Girls in interfaith marriages...come on in

So I am a Brassy Jewess and my husband is a lovely quiet C of E type guy (Church of England) and I am just sort of thinking about how to handle the holidays...keep in mind the kid is Jewish, and he has the evidence to prove it.

We have never done Christmas, and he doesn't visit his family over the Christmas hols, but we do exchange pressies and do a lovely roast dinner on the day (you know, the usual, turkey, Chipolottas, yorkshire puddings, gravy, roast tatties, mince pies...) but I am adamant in the fact that I don't celebrate Christmas (I mean, who am I to decline presents????) So I approached this with my in laws today because I don't want them to feel uncomfortable about the whole thing.

My MIL said, would it be okay if we celebrated a Dickensian Christmas....so I said, sure! Lets head on back in my time machine back to 19th Century London, I'll poo in the street, you go out begging and selling matches...then we will all hug, get the plague and DIE A HORRIBLE COUGHING DEATH...then, my FIL said, well all Jews celebrate Christmas...to which I replied...um, not hey don't. My MIL looked absolutely gutted when I said that there was no way in hell we would have a tree...I think people in England don't understand that CHRISTMAS IS A CHRISTIAN HOLIDAY...am I wrong????

Anyway, I plan on doing Chanukah, but I told the in laws that if they want to buy him presents for Christmas to go right ahead.

ANYWAY, my point in this is...am I going to ruin the kids idea of being Jewish with Christmas dinner? And what will happen if C of E Grandma and Granddad send Christmas gifts?

I knew I should have married a nice Jewish boy...

Re: Girls in interfaith marriages...come on in

my DH and I are both christian but, I couldn't resist reading your post because you're always so funny...you didn't let me down!!

anyway my $.02...

I don't think having christmas dinner and presents will screw him up. When he's old enough, just explain that there are different religions and that "we" respect other people's beliefs as we would want them to respect ours. Chanukah is respecting your family, christmas dinner and presents are for daddy and his family.

Re: Girls in interfaith marriages...come on in

Re: Girls in interfaith marriages...come on in

Not an interfaith marriage but I guess there are a few things that maybe I can offer;
Christmas is not just about presents. it is about so much more..so IMO, you are NOT ruining your Jewish child if you celebrate your husband's holidays, but it is wrong to celebrate it as a gift-only holiday. Your child is part of an interfaith family so teaching him what the holidays mean to his father is important.

I can totally understand you not wanting a christmas tree or Santa=type stuff around the whole house. But in the spirit of your husband's religious beliefs maybe you can get a small table top tree and he can teach your child why the tree is important to him?

JMO...but of course you need to do what is best for your family.

Re: Girls in interfaith marriages...come on in

Not in an interfaith marriage, but the product of one. Mom is Jewish; Dad is Catholic. We were raised Catholic. Yes, yes I've heard a thousand times, I'm a Jew because my mother is Jewish, that I'm "legal" by my old Jewish boyfriend's rabbi, etc. I could practice Satanism, but Jewish people still count me as one of their own - which if fine if they need to bolster their numbers, but isn't fine if they want to take away my tree.

I'm assuming you & your husband decided beforehand to raise your children Jewish. I can't imagine why this is a surprise to your ILs or why they think Jewish people celebrate Christmas.

Repect your ILs' faith as they should respect yours. Your son should give them presents on their holiday. They should give him presents on HIS holiday (and in a timely fashion - none of this sorry I didn't get this in time to you how about if you come over on Dec. 25th). You can't control what they do, but you should make your feelings (or mine) known. I would go to their house for the holidays to help them celebrate their holiday and I would invite them to mine for my holidays.

eta. I don't agree with a Christmas tree in the house if you are bringing him up Jewish. I would, however, use it as a learning experience on religion in general.

If all else fails, use Sarah Silverman's approach where you explain that Mommy is one of the "Chosen" people and Daddy believes Jesus is magic.

