getting dad involved more?

I've hardly posted in the 8 weeks since DS has been born. I love love love being a Mom, but i'm so exhausted!! I feel like I do everything for my son and DH doesn't put in the effort. DS is very attached to me and my husband says the baby doesn't like him and only wants me. The baby cries with my husband. He can't soothe him. He gives up and puts him in the swing. By that point DS is screaming with tears and his face is red! So i go and get him and he calms down (i try to give DH the opportunity to soothe him) I keep trying to tell DH that maybe if you do more with the baby he'll they'll get a better relationship? Or is it just common for the baby to want Mom?

I was breastfeeding so at the guidance of the nurses and books i read i didn't want to give DS a bottle until the recommended 4 weeks. That was a big argument with DH because he wanted to feed him. I just asked that he please let us wait until BF was established since I was having major issues getting DS to latch. So once DS 4 weeks DH gave him a bottle. But he's 8 weeks and my husband has probably only fed him 3-4 times! I pump daily and always ask if he wants to feed the baby but he says not really. He's given him a handful of baths...i asked him to bathe the baby last night and he said he'd rather feed him (but i was out all day and hadn't pumped) and wouldn't have had the time to pump or defrost milk) .

He hardly changes pampers. I suggest he read, sing to DS and he doesn't want to do that either!

Anytime i bring up him helping with the baby its an argument and he says i'm telling him what to do. And that i can't tell him how to bond with his child.

Please help suggest how to fix this? I can't even get his help during the night. I do everything 24/7...thanks

ETA: i assume if DH was more involved in the babies care then would that solve the issue of him crying with him and DH not being able to soothe him?

Message edited 2/23/2013 9:24:06 AM.

Re: getting dad involved more?

DH and I had a tough time at that age too. The first two weeks, DH did everything but nurse DD! He was so helpful. But once he was back at work and I got into my own rhythm, he had a tough time finding his place. What really made it difficult was that by the time he got home from work, it was DD's fussy time so she only wanted me. I felt terrible when she would cry with him and then calm down as soon as I took her and I know he felt terrible too.

I also was used to doing things my way and was probably too controlling and that was frustrating for him. I learned to let go and let him do things his way. He asks for help when he needs it and other than that I try not to hover.

As time went on, we got into a new rhythm and while I still do most of the care, DH helps with some things. He gets DD ready for bed which is great. I can take a few minutes for myself or clean up a bit while they do that. He changes diapers when he's home, and once in a blue moon he'll give a bath.

I think things get easier as they get older. Your DC is still so young so it's hard no matter what. Give it time and just make sure you and DH are communicating about what you need and how you feel.

One last thing, regarding defrosting bm. If you just run a bag under warm water it will defrost in a few minutes.

getting dad involved more?

I'm sorry mama.

It was the same way for us over here when our twins were born. It might get better when your DS starts recognizing him. Then he will reach for him and he will hopefully respond to that.

I don't personally know too many mamas who think their DH is involved enough, I thought my DH would be such an awesome dad but he doesn't take nearly as much interest as I thought he would.

getting dad involved more?

Its totally normal. My dh was a hotmess with ds. My advice, leave them alone. Go for a drive, walk, bathroom and take a bath. DONT take him from dh. Let him figure it out. You DC can and will play you at this age, they are smart out of the gate. They know we cant handle the constant crying. He will be ok if he cried for than 5 mins. Tell dh to relax, this way the baby wont get his stressed out vibes, and inturn stress out. Do this for your own sanity. It will get better.

Re: getting dad involved more?

I agree with the OP, leave them alone together.
My DH was hands on from Day 1. I had a c section and then a bad infection. I also pumped from the beginning so DH was ALWAYS feeding DS. He did all the night feedings while I pumped at the same time. I am great with DS but my Husband is even better. We organized a plan up front. DH does baths and the bedtime ritual all by himself (pajamas, book, bottle). I go in the other room and leave them alone. He calls me as he is turning out the light to come in and say goodnight. Maybe try a schedule. Also, try and just make plans for a sat/sun and leave them alone. If the baby is crying when he is holding him the baby probably senses your DH is nervous. The more time they spend together the better it will get. 8 weeks is still a tough time. By 3 months it gets better

Re: getting dad involved more?

ITA leave them alone together. Go for a mani/pedi. Leave him pumped milk. They will survive. It took me too long w/ our first to realize this was the best way for them to bond & dh to learn on his own.

getting dad involved more?

Thanks!! I just finished pumping and I will go for a walk and maybe get a pedicure! It will just be 30 minutes or so but its a start!
I usually let DH try to calm the baby but he always gives up and says "come get your son" yes YOUR son. He just isn't trying and i feel like he blames me for breastfeeding him. Because he always says if he got to feed him he would know him better.

Message edited 2/23/2013 4:25:26 PM.

Re: getting dad involved more?

Wish i had advice for u, just wanted to say you're not alone - dd is 3 1/2 months and i go through the same thing with dh (and im not breastfeeding). She's colicky, has reflux and fights sleep so she needs sooo much soothing and dh just doesn't know how, and can't be bothered. Im hoping it will get better as she gets older.

getting dad involved more?

Thanks everyone! It really helps hearing your suggestions and that I'm not alone. We really need to find a better routine to incorporate Dad more.

getting dad involved more?

mam nipples I felt were more realistic, we didnt have bottle confusion.

getting dad involved more?

Rather than asking him to do things, have you told your DH that you really *need* him to help out more? When you say you need something, he should be more willing to assist, plus he'll become the hero for doing things with the baby, rather than being the victim when you "force" him to do things

Bottom line - it will get better

getting dad involved more?

Dd is 5 months old and dh still has some fears. The good thing is that he will change her diapers, read books and sing to her. I think it takes some time and encouragement. Let him figure out his own way of doing things and if you see he is getting frustrated ask if you could take over so he can have a breather. Dh told me that I was over bearing sometimes and it would turn him off NAND he would not want to help.

Message edited 2/24/2013 11:42:09 AM.

Re: getting dad involved more?

Posted by MrsRapz

Rather than asking him to do things, have you told your DH that you really *need* him to help out more? When you say you need something, he should be more willing to assist, plus he'll become the hero for doing things with the baby, rather than being the victim when you "force" him to do things



Bottom line - it will get better

Re: getting dad involved more?

Re: getting dad involved more?

I think it's completely normal for your newborn to prefer being with you especially since you're BFing. It was much easier for me to soothe both of my boys particularly during the newborn stage. It has nothing to do with the baby not liking him. The more time your DH spends with DS comforting him and tending to his needs, the more familiar and comfortable he'll be with DH. He may not be able to feed DS, but he should step up more in other ways.

Re: getting dad involved more?

Going back to work forced Dh to do more. I work overnights so while I sleep all day it's all DH. Dh has always been helpful but sometimes I would tell him, please take the baby so I can do the dishes. He'd say I'll do the dishes and I would tell him no, i need a baby break and I WANT to do the dishes. Its a big adjustment for the entire family and it's best to figure things out as a family. It takes time but you will figure it out. Right now DH is sitting in the recliner holding DD so she won't cry. He's so good soothing her and he's the one that puts her to bed at night!! Things will change and you'll adjust and figure out your roles and how you will work together instead of just helping each other. You'll get there!