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cynn81
LIF Infant
Member since 6/10 175 total posts
Name:
Cynn
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Venting - work and family related.
I need to vent because this really got me upset. So yesterday at work I was talking with a coworker regarding all the changes that are taking place. All was ok until she decided to give me her "advice"; she basically said in a nice way that if I was "hoping" for a promotion in the near future, I shouldn't "expect" it. In other words don't get my hopes up (not sure why she said this, but ok because I know not to expect much especially right now with all that is happening in my work place). What really hurt me was her next comment, she said that if I was hoping for a promotion, not to make any comments regarding wanting to have another baby anytime soon. She proceeded by saying that she knows its not right to say and it shouldn't be that way but that's how "they think" (bosses). Now I just had DS this past May so this really got me thinking and made me feel hurt. Not sure if she overheard another conversation I was having with a new coworker who simply asked if I wanted more children and I responded with "possibly". Im not sure if im i over thinking things.Thanks for letting me air this out!
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Posted 11/21/13 2:26 AM  |
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BlessedMomma
LIF Adult
Member since 12/11 6163 total posts
Name:
Momma Bear
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Venting - work and family related.
Im sorry you got upset with her comment but to be honest she didnt say anything wrong. That is how bosses think i mean thats the reality. I think she was just trying to be realistic with you.
They arent going to promote someone to run a division or be a director or whateva other title there is that plans to be out on maternity leave again very soon. They want someone that can work long hours and so on.
If its a smaller promotion you were after than i would say do the nod your head and say ok. Everyone has an opinion and everyone thinks their right. Dont waste your energy on being upset by her
I mean she may have been talking out of school if this came up out of context of the conversation.
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| Posted 11/21/13 4:14 AM |
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alli3131
Peanut is here!!!!!!
Member since 5/09 18388 total posts
Name:
Allison
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Venting - work and family related.
Sorry you were hurt but I was told the same thing at my job. IMO it's the truth. I wouldn't change my plans on having kids but I wouldn't broadcast it either.
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| Posted 11/21/13 5:41 AM |
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cynn81
LIF Infant
Member since 6/10 175 total posts
Name:
Cynn
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Re: Venting - work and family related.
Thanks for the replies. I guess you are both right and to be honest I should already "know" this since I've been with the company a few years. I think it just caught me off guard, my coworker is a nice person and i shouldnt have taken it the wrong way. I will not change my plans for extending my family but I don't think I was "broadcasting" it when I was asked; all I said was "probably". Now that I'm thinking of it, its kind of funny she said this to me because "our" direct report just went out on maternity leave.
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| Posted 11/21/13 6:30 AM |
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alli3131
Peanut is here!!!!!!
Member since 5/09 18388 total posts
Name:
Allison
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Re: Venting - work and family related.
Posted by cynn81
Thanks for the replies. I guess you are both right and to be honest I should already "know" this since I've been with the company a few years. I think it just caught me off guard, my coworker is a nice person and i shouldnt have taken it the wrong way. I will not change my plans for extending my family but I don't think I was "broadcasting" it when I was asked; all I said was "probably". Now that I'm thinking of it, its kind of funny she said this to me because "our" direct report just went out on maternity leave.
I would be happy if it was just my coworker that said it to me.
My boss told me it during a review. Yup I know I could get him in a ton of trouble for even saying it but I am keeping it in my back pocket!!!!!
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| Posted 11/21/13 8:35 AM |
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jams92
Member since 1/12 6105 total posts
Name:
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Venting - work and family related.
i understand why it would be upsetting to hear - but i think your coworker was just being honest. sadly, in a lot of jobs that is the mentality.
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| Posted 11/21/13 9:09 AM |
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NervousNell
Just another chapter in life..
Member since 11/09 54921 total posts
Name:
..being a mommy and being a wife!
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Re: Venting - work and family related.
I wonder what HR would think of her comments.....
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| Posted 11/21/13 9:33 AM |
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NervousNell
Just another chapter in life..
Member since 11/09 54921 total posts
Name:
..being a mommy and being a wife!
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Re: Venting - work and family related.
double post
Message edited 11/21/2013 9:35:26 AM.
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| Posted 11/21/13 9:35 AM |
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LeShellem
A new beginning
Member since 2/07 3600 total posts
Name:
LeShelle
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Re: Venting - work and family related.