Message edited 10/29/2006 2:55:37 PM.

Re: Girls in interfaith marriages...come on in

I think that my anxiety in screwing up the kid is that I am all alone here, I have one Jewish friend and she is like me, married to a goy! So I am worried that the lack of a Jewish Community is going to make it harder for us to raise him Jewish! Keep in mind that the school district that we are in here has 60% of students who do not speak English in the home, and for whom English is a second language! So although we live in a VERY cultural diverse neighbourhood (Its a mix of West Indian, Sikhs, Hindus, Muslims and C of E) the Jewish element will be missing...

Oh my poor lad!

BTW...if any of you are interested, we will be accepting Christmas presents this year, so start sending them over! I am in the market for a Kitchenaid mixer!

eta a few things...after the first time I had sex with my husband I said to hime "Look, I may never see you again, but the kids are going to be Jewish" Also when we got engaged his Mother was so excited that I was Jewish...her favorite movie is "Crossing Delancey"

Message edited 10/29/2006 3:13:35 PM.

Re: Girls in interfaith marriages...come on in

Re: Girls in interfaith marriages...come on in

well, I am not in an interfaith marriage - but I feel as a Jew I can add another side to this story.

If your inlaws want to give him presents - why can't they give him hanukkah presents?

IMHO and experience - it is confusing for a child to grow up jewish and celebrate other holidays - esp. those of the majority.

I grew up in an area with a good amount of jewish people - but as a kid I still struggled with not having a tree or lights like "all the other kids". That struggle is only one part of growing up different and learning how to accept it. I think that by sticking to jewish holidays and jewish tradition that you are enforcing the importance and understanding of what it is to be jewish....and even sometimes the struggle.

At an older age it might be something different - but I think if it is important enough to you that he be raised jewish - then start now....cause lord knows the In laws will always try to mess it up somehow.

Re: Girls in interfaith marriages...come on in

OK, so DH is Jewish and I am Roman Catholic, neither raised particularly religious, so when we had the talk about how to raise the kids, I said, all yours, cause as a kid I felt it was "pushed" on me a bit. I am still a catholic though, tree, and all. So , though the kids will have Jewish religious ed and such, there will always be a tree, and all the catholic holidays as well as all the Jewish ones. Same with the grandparents, Hanukkah gifts from one side, Christmas gifts from the other, and both from us.

>>>>some 100th post huh?<<<<

Message edited 10/29/2006 7:26:16 PM.

Re: Girls in interfaith marriages...come on in

OK I have two different perspectives on this. My Mom is Jewish and my Dad is RC.I grew up celebrating both. I thought it was cool. We had a Christmas tree growing up, though my Mom referred to it as the Hannauck bush but it was there, just no religious symbols on it. We had the best of both worlds and it didn't confuse us. I felt nice to be able to do both.

Here is where my parents IMO screwed up.While I loved being able to celebrate both holidays and felt blessed that I knew about both. I didn't know ENOUGH about both. I never had a christening, communion or a bat mitzah. I didn't know how to speak Hebrew, I didn't have a complete understanding of all of the holdiays. I didn't have an religious training other than what my grandparent chose to explain to me.

Then as I got older I got pressured to choose. How can you choose something you don't know enough about? So I said whatever my husband will be, I will be and raise my children as such, though they will have knowledge of the other religion.

So this is where we are now. I am a halfie with more of a Jewish upbringing, my husband is RC and my daughter is Episcipalian. We take her to church weekly. She was baptised and will unlike me attend religious training. HOWEVER, there will be a menorah in the house. We will explain the customs, history and tradition to her. My father and DH's familiy understand this. I do not think it's right to turn your back completely on something that is part of their 'culture or tradition'. In fact I hope to use it as a learning tool with my daughter to teach there that though people are different and may do things different inside they are the same (meaning they all believe in a G-d) type of thing.

Hope that helps.

I hope this makes some sense.

Message edited 10/30/2006 6:22:07 AM.