Question for SAHM'S

Do any of you have DH's who are resentful of you staying home? My DH was fully supportive of me staying home with DD but every morning when he leaves for work, through the things he says and does he always comes off very resentful of the fact that I am not working and staying home. If I ignore housework to be 1 on 1 with DD, he complains or makes comments. So if I focus on the housework, he acts like I am being neglectful of DD. And he always thought taking care of DD was easy. But when he has to deal with her alone, or sees me taking care of her on a weekend away... he finally says "wow you need a break" or admits that this is much harder than he thought. But then I am never given a break, and his admiration of how hard it is is forgotten in a day or two. He leaves for work very cold. I understand that when he leaves for work it is very early in the morning so he sees me ignoring DD as I am getting dressed and starting the day off and when he gets home it is right before her bedtime so we are both taking a break from each other and unwinding... but from like 8am-5:30pm I am taking amazing care of her. And just because he can't actively see it, I don't see why he doesn't see the end product-- that we have a super happy, social, healthy, smart little girl and I have SOME small part in that! How do you deal with it when your husband comes off resentful or disrespectful to your place in the home? How do I get his understanding of how hard this is to be more long-term??

Re: Question for SAHM'S

My DH was never resentful, in fact he wants me to stay home more than I actually want to be home full time if the truth be told.

But I have been home 5 years and I do feel like there is addtional stresses on him that 5 years ago werent there and sometimes he isnt as happy go lucky as he once was.

Is your DH happy at work? Does he spend time with DD enough that he feels like an active part of her life? Could the financial pressure be alot for him mentally?

These are things I would consider from your side. being a SAHM has unique pressures on both sides of the relationship so maybe its more than just he is jealous that you are home or that you arent keeping a clean enough house or you arent spending 24/7 staring at your DD, it could be other stressors that are causing him to seem distant and resentful.

I would have a nice sit down with him and ask him how he feels about your current situation. Does he think it would be better if you were working, does he like you being home, what does he envision from you as a SAHM etc. See if you guys are on the same page with everything....

Question for SAHM'S

I agree with the above post. I would def talk to him and as she said in a nice way. Discuss your feelings, discuss his. Discuss how he may not realize how his behavior appears to you. Ask him whats going on at work.

I completely understand your feelings because I felt the same when my dd was first born and I was on maternity leave. ANd even now from time to time I get that sense from him and I work part time from home! He has said tol me once before that he thinks I can still do what I want I get to go to my friends house or take her to the park or go shopping and hes at work all day. I also get to sleep later than him. And if I dont cook dinner or the house isnt clean I get comments or I get an attitude.
I also noticed how some mornings he would make more noise than others and wake me up then say it was an 'accident'... Or he would barely call me or when he did call he had an attitude if I was out with her. And then he would grill me and remind me of things...

I also get the same treatment as you after he spends a day alone with her and sees how stressful it can be at times when shes cranky or refuses to eat her food or wont take a nap and is overtired. OR how its not THAT easy to go shopping or run errands with a child. And he will say I know you work very hard and I know how stressful it can be, but I def still see a hint of that resentment from time to time.

With that said my husband does give me plenty of time to myself though. Weekends come he wakes up with her, he will take her for a few hours so I can go shopping or get a mani/pedi or do a few errands even by myself. And even during the week the second he gets home most nights hes just with us.

Ive spoken to him about it and remind him of the expectations he has and what he really feels about things. Its gotten much better but I think from time to time he gets annoyed.

Re: Question for SAHM'S

I want to say this as nice as possible but I think I remeber some of your previous posts about you're DH and he just generally seems to be not so nice or maybe, as this posts seems to indicate, very moody. I am sorry you are dealing with this

Re: Question for SAHM'S

My DH makes dumbass comments on how he'd love to trade places with me. Meanwhile, when I went out to the grocery store the other day and ran some errands for an hour and a half he was exhausted from watching her.

He will also nitpick as to why certain things weren't done like the dishes. I think he believes that staying home with an infant all day is sunshine and rainbows

Re: Question for SAHM'S

Once in a very blue moon, yes. Example: One family we know has a brand new truck that I love. I mentioned how nice it was, he said yeah because they have TWO incomes. So I "mentioned" how they do not pay for child care bc granny sleeps there all week to take care of the kids. I also "mentioned" that he makes more then enough, so he shouldn't talk about having "two" incomes. It was an innocent comment on my part, his comment was a little more snide. Sometimes these men need a reminder of how much harder their lives would be if we worked FT at a demanding job.

In a year or so, I will be working FT again so I will get comments either way , can't win

I did work FT, and got a lot of criticism from people in our family for working so much. I have to say, everyone has comments.

Talk to your. DH honestly and ask him if he really wants you to return to work FT. Go from there, and explain you don't like his actions

Message edited 10/31/2013 10:57:33 AM.

Re: Question for SAHM'S

Not resentful, but he does get a little jealous at times. His job is stressful and he works long hours. I think that is a huge part of it.

He loves me being home, he does say how happy he is that I do a great job with our boys. He does not nitpick about how the house looks, etc.

But, in the morning, I think it is hardest. He leaves and I am sitting at the table with coffee, chatting with the boys. It looks easy at that point... But then chaos will soon hit,

It boils down to, slight jealousy over all of the time I have with them, and he doesn't have much. He gets home and barely time for baths and goodnight stories. Job stress is a factor.

