Need to vent....so sad and unsure

I need to write this and hope that someone out there understands. I am grieving my dream of having a child and no one in my daily life fully understands. I am still in shock that I have fertility problems - never expected it. It has been such an overwhelming fertility journey where very little went well or smoothly. I have done 6 IUI's with and without clomid, estrogen and progesterone, trigger shots, etc. I have had lap surgery, removed extensive endo and uterine fibroids on the walls and on my cervix. I take synthroid for hashimotos. I was dx with PCOS, 4g4g mutation and one of the MTHR's - for that I took metformin, high dose folic acid and baby aspirin.
I switched clinics at the start due to bad experience.

It just has been exhausting. I feel like I am not allowed say that often enough and very few people really understand. I feel like I am supposed to be "happy" and "strong" and that I have to do what I have to do to "win the prize". But is all sucked. It was not pleasant. I did not like taking all those medicines. I did not like getting all the sonograms by different techs. I did not like having a needle threaded through my cervix. I did not like any of it. Yet I did it because I wanted to have a baby. I have done nothing for two months now as I am tired. I wanted my life, my body and my marriage back. And while trying to embrace my new freedom, I swing from happiness at the option of an unburdened future to being terrified at a future without my child. I am so scared I will be lonely and my marriage will be empty. I am scared that I will grow terribly bitter at all the other happy parents out there. I am scared to do nothing and to proceed ahead. I am in limboland where I know if I want to have a child my next step is IVF and I am terrified. I am so scared to hope again and not become pregnant. I know that I should switch RE's to someone who understands endo and immune issues. It just all seems so overwhelming and I am scared to start again. As more time passes though, I am becoming more sad and more depressed and the depth of grief I feel for not becoming pregnant at all is coming up and I have huge crying jags everyday. I do not want to live like this and yet I want to be sure that if I do IVF that my head is in the right place, my TSH is right, that I am back on metformin again, which all takes time and more doctor appts. I wish I didn't want to have a baby so badly. It's unbelievable how much this all hurts. If you read this, thanks for listening....this feels close to hitting the bottom and any advice on how to find clarity and strength please share.

Re: Need to vent....so sad and unsure

I am so sorry you are feeling like this! We have all been there. I have stage 4 endo. Had my first surgery in march. I had done an ivf prior to surgery and it was a bfn. After my surgery I found a new re and just did my first ivf since surgery and it was a bfp!!! Do not lose hope! Fm me with any questions

Re: Need to vent....so sad and unsure

Need to vent....so sad and unsure

I understand. Sometimes when people would say the things they said (and we're not trying to be mean) I wanted to slap them. I do feel they didn't know what to say to me or my DH.

My thoughts are-take a break. You need to get yourself ready, your marriage ready and your body ready. I also think posting here helps too. I would also suggest acupuncture. It is relaxing and the cycle I got my BFP and kept it was when I did acupuncture , saw Dr. B and Dr. Kofinas. Get yourself a consult with one of them.

IVF isn't that bad. It's extremely intimidating. But once you're in it...you're in it. Plus you've done the shots already!

Take a break. Grieve. I had 3 failed cycles and thought God hated me. But now I know his plan-we'll as much as I can! You're marriage is tested when you go through this and then again when you're pregnant and have a baby so work on it now. I couldn't do this without my DH. If you need to chat or if DH does just mf me.

Need to vent....so sad and unsure

Thanks for your replies and your words are inspiring and affirming. 2birdsofafeather: I know you are right to suggest take a break. I am trying so hard to get my head on straight about it all and to stay healthy. And to enjoy my marriage, which is suffering from my sadness and bouts of anger and irritability. I guess I should decide to do IVF - make the decision and put a plan in place for 2014. And until then, try to enjoy the day knowing that I have a plan, that it is not over. One of blocks though is the fear of hoping again....but the pain of thinking my chances are over is unbearable....as I said, limboland. Thanks for listening and understanding and for giving me some hope and assurance.

