Need some perspectives

I am a first time mom of a 7 month old. Because my husband and I work full time, the weekends are sacred to us because that's when we get to spend the most time with our baby.

I find myself getting extremely annoyed with the grandparents pressuring and guilting us to spend time with the baby on the weekends. I feel as though it's infringing on my time with the baby. Am I crazy for thinking this way? She's the first grandchild on both sides so when we do see them- neither my husband or I can get near the baby, which is also contrinuting to my getting annoyed.

How do full time working moms balance extended family on the weekends? Will my feelings of frustration lessen as the baby gets older?

Re: Need some perspectives

I was there and feel your pain, but I just sucked it up and visited the family. Believe me I understand how sacred the weekends can get, but it's also not fair to keep the grandparents away from their grandchild. Sounds like they want to see your LO. Some pple have the opposite issue and want nothing to do with their grandchild. Try and schedule your own "family" time and then outside family time. Use that time to also do some shopping and get some errands done. When I was WFT I had so many errands to do on the weekends so if grandma and grandpa were over I took advantage and went food shopping, cleaned the house or got some laundry done, mani/pedi, etc.
Maybe not make it a whole day. Invite them for a Saturday afternoon or go to them early in the morning and leave on the earlier side. Make Sunday be you, your DH and LO time. Doesn't have to be every weekend either.

Re: Need some perspectives

My mom will visit maybe once a week. She either babysits or hangs out/helps me with them. ILs are annoying. They don't come over often b/c we often have things going on most weekends, but its always like a friggin production when they come.

First it was that they wanted to come when it was convenient for them with no regard for us or our kids, but we put our foot down and told them this is the kids schedule, if you want to see them, come at this time. I often have to say they are ready for naps 3 times hinting for them to go then I end up just taking them upstairs. They wont leave unless they have something better to do.

I know they want to see them but they have to understand its our time too. Every other weekend for a few hrs is enough. that way you have time to do your thing and spend time with your kid too.

Re: Need some perspectives

I'm not a working mom but dh works all week and only sees our girls awake for about 20 mins in the morning. So I can relate since it's our only family time. Everyone always wants to see the kids on the weekends. We pick and choose what we going to do. My kids spend a lot of time with their grandparents but it's extremely important to me since my own grandparents played a huge role in my life and I lost most of them young I want my girls to spend as much time with them as they can.

In your situation could you let the grandparents watch your dc during the week or pick them up from dAycare so they do get some time during the week. This way they get to get some time with their grandchild and it won't take away time from your weekend?

Message edited 3/13/2014 5:30:01 PM.

Need some perspectives

I'm a sahm but the weekends are sacred to us too bc we get that time as a family just the 3 of us. Dh only gets to see dd for an hour at night when he gets home before she goes to bed. We get the guilt trips too but it's not fair to us either to have to do it every weekend, which we don't.

If we do have plans with the grandparents I try to keep the other day just for us. So if we see them Sunday, Saturday is only for us. Vice versa.

It's also nice when you can combine the grandparents. Have them over for lunch one day all at once. Everyone is happy and it gives you more of your own time back.

Re: Need some perspectives

Need some perspectives

I feel similar even though I am a SAHM. DH is barely home during the week so the weekend is our time to do things together thay we want or need to get done. We don't see the grandparents every weekend and I do like to see them, but I totally get the feeling of needing time for ourselves. I feel more relaxed when we plan visits for dinner or right after or if we do something fun in the daytime, ask the grandparents to come along.

Need some perspectives

I can only imagine how rough it is! I'm a SAHM and am with DD all day every day and I still used to be bothered that I couldn't get near her when we're with family. Especially on holidays or her birthday. It has gotten easier now that she's a little easier. I would try to take control of timing of visits so that you still get some family time. Arrange something like Friday night pizza dinners so you can see one set of grandparents then, see the other set on Saturday or Sunday for a few hours and keep one full day free. Like others have said, it's wonderful that DC is loved by so many but it can get frustrating at the same time when you want some mommy time too. Also like others suggested, try to take advantage by running out to get errands done while they stay home with the baby which will free up some more time for you. I definitely think it will get easier!