That said, on weekends or any time he has to watch them alone( very active 3 and 5 year old boys), he is wiped out and sees what life is really like while he is gone

Hopefully he will come around, try to acknowledge his feelings too, and he will hopefully get some of your perspective

Re: Question for SAHM'S

Posted by DiamondGirl

I want to say this as nice as possible but I think I remeber some of your previous posts about you're DH and he just generally seems to be not so nice or maybe, as this posts seems to indicate, very moody. I am sorry you are dealing with this

Re: Question for SAHM'S

My dh has said "he'd love to trade places with me and stay home". He never could do what I do! If I go out on the lweekend for a few hours he always says "I don't know how you do it". He is never resentful of me but some days he thinks the grass is greener! I would talk to your dh, explain how your feelings are hurt when he talks like that. He needs to be more sensitive

Re: Question for SAHM'S

there are sometimes when i'll ask DH to do something when he gets home from work, and he'll say "in a little bit- I worked all day!!" like I didn't?!? or sometimes i'll ask him to watch DS at night so I can run out to the store and I have to remind him that I need a break here and there- that nobody works 24/7.
but for the most part, I think we're both good with the way things are. He gets home at 5, so we have plenty of time as a family before DS has to go to bed. our evenings aren't rushed or really stressful or anything. DH likes to cook, so he'll cook dinner almost every night, while I sit and color with DS or whatever. or he'll stop at a store on his way home from work so its one less time I have to drag DS in and out of the carseat. and its nice because I think he does realize that me being home and taking care of errands, etc during the week benefits him, too. makes our weekends together less busy.
maybe you can work it out so that each of you has a night out during the week to go out and do whatever on your own. so like you know that on Wednesdays he'll stay with the kids while you can go out and grab coffee with a friend, go shopping or whatever. And Thursday night might be his night for that. That way you're each letting each have some time "off". this is what we do and it works out nice!
BUT I definitely wish DH would verbalize it more often- just saying something like "Thanks for doing such a good job with DS everyday" would go a long way! Or even just stopping for a thing of grocery store flowers once in awhile would be nice. I just don't think guys think of that kind of stuff.

ETA: I agree that DH could never spend all day, every day with DS!!! LOL he falls apart if I even leave him with DS for a couple hours! I come home and the house is a wreck and he just like has no clue how to manage things HAHA and THOSE are the times when he tells me "I don't know how you do this all day" LOL

Message edited 10/31/2013 1:55:47 PM.

Re: Question for SAHM'S

My DH is traditional and we have always knew I was going to stay home since before we were even married. Although I read about your situation on a very good site. Sometimes the husband can get a little jealous. Maybe its not that you are staying home. It could just be that you are with DC all day and spending all your energy and time and focus on that. When my DH gets home...I have to remind myself to pay more attention to him. The kids will be fine for even just ten minutes to sit on his lap, give him a kiss and a hug. Offer him a glass of water, cup of coffee, dinner. Ask how his day is, just bring up some positive conversation..... He may just need some attention lol as crazy as that sounds.

Re: Question for SAHM'S

Posted by Katareen

Posted by DiamondGirl

I want to say this as nice as possible but I think I remeber some of your previous posts about you're DH and he just generally seems to be not so nice or maybe, as this posts seems to indicate, very moody. I am sorry you are dealing with this

I agree and was thinking this as well.

Re: Question for SAHM'S

Um no. My dh knows the type of person I am and if he commented on anything along those lines he would definitely not get a good response from me. He couldn't do what I do on a daily basis and he knows it. I think that in order for one person to stay home, that persons role need to be valued just as highly as the person who goes to work. Otherwise, I think there is resentment involved.

Re: Question for SAHM'S

I am sorry you are going through this. My dh grew up with a stay-at-home mom so he knows the benefits. What exactly is he mad about? Does he want a second income?

My dh is not jealous or resentful because he likes going out and bringing home money. He loves our son equally, but I think he enjoys being the provider. Don't get me wrong, though, we both know having a second income would be very helpful. But, for now, we accept being on a budget.

Message edited 11/5/2013 2:51:07 PM.

Question for SAHM'S

I work part time-- but Are we married to the same guy?

Re: Question for SAHM'S

No, DH has never been resentful. He wanted me to be home just as much as I wanted to. I would have a long talk with your DH. You are doing a very important job and its unfair of him to be resentful...being a SAHM isn't always easy..others may see it as that if they aren't one, but like you said, he's seen how much goes into it. Don't let him make you feel that way!! I would definitely be upset and feel the need to clear things up.

Re: Question for SAHM'S

Re: Question for SAHM'S

To the previous poster, wow, if you stayed home to raise your child the house must be spotless. Yikes. Is the house spotless on the weekend? It is sad that men are thinking about housework over the benefits for the baby to have a mom taking care of them throughout the day. It is about the baby not the man having a servant.

Re: Question for SAHM'S

Whenever my husband is watching the kids is really when he'll remember how much there is to do. Every once in awhile he will forget but an hour with them brings him right back into my reality. I'm going away this weekend with some friends and he's constantly reminding me to have everything pre-maid, put out etc for him . I think you just have to remind him the best you can how important other things are instead of a spotless mess free house.

Re: Question for SAHM'S