So angry... Grandma playing favorites with grandkids... would this bother you?

I have 2 boys, 2 years old (almost) & 3 months old.

My mom lives nearby & stops by maybe once a week or so & she has NEVER yet held the 3 month old or picked him up & played with him (once I handed him to her & she put him down within a few seconds). She waves hello to him from across the room on occasion & basically never goes near him. This is the complete opposite of how she treated my older ds when he was that age.

This is because she is afraid my older ds will be mad at her for playing with his brother instead (she admitted this is the reason). So she smothers him when she comes over, hovers over him, hugs him, kisses him nonstop, brings him toys... if he starts playing with someone else, she tries to get his attention back to her... like she's looking for validation from a 2 year old. She's afraid to make him mad so she won't discipline him when he needs it. She tells everyone he is her favorite baby & doesn't acknowledge my other son more than just saying hello. Even when she calls me she only asks how my older ds is doing, never the baby.

I told her that's not nice & she said insincerely "I'll try to do better" OK somebody shouldn't have to TELL YOU to hold or play with both your grandkids equally. One time I wanted to see how she'd handle being alone with both of them so I went into a different room & asked her to watch them... she only played with my older ds, when the baby started crying she didn't even approach his pack n play... I yelled to her from the other room to please pick him up... she took so long to walk over that he quieted slightly on his own & she goes "oh it's ok he stopped crying" and went right back to playing with my older ds. It's like she's trying to "protect" my older ds from the "hardship" of losing attention when a new sibling is born... it's ridiculous!

She babysat my older ds while dh & I worked so I know she feels a bond with him & all but that's no excuse... anyway I have to go back to work from maternity leave soon & she thinks she's going to babysit both kids but now I really think I have to find some other arrangement. My older ds will be smothered & hovered over (not healthy) while my younger ds will be crying in the corner by himself. Not right.

What do you think?? Is this crazy or what? I don't even want to deal with her at all, it makes me so angry!!! I can hardly stand having her around.

Re: So angry... Grandma playing favorites with grandkids... would this bother you?

I'm so sorry! I think that is crazy and surprising. I'd be concerned too. Do you have siblings? Or is she an older child that remembers having a baby sibling come in the picture?
They say is hard for a2 year old to have a new baby in house and attention is good but she is Def doing too much.

Re: So angry... Grandma playing favorites with grandkids... would this bother you?

Tough one...

My 2 are also close together & I needed people in the beginning to primarily pay attention to the older one (who was not getting enough attention with the baby in the house who needed me 24:7 & couldn't care less about being held or coddled by others). As an older child, I remember my sister's birth as being traumatic & you can see pictures of a very sad big sister through all her baby shots.

That being said, if your mom is going to be a care provider, she needs to be able to balance both kids. I'd do s more rigorous training session & see how she responds (watching 2 is much harder than watching 1). Some people aren't cut out for it... Even for the oddest reasons (I sadly speak from experience).

Re: So angry... Grandma playing favorites with grandkids... would this bother you?

That's tough. I think she's teaching him a worse lesson by only playing with him. Kwim? Like I'm.sure he sees you hold and care for the baby. And we just say that he's a baby and he needs me. My go to line was always well when you were a baby I did the same for you.

Re: So angry... Grandma playing favorites with grandkids... would this bother you?

I think she can probably handle both kids and would be more fair in a provider type situation. I think since you are around she just leaves you in the care of the infant and tries to entertain the toddler more. I see this being very, very common in grandparents. You want the help for the infant, but they usually just take the toddler. I think its common but will change in time or if they are alone with both. But maybe you should ask her to care for just your infant and see how that goes, maybe it will force her to bond with your new child more.

Re: So angry... Grandma playing favorites with grandkids... would this bother you?

My mother has always favored my older DS. I confronted her and she denied it but, it is very evident. She always states that I replaced my old DS by having another child. There is nothing I can do to make this situation better with my mom. I just take it as it is and I know that when they are older they will definitely see it! Then it's her and my DS's relationship she will have to deal with.

Re: So angry... Grandma playing favorites with grandkids... would this bother you?