I would be grateful for the heads out. It sounds like she was protecting you. I would be thanking her not venting about her.
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| Posted 11/21/13 9:47 AM |
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nycgirl
Angels!
Member since 3/09 7721 total posts
Name:
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Re: Venting - work and family related.
It is the reality.
I just say "got my hands full now" when asked.
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| Posted 11/21/13 10:01 AM |
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MarisaK
HELLO Manolo !!
Member since 5/06 14562 total posts
Name:
Marisa
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Re: Venting - work and family related.
I'm not sure I understand why you're feelings are hurt .......
She's not insulting you, your character or your work - She's actually giving youi very honest, and unfortunately, as a woman, true advice.
I missed out on 2 promotions b/c of the timing of my pregnancies and the length of my maternity leaves .......
They also look at your age, if you will be getting married in the near future, (b/c they then assume you'll have kids)
It sucks and it's unfair as a woman, but when you look at it from an upper management perspective, they don't want to put someone one something who's going to leave in a year and be out for months at a time, or possibly not come back at all .........NOT that I'm saying it's right, it's infuriating ........but it's the truth.
I don't think she was trying to be hurtful, she was trying to manage your expectations and give you some very real advice.
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| Posted 11/21/13 10:13 AM |
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MarisaK
HELLO Manolo !!
Member since 5/06 14562 total posts
Name:
Marisa
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Re: Venting - work and family related.
Posted by NervousNell
I wonder what HR would think of her comments.....
It doesn't matter what HR 'thinks' or says .......it's a very true reality. They can spin it any way they want, but at the end of the day, it's just the way it works.
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| Posted 11/21/13 10:14 AM |
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NervousNell
Just another chapter in life..
Member since 11/09 54921 total posts
Name:
..being a mommy and being a wife!
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Re: Venting - work and family related.
Posted by MarisaK
Posted by NervousNell
I wonder what HR would think of her comments.....
It doesn't matter what HR 'thinks' or says .......it's a very true reality. They can spin it any way they want, but at the end of the day, it's just the way it works.
Maybe I just see it differently.
I was hired into a new job in a new company that was ultimately a promotion- at 7 months pregnant.
I thought for sure I'd be passed up due to my pregnancy, but HR didn't even make one issue of it- nor did any of the executive managers.
I worked until I delivered, took an 8 week leave (unpaid since I had no time on the books here yet) and came right back into my position.
I know this is not the norm, but there are companies that are working mother friendly.
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| Posted 11/21/13 10:18 AM |
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alli3131
Peanut is here!!!!!!
Member since 5/09 18388 total posts
Name:
Allison
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Re: Venting - work and family related.
Posted by MarisaK
Posted by NervousNell
I wonder what HR would think of her comments.....
It doesn't matter what HR 'thinks' or says .......it's a very true reality. They can spin it any way they want, but at the end of the day, it's just the way it works.
Think though whether it is a reality or not.....no employee should be speaking it aloud. In the OPs case it was just a coworker and seems it was more out of concern.
In my case it was my boss in a review. I don't care if it is the reality. If I went to HR my boss probably would have bene fired.
Reality or not its illegal.
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| Posted 11/21/13 10:22 AM |
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MarisaK
HELLO Manolo !!
Member since 5/06 14562 total posts
Name:
Marisa
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Re: Venting - work and family related.
Posted by alli3131
Posted by MarisaK
Posted by NervousNell
I wonder what HR would think of her comments.....
It doesn't matter what HR 'thinks' or says .......it's a very true reality. They can spin it any way they want, but at the end of the day, it's just the way it works.
Think though whether it is a reality or not.....no employee should be speaking it aloud. In the OPs case it was just a coworker and seems it was more out of concern.
In my case it was my boss in a review. I don't care if it is the reality. If I went to HR my boss probably would have bene fired.
Reality or not its illegal.
Youir boss is a moron for admitting that to you out loud, in a formal review no less - and you're absolutely right
I was referring to the coworker giving her 'friend' some advice re: her own career.
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| Posted 11/21/13 10:24 AM |
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Millie3
LIF Adult
Member since 7/13 1280 total posts
Name:
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Re: Venting - work and family related.
