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Message edited 2/15/2014 10:27:30 PM.

Bond with 2nd child??

How old is your 2nd??

Re: Bond with 2nd child??

Hi

Congrats on your new baby? how old is he?how old is your oldest child?

I have two kids and I have to say that my bond with my second (DS) was as instant and tight as the one with my first. I do remember being surprised though at how less jumpy I was when he cried. Like when my DD cried I would literally sprint to her but with DS I would go to him immediately but it didn't have the same urgency as with my first. I put it down to experience and also the fact that I would have to sometimes tend to my oldest child along the way.

Re: Bond with 2nd child??

My youngest is almost 2 which is why I feel so guilty. Maybe it is just experiene and having to tend to my oldest? My youngest is a late talker so sometimes I think I feel this way since we can't communicate fully yet. Do you ladies spend quality time with each DC individually? I want to start doing this but I work full time so I want to be with both on the weekends. We are taking a family vaca in 2 weeks so maybe my husband and I can bond with each child separately at some point during that week.

Re: Bond with 2nd child??

I get what your saying. I will say that with first dc I didn't feel the instant bond that people speak of. It took a good 6 months for me to feel that, I guess starting with her first real interactions with me. I loved her and would have given my life for her from the moment I saw her but I didn't feel that bonding connection immediately.

I felt similarly with my second. I think I have bonded sooner because she has been more interactive(looking at me, smiling ect) earlier than my first. I love them both just the same though. I also know what you mean with having less patience for crying and such. There is more on your plate when you have the first one to worry about also. I think what you are feeling is totally normal.

Re: Bond with 2nd child??

I can totally sympathize with you. when my first DS was born, it was an instant bond. I cried hearing his voice and was infatuated with him from that first moment. With DS 2 I was in love at first sight but the strong bond did take longer. I think putting on myself to breast feed was part of it. It was like a job. But the other thing was DS1 had my full attention from the moment he was born. DS2 has never had my undivided attention, even 3 years later. So it took a little longer to feel that same level of bond with DS2 as with DS1.

But the example you gave of not running to his crib. I think thats part of being an experienced parent. There are tons of things that I did with DS1 that I learned I didnt have to do for DS2. And as for patience, I think thats normal too. You have more on your plate now so you are probably more stressed as you adjust to being a family of 4!

MOst important dont put alot of pressure on yourself to feel a certain way or act a certain way. Being mom is hard work and you dont have to be perfect. Once you relax and stop beating yourself up for not feeling the way you think you should feel, I am sure you will realize that the bond was there all along!!!

ETA: I just read your second post. I am a SAHM so DS2 and I are alone all day together. DS2 is my more difficult child. So there have been times when I felt like I was in over my head and just wanted to run! DS1 was a really easy kid overall from day one. My relationship with them is different. I love them both equally but our bonds are different. DH and I do try to do things with just DS1 because he often gets less of us bc DS2 is so demanding. But DS2 gets more attention from me during the week. But I would suggest to you spending time with each kid individually. Sometimes DS1 sleeps at his grandparents and then its just us with DS2. Sometimes we will get a sitter for DS2 and do things with DS1 that we can't do with his brother, etc...And doing some fun stuff as a family, take the kids bowling or to a painting place, or even just sit and play blocks with them. Is important that no matter how busy we are we slow down and make time for the simple things with our kids. Honestly thats something I am quilty of, I feel like I have so much going on that sometimes I brush the kids off when they want to sit and play with me.

Message edited 2/9/2014 10:16:57 PM.

Re: Bond with 2nd child??

Thanks for taking the time to respond. So glad
I got this off my chest.

Re: Bond with 2nd child??

My bond is the same with both of my boys. My oldest definitely is a big mommas boy and I always tell him "I don't love you more but I have loved you longer". I do try to spend some quality time with my youngest while my three year old is at preschool. I am the youngest of seven and I was very loved and got a lot of attention. I feel like your first baby is a little bit more connected to you because you watched him grow with no interruptions.

Message edited 2/10/2014 10:44:26 AM.

Re: Bond with 2nd child??

I bonded with my second child immediately. My first was very angry when he was born and cried non stop, I was very scared of him lol! My second one is very loving, my first is all business. I know how you feel

Re: Bond with 2nd child??

I didn't have the immediate bond with DS1. That took some time. I was very independent and then my whole life changed. I also worked full time so I feel like I hardly saw DS1. Took a while to get the bond. He also had some delays so took longer to even call me mommy, which made it harder.
DS2 I bonded immediately bc I already knew how to fall in love with a child. I also breastfed DS2 and didn't DS1. Also, DS2 didn't go to daycare till 6 months where DS1 went when he was 3 months. I was in a different place. I was living in NJ when DS2 was born and happier.

Now I have a pretty equal bond now with both boys, but much more laid back with DS2. I still run for DS1 and DS2 I don't. I think that's normal with a second. DS1 is now a momma's boy and DS2 isn't as much. It always changes.

Re: Bond with 2nd child??

I haven't had a 2nd DC yet but my neighbor (who has 3) always says no matter what most people will go to their first born first if they are upset/crying. I think it just stems from being so anxious/hyperaware with your first and more laid back and easy going with subsequent children. Her first 2 were <1 year apart and her 3rd is 7 years younger. She said she still will always be more attentive/concerned about the oldest even now. I don't think it is anything to be embarrassed or concerned about. Also you can love your children equally but have different relationship/bondss with each of them . It definitely took me some time to realize how strong my bond was to my DS. He was v.v fussy as a newborn and screamed alot. It wasn't till he was about 6-7 weeks that I really accepted he was mine and 6 months before I really started to enjoy him alot.

Re: Bond with 2nd child??