after a loved one passes

did you find your LOs had fears or trouble coping with any aspect of losing a loved one? I am trying to prepare to help my 3 (almost 4 year old) after his grandpa passes which we expect in the very near future.

I feel like I am prepared with HOW to tell him and explain but I am worried about questions which I may not know how to answer on the spot or fears which may arise.

Message edited 3/3/2014 12:46:16 PM.

Re: after a loved one passes

Sorry to hear

The boys uncle died when they were 2 and 3. We just explained to them that he was in heaven. They never really asked why he died. It has been almost 2 years and they mention him frequently. They will say he is in heaven. I would not elaborate or go into to much detail. Keep it simple and let him lead. He may not ask much.

Re: after a loved one passes

my grandfather passed away a few months back. my DCs were 1, 3 and 5. we were VERY close, they saw him almost daily even in the end when he was in hospice. they were aware he was sick and when he passed away they had seen him earlier that day.

they didn't attend the funeral services or wake but we explained that he had passed away and was in heaven. they took it completely fine, asked a few questions but were totally ok.

they talk about him all the time, we all do. they will sometimes say they are sad that he is in heaven and not here anymore but I explain that I am said too but he is an a nice place.

HTH, good luck to you.

after a loved one passes

I was TOTALLY not prepared on how to tell AJ when my dad died last Sept but she handled it well. I was honest and sincere.

She was over it in like 10mins.. "Read me a book" .. hurt me more than her that she accepted it. She has since then talked about it here and there (more then than now) but we were honest about how he died and why he died. She adored him and he her. So we talk about seeing grandpa in our dreams to remember all the good times and to do them again. She will say stuff like "I dreamt grandpa and I were flying dragons.. he's got a funny laugh" I also show her videos of them together and photos. I hate that one day he will fade from her memory. Even tho she's 5.

It really does hurt me more than her

But no, she has no issues with death. She will see dead stuff and say its dead. She doesn't relate those deaths with my father's. Everything dies. Nothing lives forever. She gets that. She doesn't worry that me or daddy will die or her friends. She just thinks things happen when they happen and there's little to nothing we can do to stop them. She once asked if I would die and I said yes just hopefully not for a long time. I told her I want to live long enough to see her babies. She asked what happens if I don't. Then I said I will always be watching you .. here or there and everywhere. For as long as you breathe I am with you in your heart and your mind... just think of me and there I am. Just like grandpa.

So far we've been good.


ETA: Oh forgot to add the fact that grandpa is in the kitchen.. high and protected in his box. He was cremated. She asked to see the ashes and touch them. Yes, of course I allowed it. She knows what is what is left of him and he will stay with us until it's time for him to go to my sister's where he will go out to the big big ocean and live in the water forever. Navy Burial at sea.

She doesn't even look twice up at that box.

Message edited 3/3/2014 3:22:36 PM.

Re: after a loved one passes

thanks ladies. he knows his grandpa is sick. I am prepared to tell him that he was sick and has gone to heaven with the angels and that we cannot see him any longer but that doesn't mean we can't talk about him or look at photos or videos and we can laugh or cry or whatever we feel like we want to do! We already talk about heaven since my father passed away before he was born. "grandpa is with papa"...

I am going to try to refrain from using "died" or "dead" as I don't want him to relate that to "sick"... I don't want him to think that every time someone is sick, they will die and be out of his life forever...

I know he will be OK. It will be harder for us than for him. I guess I am just trying to prepare myself for the first time he sees his grandma and looks for grandpa and we have to explain it all over again

after a loved one passes

DD's grandfather and dog (I know it's not a person but to her she was) both died when she was 6. I just told her that they were now in heaven. They were in heaven now and happy. I tried not to equate sick and heaven together because I think she would have been confused by that. She took it well and asked a few questions on why should couldn't see them anymore and that she missed them. I told her they would always be in her heart and she could pray to them and talk to them if she wanted. They just can't talk back. Every now and then I catch her "talking" to the dog or her grandpa.

Re: after a loved one passes

It's totally normal for kids to experience some fear or difficulty coping with a loss. They aren't equipped to understand it yet. It's also important to be aware that as they grow older, and are more able to understand what happened, it's normal for them to ask questions again.

There are tons of books that could help you explain it to your DC. These are a few I know of:

Sad Isn't Bad: A Good-Grief Guidebook for Kids Dealing with Loss (Elf-Help Books for Kids)

When Bad Things Happen: A Guide to Help Kids Cope (Elf-Help Books for Kids)

When Your Grandparent Dies: A Child's Guide to Good Grief (Elf-Help Books for Kids)

What's Heaven? By Maria shriver

I Miss You: A First Look at Death (First Look at Books) (written for ages 4and up)

Where Are You? A Child's Book About Loss

When a Pet Dies, written by Fred Rogers
(Obviously not for your situation, but it's a nice book regardless)

after a loved one passes

No advice, but wanted to say I'm sorry. Praying that he goes peacefully!

Re: after a loved one passes

When my grandma passed, we explained to DS (4) that she was very old and she died. We don't practice any religion, but he asked me if she went to heaven (a word he learned from our babysitter) and I said yes, I guess so.

His fish had died not too long before, so he had an idea of what it meant.

I will say he wasn't too broken up at the time, but now he'll ask about death all the time. More curiosity than anything. Usually totally inappropriate questions. Yesterday he told DH and I that he plans to buy a house when we die and put his own furniture in it. One day at dinner he told me papa was old and is going to die soon.

Re: after a loved one passes

I wanted to update this for anyone who may experience this in the future...

My FIL passed on 3/8. Two days later, we had to make the decision to put our dog to sleep Double whammy. So, we were left to explain both to our almost 4 year old.

Many other people told us that he would handle it much better than we could even expect and it would be harder on us. Those people were right.

We told him that Minnie and Grandpa were sick and they went to Heaven. We explained that we cannot see them anymore and they will not be at our (or Grandma's) house any longer but we can still thank about them, talk about them, look at pictures, movies etc. We explained that he may feel sad or angry or silly and all were OK! We explained that we were sad but we would think about Grandpa (and Minnie) and our good memories and we would smile and be happy again.

He was content with that. Didn't really ask any questions at first but did over the next few days. He will say from time to time "I miss my grandpa" but he has accepted it and still likes to make cards and pictures for his Grandpa etc.

I hope this helps someone in a similar boat in the future Thank you all for your helpful advice.

Re: after a loved one passes

So sorry to hear, but glad it seems your LO is coping well. It is also great that he is communicating about the loss. Very good sign that he both gets the concept and is grieving appropriately.
Things might get tougher as the year progresses. Excellent ideas about looking at pictures and thinking/talking about them. When I did bereavement counseling, one of the things many seemed to say helped was to write a letter. For your LO, he can tell you what he wants to say and you can transcribe it for him.
Once again I am sorry for your losses.

Re: after a loved one passes

Posted by IVFmiracle

So sorry to hear, but glad it seems your LO is coping well. It is also great that he is communicating about the loss. Very good sign that he both gets the concept and is grieving appropriately.
Things might get tougher as the year progresses. Excellent ideas about looking at pictures and thinking/talking about them. When I did bereavement counseling, one of the things many seemed to say helped was to write a letter. For your LO, he can tell you what he wants to say and you can transcribe it for him.
Once again I am sorry for your losses.

after a loved one passes

My kids have not experienced that yet, but one of my best friends has to go through this with her daughters. I remember her saying that the book "The Next Place" was very helpful.