Sadly I think this is how a lot of places are. People get a little touchy when someone goes out on maternity leave 2 or 3 times, but oh well! Just ignore the comment 
Message edited 11/21/2013 11:30:46 AM.
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| Posted 11/21/13 11:30 AM |
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BlessedMomma
LIF Adult
Member since 12/11 6163 total posts
Name:
Momma Bear
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Re: Venting - work and family related.
Posted by NervousNell
Posted by MarisaK
Posted by NervousNell
I wonder what HR would think of her comments.....
It doesn't matter what HR 'thinks' or says .......it's a very true reality. They can spin it any way they want, but at the end of the day, it's just the way it works.
Maybe I just see it differently.
I was hired into a new job in a new company that was ultimately a promotion- at 7 months pregnant.
I thought for sure I'd be passed up due to my pregnancy, but HR didn't even make one issue of it- nor did any of the executive managers.
I worked until I delivered, took an 8 week leave (unpaid since I had no time on the books here yet) and came right back into my position.
I know this is not the norm, but there are companies that are working mother friendly.
Exactly thats not the norm at all and most places you would be look past. Thats all anyone is saying. It is what it is, its reality, to deny it is to be in denial about women in the work place in general. You can either accept your reality or voice it to deaf ears...
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| Posted 11/21/13 11:38 AM |
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jambalady
Is it summer yet?
Member since 8/06 7392 total posts
Name:
Holly
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Re: Venting - work and family related.
From an HR perspective, you cannot be denied eligibility for promotion based on being on maternity leave, age, etc.
However, what your manager can do is base your promotion on your productivity and actual contribution to your role. If your level of contribution is affected by the time you are away from the office, then that's an evaluation based on output and not pregnancy status.
Sometimes it is hard to separate the 2, but if you can't raise your hand for extra projects or do what is expected for promotion because you aren't physically present, that has nothing to do with being passed bc you took maternity leave, it has to do with what you contributed versus what someone else contributed.
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| Posted 11/21/13 11:48 AM |
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Re: Venting - work and family related.
Maybe how she said it was rude and wrong, but I generally think she was trying to give you good, real advice. Unfortunately, that is how the workplace is. I've come across similar thinking with previous employers. Just because I had family in mind, or was now a mother, opportunities passed over me that should have come my way. So I see truth in what she is saying now. You really have to play a different part in some jobs or else you're not allowed to perform to your full potential.
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| Posted 11/21/13 12:07 PM |
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cynn81
LIF Infant
Member since 6/10 175 total posts
Name:
Cynn
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Re: Venting - work and family related.
After reading everyone's replies, I'm no longer hurt. It is the reality in the work place as unfortunate as it may be. I guess I was just being sensitive yesterday but I'm over it. I thought long and hard and at this moment a promotion is not ideal. I'm so great full I have this job and she was just looking out for me. Thinking back, right after I got married I had a VP joking around and tell me "I'll kill you if you get pregnant" and I just shrugged it off and kept on working.
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| Posted 11/21/13 3:36 PM |
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Re: Venting - work and family related.
......
Message edited 1/11/2014 10:36:32 PM.
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| Posted 11/21/13 3:41 PM |
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Bellaocchi
Hope Faith Love
Member since 2/07 5694 total posts
Name:
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Re: Venting - work and family related.
First, big hugs. Second, from what you're saying it sounds like this person either knows some inside stuff that she either heard the higher ups tell her or someone that knows how they "work" there. maybe not about you, but in general.
She may be just trying to help you.
So if I were you, try not to give your co-workers too personal of information.
Just stay focused on your job and let what ever happens - happen.
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| Posted 11/21/13 3:47 PM |
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cynn81
LIF Infant
Member since 6/10 175 total posts
Name:
Cynn
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Re: Venting - work and family related.
Posted by Bellaocchi
First, big hugs. Second, from what you're saying it sounds like this person either knows some inside stuff that she either heard the higher ups tell her or someone that knows how they "work" there. maybe not about you, but in general.
She may be just trying to help you.
So if I were you, try not to give your co-workers too personal of information.
Just stay focused on your job and let what ever happens - happen.
Exactly what I plan to do, thank you.
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| Posted 11/21/13 4:48 PM |
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