wedding gift question... not what you're expecting

we have had many a conversation about the value of the gift and all the factors that go into deciding that value (i'm thinking of a monetary gift... because most of us live in places where a monetary gift is what is custom for weddings).

i have a bit of a follow up / spinoff question to the topic. i don't think anyone is "right" or "wrong" and that's not what sparked the question. i really just want to know the thought process.

what makes the difference in the the amount you give... why is a second wedding different than a first wedding? why is a "small" wedding different than a "big" wedding?

the host is still hosting a party that you're invited to. would you not give "equally" if you were invited to a birthday party year after year? the person just had a party last year, would that make this year's gift different? granted, i know that some birthdays are bigger than others. no. i'm not comparing a wedding to a backyard birthday party... but i am comparing a backyard wedding to a fancy wedding...

if the bride and groom can only afford a bbq, does that mean they don't get the same "start your life together" gift from you?

again, i'm not judging or looking for correct answers... i'm just wondering what about these factors do you think about when you write that check?

yes, it's a slow day in the office

Re: wedding gift question... not what you're expecting

I give what I would give regardless of location- to me it's about my relationship with the person getting married.I could care less if you get married in your backyard or at the Ritz- it's not my job to pay for someone's show.

As far as second weddings- it depends on my relationship with the person, potentially I may give less for a second wedding.

I am not a fan of sprinkles- to me 1 shower is enough I don't feel like you need a shower/ sprinkle for every child you have- I know people say every child deserves to be celebrated but to me it gets greedy.

Just my opinion

wedding gift question... not what you're expecting

I would not give differently for a first vs second marriage. I have a minimum gift I give- whether it’s at a catering hall on LI or a backyard in the middle of nowhere. Then if it’s an especially expensive venue I’ll give an extra $100. Close friends get an extra $200 regardless of location.

I cannot stand showers and quite honestly, decline most of them. I send a $50ish gift for any shower I don’t go to. I will give a $100ish gift for showers of close friends. I spent several hundred dollars on my bff’s bridal shower and gave a large gift at her baby shower in addition to piles of essentials when my godson was born and then a large christening gift.

I will only attend a baby shower for extremely close friends and since my 2 closest friends have already had their first babies I don’t anticipate any showers in the near future. DH’s family is Jewish so I don’t have to worry about showers for his family which is a good thing because they are baby machines and I’d run out of money.

I would never entertain attending a sprinkle and would send a gift when the baby was born.

wedding gift question... not what you're expecting

I don't factor location into what I give as a gift. I think the whole pay for your plate mentality is gross and places a lot of unnecessary stress on people. I remember when I was 22, making nothing, and stressing out over how I was going to afford a wedding gift. Ridiculous. Now I can afford to be generous and I do because of my relationships to the people that are getting married, not because it costs XX a plate.

I do usually give less for a second wedding. I don't know - I feel like the couple is usually more established and has less need for a gift to start their lives together.

Re: wedding gift question... not what you're expecting

I would give differently for a second wedding, depending. However, that depends on if both are getting married a second time. If it is a second wedding for one, and a first wedding for the other, then I would give the full amount.

My reasoning is that that they have BTDT, and they don’t need a lot because they kind of already have something to start out with.

If it were a close friend or family member, I’d give the same amount.

Re: wedding gift question... not what you're expecting

Wedding gifts are always about the same. Backyard or hall, doesn’t matter. It’s based on the relationship with the person getting married (more for close friends and family) I am a “cover your plate + a gift person” but it’s not what people make it out to be. It’s more of an avg. to go by. Avg price pp + a gift. Again , it cost less for a backyard wedding or smaller wedding, but our gift is still based on the avg price pp + gift. Usually about $300-$350 from us as a couple

1st & 2nd wedding is the same. 3rd, it’s less because now you’re being ridiculous. I usually don’t attend #3 which automatically makes it a quick $100 congrats check or something off registry.

Showers (bridal or Baby ) always the same. Avg $50. $100+ for close friends. More for family & if I’m god mother. Sprinkle, I give the same as a shower. But if it’s a 3rd sprinkle?? (I thankfully don’t know anyone who has done thT) I would send a $25 gift from registry.

Birthday parties for kids. Usual $50 gift or check but if it’s a big birthday , 1st or
13, sweet 16, 18, etc, it’s more. Even if it’s every year. I gift my nieces and nephew $50 a year for each bday. More for big ones.

ETA: I will sometimes give more based on inside information lol
My BiL little sister got married in November. They paid for the wedding themselves. She had such a hard life and I know this wedding was so hard for her to get the $ together to pull off. So she got a little more then say if I knew her mom was paying for the wedding.

Message edited 8/13/2018 3:50:51 PM.

Re: wedding gift question... not what you're expecting

I don't care about location, I care about my relationship with the couple. For the most part, I would give differently for a second wedding, but again it would depend on my relationship to the couple and the general circumstances.

TBH, it's all getting out of control! I guess what bothers me is that the pressure to give gifts for every.single.event is so strong. I'd like to think I'm pretty generous, but some of the amounts I've seen people suggest make my jaw drop.

Re: wedding gift question... not what you're expecting

Re: wedding gift question... not what you're expecting

Message edited 8/13/2018 4:50:11 PM.

wedding gift question... not what you're expecting

I definitely give my gift based on the situation. If it's a milestone bday and we were invited to a nice party, i would give a nicer gift than I would to someone having a bday bbq for a non-milestone bday.

For a wedding: I saved a list of what others gave us for our wedding, so I tend to give back what we were given. For a wedding of someone who didn't attend ours, we have a standard amount that we give. However, if it was a non-traditional wedding (bbq, destination wedding, etc) I would not gift the same. We went to a wedding in the caribbean recently and were not as generous with our gift because we paid for the travel expenses of the wedding. That, and we were told by the groom himself that because a certain # of people booked rooms, there's was free and about 75% of the wedding was paid for by the wedding guests. Our rooms were inflated and it covered the cost of their event. Rubbed the wrong way a bit, but we are close friends of theirs and really wanted to go.

Message edited 8/13/2018 7:53:14 PM.

wedding gift question... not what you're expecting

I tend to just go with my gut. For weddings, I'm usually in the $200-$300 range (more for close family). Christenings/First Communion/Showers $50-100. Birthdays $30-$50.

wedding gift question... not what you're expecting

Regardless of where/when/how many marriages, I give what I can afford. I do not beleive in the whole cover your plate idea. It's not the guests responsibility to pay for the party that you chose the where. KWIM. Showers I don't normally attend, but I am just anti-social like that. And again I give what I can afford. Also how much I like the person/people factors in. I don't like too many people.