Wakes/Funeral and my 4 YO DS

My Aunt just passed away today after a lengthy battle with cancer. I was extremely close to her - she is my Godmother.

I'm not sure how I want to handle things with my 4 year old DS. He knows her, has gone to see her several times - the last time being last week at her house before she entered Hospice this past Friday. Do I have him come for the wake in the afternoon with my IL's when they come to pay their respects? Or no? I feel very conflicted about this as I don't know how he would react to seeing someone he knows lying in a casket. How do I explain it? Not to mention I'm not sure how I will be when I am there.

Help?

Wakes/Funeral and my 4 YO DS

IMO, I would not have him at the wake or the funeral. He is too young.

Wakes/Funeral and my 4 YO DS

I brought my DD to my grandma's wake. She had just turned 2 a few months before and we were mostly in the hallway. I didn't want her to see the body, but she was too young to know what was going on.
At 4, I don't know if I'd bring her. It's hard. And it's so heavy for a kid that age.

Re: Wakes/Funeral and my 4 YO DS

Was just in this situation with when my grandmother passed away suddenly. I kept my 4 yo DD home with a sitter. I didn't want her to see her body but that's just me. I don't think they know what death means so we just say shes in the hospital if she asks. When she gets older we will explain because they were very close.

Sorry for your loss

Message edited 1/12/2015 3:21:02 PM.

Re: Wakes/Funeral and my 4 YO DS

My DS' great grandparents (both of them within a week of each other) just passed away recently. He was close to both of them and saw them often. He is 5 yo. I did not take him to the wake or funeral. He is too young IMO and things like that can impact them greatly. Instead I explained to him that they passed and were in heaven. I answered any questions he had and I told him he could pray to them whenever he wanted and that now they were angels watching over him. That's as far into death that I think he needs to be introduced to at this age.

Re: Wakes/Funeral and my 4 YO DS

My DS, now 5 has been to a few wakes from the time he was 2. We're very open about death. My entire immediate family is gone so discussion about death and no longer being here is a big part of our lives.

Re: Wakes/Funeral and my 4 YO DS

My 4 yo is very (too much?) sensitive to the whole death topic. He has gotten into detailed conversations about death & the people's "heart" going to the "clouds". HE has offered that information in response to seeing pictured of loved ones that have died (we did not discuss anything like that with him, nor did he watch anything on Mickey mouse clubhouse or Octonauts that gave him that information).

I think each kid reacts differently.

Personally, I would bring him to the funeral, but not to the wake.

Re: Wakes/Funeral and my 4 YO DS

My girls were 3 and 1 when my dh's grandfather passed, we kept them home. There was no reason for them to be there

So sorry for your loss

Wakes/Funeral and my 4 YO DS

I personally would not bring a child that age. Another reason being is that id want to be in the moment and not have to tend to DC. I know my DD who is almost 4, would not particularly allow me to sit there, chat with people, etc. My focus would be on DD and not on the wake, family/friends.

Message edited 1/12/2015 4:14:25 PM.

Wakes/Funeral and my 4 YO DS

My dad just passed away last month and we brought my niece (5 yo). They were very close and she didn't understand, but she was accepting. Now, she is having nightmares every night and my SIL has to sleep with her in in the master bedroom while my brother sleeps in the small kiddie bed. She wakes up every few hours afraid that mommy or daddy or even she is going to die. Poor kid. I would say don't bring her.

Re: Wakes/Funeral and my 4 YO DS

DD is 4. We have discussed heaven and that people (and pets) don't come back when they go, but I wouldn't take her to a wake/funeral. Besides seeing the body, I think it would really upset her to see me and other family members upset.

Re: Wakes/Funeral and my 4 YO DS

My grandmother passed away last fall, we had to travel for the funeral, so i had no choice but to bring DD (4 YO) with us.

we didnt make a "big deal" out of it...figuring that the more attention we brought to it the more she was goign to ask questions and be freaked out. We were factual, yet vague. We told her that my grandma died and she's in heaven now with our cat (our cat died when she was 1 1/2, so she was familiar that people/pets go to heaven when they die). For the wake/funeral we told her that were going to go say prayers for grandma because we love her and will miss her.

At the wake, we basically kept her in an area specially for kids where she played on the iPad and colored. She came in the viewing room for a bit, but didnt go up to the casket. She looked at it cautiously. asked if that was grandma. we said yes, that's her body. and then no more questions. It helped that people werent sobbing during it all. I know that sounds terrible, but my grandma was very sick for a very long time, so when she passed away it was expected.

The funeral itself, we just like going to church for her. standing graveside was fun for her because she got to hold (and pick apart) flowers. Again, there wasnt a lot of overly dramatic crying, so i think that helped. (I know that may sound cold, so dont think that we are all heartless and werent at all sad, we were of course!!! but it was just that my grandma was 88 and suffered...she was finally at peace.)

I am sorry for your loss

Message edited 1/13/2015 8:47:32 AM.

Re: Wakes/Funeral and my 4 YO DS

IMO no.

DS was close to my grandmother who passed away in Nov and we did not bring him to any of the services.

He still is very confused about dying and will ask about his Biz Nonna and why he can't see her.

He also asked us if he is going to die and what about us and his baby sister. It put a lot of stress on him that I don't think he needed to completely be exposed too.

Re: Wakes/Funeral and my 4 YO DS

Re: Wakes/Funeral and my 4 YO DS

Re: Wakes/Funeral and my 4 YO DS

I've taken both of my kids to wakes/funerals, sometimes it's unavoidable. As long as they are well behaved I don't see a real problem with it.

My DD was almost 3 when she went to her first wake/funeral and my DS was only a few months old. Death is a part of life, my DS didn't have a clue at the time (obviously) but with my DD we explained in VERY general terms what death is and why we go to a wake/funeral. Basically, we just told her that a wake/funeral is way to say good-bye to someone we loved who is no longer here and we need to be quiet and respectful while there.

Death is a fact of life, I don't see a reason to shelter my kids from it, I'd rather just be open about it.........at an age appropriate level of course.

ETA - At the wakes we kept the way in the back, not near the body. They didn't even notice what was going on in the front of the room.

Message edited 1/13/2015 12:18:25 PM.

Wakes/Funeral and my 4 YO DS

Thank you all for your responses. It's a lot to think about.

I just found out that it will be a closed casket, so that makes me feel a bit better as far as seeing someone laying there. I'm still deciding if I want him to come to the afternoon session with my IL's. I would keep him in the back of the room most likely and really not say very much about what is going on. I don't want him to be afraid that something will happen to me or DH either.

Wakes/Funeral and my 4 YO DS

Imo my parents brought me to them at a young age... it freaked me out and in my late 20's I started to get a little better....I would leave my kid home