I understand she doesn't want to give the baby ALL of the attention and leave your older son in the dust ........but I think she's taking it to an extreme and it's going to be a bad situation b/c the baby isn't going to be an infant baby forever........at SOME point he's going to to be able to recognize the fact that his Grandmother is ignoring him, in favor of his big brother - and then she's going to have a REAL problem, one that she created herself. (and one YOU are going to have to deal with too)

Re: So angry... Grandma playing favorites with grandkids... would this bother you?

Also wanted to add... Is your father around & available?

For childcare... Sometimes an unexpected parent is a huge help.

Re: So angry... Grandma playing favorites with grandkids... would this bother you?

Re: So angry... Grandma playing favorites with grandkids... would this bother you?

Re: So angry... Grandma playing favorites with grandkids... would this bother you?

Re: So angry... Grandma playing favorites with grandkids... would this bother you?

I'm sorry, but this sounds crazy to me. She doesn't hold your son? Doesn't even ask how he is doing? That is unbelievable and notthe way a grandparent should be acting. How is she going to babysit them both when she can't even pick him up if he is crying? I'm sorry but would not be ok with that at all. She sounds like she is having the problem adjusting, not your oldest.

Message edited 7/29/2015 12:00:55 AM.

Re: So angry... Grandma playing favorites with grandkids... would this bother you?

Re: So angry... Grandma playing favorites with grandkids... would this bother you?

Posted by JennP

Posted by CallaLily

I'm sorry, but this sounds crazy to me. She doesn't hold your son? Doesn't even ask how he is doing? That is unbelievable and notthe way a grandparent should be acting. How is she going to babysit them both when she can't even pick him up if he is crying? I'm sorry but would not be ok with that at all. She sounds like she is having the problem adjusting, not your oldest.

I agree with this.

I get that it's important to remind the older child that they are still loved and a priority, but this is extreme. Plus, I would be heartbroken to see my newborn ignored like that.

I don't think she should be alone with the kids.

Re: So angry... Grandma playing favorites with grandkids... would this bother you?

Posted by StaceyWill

Posted by JennP

Posted by CallaLily

I'm sorry, but this sounds crazy to me. She doesn't hold your son? Doesn't even ask how he is doing? That is unbelievable and notthe way a grandparent should be acting. How is she going to babysit them both when she can't even pick him up if he is crying? I'm sorry but would not be ok with that at all. She sounds like she is having the problem adjusting, not your oldest.

I agree with this.

I get that it's important to remind the older child that they are still loved and a priority, but this is extreme. Plus, I would be heartbroken to see my newborn ignored like that.

I don't think she should be alone with the kids.

ITA

So angry... Grandma playing favorites with grandkids... would this bother you?

I'm so sorry you're going through this. It
I would be very upset too. Have you ever tried taking M in another room or outside and leave your mom alone with the baby for a little while? Maybe one of you could stay with her just in case she still doesn't pick up the baby when he's crying, but that might give her a chance to bond a little with him without worrying what M thinks. Or maybe if you do end up enrolling M in preschool you can try to invite her over to spend time with the baby while he's out of the house. Good luck, I know it sucks to have extra stress when its already stressful to have to think about going back to work soon.

So angry... Grandma playing favorites with grandkids... would this bother you?

Tell her that you are going to probably find someone else to watch your children and I bet she will change her tune.

Re: So angry... Grandma playing favorites with grandkids... would this bother you?

My MIL is exactly the same, even down to watching the first DB. He is her favorite and she doesn't bother with my other DC. I resigned from work when I was expecting #2. I limit time with her. It makes me so angry, she does not care at all about all about any other grand children's feelings, just my older DC. I always say she better pray she doesn't need anything from her other grandkids, they won't be around to help her.i know almost exactly how you feel

To add, I always thought she was just protecting older DC's feelings, but years later she has a very obvious favorite and doesn't deal with any of the other kids.

Message edited 7/29/2015 7:11:31 PM.

Re: So angry... Grandma playing favorites with grandkids... would this bother you?

Re: So angry... Grandma playing favorites with grandkids... would this bother you?

Re: So angry... Grandma playing favorites with grandkids... would this bother you?

Re: So angry... Grandma playing favorites with grandkids... would this bother you?

I would call her up and ask her to just watch the baby so you can go out for an hour with the older dc. See what she says. If she says no, then I would look for other child care arrangements for all times.. I would have a conversation, and say you either treat my kids equally, or we can't see you for a little while. Her blatant favoritism is not going to do well long term for your kids.