
Posted by lynnd126
I have to say, I think your examples are pretty weak. She let your dd walk around a hospital with her and she let her walk to the car with her. I mean, I can't imagine how you're not going to come off as "THAT daughter in law".
Honestly, imo I wouldn't even care about the smoking thing. Not cool to smoke near my kids obviously, but for someone that sees them a few times a month, to tell them not to smoke BEFORE they see them? I would feel crazy saying that.
I know this probably sounds lame but a lot of people don't have parents that want to be involved grandparents. I would really just bite my tongue. Sorry.
Maybe I didn't explain it well, but DD was there to visit me and her new baby brother... Not walk around with MIL. MIL makes these suggestions to DD before asking if it's ok with me or DH...so then if we say no, we're the bad guys.
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| Posted 4/10/14 6:05 PM |
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Re: I need help (nicely) putting my MIL in place (long)
Posted by Millie3
I wouldn't want anyone smoking around the kids, not safe. You should def. mention it to them.
The other stuff ? That is grandma, she can do those things if she wants. I'm surprised your DH didn't get annoyed with you TBH.
Well, DH agrees with me, so he wouldn't be annoyed. Also, even if she's grandma, she should ask me first before just assuming she can do whatever she wants with DD.
Message edited 4/10/2014 6:36:42 PM.
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| Posted 4/10/14 6:07 PM |
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Millie3
LIF Adult
Member since 7/13 1280 total posts
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Re: ....
Posted by MrsDamonSalv7319
Posted by Millie3
I wouldn't want anyone smoking around the kids, not safe. You should def. mention it to them.
The other stuff ? That is grandma, she can do those things if she wants. I'm surprised your DH didn't get annoyed with you TBH.
Really, You let your DCs grandparents do whatever they want with your DCs w/o asking if it's ok with you 1st?
DH agrees with me, so why would he get annoyed at me?
Take the kid for a walk? Yes! They are not taking her to Mexico! DH agrees but says nothing to his mom?
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| Posted 4/10/14 6:36 PM |
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alli3131
Peanut is here!!!!!!
Member since 5/09 18388 total posts
Name:
Allison
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Re: ....
Posted by MrsDamonSalv7319
Posted by Millie3
I wouldn't want anyone smoking around the kids, not safe. You should def. mention it to them.
The other stuff ? That is grandma, she can do those things if she wants. I'm surprised your DH didn't get annoyed with you TBH.
Really, You let your DCs grandparents do whatever they want with your DCs w/o asking if it's ok with you 1st?
DH agrees with me, so why would he get annoyed at me?
I do let my parents and ILs do stuff without asking if we are all in the house or at a restaurant or something so I agree with others.
The smoking thing would only bother me if it was as everytime thing.
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| Posted 4/10/14 6:37 PM |
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Re: ....
Posted by Millie3
Posted by MrsDamonSalv7319
Posted by Millie3
I wouldn't want anyone smoking around the kids, not safe. You should def. mention it to them.
The other stuff ? That is grandma, she can do those things if she wants. I'm surprised your DH didn't get annoyed with you TBH.
Really, You let your DCs grandparents do whatever they want with your DCs w/o asking if it's ok with you 1st?
DH agrees with me, so why would he get annoyed at me?
Take the kid for a walk? Yes! They are not taking her to Mexico! DH agrees but says nothing to his mom?
Sorry , I edited my post bc I came off as harsh. He'd rather not say anything than confront her but he said he'd talk to her...but she tends to brush off what he says anyway...which is why I need to be the one to step up.
Message edited 4/10/2014 7:26:34 PM.
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| Posted 4/10/14 6:39 PM |
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hopingforbaby
We made a wish & you came true
Member since 2/10 2695 total posts
Name:
Me
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Re: I need help (nicely) putting my MIL in place (long)
Posted by MrsDamonSalv7319
Posted by Millie3
I wouldn't want anyone smoking around the kids, not safe. You should def. mention it to them.
The other stuff ? That is grandma, she can do those things if she wants. I'm surprised your DH didn't get annoyed with you TBH.
Really, You let your DCs grandparents do whatever they want with your DCs w/o asking if it's ok with you 1st?
DH agrees with me, so why would he get annoyed at me?
I wouldn't say I let my parents or ILs do 'whatever they want' with DS but they do not have to ask our permission for everything either. I wouldn't bat an eye at any of our parents spontaneously taking him for a walk. Our family dynamics are very different though as you mentioned you do not have a close relationship with her.
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| Posted 4/10/14 6:40 PM |
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