Re: Need to vent....so sad and unsure

I'm so sorry I completely understand how you are feeling. This whole thing is just devastating, frustrating, exhausting...it just SUCKS!!!!! I had 7 or 8 (lost count) failed IUIs, and one failed IVF. I've taken a break or two also. I understand the feelings you are having, and YOU ARE STRONG!! Look at everything you have already been through! IF does effect every aspect of life, even marriage. It is completely normal to break down, to cry, to be terrified, to feel everything you are feeling.

My advice would be to take a little break. Heal yourself. Do some research. Maybe get a second or third opinion. Maybe yoga. Maybe a vacation. Start acupuncture. Don't hold it in, vent , let it out! Everyone on this board understands everything you are feeling, and they are incredibly supportive. Then start the IVF. It is totally intimidating in the beginning, but you've already done the injections and you've already done the IUIs. That's pretty much all there is to it. Just more meds, more monitoring, ER you are asleep for, and the transfer is just like an IUI.

I wish you the best!!

Need to vent....so sad and unsure

You want a baby. You do IVF. Put the plan in place. It will make you feel better!

Re: Need to vent....so sad and unsure

WE ALL UNDERSTAND!!!!!!

Re: Need to vent....so sad and unsure

We all know your pain. I agree with what all the other girls have said. Don't try to mask your feelings, but you do need to find an outlet. We lose so much going through infertility - our faith, our hope, our identity. It's too much, and if someone has not gone through it themselves- they just don't get it. My DH is super supportive and there's times that even he doesn't get it, and I have to be realistic and know that I can't expect him to feel exactly the way I feel because it's US who are going through all the testing, poking, and sticking.

Anyways, I say all this to say that you have support here on these boards. What you're feeling is normal in this not-normal journey that we're all on.

Need to vent....so sad and unsure

Thank you everyone so much. It's such a relief to know i am not crazy and understood. I feel such pressure to be ok and I just dont feel it. Venting helps me figure out what's going on and what my next steps are to be. It is also giving me permission to not jump into the next step of ivf as I do need to get my strength back. I hate that I feel this weak, and sad. Yes, I am judging myself harshly.....I think it's bc people don't really understand and I feel like i need to hide it or they'll think I'm losing it. I'm afraid of what others will perceive. Ugh....how did it all end up here? And how to find my way back? I am hoping this is a start....talking about it and asking for help. Thanks again everyone.

Re: Need to vent....so sad and unsure

You're absolutely not crazy. Like all the previous ladies said, we understand. It's sometimes a very lonely road and sometimes I DID hide. It's ok. People will judge, they always do. It's simply because they don't know infertility. I'm fortunate enough to have come out stronger, a survivor with my prize. It was a truly a very long journey but worth every ounce of pain and suffering. I did 6 IVFs. Give yourself a break to get your mind and body back on track. You can do it. Don't give up!

Re: Need to vent....so sad and unsure

Nobody will understand. Even people that have gone through IF. And I say that bc it is your journey and every one is different

It is so hard to g through and now 10 month after my twins were born,I am still dealing with IF feelings and issues I don't think it will ever go away

One day at a time. That's all we can do. Hang in there

Need to vent....so sad and unsure

Nobody will ever get it unless they have been through it. Infertility was one of the hardest things I ever went through aside from losing my mom, which is a whole different pain. I went through 4 iuis and 2 rounds of ivf. The emotional pain and physical exhaustion on my body was brutal. It consumed me. Day and night. My marriage suffered. But now I have my dd and it's all been worth it. And is even a blur know when I never thought it would be. Support is key. Finding people who get it. My dh and I also started talking to a therapist together after our first ivf didn't work and as much as he dragged me and I hated going it did help.

Re: Need to vent....so sad and unsure

aw so sorry you're feeling this way, we all do at one point or another. It certainly can be a long exhausting road. We are here for you...