Re: Need some perspectives

As a pp mentioned, is it possible to have them do something with her during the week? I'm not sure what your childcare situation is like but could they maybe babysit her one day a week?

I also like the idea of having one day be YOUR family day with no one else. You could say Sundays are off limits and just keep it that way.

Re: Need some perspectives

you will get less frustrated as they get older.

What if you plan to have dinner together once a week... maybe pizza at your house on Friday night or at their house?

Re: Need some perspectives

what about dinner one night during the week with them?

Re: Need some perspectives

Can they watch her one day a week or can you have dinner as a family one day a week so you can keep weekends free?

We also both work full time but luckily my mom watches DS so my parents get to see him plenty during the week and dont bug us on weekends. And other family members will sometimes visit during the week too (my grandma visits once a week for example). My ILs live OOS so we dont have to worry about visiting with them on weekends

Re: Need some perspectives

I hear you.

We just tell the grandparents that very thing: weekends are precious & we want to spend time with the kids ourselves.

We end up seeing the in-laws once a month.

We see my parents more, but only because they watch the kids.

Need some perspectives

It's a hard balancing act, but I think if you can create a schedule with your parents and ILs it will work. DD is also the first grandchild on both sides so in the beginning I was annoyed that my parents and my MIL would just drop by whenever (mostly my MIL). It's new for everyone. My parents watch DD 2x a week at our house, however during the summer they are at their beach house so she is in daycare 5x a week. Last summer my MIL said she never gets to see DD bc most weekends we went to my parents (it's what I've done my entire life so I'm not changing my summer schedule) so she suggested having dinner at her house one night a week. Not having to cook one week night is heavenly!

I think if you approach it with them that you get limited time with your child and you'd like to create a schedule/routine with them so they get ample time, they would appreciate it a lot.

Need some perspectives

Give it time....as they get older you will cherish the times you don't have to be Mom all the time.

you will want the grandparents to spend time with them so you can have a break.

Re: Need some perspectives

Set boundaries early!! I have a friend who has become very bitter towards her in laws because of their constant pressure to see her kids all the time and she always says that she wishes that she and her DH created better ground rules for visiting early on so it set the precident for them to just have family time alone with their kids. If you anticipate this becoming a pain point for your family, I would def consider something like this.

Weekends were sacred for DH and I even before we had a baby because of constant family obligations, but now we don't really care what anyone thinks because we have to do what's best for us. We try to be as fair and equitable with visiting all family but sometimes we just have to be selfish. We're FTW parents too so I can completely relate.

Re: Need some perspectives

I'm still on maternity leave (DD is 10 weeks) and haven't returned to work yet, but I just experienced this over this past weekend. I went to a wedding on Saturday so I barely even saw DD all day and had planned to make up my time with her on Sunday. Well at the last minute, the IL's asked if they could come to visit and of course I didn't get to hold her at all while they were here. I was so annoyed and upset yet felt so selfish at the same time. I broke down to DH later that night and explained how it felt like they took her away from me and took up my time with her. I'm sure this is how I'll feel when I go back to work too. Luckily MIL will be watching her 3 days during the week so hopefully that will curb her need to see DD on the weekends. DH kindly reminded me that they only get to see her when we let them anyway, and she needs to be around the rest of her family and allow me to have a break as well.

Re: Need some perspectives

I've definitely felt this way before. However as others have said as they get a little older it's nice to have someone else entertain them for a little old!

Re: Need some perspectives

Thanks everyone for the great advice!

Re: Need some perspectives

We are looking to buy a house with DH's parents so that solves that, but with my parents we live close and like to have sunday dinner there. It works for us. We also let DS sleep at each grandparents house whenever they want (maybe once a month each) and that works well because they get time and we get a break